Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents refusing marriage

muslim woman


Basically I went out with this guy for just over a year, we are both Pakistani and well practicing Muslims. We know what we were doing was haraam but we started off as friends and began to like each other a bit too much. After a year I decided to tell my parents about him because my family were preparing to go umrah and I didn't want that guilt on my head so felt the need to tell them. Despite my mum always having said 'if you ever like a guy then tell me' it did not go down well when we told our parents. We were told to cut off contact with each other and that it was never going to happen purely because he was off a different caste and my father didn't agree. His parents also disagreed due to the fact we were still at uni and he has to have a job first.

However, we continued talking and meeting up at uni and doing revision together and we'd have such a laugh together, then another year and half later my sister told my parents that I was still talking to him. I know I went against my parents and I was always repenting but he made me genuinely happy and I could really see a future with him. They threatened to kick me out etc, and we have now completey cut off contact.

The thing is I still want him, but I know it sounds cheesy but I belive he is my soul mate, from the second we spoke to each other we just clicked. My family however has a bad image off him and pretty much hate him as they saw messages on my phone where he's cussing at me, my family and completely degrading me. I did realise he was mentally abusing me but I feel it is due to the fact that that our parents strongly refused a marriage with each other and we both got frustrated and would take anger out on each other and unfortunately his anger got the better off him in this case. But I know he is not a bad person, he has been receiving counselling with the imam to help his short temper, he has always been a good practicing Muslim, and gives and helps with charity which is what attracted me to him in the first place.

I strongly feel as though I made the wrong decision by doing what my parents wanted and the thought of having a future with another guy daunts me. I know deep in my heart he is the one for me and he has still been pushing his parents for me, eventually they gave in and said they're not happy with it but they'll agree for the sake of reputation. And I told him no, that I didn't want a future purely for the sake of my parents but I really feel I made the wrong decision. I have been praying that Allah opens my parents hearts, it's been 3 years I've known this guy. Do I keep trying to convince my parents? Or give in and marry someone of their choosing knowing that I will always be wondering what if for the rest of my life and regretting it? Or leave home and marry him but still make an effort to resolve things with my family after.

Please help, I am in desperate need of advice.



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5 Responses »

  1. Assalaam alaikum im sorry and no disrespect to your parents but they are wrong if hes practicing and muslim then there is no reason you two should not be wed. Caste is not an acceptable reason in Islam, this is the problem today and this is why today dating has become easier than halal marriage because parents are being obstacles to their childrens happiness. My advice would be seek an imam or western scholar who knows their stuff maybe a uni islamic speaker or a family member you trust (maybe a respected uncle whom you trust with this knowledge?) and ask them to speak to your parents on your behalf. He obviously respects you enough to marry you. Make lots of dua Allah can change hearts and do not marry someone you dont like, there are too many stories of that on this site with sisters being miserable because of a fake sense of responsibility. Islam is just, not oppression. And of course pray istikhara and ask him to as well.

  2. Caste is no reason to refuse marriage but I would have my reservations about somebody who stoops to degrading others' family just because they do not agree to marriage. That should never be the done thing.

    Sadly, It is true that these days very few of us can actually be called practising Muslims because most of us lack in even following the basic tenets of Islam and just giving charity or being involved in fund raising is not called practising Islam. Lots of non Muslims do that too. Secondly, practising muslims do not date for 3 long years.

    You are on the right track of offering prayers and asking Allah SWT for guidance. Offer Salatul Istikhara too and if you still feel strongly then continue to convince your parents. Let his parents come over to ask for your hand in marriage since they have already given in. See how it goes from here. But, remember, no cursing and degrading anybody should be involved. If you cannot resolve your differences now and cannot respect each other's parents then you both better do some growing up and stay away.

  3. Please read all of the stories on this site from the people that have married partners they forced their families to pretend like they accept (yes, pretend. Let's not fool ourselves in to believing "convincing someone" leads to genuine accept. It rarely, if ever, does). Maybe, when you read about how rocky these people's marriages are, and about all the problems they face due to family unaccept, it will be easier for you to know what to do.

    Sometimes, it's much easier to make an important decision when others have already made it before you, and you can use their experiences (having made the same choices you want to make) as a visual of what your future could look like. So...judging from other people's experiences, ask yourself if you want to live a life where there's constant tensions and arguments between you, your husband and your families. Ask yourself if you want your future Ramadans and Eids to consist of problems and families that can't even be in the same room as each other. Ask yourself if you want to bring children in to this world with a maternal and paternal family that hate each other. Believe me, it's not fun for a kid to grow up in such split / broken family. I grew up with a mum that has issues with both her own and my dad's family, and it's always been really stressful and hurtful, as the "child" stuck in the middle, to constantly have to choose between your own mother and the rest of your family. In my case, it's so bad that I'm not allowed to see certain family members - and when I graduated from University my mum got angry about the fact that my aunts had bought me presents...she made me feel guilty and "wrong" for accepting graduation gifts from my own aunts. She basically turned my graduation celebration, something that should be a happy milestone in someone's life, in to a very sour and negative experience - as she usually does with pretty much any experience that somehow involves the family. Or a good time with other people. Personally, I have learned from her and her life choices: I have decided that I'm never going to marry a man unless both of our families get along. I wouldn't want my own children to miss out on having both sets of grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. Would you?

    Also, I think when you make yourself believe that there's only one right person for you out there, you are playing it dangerous. This guy could be your soulmate, but don't you think others could be, as well? I have been in love before, and each time I was I thought I'd met someone who's a slice of me. They all were, in different ways...I'm sure I will meet more people whom I will feel like are "a slice of me".

  4. Caste is not issue. But the fact that he is short-tempered would worry me a lot. His parents did give in because of his persistence and so can your parents. BUT that's not a good start of a marriage. Things are not always rosy and disagreements will arise. Then how will your parents react? Obvious. How will his parents react? Obvious.

    So, I would suggest not overthink about the parents side. Think about the possibility that you get married to him and then his short-temperedness overtakes. How long can you tolerate if he is already cussing at you now? Think twice. Look at his other characteristics.

  5. Asalamoalaikum Sister,

    What do you define as religious? Someone who prays and gives charity? This actually is a very basic fundamental requirement of being classified a Muslim. I’m not sure if he sounds very God fearing to me.

    Here’s why:

    You both have been in a haram relationship despite knowing it’s wrong. You were caught once and regardless of your parents telling you they can’t accept this relationship on both invalid (i.e., your castes are different) and valid (i.e., he swore at your family) grounds, you both continued to stay in touch when you know very well that he is your non-mahram.

    He swore at your parents and family because your parents are not agreeing. Hmm, my parents have been wrong a fair share of the time but if my husband swore at my parents, that would be it for me really. Not because I can’t forgive him but because disrespect does not fit in my equation of what defines love, period. I don’t care if he was angry, certain limits cannot be crossed. I am glad he’s getting the help he needs though and may Allah swt guide you both.

    However, you need to think long and hard about this point. If this man is degrading and swearing at your family prior to being married because he’s angry, what makes you think this will stop? How do you know the swearing may not transfer over to you (if it already hasn’t?) It may stop, but more likely than not it doesn’t. It gets worse because he knows you saw it and accepted it by choosing to stay with him.

    Next, his parents don’t approve of you and are “giving in”. Given that he is short tempered and his parents aren’t fond of you, there will naturally be some tension. They may ignore you, be rude to you, etc. When you’ll complain to him eventually he will get fed up and the fights will begin. Think of his temper during this time. Will he be the lovey dovey man he is now, or will the swearing return?

    Dear sister, remove your heart from this situation and ask yourself practically, if this was a potential prospect that came to your home and proposed you and your parents said no because of caste (despite it being a silly reason) and he swore at your family, would you choose to marry him? Probably not. Then why this man?

    -Hopeful Sister

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