Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents unaccepting of interracial marriage

islam race rascism religion cross culture

"O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of God is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And God has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)." 49:13.

Aslamualakum brothers and sisters, I am in need of some advice.

I am a 19 year old pakistani girl living in Australia who would love nothing more than to marry her childhood friend who is also 19 and is palestinian. We have known each other since we were in year 7 (he was in year 8) and remained friends till a year ago. During our friendship period we would talk and rely on each other for advice as him and I were going through our own personal struggles of growing up as a teenager. When I was 15 I grew closer to my deen and decided to stop talking to him but because secretly I liked him I'd make dua that may Allah reunite him and I if we are meant to be. A year later we reconnected and still remained friends till one day we both told each other of our feelings and decided we want to marry, obviously that's when our friendship turned to something more as we grew serious of each other. I know it sounds weird to hear that two teenagers decided there and then but him and I have been through our fair share of life struggles and are mature for our age. I'm not going to lie and say we have always been the best of muslims but alhumdulillah we have never forgotten what is right and wrong. He is in uni currently and I am finishing of year 12.

He's told he's parents of us and they are open to the idea of him and I marrying but the problem comes down to my parents. My mother believes very strongly on marrying into ones own culture. Upon asking if she'd ever be open to an interracial marriage she always says no and says that though islam accepts interracial marriage it also says to see what's best for yourself and that she can't see an interracial marriage being right for me or our family. she says there will be too many troubles etc. And though I understand what she means I don't want to give up on this guy that quickly (my dad is also on the same page as her, even more so but if mum agrees to the marriage so will my dad). He is genuinely an amazing person, he is mature, kind hearted, is a good practicing muslim and tries he's best to be the man islam recommends for one to be. And because we have known each other for so long we both can't imagine a life where we aren't together. Another problem is I'm really scared to tell mum about him as I am scared of her reaction. she's always been a strict mother and even stricter when it came to boys or love marriages etc.

So what should I do? should i be upfront and tell mum everything? In hopes that she may see it from my side and maybe accept? The risk would be though that she'd loose her trust in me and would potentially take away my phone and what not. Or should him and he's family come as a marriage proposal and hide the fact that we have known each other for so long. The problem is she may suspect that there's something going on because she doesn't believe anyone from a different background will just come out of nowhere. Please advice me on what is the best option as him and I do want to make this halal as soon as we can. Also she has no problem if me getting married as long as the person is pakistani. I can't talk to my dad either as him and I have never been close and it would just end badly. So please any advice would be helpful.

Thank you

ayshahhh

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3 Responses »

  1. Hi

    That is wonderful new that you and your boyfriend have decided to get married. It's easier as you know the person from childhood. However keep in mind that you are both 19, and still have a lot of maturation to go through. Before you tie the knot there are many things to consider - will you be able to cope with living together on a permanent basis, are you prepared to stand by each other when things get really bad as when things are good, financials, etc. Perhaps stay engaged and live together for at least 3 months (which is the minimum time frame after registering intent to marry before the wedding), and then if it's going well that's great. Remember communication is the key - honesty builds trust.. Don't hide anything from your partner and also listen. Don't hide from your parent the fact that you've been friends for a long while.

    Here in Australia, you can legally marry anyone you want regardless of culture, race, ethnicity, religion, family history, provided you are both 18 or over, are not currently married, both unrelated to each other, and I think one must be citizen or permanent resident (might have to check that last one). You could both present yourself to the office of marriages today, register your intent (there is a fee, $160 or something like that, could be more), and book a ceremony with the registry (it could even be a soon as one month, you'd have to check the office of births deaths and marriages website) and be married!

    Now as for getting family support, which is understand a huge factor in getting married (but not legally), just be open and honest about the relationship. How you met, how long have you been together. Your parents role is to protect you, so think of the things you would want to know if you had a daughter that wanted to marry. You are 19, how many boyfriends have you had? How will you go living alone with him? All these thing might seems like a fine idea but the reality can be much more complicated. Try moving in together for a few months see how you can cope.

    As for the interracial thing, I'm not sure how that matters, I've been married to an African woman for 5years now (I'm a white Australian) and I've never experienced interracial to be an issue. The best thing to do is just be honest about things with him and your family and his family (you don't have to describe your sex life to anyone, but if you must say something about it:yes or no or "it none of your business").

    Good luck and be safe.

  2. Salam sister, I know what you are going through.I was almost in the same condition, except for some minor details but the parental issue was same.Anyways, my advice to you is talk to your mum.take her confidence and tell her everything I am pretty sure she will understand. I am not close to my mom but I told my dad and convinced him to meet the guy I like. Now the main obstacle is my mom though I believe when its meant to happen it will.Pray a lot! seriously dua can change everything. If your intentions are pure,trust Allah SWT its going to be okay. Your faith in Allah should be very strong! I am advising you this because I have gone and am still going through a situation like yours but conquered a little bit of success by the grace of Allah.

    You have to tell your mother,no progress can be achieved by not telling.The harder the battle the sweeter the victory. My prayers are with you. InshAllah you will get your happiness.

    Love from,

    Pakistan.

  3. Salam sister, I know what you are going through.I was almost in the same situation, except for some minor details but the parental issue was same.Anyways, my advice to you is talk to your mum.take her confidence and tell her everything I am pretty sure she will understand. I am not close to my mom but I told my dad and convinced him to meet the guy I like. Now the main obstacle is my mom though I believe when its meant to happen it will.Pray a lot! seriously dua can change everything. If your intentions are pure,trust Allah SWT its going to be okay. Your faith in Allah should be very strong! I am advising you this because I have gone and am still going through a situation like yours but conquered a little bit of success by the grace of Allah.

    You have to tell your mother,no progress can be achieved by not telling.The harder the battle the sweeter the victory. My prayers are with you. InshAllah you will get your happiness.

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