Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Problems in Marriage and Mother In Law – Please Help

Allah Tests who He Loves

Assalamualaykum,

I do not usually post things but I am in need of some help and would like to know what I should do.

I have been married for 3 years to a man that I was with for 5 years prior. I eventually tired of doing wrong and therefore decided to get married to him and make things halal.

I have always had issues in my life, and have always had problems with friends and family throughout my life. My mum as much as I love her has not always been the most loving towards me and me and my brothers have grown up in an environment where i constantly saw my parents arguing with each other. My mother is a very controlling person and my dad has had the patience to tolerate this his entire life. Growing up, I was a very insecure person who was always desperate for love. I thought when I got married this would change for me.

Throughout my marriage me and my husband have had a lot of issues, as he is not an emotional person and does not really give me the attention I so desperately needs. He has tried and sometimes I have been in the wrong and he eventually gives up. He has physically hit me, as have I and he is very rude to me when we argue, usually he ends up swearing at me and calling me dumb. Because of this I have grown to be very insecure and regularly suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

We went Hajj a couple of years ago, and Alhumdullilah I have changed the way I behave as did he. Eventually, things went back to its normal routine and the arguments started happening again. But, my husband is religious and prays consistently and has fear of Allah. He has helped me and led me towards increasing my Imaan a lot. For this reason I do believe he is a good person. I just think he struggles to understand my emotions in the way I would like him to.

My Mother in law is a divorcee and her ex husband has re married. This happened a long time before we got married. My husband has been the person who has lived with her throughout and it was agreed that I would live with her as well to take care of her. My other brother in laws all live in the same city also, but we live in her house. She does not work or do much with her life and therefore she is very attached to her son. I have come back to my parents house on several occasions because I feel as though it has been very hard for me.

She will do things such as if i am asking my husband if he would like to eat something, my husband will respond and i will start to make his food, she will then ask him the same question as though i am not there. She will ask him if he has prayed salah but will not ask me even though i am sitting right there. on some occasions her other son has also been there but she has only asked my husband. If i am speaking to my husband she will interrupt me and start speaking over me to him, and i will have to wait for her to finish. when i start talking again, she will interrupt me again. If i make my husband food which he has requested, she will also ask him if she should make anything for him.

Once we were away together on a holiday, just the 3 of us, my husband got us a table for just me and him on the last day, and she was sitting with a group of girls on the opposite table so she was not alone, my husband tried to make the table more romantic by placing a candle, and the girls my mil were sitting told us they would like to take a picture because of how sweet we looked. my mil didnt even look up at that point, after she called him and said why dont you take a picture of me with the candle i have one here. this made me feel like she had a problem with her son showing his wife affection.

Once a big problem occurred because she kept ringing my husband to wake him up for fajr, i didnt like this as i felt like this was something we should be doing as a couple because we are husband and wife, we had a huge arguement and it resulted in him dragging me down the stairs and calling her out of her room. She knew this was causing an issue and we had already spoke to her about it once before. after 6 months she started doing it again. My husband couldnt understand my point that it shows that she does not have any respect for my marriage because she should not be doing something which she knew has caused issues in the past. I left the house because of this.

I was in the same position last year because of an issue with her and demanded that we move out, after a few months i felt sorry for them both and said i would stay and look after her with him. She has continued to make me feel irrelevant and I always have to do all the work in the house, but i bit my tongue and continued. I am completely drained and do not want to go back, but my husband is saying he does not want to move out and leave her alone. I know she does not care about me and she has left out information when he has spoken to her to make me look like i have done wrong, when in fact i haven't.

I do not know what to do, because he will not move out and i am unwilling to move back in because i know this problem will continue, she will not change. he is saying he will support me better now and will listen to my issues surrounding living there moving forward, but he said the same thing to me last year and it is why i went back. I dont believe this to be true anymore.

Please help me, as i have no one to speak to regarding this and just do not know what to do anymore.

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2 Responses »

  1. Walaikumasalam.

    You mention that you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I would strongly recommend that you read "Hope and Help For Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. It might drastically improve your anxiety problems (saying from personal experience).

    The first thing you should start doing is taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Start exercising, spending time with friends and family. Try to de-stress yourself. That would allow you to think and make better decisions.

    You don't mention any children, is that the case ? If it is then for now (until you decide with a clear head) I would recommend dont have any.

    Meanwhile discuss and seek advise from people who you trust and who love you; very close friends, immediate family. Why do you say you don't have anyone to speak to ?

    There are worse things in life than divorce so don't think that if you choose divorce that it would be the end of the world. But dont make decisions when you are not thinking clearly or decisions in haste.

  2. Dear Afiya123

    I think you realise by now that nothing will improve in your relationship with your husband as long as you live with your mother in law. She over rules you and undermines your every move because she resents you being there and wishes you weren't. So she pretends you are not there.

    It's your husband's duty to protect you from anyone causing you pain and mistreating you. He is not doing this while living with his mother and he doesn't seem to want to move out.

    Sister, believe me when I say this. You are fortunate to have your parent's house to escape to from this unhealthy marriage. I suggest that you stay there until he shows commitment to your marriage by providing you with a house separate from his mother's. This is your right as a wife.

    Once you move into your own home away from his mother you can focus on your marriage.

    If he doesn't agree to move out it means he isn't committed to you. So you then have to make a decision whether to stay married to him or not.

    May Allah swt make it easy for you.

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