Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Committed a major sin and am worried what to do about being exposed

Stand up in Problems


I have committed a major sin about a year and half ago. I found myself after trying for 10 years to get married, frustrated and miserable. There were things that led up to this. I was looking at stupid dating sites. I found this muslim guy on a local dating site and one thing led to the next. I found myself naive, stupid, and emotional. I have since forgiven myself, pray that God forgives me and conceals my sins. My fear is that he has tried to expose me. I work in a place that is considered federal. I fear he had some sort of hidden camera and may have planted inappropriate images of me at work. I am now trying to find a new job. In the meantime, I don't know what to do. If I am confronted about this, what do I say?  I did not give him permission for pictures, if there is in fact an image of me. In trying to conceal my sins, he is taking advantage? Should I take him to court? I do not want something like that showing on my record or people discussing me in such a manner, because honestly that's not who I am. I am really lost and do not know what to do? Should I consider a surgery that will conceal my sins.

No one has said anything to me directly, but I feel that people are discussing this. I know that the organization is to keep this confidential which they haven't. Because it has been surfacing its way to me. I really need someone to talk to about this, to give some advice. I suffered from a mild episode of schizophrenia a few years ago and am afraid of a relapse. I am constantly paranoid. Please respond. I have tried submitting this but don't believe it went through.


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17 Responses »

  1. Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

    Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji'oon (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return)

    Be patient and make sincere repentance to Allah.

    Fear Allah. Remember that HE is always watching us whatever we do. Start practicing Islam well.
    If you are not covering yourself the way a muslim woman is ordered to.. then do it from now. pray on time. Remember Allah a great deal (dhikr), seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Shaytan, keep away from sins and wrong actions which are the means by which Iblees gains control over the sons of Adam.

    Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Verily, he [the Shaytan] has no power over those who believe and put their trust only in their Lord (Allah)”

    [al-Nahl 16:99]

    ask that guy to fear Allah. ask him to repent sincerely. And avoid that guy. Stop communicating with him.

    Are you working in a place where there is free mixing of men and women ? ( there can be many negative consequences working in a place where there is free mixing of men and women.)

    By the way do you really have to work ? Your Guardian cant provide for you??

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman is ‘awrah, and if she goes out, the shaytaan raises his hopes (of misguiding her). She is never closer to Allaah than when she stays in her house.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan and Ibn Khuzaymah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Shaheehah, no. 2688.

    Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen said: The field in which a woman works should be only for women, such as if she works in teaching girls, whether in administration or technical support, or she works at home as a seamstress sewing clothes for women and so on. As for working in fields that are for men, this is not permissible for her because it requires her to mix with men, which is a great fitnah (source of temptation and trouble) and should be avoided. It should be noted that it is proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I have not left behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women; the fitnah of the Children of Israel had to do with women.” So the man should keep his family away from places of fitnah and its causes in all circumstances. End quote.

    Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah (2/981)

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Unfortunately, yes I do have to work. My family depends on my income. My parents declared bankruptcy few years ago. They are earning, but minimal. And yes, my job is a place where I work with both men and women. I'm always quiet and do my work. Problem is, everything is in the meantime. I am the oldest of three. My younger brother is working and helps, but has not stepped up the way I guess he should. He recently got married to girl of his choice. My parents want them to live with them so they move to a larger home. The home is in my name. The youngest brother is not done with school. He has been looking for work and is not able to find work. If I had the money, believe me I would have quit long back. I can't just quit. I thought to find another job first.

      • sister. make sincere repentance and become pious. There is only goodness in following the commands of Allah. alhamdulillah.

        may Allah give you a pious man as your husband.

        Try your best to find a place where you can work away from free mixing with men.

        may Allah give you and us good in both the lifes.

        May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    What happened with that man was indeed a sin, but thankfully you have repented and begged Allah's forgiveness. I hope that you recognise the importance of living by Allah's guidance, and that in doing so you will be able to find peace.

    It is natural to worry in such circumstances that there might be some repercussions, but the intensity of your anxiety and some of the thoughts you describe may be related to your mental health. When someone has had problems with their mental health, they can be more vulnerable to the anxieties triggered by stressful situations. I would advise that you discuss the situation with your doctor as soon as you can, as they may be able to help you reduce these worries.


  3. 1- Continue to repent

    2-change your job for peace of mind and to hide your sin. Look for an environment that will preserve your deen and be good for you. MAKE DUA FOR THIS.

    3-Make ruqya regarding your schitzophrenic epside(excuse the spelling) and paranoi. Read surah baqarah every 3 days(yani finish one baqarah every three days according to sunnah). Pray your daily fardh prayers on time, especially fajr and isha and make your morning and evening adhkars which the Prophet used to make which protect us. (

    4_Ask Allah to guide you to a good circle of knowledge(that will increase your iman and knowledge and understanding) and righteous friends and a righteous husband.

  4. Friend, although I cannot offer any Islamic advice, I do have legal experience and I can say this: For the pictures that were taken without your consent you may have legal action depending on the curcumstances of the pictures. Assuming that you are located in the US, every person has a reasonable expectation of privacy. Did you see the pictures yourself or are you speculating thier existance? Were these pictures consented to? Were these nude pictures? Were this pictures taken in a public place? Did you text these pictures to him? Depending on your answer to these questions, you might want to consider speaking with a local attorney. Best of luck.

    • @sumheeyah19 - sister do not get into complications and let the world know that you have committed a sin.

      make sincere repentance to ALLAH.

      ask that guy to fear ALLAH.

      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  5. Assalamualaikum Sumheeyah,

    May Allah Forgive you for the sins from your past. Do tawbah and never return to them.

    I could not understand one thing in your post. What was the mention of "surgery to conceal sin" all about. I am getting only one thing in mind which is a surgery to repair hymen. I am sorry if I am wrong. If I am correct, then know that the scholars have noted that it is not allowed, as it involves cheating. And according to a hadith, Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that whoever deceives us is not one of us.

    For the thought that the guy has hidden cameras to take your pictures, it may just be a fear. I know of people who had such fears but all of this was just illusion. When you find that someone is conspiring against you, such fears are possible. Just make sure you trust in Allah and whenever this man approaches you and attempts to talk, say: fear Allah. And you fear Allah, too. Because you belong to Allah and you will return to Him.

    You do not need to feel that people are talking about you behind your back. Even if they are, they are backbiting. And by doing this, they are transferring their good deeds to your account. And if they have no good deeds, your bad deeds are being transferred to their accounts. This is from a reliable hadith.

    All of this was a part of defensive approach. Now, why not leave this place? When you have fear that the place will cause you to become ill, it is better to leave to a place where you can begin anew. Leave this place at once and get a job in a halal envoronment which would not be like this one.

    If this man threatens you or tries to act smart, then warn him of a legal action and inform your father. But over all of this, trust in your Lord. He shall not leave His believing servants in trouble without giving them relief through patience or solution.

    Trust in The Most Merciful Lord, The All Hearer and The All Seer, The Most Just and The Most Powerful. The King of the day of Judgement. Words are not enough to Praise Him. Such is your Lord. Then why on earth should you worry? Obey Him as He Deserves to be obeyed through the Quraan and the Sunnah in the methodology of the Sahaabah and the Salaf. Do not let Shaitaan take advantage of your situation. He waits to find such situations in order to pounce on the victim and disturb them to cause them to disobey Allah. That is misguidance.

    Trust in Allah and perform Salatul Istikhaarah concerning the new job. It will be done if it is good for you in deen and dunya, in sha Allah.

    May Allah Help you

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  6. Thank you for your responses.
    No, I have not been in communication with the guy. I did not see anything. It is speculation. My fear is that there is something based on hearing other people. I know I have an issue where I take things and interpret them to be directly toward me. Like everyone is talking to me. But, I was not spoken to directly about anything as far as administrative staff or supervisor.
    I do wish to find a job where I am better off. I am searching all the time.
    I do want to live a good life.

    Yes, I was asking about hymen repair. I understand that this deceptive, but I don't know that information like that is something I should tell upfront. I mean, then there is potential the sin is known. I mean, e.g. I tell someone who is considering marrying me, and he tells everyone I said that. That is another problem. I don't know what to do.
    I don't wish that my sin be known.

    • I had read this in one place..

      --> The hymen may be broken due to jumping, insertion of fingers, heavy menses, lengthy spinsterhood and other reasons that the fuqaha’ have mentioned.

      See: al-Mabsoot (5/8), Kashshaaf al-Qinaa’ (5/47) and al-Fataawa al-Kubra (3/88)

      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Do not mention that to anyone. You are not supposed to reveal your sins to anyone.

      Narrated Abu Hurairah ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : I heard Allâh's Messenger ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ saying,. ``All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujâhirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night, and though Allâh screens it from the public, then he comes in the morning and says, ‘O so-and-so, I did such and such (evil) deed yesterday,' though he spent his night screened by his Lord (none knowing about his sin) and in the morning he removes Allâh's Screen from himself.'' (Bukhari)

      You should overcome fears that people are talking about you. It is not true. Even if they are speaking, remember what I said earlier and be satisfied. When you do tawbah, that is between you and Allah. So do not let people cause you to grieve.

      The best solution is moving away to a different place. But make sure you choose a job (or a place) which is not haraam for you to work in. When you move away, people will be new and unaware of your past. You will feel more comfortable than in this place, in sha Allah.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

    • Yes hymen repair is deceptive, you can easily deceive human but you cannot deceive Allah and you will be held accountable for it and also you won't be able to bear the cheat in this life.

      You should have thought about all these and its consequences before disobeying Allah, anyways Allah will forgive you for the sin insha'Allah with sincere repentance.

      Thirdly, you don't need to tell the exact detail of your sin to your potential partner but if he is seeking a virgin and asks indirectly then don't marry him.

      • Everyone says you have to conceal your sins. But how can you do this without lieying? Which is also a sin!

        People are more open and direct these days. If a guy asks a girl striaght 'are you a virgin?'

        What should she answer? if she is not a virgin and says yes, then she will be decieving him. If she says no she will be disclosing her sins. Even if she says, 'I do not wish to answer' then this gives the guy the impression that she is not a virgin as if she was she will immediatly say yes!

        So are you allowed to lie to conceal the sins?

        It is sad that the husband can find out whether the women is virgin or not because of the hymen breaking but the same is not with the man. There is no way of knowing whether a man is virgin or not.

        A man can be with millions of woman and say he is virgin to his future wife. There is no way of her knowing!.

        It is easier for men to conceal their sins. sad ;(

        • Be harsh and say: "I do not answer such questions. We are not yet married and you talk of such things?" This will make him shut up!

          This is not a question one should ask, as revealing sins is in itself a sin. Lying is also forbidden. Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that a member of his Ummah can not be a liar.

          It is how Allah Created us all. He made women different and men different. You can note many such differences between men and women but there is nothing to be sad about Allah's Qadr. Saying that it is sad actually displays ingratitude to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala which can be dangerous.

          A person can say: a man does not have menses while a woman has, so sad. This is Qadr and we should accept it with full acceptance, without any kind of ill feeling. We should be satisfied and Pleased with how we are and never say such words. If a man commits Zina and lies that he is virgin, his lie is with him and Allah shall deal with him and He Wills. He Is indeed The Most Just.

          Sorry for being a little harsh, but it is important to warn of such serious matters so that we can help each other in gaining Allah's Pleasure and an entry into His Jannah.

          Abu Abdul Bari

        • Deliberate ambiguity is regarded as a legitimate solution for avoiding difficult situations that a person may find himself in when someone asks him about something, and he does not want to tell the truth on the one hand, and does not want to lie, on the other.

          Deliberate ambiguity is permissible if it is necessary or if it serves a shar’i (religious) interest, but it is not appropriate to do it a great deal so that it becomes a habit, or to use it to gain something wrongfully or to deprive someone of his rights.

          Al-Nawawi said:

          The scholars said: If that is needed to serve some legitimate shar’i interest that outweighs the concern about misleading the person to whom you are speaking, or it is needed for a reason that cannot be achieved without lying, then there is nothing wrong with using deliberate ambiguity as an acceptable alternative. But if there is no interest to be served and no pressing need, then it is makrooh (disliked), but is not haram (impermissible). If it is a means of taking something wrongfully or depriving someone of their rights, then it is haram in that case. This is the guideline in this matter. Al-Adhkaar.

          Some scholars were of the view that it is haram to resort to deliberate ambiguity if there is no reason or need to do so. This was the view favoured by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him). See al-Ikhtiyaaraat.

          There are situations in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught that we may use deliberate ambiguity, for example:

          If a man loses his wudoo (ablution) whilst praying in congregation, what should he do in this embarrassing situation?

          The answer is that he should place his hand over his nose and leave.

          The evidence for that is the report narrated from ‘Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If anyone of you breaks his wudoo whilst praying, let him hold his nose and leave.” Sunan Abi Dawood.

          Al-Teebi said: The command to hold his nose is so that it will look as if he has a nosebleed. This is not a lie, rather it is a kind of ambiguity. This concession is granted so that the Shaytan will not trick him into staying put because of feeling embarrassed in front of people.

          Mirqaah al-Mafaateeh Sharh Mishkaat al-Masaabeeh.

          This is a kind of ambiguity that is permitted, so as to avoid any embarrassment and so that whoever sees him leaving will think that he has a nosebleed.

          Similarly If a Muslim faces a difficult situation where he needs to say what is against the truth in order to protect himself or someone who is innocent, or to save himself from serious trouble, is there a way for him to escape the situation without lying or falling into sin?

          Yes, there is a legal way and a permissible escape that one can make use of if necessary. It is equivocation or indirectness in speech. Imam al-Bukhaari (may Allah have mercy on him) entitled a chapter of his Saheeh: “Indirect speech is a safe way to avoid a lie”. (Saheeh al-Bukhari, Kitaab al-Adab (Book of Manners)).

          Equivocation means saying something which has a closer meaning that the hearer will understand, but it also has a remote meaning which what is actually meant and is linguistically correct. The condition for this is that whatever is said should not present a truth as falsity and vice versa. The following are examples of such statements used by the salaf (pious predecessors) and early imams (religious leaders), and collected by Imam Ibn al-Qayyim in his book Ighaathat al-Lahfaan:

          It was reported about Hammad (may Allah have mercy on him), if someone came that he did not want to sit with, he would say as if in pain: “My tooth, my tooth!” Then the boring person whom he did not like would leave him alone.

          Imam Sufyan Al-Thawri was brought to the khaleefah al-Mahdi, who liked him, but when he wanted to leave, the khaleefah told him he had to stay. Al-Thawri swore that he would come back. He then went out, leaving his shoes at the door. After some time he came back, took his shoes and went away. The khaleefah asked about him, and was told that he had sworn to come back, so he had come back and taken his shoes.

          Imam Ahmad was in his house, and some of his students, including al-Mirwadhi, were with him. Someone came along, asking for al-Mirwadhi from outside the house, but Imam Ahmad did not want him to go out, so he said: “Al-Mirwadhi is not here, what would he be doing here?” whilst putting his finger in the palm of his other hand, and the person outside could not see what he was doing.

          Other examples of equivocation or indirectness in speech include the following:

          If someone asks you whether you have seen so-and-so, and you are afraid that if you tell the questioner about him this would lead to harm, you can say “ma ra aytuhu”, meaning that you have not cut his lung, because this is a correct meaning in Arabic [“ma ra aytuhu” usually means “I have not seen him,” but can also mean “I have not cut his lung”]; or you could deny having seen him, referring in your heart to a specific time and place where you have not seen him. If someone asks you to swear an oath that you will never speak to so-and-so, you could say, “Wallaahi lan ukallumahu”, meaning that you will not wound him, because “kalam” can also mean “wound” in Arabic [as well as “speech”]. Similarly, if a person is forced to utter words of kufr (disbelief) and is told to deny Allah, it is permissible for him to say “Kafartu bi’l-laahi”, meaning “I denounce the playboy” [which sounds the same as the phrase meaning “I deny Allah.”]

          (Ighaathat al-Lahfaan by Ibn al-Qayyim. See also the section on equivocation (ma’aareed) in Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah by Ibn Muflih).

          However, one should be cautious that the use of such statements is restricted only to situations of great difficulty, otherwise:

          Excessive use of it may lead to lying.

          One may lose good friends, because they would always be in doubt as to what is meant.

          If the person to whom such a statement is given comes to know that the reality was different from what he was told, and he was not aware that the person was engaging in deliberate ambiguity or equivocation, he would consider that person to be a liar. This goes against the principle of protecting one’s honour by not giving people cause to doubt one’s integrity.

          The person who uses such a technique frequently may become proud of his ability to take advantage of people.

          End quote. From Madha taf’al fi’l-haalaat al-aatiyah (What to do in the following situations)?

          Allah knows best.

          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

          • I thought he had to put his hand over his nose because of the smell.


  7. Yes, I understand I am going to have to move and start over. I wish that an opportunity available soon and easily where I can do so. At the time, I found myself really down. I was not able to marry within relatives because my relatives were using reasons such as my family's income and my weight against me. I never ha an intention to do something like that. I wasn't brought up like that. But, I don't know about others, even in losing weight, I have not gotten a proposal unless there is someone who needs citizenship, or looking for financial gain.
    Not that that is an excuse. But, I find I am not happy to be the stem of my issues and I don't know how to fix it.
    Is there someone who has gone through this who can talk to me?

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