Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Coping after divorce

Divorced couple split in two

Salaam.

I really wanted some perspective and since I'm in quite a bad place post-divorce I don't have money to start my islamic counselling sessions.

My marriage ended and finalised about two weeks ago and I am still trying to come to grips with it. I'm not expecting miracles and to get over it fast but I want to know what I did, what boundaries to set up, want to process it emotionally and help myself from making any mistakes again and to be sure I choose someone better for me next time.

I wanted to continue working on the marriage so it's really difficult for me to accept it ended, despite how bad it was and how bad it got, I still wanted to try my best.

I married quite young at 21 and he was 24 (im now 25) we didn't think about the technicalities of marriage. The main chunk of our incompatibility i feel is I used to ask for private time from his family, sitting as a couple, watching things together. He would sit with me in the room and not even sit next to me, he wouldnt like to cuddle with me, watch something together, couple stuff to me in my mind that's pretty normal. he would complain the 'sofa' i was on wasn't comfortable but then in other rooms he said the same thing, he'd like to sit in his own chair, watch his own thing and not really talk to me. to me, it just made me feel unwanted. Isn't that what wives want - love? I didnt care about our lack of money, our problems conceiving, living with his family nothing, I just wanted the attention you know after work coming home together sitting together, it felt nice for me, I dont understand why he wouldnt want that as well. Isn't that what men do when they feel attracted to their wives?

In a failed meditation his mum and him made it sound like that was a really demanding or unreasonble thing, that asking him to sit next to me in another room was somehow mean or out of order.

He would hate that I would sometimes ask for us to go out alone together as a couple and invited his sisters along a few times saying its polite, - to me I didn't see any wrong islamically in going out together it's not something shameful, it's the right of a spouse. (he would often make plans with me then cancel them if a friend rang, or colleague or family decided something different, then get mad when i got mad about it). We lived with them so he saw them everyday.

And it's not that I didn't like them, on the contrary I got along with all of his family, used to buy them gifts, go out with them, entertain my little BIL who was 12 and i miss them genuinely.

I'm just the kind of person (and I did this with my own family too not just his) who thinks you should treat your family well but when you get married you should build your future together and set some boundaries. He made it sound like I was being really clingy or selfish but to me, that's what you do when you're married, all i wanted was some love and affection.

Sometimes we'd be sitting together and his family would come along and again I'd lost him, (between them coming in without knocking, calling for favours, sitting with us for time, the whole time he was free we had constant interruptions from others) it was a mission trying to get him on his own, with the 6 other people in the house, his friends, work and other events in life I felt like i was constantly battling for attention and that made me feel so insecure and clingier than I've ever been.

It didn't help that my family lived in another city- I tried to build a life and I had friends but what's the point if your husband doesn't even like you?

In the beginning when I was new and exciting he used to spend his one day off in the week with me. That changed When he left his job he started going gym every evening from 7 - 12pm midnight and going out football and boxing other nights, I barely saw him as I finished work at 7 everyday. he wouldnt go up to bed with me anymore and stayed up til 3/4 in the morning watching movies on his own. That caused another big row before this final one.

I don't think it's clingy, do guys feel this way? Do you think it was just him as a person? I can't imagine if you truly love who you're with you'd hate to even sit next to them?

I'd really appreciate what you guys think as I really want to learn and to know there is hope out there. I'm not saying things should be a romance movie 24/7 and I understand men need their down time, looking back I could have controlled my anger a bit more but I really feel if you love someone you want to be together naturally?  JazakAllah khairan for reading.

astar101

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8 Responses »

  1. Walaikum Salaam dear sis,

    I don't think you were clingy, nor do I think you were incorrect in asking for free time and personal attention from him. Honestly, it sounds like your husband did not realize or understand the duties he was required to perform as a husband, and it sounded like he was a acting like a little rebellious boy. Although I am not married myself (I am engaged Alhamdullilah), most likely for a time we will live with my parents too, so I can support them. I completely understand that when I'm married (Insha'Allah) my time needs to be allocated accordingly between work/school, family, and especially my wife. It is very unjust to marry someone just to use them physically. A marriage is done for Allah, and thus is a religious obligation to maintain. It is supposed to be a mercy from our Rabb to have someone who can not only share the most intimate of embraces, but someone whom we can find comfort and tranquility in. Someone who understands you and loves you for the sake of Allah. Who completes your deen, and will ultimately form a bond that is the foundation by which society is built on. Marriage is no joke. For those who fear their Lord, marriage is a test that they would strive to pass.

    My sister, it is from Allah's mercy that no children were begotten from this marriage, as they would have suffered from seeing this lack of love between you two. Now that everything is done and over with, try to move on. Understand that there is a companion out there for you, BUT first you have to work on building your own foundation... Particularly with your Creator. We are all sinners, all of us have to read about our days on this earth... It will go with a blink of the eyes, so while we're here, lets worship Allah like He commanded us to. Sis, yes, this ordeal seems unfortunate and a waste of your years but you are still young. Actually, it is never too late to make yourself better until we die. Many many people get divorced every day... I pray that you will get married to that man who will be the comfort and coolness of your eyes, and please do the same for not only yourself but all of this ummah as well. It is sad how few truly reflect, how few truly READ and APPLY what they read from the Qur'an.

    Take care sis, and say Alhamdullilah;) You will understand the beauty of your situation in the future when you are married to someone who will truly love and care for you Insha'Allah!
    -Bro. Ibrahim

    P.s. pray that me and my fiancé are the comfort and coolness of each other's eyes, as well as raising true Muslim children. And that Allah will be pleased with us as well as a unified ummah...

    • Ameen. Great advice brother. InshaAllah your married life will bet filled with love and happiness. Ameen

      To op
      I dont think you should beat yourself about it. You are not wrong to ask for some alone time this was your right as a wife. Its hard I can understand living with inlaws you cant be open about it. But you were reasonable you wanted to feel special and loved nothing wrong with that.
      Your husband didnt fill the void that was created and you so despreately wanted to fill but dont blame yourself for being clingy its natural.

      Divorce isnt a nice thing but if you felt alone whilst being married then whats the point in being married. Marriage is about love, affection and companionship which to be fair you were not getting.
      So please dont think too much about the 'if i had done this or if i had done that' it wont change anything it was written in your kismet. You cant change that.
      The brother above is right, you will look back and see the reasoning behind this. Theres a reason for everything at the time we cant see, so we should leave it to Allah for He knows all the reasons behind everything.

      Try to read quran
      Make lots of duas
      Listen to lectures read books
      Start doing things to keep your mind of the divorce. It will take time but time is a great healer you will heal inshALLAH just stop feeling guilty about what you asked for its not wrong what you did.
      InshaAllah Allah will make it easy for you
      Ameen xx

  2. wa alaikum salaam ,im so sorry. no marriage is perfect .sure you had your flaws and moods too but that is natural we all do. but what he was doing was not right at all he was the selfish and rude one that is not normal behaviour at all, he could have acted so because he was too proud and in matured... i know a friend who had a husband telling her love was not necessary in a marriage or it could only come after decades of living with her that it was impossible to love her anytime soon... so he would be all proud acting single while he was married... the girl was just as confused as u thinking that no mehn she must have been ugly or unattractive for him to have treated her so she set him free by asking divorce... years after the divorce the guy was still all proud rude i dont need you attitude.. anyway just recently he has changed. he recently said who said i didn't love u ..now after all the years.. like what's the use now? anyway he is Still proud but totally different now spoils her with luxuries that he never did before... i dont know if his acting to manipulate her again or if his genuine this people i call psychos who don't know the meaning of a beautiful life or a good person... they should be left alone to do as they feel and not involve you in their madness.. divorce was the best option... u wont recover now its normal but give it four years then u Will be fine time does really make things seem alot better after a while trust me

  3. OP:he left his job he started going gym every evening from 7 - 12pm midnight

    Who spends that long in he gym , that's very suspicious behaviour

  4. This was in your kismet whats done is done. Marriage isnt how life makes it to be its difiatley how Allah plans for us all. We learnt from experience and ensure we become a better person. You wasnt in the wrong just humans never sees the good until its gone. We all lose or gain something is a test from ALLAH. InshAllah you will find someone else who will love and respect you be patiance and let it come to you.

  5. It's 5:02am and I'm lying in a bad, of a flat, I rented out yesterday unable to sleep , because my marriage ended too.

    I spent 5 while years in the exact same situation as you, Except (here's the crazy part) I'm a guy. Everything you described in tterms of spending time together etc was exatly what I wanted from my wife but like you said, if we were going out, her family was coming too. I was actually laughing through reading your post, pparty because I was like, hold in, I'm not the only crazy one right? And like you I got married at 21 (now 27) and it just flyshed its self down the drain. It's sad, but I pray you find peace and strenght in this difficult time. I don't know if you even read posts on here anymore, anyway, Audi like a Saudi. Salaam.

    • Salam, I am in the same situation. it is just gone over a month since my husband had kicked me out of his house and asked for a divorce.

      I was married for 1 and a half years (in a city away from family) to this man and through out the time we've been married we have struggled. May Allah forgive me for my short comings in my marriage but we mainly struggled because he did things I never dreamt a husband could do. He had eyes for other women and had other habits that he never gave up. Every time he said he wanted to change and make things work, he would break my trust again. He has broken my trust over and over in our marriage and each time I try forgive him and always willing to give it a go. I'm sure you feel the same when I say, not only was I scared of giving up on my marriage for my sake but believed I must try for the sake of Allah.

      The final argument was also because of something that he had done which is not acceptable in any marriage in Islam. Maybe I could of controlled my anger and let it go but my over time I was losing my tolerance. He had kicked me out and hasn't looked back since. His whole family has also turned their backs to me as if I was the one to wrong their son. I have asked him to fight for our marriage but he doesn't care to.

      Accepting that the marriage is over has been a struggle and the grief at times seems unbearable. But like you we struggled to conceive. As difficult as it may seem right now, that is a blessing from Allah. If I was bearing his child we both would be abandoned by this man. I am working on turning my attention towards Allah and put all my trust in him only. Only with patience and sabr will we get through this hardship. I have to start seeing that everything happens for a reason. Allah is the best of planners and only when I accept the qadr of Allah will I truly start to heal.

      There are beautiful souls in this world. Maybe Allah gave me this test in life so I could learn from its lessons. Maybe it will teach me what is wrong and right what is bad and good. Inshallah if Allah wills that I marry again I will be able appreciate a man that deserves appreciation. Allah knows best.

      I won't deny at times I feel low and feel despair but I realize that's part of the test. And through the pain and tears my heart will grow strong but also soften and I pray it fills with love souly from Allah, only then will our hearts mend.

      I pray for all brothers and sisters that are heartbroken or grieving a form of loss that Allah makes it easy for them and gives hope for a better life, one that Allah will be pleased with

      X sis Sayaka

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