Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorced but can’t get over my ex husband

black flower

Asalaamilikum!

This is the first time i'm writing about my life on a public forum. I hope no one is gonna judge me here based on the things i'm gonna share about my past, i need help!! I'm depressed and broken so please advice me.

I've been married thrice. The first one was just a nikah, we didn't consumate the marraige. I had a problem with my mother in law and i wasnt very keen on continuing this marriage as i thought if we are having so many issues before marriage how can things be okay after. So i called off the marriage my self, filed for a khulla and got the divorce. During the process of the divorce, i was already introduced to another man by my sister for marriage and we were just talking via email and messages.

The guy knew that i filed for a divorce and i'm in the process of getting one. He was very interested in me and so was i. I felt that i found my soul mate. Although he was much older and i was quiet young at the time. I was only 22 years old and he was 36 at the time. We got married in south africa as the guy lived there. He was very rich, so alot of money was spent on the wedding. Both families were extremely happy and so were we.

After a month into the marriage the guy filed for the divorce and left me. We used to have a lot of fights and arguments. I always expected him to stay around me where as he was very tied up with work as he was the only son. I would complain and argue with him. There were days where i would try to run away from the house and he would get very scared as south africa isnt a safe place. I still dont know why i did what i did. After the divorce happened, i was very shattered and depressed, i thought that this was it for me. My family was very dissapointed with me. Nobody spoke to me properly. I came back to Dubai coz thats where half of my family is and, i came back to live here with my elder brother his wife and my mom. I thought that this is it for me, life will never be good and i will never find anyone. i would look at my sisters and brothers kids and feel so empty that i dont have one of my own. After 4 years, i got marraied again to a guy who i used to play with as a child and our parents were also friends. He used to live in bahrain, and we started talking to each other. We clicked instantly. We started talking alot on the phone, his parents also knew that their son liked me and i like him. They knew about my two divorces.  After speaking and meeting each other our parents decided to fix our marriage. It happened in the matter of just few months.

We got married in duba, it was a happy marraige. My ex husband wasnt divorced or marraied before. It was his first marriage.

After two months of marriage, we moved to Bahrain. We lived alone there, i had a very good relationship with his parents and they all were very happy with me loved me alot. I was also very happy, but after marriage, i kind of was dissapointed with my ex husbands insecurities and anger. He used to be very controlling and dominating over me. He would keep asking me about my past relationships and i wouldnt wana tell him as it was my past and wasnt considered as cheating. But he kept on telling me that if i didnt tell him the truth he would find out himself and divorce me coz he hated lairs. Finally he found out about some of my past relationships and started hitting me and blackmailing me that he would leave me and was cheated by me. I would beg him, and tell him dont leave me as my family wont accept me again and neither will anyone else marry me. Somehow i would convince him, but it seemed like he wasnt happy with me. I would go the extra mile to keep him happy. I wouldnt say a word when he would hit me or swear at me. I would just listen to him and obey him. He would say nasty things about my parents and my upbringing and i wouldnt say a word. He would keep an eye on me when i would go meet my mother and ask me what i spoke to her about, When i would say nothing, he would start black mailing me to leave me.

After a few months everything started becoming ok, and we kind of started leading a happy marriage. But on and off he would keep making me feel as though he was cheated into this marriage with me. From inside i was very sad and depressed, I was helpless as i had to make my marraige work or else i wouldnt be accepted back in my family's house. I would constantly be battling with my emotions and would cry alot, and when he saw me crying he would get more angry at me, We moved back to dubai after a few months and lived alone here where as my parents and his parents lived in sharjah. He used to drink alot of alcohol and wasnt religious at all. I wasnt very religious but i used to pray 5 times. He used to encourage me to drink as well.

When we moved to dubai, we started arguing and fighting alot. He would fight with me on small issues, his parents would interfere and his mom took his side. She started having resentment for me and her attitude towards me changed. when i would confront her, she would deny it. But i knew she didnt like me anymore. Due to that i started hating his mom. I STOPPED partcipating in family affairs. Things got worse and worse and our relationship started going through alot of problems. alot was said and done between us. our fights started happening infront of family and friends. He decided to give me the first divorce when i was in india for my back surgery at my dads house, coz i told him to either choose me or his family. when he gave the first divorce i flew back to dubai, to convince him. i stayed with my hsi parents as my family refused to get involved anymore.

After a month of suffering he sent me to india again to take therapy sessions and said that if i stay there for 2 months and prove ive changed he would take me back and wont give the other tow divorces. I went and took help and stayed for 2 months. He still divorced me. He just wasnt convinced that i could change. So he called it off.

Now the problem is ive been divorced for 7 months now. And im still not able to forget him. I keep showing up at his house and begging him to take me back. He keeps telling me even if he wants too its not possible islamically. Please help me! i PRAY so much to allah, i pray tahajjud and beg allah to help me and forgive me. I feel like ending my life. All i wanted was a child and a happy life. what shall i do? how can i forget him? will allah forgive me? will i ever have a child and a husband? how will i get my happiness and peace? i dont even have family support, i live alone! no one talks to me!! pls advice me!

juweria


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8 Responses »

  1. Juweiria, consider your lucky that you got out without the burden of a child and a lifetime of suffering for that child. You are in love with a man who beat you, swore at you, pestered you about your past even though he knew you had been married before.
    Basically you want to be with a man at any cost. How old are you anyway? Which country do you live in? Could you just focus on improving yourself? I am not trying to be judgemental and may Allah forgive me but you are the common factor in all three failed marriages. Perhaps you just need to focus on yourself and decide what you really want and what kind of man would suit you. We all want a rich guy, a handsome one , one who has never been married but that does not mean that those are the kind that would truly make us happy. I know of a couple where the woman is rich, beautiful and always found men better than herself and then told everyone she was too for them. She got divorced each time. After three failed marriages, she gave up and went into a depression. When a revert heard of her, he married her just to make Allah happy. They live on social welfare in a 1 bedroom apartment but she always says she is the happiest she has ever been and thinks that all those failed marriage brought her to the point that she can finally see all the blessings from Allah in her life. Rest assured, one day you will recognize the blessings in your life and enjoy them too. Your journey has not been in vain. Allah has promised that he will give us ease after hardship. If I have offended you, it was not my intention. I ask your forgiveness as I am not one to kick [people when they are down. Many hugs.

  2. Juweria, no one holds the right to judge anyone because no one has been in the shoes of someone else. So if anyone tried to put you down by saying that somewhere it was your mistake, then dont listen to them because they are those kind of people who never lends a helping hand but often keeps a bad mouth for everyone.
    You did nothing wrong anytime so don't bear any blame on yourself that if you would have done this or that, you wouldn't have to face a divorce. All this was bound to happen and it happened. You couldn't do anything about it. But yes, you definitely made wrong choices when it came to spouse but even that wasn't your mistake. Nobody knows about the future.
    But I feel that you should have clearly honestly told your 3rd husband everything about your past and then entered into the relationship with him. And when he was consistently asking you about your past, you should have been very honest, loyal with him. Should have told him everything without hesitation. If he would have abandoned you after that, then he was never right for you.
    And 1 more thing, just like you said your husband is saying that even if he want you back, islamically he cannot,,, then pls ask him, was it Islamic on his part to consume alcohol and command his wife to do the same?? When he least bothered that part of Islam then why is he bothered about Islam now when he has to take back his wife??
    He is using Islam to his own advantage.
    I know it's very easy to say this but next to impossible to do,, but pls get over your ex husband. He is just playing with your emotions & your condition. Pls always remember "the right one will always stay"
    He left because he wasn't right.
    The almighty save all the women from such males. Indeed, hell is full of people like them.

  3. Did it ever cross your mind to ask forgiveness from your first husband ??? the one you played (quote: it was just a nikah)...Definition nikah : The legal CONTRACT between a bride and groom as part of an ISLAMIC marriage; the CONTRACT of Islamic MARRIAGE; Islamic marriage in general...Marriage (nikah) is a solemn and sacred social contract between bride and groom. This contract is a strong covenant (mithaqun ghalithun) as expressed in Quran 4:21...

  4. Salaam alaikum sister, I am sorry for what you had to go through. It's sad that your family won't support you anymore. Sister I wish u didn't keep going bAck to your ex husband as he didn't treat u right although you did ur best to obey him. Why do u wanna go back to someone who mistreated u so bad and lied to you saying if u go seek help he won't divorce you yet he still did it? U want to go back to him just to deal with his mom and be depressed again? Be glad that he liberated u and let u go. U may still love him but he don't luv u, if he did he wouldn't let u go. I kno you want the life your brother and sisters have, The husband, the kids and All but everyone's story is different and your just happens to be rough. It doesn't mean this won't happen for you. In sha Allah in due time it will. For now just focus on your relationship with Allah bcos you will find strength in Him. And focus on getting a job or furthering your education and doing something for yourself if possible and the right guy will come and u won't have to beg for his love. May Allah protect you and grant you peace and bless you with the family u've always wanted. Take care of yourself.

  5. Why do you want her to contact you?

  6. Aslaamualaykhum

    Sister, may I advise you that perhaps you should stop prioritising finding a man so much and concentrate on yourself?

    Marriage is not compulsory in Islam and there are many more beneficial and productive things you could do rather than finding a husband. Honestly I think you're too concerned with finding a man.

    Focus on yourself.

    • Assalamu alkaikim all,

      I agree with you Brother Asim and was about to say the same before I read your comment.

      ********************************************************************************************************

      Sister, I'm at a loss really at how your family allowed things to happen in such a manner. I'm sorry and it may not seem helpful but you need to look at where you went wrong.

      The first marriage you went ahead with despite having misgivings, then as soon as it was done you retreated on your commitment. This is not something that should be done lightly.

      The second marriage was a bizarre choice and you were already courting so to speak whilst you were still marriedto Number 1. How did it go so wrong after only a month.

      The third choice, when did you come to know he drank alcohol? Also although you have provided ample narrative on how you felt but there appears to be more to this story. I don't understand if he knew of your two previous marriages, why did he develop an issue? Then you state 'Finally he found out about some of my past relationships'. I would have thought it was only one, that being the second marriage as the first was not consummated. Your own comment suggests at least a few.

      Not everyone in this life can be so complacent as to expect to have an automatic right to whatever they feel entitled to. There are women and men out there who are far worthier than many of us in terms of their righteous behaviour, yet they may be suffering greatly. Or the children that never get to grow up through poverty, war or disease.

      You need to leave Number 3 in peace for the sake of your family's dignity if anything. The marriage is over and he is now a stranger to you. It will only lead to further distress and he would be within his rights to obtain a restraining order if they are applicable where you live. I think the only reason you're desperately clinging on is due to this being another failed marriage.

      You need to remain alone for some time. Allah created us to worship Him. You don't simply exist to get married and churn out offspring. Allah has assigned a purpose for us all, some whose is great and some whose is small. Not everyone has a designer life and we must put our trust in Allah, especially when things don't go our way.

  7. Salaam sister. I hope you are ok. It's a shame none of your marriages have worked out. It may be that this is a test from Allah. Its a shame that you dont have anyones support. Especially your families. Just remember that even if everyone else have given up on you and abandoned you know that Allah will never abandon his slaves when they seek his assistance and who is better in providing for his slaves than our creator Allah himself. so sister do not lose hope. In sha Allah you will find someone that will love you either in this world if not here than in the life hereafter. But continue searching you may find someone who will accept you. I pray that Allah makes your path to seeking a spouse as easy as possible without any difficulties. Ameen.

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