Happy marriage suffering after having to live with mother in law
Controlling Mother-in-Law
Assalamu Alaikum.
I hope I can get some advice as I am really sad and confused at to what I should do.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have been very happy Alhumdhulillah. We never had anything to complain about or hardly even argued. He was very loving kind and understanding and helped me with everything.
But a year ago he wanted us to come and live with his mother. Up to this point onwards she had been very good to me and I liked her a lot too and treated her the same way I treated my mother and always prayed for her and asked dua for her etc when I did for my mom. We had a very good relationship. But things started to change as soon as we moved in with her. She expected me to run the house the way she wanted me to, when she realized that I was not going to run the house and bring up my children according to her wishes she turned really mean, and I mean really bad. She used to shout at me and the children all the time.
When I tell my husband about it he used to think I'm exaggerating because I dont want to live there. She watches everything I do and reports all the shortcomings to my husband and this is creating a lot of problems for us because obviously my husband wants to correct it and he has every right to, but what bothers me is that my children make mistakes and I correct them but it takes time and patience to see the results. But she goes and makes it seem like a big mistake and makes a huge fuss to my husband. She always tries to find fault with the upbringing of the children because she can't find any fault in me to report to my husband. She makes it seem like she gets some sort of pleasure seeing us unhappy. She even scolds me to the children when I am not around. There is no point in trying to talk to my husband, if I ever try to talk about it he finds fault in everything I do and we start a completely new fight.
The last year we have had fights constantly and in the last few weeks he has not been talking to me I don't know for what reason. If I talk to him he gives one word answers and I'm afraid to talk about this matter anymore coz whenever we do it ends up in a worse argument and I' even more hurt than I was before.
I can take any sort of abuse from my mil but I feel so sad that I have lost the love and understanding of my husband. I feel upset that he doesn't tell her that we can take care of our children and not to force us to do things the way she wants. If we don't something her way she gives hell to everyone in the house. I hate it there is never a moment she doesn't poke herself into my business. Her controlling and interfering nature has turned my otherwise happy world upside down. I love my husband very much and I know he does too, please let me know what I should do?
kandos
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walaikum asalaam,
ahh, a lot of mother in-laws are like that, interfering, making their daughter in-laws life a living hell. sit your husband down and teach him, the parents have the right on how to raise their children, not a third party who has nothing to do with it calling the shots. tell him this is destroying you and the kids. remind his as a husband/father its his right to take care of his wife and children and listen to what the wife has to say regarding her family. it's either your husband knows what is happening but can't say anything cos he's a wimp or he's too slow he can't comprehend what is actually happening.
now if it gets too bad, you might want to tell your parents, that might wake your husband up and your in-law will get the message. this is abuse never suffer in silence.
peace.
Thank you br Ahmed for taking time to reply my question, I was in desperate need for advice. I did speak to my husband about how all this is affecting me the children and our family. And one thing that I found out is that he has his owm struggles too in this new situation but if he had spoken to me about it I could have helped him and he could have helped me too. There was a lack of communication between us at a time we really needed each other but now since we have discussed the issues we are having things are much much better.
Dear sister Kandos Asalamoalaikum ,
I hope your husband is talking to you by now.
In my opinion you are not used to living with in laws and lack the quality of manipulating situation to survive in joined family.
Your MIL has raised a good man ( ur husband) so her experience and input in raising kids must be good or atleast not destructive.
The problem is that now there are 2 moms with different approach in same house. Of course your husband is taking his mother side out of respect and feeling of obligation.
You have good history with your MIL so sit down with her and ask her opinion about setting rules and principles for kids up bringing and try to come up to a middle ground to avoid future bickering. Try to accept and welcome her in your family life with empathy and open heart.
She is craving for importance. Because you are not giving it to her that is why she is turning towards your husband. Once you will jump in and fulfill her requirement of being important,things will settle down and she will back off from him.
She is kids grandmother and have some rights over them too.
By doing above indirectly you will earn back your husbands love and respect inshaAllah.
gL
Walaikum Salaam Sister.
Thank you for taking time to answer my question. Yes Alhumdhu lillah my husband is talking to me now. Things have settled a lot between us after we discussed matters.
The problem I was having was not because I was not giving my mother in law importance or respect, it was more of her wanting to be in control. She wanted things to be done the way she said and only her way. And the main problem is that she has been very rude to me and I don't think rude behaviour can be justified. if she really felt I was not giving her importance or any other matter she should have spoken to me or my husband about it, the only thing her rude behaviour did was make me lose respect for her.
Assalam alaikum,
Here's the thing...your MIL wants to have respect as she is the mother of your husband, yet, if you operated as she did, you would then go and repeat this behaviour with your own children. This is wrong and it is abusive.
If your husband was the man he is supposed to be as a husband, he wouldn't be swayed so easily by little bickering here and there and for the most part, he could listen to your mother, but filter the information especially based on your previous years of marriage.
It is unfortunate that in a household of 3 adults, you are not being treated as one. Your feelings are valid, especially after many years of successful marriage.
Now, you can't make your husband change or want to fix the problem when he doesn't even perceive that there is a problem. I suggest that you speak to your husband as Br. Ahmed has suggested as the issue at hand is your relationship with your husband, NOT, your MIL. If he doesn't listen or continues to ignore you with silent treatment (which is a form of abuse and frankly very painful), then you may need to seek counselling on your own, speak to your elders. If you wanted, you could demand that you don't want to live with your MIL as you don't have to, but it seems obvious that you don't want that, but this should be recognized by your family as opposed to taken for granted.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself, spend a lot of time with your children alone so that they get a chance to communicate with you freely, ignore your MIL's negativity, ask Allah swt for guidance, have patience through dhikr especially when you are down. Whenever an issue comes up with your husband involving your MIL, try to keep the focus off of her and let him know in a calm voice that you will be happy to discuss the problem so long as you can be treated as his partner, not a child to be scolded.
May Allah swt increase the love in your husband's heart many-fold for you and you for him, Ameen. I pray that you both are able to come to a solution in an obviously difficult situation.
Thank you dear sister for your advice. It has been some time since I wrote this and Alhumdhu lillah things are much better now. And the advice from you about leaving MIL out of our conversation is exactly what worked.
Otherwise it was always a blaming game. I tell him that im unhappy coz his mother did something and he tries to justify it which in the end seems like all the blame is being put on me.. Anyway the thing that worked was telling him how the situtation was affecting ME physically and mentally and how that was affecting HIM the CHILDREN and OUR family.
Wa alaikum Assalam,
Alhumdulillah, good to know that things have improved, May Allah keep you, your family and your MIL happy together and in respectful boundaries, Ameen.