Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Helpless and Emotionally Abused by My Mother

She ran away because she was oppressed

I am in situation I just cant handle. It's eating me alive.I am afraid I might do something stupid or break the Islamic rules .

I have been suffering from terrible emotional abuse from my mother.Its absolutely horrible to live with her.Unfortunately,I am the only victim and my siblings are not victimized,maybe because they are boys,or I am weak .

My mother is a doctor whos studied psychology. She's been crushing my esteem since I can remember. I was diagnosed with a an anxiety disorder in my early teens by a one of the best psychologists of my area after my dad started worrying about my behaviour which had driven me to the heights of dysfunctionality state was horrible,but my mom gave me no support at all and I had to go through it alone..most of it though..

Whats worse is she constantly abused me emotionally and uses her little experience with psychology as proof to put labels on me. She has scared me and threatened me since childhood so much that I am hesitant of sharing it wih my father.My father I feel is not able to handle the situation he clearly is victimised by mom ,but not more than me .I did tell him a few times but it all blew in my face and he always falls into my mothers trap.He is incapable of handling this and sometimes mirrors my mothers abuse. maybe to get her off his back.Also she gives her version of events when I can endure no more and tell my mom how i feel.My dad has sometimes briefly sided with me but my mom has tortured me for it later.

I am always at home and i have no outlet unlike my dad who's at work and my siblings who are either in hostel or too young and MY MOTHER is so nice to them , My mom is using me as a punching bag and theres is nothing I can do.

My mother disturbs me especially when I have an exam going on I am above average student who is trying to work hard so she can get out of this house and than she blames me for her the damage shes done.

I am seriously alone and I am scared and I am helpless. How do I continue to live here? As I have gotten older the abuse has gotten harder to endure. I am underage(16) so I cant leave for another 10 years. I depend on her financially something she rubs in my face from the food to the medicine to schooling. How do I handle this ..what do I do.? My mother uses religion to manipulate me (rights of mother, me = terrible daughter) but I have loved Islam even more because of it as I know Allah is just and this is a test. Please give me some guidance.


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10 Responses »

  1. salam aleikum sister

    I also are/been suffering from anxiety insh'allah Im doing better now because of allah (swt), I can tell you the Quran is the cure, I promies you that your mother loves yes more then you think. just think about what good she has done to you til this day today and how she bought you things you liked when you were little and all the love she gave you, try to research and learn about Islam and read Quran you will find these problems as nothing, sister I promies its easy very easy. Try to pray 5 times daily (If you do not) and seek refuge to allah (swt) and make dua to your self and your familiy (sometimes it can be hard but dont give up) and you will find out after few weeks how your mother loves you and try to listen to what she have to say and help her whatever it takes do it and remeber jannah is under your mothers feets!

    • Generally, females are like that bro. They dont really love. They're doing it coz its thier duty. They are selfish. I hope I die as soon as possible. Especially before I marry In Sha Allah. Something has to happen, I am either gonna just leave he home soon or die or, u know, if Allah is very very generous and sympathetic, maybe delete all females from the world. So finish the men too. No more generation. Just done. But duhh. Impossible.

  2. And try to hug your mother and tell her how much you love her. (Especially when the times comes that you dont want to) her heart will smelt and do good to her! (My mother uses religion to manipulate me) You are 110% false and really its shaytan who try to manipulate you from doing good to your mother, think how allah mention parents in quran how important it is to listen them and do good to them (You dont even have right to say "fie" to your mother my dear sister)

    1- Chapter: 46 , Verse: 15

    and we have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months; until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says: my lord! grant me that i may give thanks for thy favor which thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that i may do good which pleases thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely i turn to thee, and surely i am of those who submit

    2- Chapter: 31 , Verse: 14

    and we have enjoined man in respect of his parents-- his mother bears him with faintings upon faintings and his weaning takes two years-- saying: be grateful to me and to both your parents; to me is the eventual coming

    3- Chapter: 29 , Verse: 8

    and we have enjoined on man goodness to his parents, and if they contend with you that you should associate (others) with me, of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them, to me is your return, so i will inform you of what you did

    4- Chapter: 4 , Verse: 36

    and serve allah and do not associate any thing with him and be good to the parents and to the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the neighbor of (your) kin and the alien neighbor, and the companion in a journey and the wayfarer and those whom your right hands possess; surely allah does not love him who is proud, boastful;

    5- Chapter: 17 , Verse: 23

    and your lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but him, and goodness to your parents. if either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word

    6- Chapter: 2 , Verse: 83

    and when we made a covenant with the children of israel: you shall not serve any but allah and (you shall do) good to (your) parents, and to the near of kin and to the orphans and the needy, and you shall speak to men good words and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate. then you turned back except a few of you and (now too) you turn aside

    7- Chapter: 6 , Verse: 151

    say: come i will recite what your lord has forbidden to you-- (remember) that you do not associate anything with him and show kindness to your parents, and do not slay your children for (fear of) poverty-- we provide for you and for them-- and do not draw nigh to indecencies, those of them which are apparent and those which are concealed, and do not kill the soul which allah has forbidden except for the requirements of justice; this he has enjoined you with that you may understand

    May allah (swt) guide all of us to right path

    • Assalaam ou alaikoum,

      I know you mean well, but what you are saying doesn't apply to every mother. I think it's dangerous to say hugh her and be nice to her and think of all the love she gave to you when you where little. You just assume she is a good mother on some level. There are cases where mothers are mean and incapable of feeling love, and they enjoy destroying and breaking down their children, sometimes they pick out one particular child. Maybe in your case your difficulties resulted from misunderstanding each other, or misbehaviour because of some personal problems. This is common and that doesn't mean that there is no love. But you should realise that there are other situations in this world. You can't even begin to imagine what is going on right now in the world (judging by what you are saying). Mothers and fathers are both capable of horrible things. And jannah is under your mothers feet, but I know it can't be under certain mothers feet.

  3. I am sorry you are going through this.

    Your mom a human being but It's not right for her to throw her emotional baggage on you. It's not your fault! Something is wrong with her, not you.

    Is there anything in her life that is causing her stress that you can think of? Is there a trigger to this anger and emotional abuse?

    If you notice a pattern maybe hug her often, tell her you love her even if you don't feel it, and let her know how much you appreciate the things she does. Maybe she needs love too and doesn't know how to show it or ask for it.

    Are your grandparents the same, meaning are her parents harsh and were they abusive to her as well? Look at their behaviour because most likely she learned to be like this from the way she was raise. have a mission my dear. None of this us your fault. But now your job is to love her, hug her, smile at her and show her what you would like to be shown. When she wakes up in the morning compliment her on how beautiful she looks. Ask her how her day was at night. Help her if you notice she is stressed. Buy her a small gift if something that she likes without her asking.

    Also, learn from her, remind yourself of what nit to do for your children so you can stop this cycle.

    If you need help and the abuse gets particularly bad, do talk to dad and if that doesn't to a family member that you trust like an aunt or uncle that can speak to your mom. Just make sure they are close had have a good relationship with your mom so they can approach her about the subject. What she is doing is also not okay. If she is having problems or us an angry person, she can't let it out on you.

    Also my dear, you are never ever alone. Allah is always there for you. Never give up hope. Make dua to soften your mothers heart and soften yours towards her. Also know that every time you are patient you are getting good deeds, so when your mother says something, just think Allah is there witnessing this and you will get rewarded for your patient and dealing with mom nicely.

    Hugs to you my dear, make lots of dua, and know that Allah is standing by you. The more tested you are the more Allah loves you because he wants to reward you with more good deeds. So take this opportunity to always do good, treat her well despite how much pain you feel and know that you will move out one day. ...and won't have to deal with her abuse for too much longer,

  4. Assalamu alaikum sister'

    I completely understand this mental and emotional abuse as I am going through the exact same thing, even at the age of 23 now. This has been going on since I was 12. I am unfortunately still living with my parents as I have been struggling to finish my university degree and my parents have been so kind enough to still let me finish my studies and pay for my food, daily expenses as they know education is everything in life to them. Reading all the responses here makes me understand clearer, and soften my heart . I have always thought I was a bad child that's why my mother does this to me only. The other siblings are very smart and academically doing very well, but I also noticed it's because they are very detached from her so they are not affected much. And this is made worse when my mother refuses to allow me to marry a man (my schoolmate) even after they have met with his family. Due to the fact that they realized that his family is poor and his father is sick.

    I have side tracked a lot here. So sorry. Bottom line is, I have to constantly remind myself that Allah swt is the only One that can help me, the only one who when I talk to, makes sense, because no other human being can comfort me the way He can. To this day, I still am lost. And I'm still going by my days, with mental/ verbal abuse and banging of things around the house. But I make sure I absolutely do not miss my 5 prayers a day, especially if on one of the days where it gets so bad and I slip and lose a little faith .
    I hope that insyallah by sharing this with you, you know that you are not going through this alone.... I could use some support too as much as I see both of us came here for a little support 🙂

    [Editor's note: I have removed your email address, as we do not allow the exchanging of personal contact information on this site (this is to help maintain Islamic limits, inshaAllah).]

    • Asalamu Alaikum sister, please research NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND THE SCAPEGOAT CHILD. Your mom has major NPD as it sounds and most probably will never change but only get worse. You need to understand her sickness so that you can learn how to protect yourself mentally while still giving her the rights she deserves islamically. Giving her her rights does not include allowing abuse. Make lots of dua and become close with Allah swt only Allah can help you through this. Learn about the deen so you can not be religiously manipulated by her. Allah would never be happy about any abuse even from a mother. She will be held accountable one day. Protect your mind and NEVER believe what comes out of her mouth so it won't hurt you. Don't let her in your head. Treat her like she is mentally ill because she is. Do not respond or argue. Research the gray rock method of dealing with a narcissist. Always remember Allah loves you and this is your test. You will get through it. It is not your fault.

      • You are absolutely correct. This is definately NPD. There is almost everyone who has been through this and trust me once you learn about NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER also known as NPD. you will understand that she is totally ill and that she cant help it. I feel very bad for the situation you are in and I hope you just enjoy your own self and company and be your own friend first because this will help you tremendously. Do not listen to a single manipulative thing she says. Trust me you cannot get out of this situation but you can definately take some practice in dealing with this. There is a lot of videos on youtube you can lookup regarding this issue. I personally like this one and please, no matter what happens, dont confront her by saying that she has NPD. It will go the other way. Be healthy and inshaallah you will also find a healthy partner in life. Inshaallah. here is the youtube video you should listen to to keep a healthy thinking. The psychological videos are by lisa a romano , also lookup 'gaslighting". if god forbid you are indian or pakistani then this will definately help you because this is common in that continent.

  5. What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious knowledge
    concerning unexpected emotions.

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