My husband is being a hypocrite and ruining our marriage
Assalamoalaikum.
I have been married for almost a year now. It was an arranged marriage. My husband was involved with someone else before marriage, but before marrying me he told me about it and promised he doesnt like her anymore and wouldnt even keep contact with her. I liked my husband alot, and thought he liked me too. But he started to fight and abuse me, even slap me over no such issues. I had no idea when all of a sudden he would get aggressive and start beating me up.
My liking for him started to fade away. Sometimes he'd be so sweet to me that I forgot all what he had done (the abuses, fights), and then just a month back he got a phone call from his ex gilfriend's male friend Mr. A(he stated that he was her so-called brother). He started abusing my husband. My mother took the phone from him and listened to Mr.A. Mr.A told my mum that my husband had been in touch with his exgirlfriend and was betraying his wife (i.e., me). After listening to everything we talked to the girl and she told me alot of things that I wanted to Hate my husband.
{Girls statement: my husband had been ringing her up and asking her to meet up somewhere, he told her he had her nude pictures so if she wouldnt' meet he would show them to her parents.
she moreover told me she had been calling my husband up after our marriage just to ask how things were, etc. and that she is upset that he had betrayed her and married me instead for which he should be guilty}
{my husband: he had been guilty all the time as his ex-girldfriend had kept on making him realize that he betrayed her and married me instead, so when he found out that she had physical relations with another person from their university, he started calling her that he had her nude pictures and would show them to her parents and ask them who betrayed who?}
First my husband didnt agree to all this and said the girl was lying, so we asked him to swear on the Quran which he did NOT and just swore that "I will never talk to her again and will be sincere with you only".
My husband prays Salah 5 times a day regularly. Never misses it. He lives with us (ghar-damaad) as the rest of his family is out of Lahore. He works and gets a salary worth Rs.25000/= I work too, and get a salary twice as his.
He doesnt give me any money. I keep asking for money but he says "I don't have money in my bank" etc. but he regularly gives 6k to his father (although he doesnt need money, he's quite rich, still I don't mind him giving money to his father). I want my husband to spend money on me. I dont ask for much neither am I materialistic. I dont spend here or there, just on home accessories. But I want him to give me money. I am studying side by side, my salary goes in my own tution fee. and I want to save some, being a woman.
He must also keep savings, I agree, but shouldn't lie that he has no money in his bank. I saw his bank receipt the other day and it stated he had 1.5 lakh in his account to which he negates. (I dont like the lying part too)
Then he spends most of his time with a friend of his, and if I dont like it, he starts accusing me that he isn't satisfied with his life anymore.
I was so caring but he is making me go away from him. I don't like doing anything for him anymore. He deletes his phone call logs, and after what he has done I dont feel like trusting him anymore.
I too get angry when he deletes his phone calls, but not much anymore. I feel as if he does not love me.
Sometimes in the start he used to bring me roses, but now he does not, he doesnt even tell me he loves me.
I dress up for him, but he doesnt even comment.
He goes from home and doesnt even tell where he's going.
He says he shouldn't share anything with his wife. He doesnt tell me much, although at times I have been a good listener as well.
My question is that I want him to Love me Only!!! And want myself to love him too. But I am so hopeless. I dont know what to do. I keep thinking he may be into some one else now. He loves being around girls, always commenting on neighbour girls, always looking at them.
When his cousins come with their wives, he cracks dirty and pathetic jokes with them. One of his cousins wife is an Aalmaah (she teaches quran to children), he cracks dirty jokes with her and she laughs at them. Once she was going to get up, he at once hold on to her dupatta in front of everyone. I was shocked. I certainly did NOT like it. but everyone else was enjoying, even his cousin!
I am so upset at what to do...I feel as if he doesn't want to understand me, although he states he does.
I sometimes tried talking to him about what I like what I dont, what he wants to change in me, but he doesn't talk about it, he just starts on with other things he never comes to the point, so it's kinda useless talking to him about this issue.
He doesn't listen to me, but he would listen to anyone else, his friends, his colleagues, and other people, but not his own WIFE.
This is really frustrating.
I always wanted our couple to be an ideal couple. but he doesnt let go of other women. what kind of prayers does he offer which doesnt make his mind clean from women. even if its clean, why does he love to stick around women?!
I want him to change completely, for his own good.
mehr77
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Sister mehr77, As-salamu alaykum,
Your husband is a compulsive womanizer. He is being controlled by his lusts and desires. Whether the accusations made by his ex-girlfriend are true or not I don't know, but all his other behavior (deleting his cell phone logs, not telling you where he's going, flirting with women, etc) indicate that he may be cheating on you. On top of it all, he hits you, which is absolutely unacceptable.
My advice to you is to divorce him. Consider it a blessing that you do not have any children yet.
I know that what you want is for him to change. But that's a fantasy. He is not going to change his personality. You need to accept that fact and proceed from there.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikum salaam,
Agreed, as the physical abuse is enough grounds to divorce him. The way he was acting with his cousin's wife is equally disturbing and quite sick that the family found it humorous. Speaking or joking in a profane manner with any woman is below the true dignity of manhood, unless it is the playful banter between husband and wife.
Sister Mehr77, when a man talks suggestively and looks at other women in complete defiance of Allah (swt) and disregards his wife's feelings in this manner, he is showing that he has no respect for her and that he does not care to show her true, committed love. Once again, to top this off, he abuses you.
I cannot find it in my conscious to ever encourage any abused spouse to continue to live with their abuser. What he is doing to you is a crime both judicially and Islamically. It is time to leave this oppressor, then.
Dear Mehr77,
One suggestion, try and read your post objectively like a 3rd person would, and you will have your answer.
There's such a sharp contrast between you and your "husband"! To me it seems, he's a man who's got no conscience whatsoever. Also, please understand, being "religious" is one thing, being a "follower / believer" is altogether another! Nowhere in his conduct can I see an ounce of righteousness.
I am glad, you have not got hysterical with his ex and instead heard her out completely. I know, you have cared for him and have emotionally invested a lot in him, and are hoping to find a ray of hope to turn things around for good, but honestly, it's not worth the effort and severe heartache. The man's not at all worthy of it.
He's already betrayed a woman he claimed to have love. He keeps in touch with his EX behind his wife's back who he claims to love. And then over a period of time, he also has the audacity to play around with other women, irrespective of what his wife feels about it. With this attitude and conduct, do you think, this man has loved any of the women he's been with? Clearly, No. You're living an illusion (just like his ex) if you think, he loves you. And it's not about you or any other woman, it's just that this man is incapable of sincere affection. In that case, can you see yourself endure this indifference for your entire life?
Also he's not even fulfilled his basic duties as a husband. "Ghar-damad", yeah, well right!!!
You see, I feel, he's clearly defiant, reckless and indifferent to others. He's clearly violating you, your parents, your relationship, your feelings and your self respect. Give me one reason, why do you have to tolerate this? You clearly deserve someone better, someone who respects you and your affection. Someone who lets you fulfill your dream of being an ideal couple.
Please get out of this muck as soon as possible.
get ruqya (adhan in his ear and quran) done on him, someone may have done sihr/taweez (magic) on him to make him hate you, go on youtube to and make him listen to al ruqya al sharia and inshallah it will help and then if you want you can ask him to marry another wife since islam has allowed it, because its in the nature of men to want more women. and he will still love you.
most of all make dua to allah since only allah will sort your problems inshallah. and obey your husband, he will love you more, say to him you love him and only wish o please him, maybe he feels threatend as a man because his wife earns more than him, see if he wants you to leave your job?
most of all show him QURANIC verses which tell men to lower their eyes and not look at any women but their wives, remind him of the hell fire and punishment,and tellhim to fear allah inshallah.
also sister make sure to not take anyones side against your husband, maybe because you did that in the past by beliving that girl he may be hurt, so speak to him about it inshallah, men like obediant wives, so try and do that and ask him to fear allah inshallah
This reply is very positive and hopeful and clean. Allah (SWT) says that "Repel evil with what is good"......
and Trust in Allah, follow this advice for the sake of Allah, and Recite Quran at mid night (in Tahajud) prayers and invoke Allah (Alone), and deny invoking all others except Allah for help..........: and Allah Hears the Prayers and Knows what is good for you................SubhanAllah..........
Oh sister so sad. Initial thoughts would be to get elders involved and leave him.... He is disturbed and will probably never change. But I can see that you maybe have a small amount if lOve for him.... In fact maybe even pity. Pray some dua... Ask a religious molvi.... If no change in 3 months definitely leave him. Good luck.
as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb.. first of all SMILE! It's Sunnah! so you're hoping for him to change? you're hoping for him to stop his absurd acts? you're hoping for your love to restore with him? now let's put the "hopes" aside.. and let's inspect the FACTS.. the fact is this guy is physically and mentally abusing you.. the fact is that this guy does not care about you or else he wouldn't be causing you harm.. the fact is this guy thinks he can get away with murder.. why? because he typically feels that you can't do jack'all.. Is that right? NO! that is NOT right.. you are in control of your life.. you are in control of your emotions! you are in CONTROL! do not let him control you.. you're not his puppet.. he will NOT get away with causing you to sulk in misery.. do not feel helpless sister.. you have Allah *swt* with you.. Although he has damaged your self-esteem etc to quite an extent I would still say don't take hast decisions.. I strongly suggest you do Istikhara and ask Allah *swt* for guidance in terms of whether you should leave him or stand by him.. and then act upon whatever sign you receive from Allah *swt*.. until then there's no point in depressing yourself.. please do not revolve your whole life around an unreliable husband.. be happy and don't let depression take over your life.. see this as a test from Allah *swt*.. you need to get through this with patience and with making wise decisions.. ONCE AGAIN! Istikhara is your next move.. *Jazak' Allah* for reading my comment with patience.. and If i have offended you in any way then do forgive me.. Allah hafiz.
I just want to say..This is all very disturbing, who gave him the right to abuse you, is he even a Muslim man? Plus having haraam relationships?? Then he doesn't spend money on you even though in Islam a man has to spend money on his wife!! You said he earns in rupees meaning he is an Asian Pakistani or Indian, if so this behavior even more disturbing!! You are such a wonderful capable woman who earns twice as much as him......I mean woman in Pakistan don't even earn and have such good husbands... Don't drag on to this marriage....You need to sort this out soon...I am only 18 but a feminist and Muslim....I mean here in London I'd call the police if I'd be abused by my future husband..I mean I'd have him rot in jail to learn the cost of a single slap....
asa,,get out of this relation if u are not satisfied with it. before you get yur family extended,,bc once children get inbetween ,,then you start thinking of compromise for the rest of your life,,,plsss get out of itbefore its too late..yur well wisher