Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am unhappy in my marriage and having a crisis

Unhappy marriage

Salaam,

I hope this message finds you in good health and imaan

I am currently a married woman with 2 children alhamdulillah. The marriage was of choice and I have been married now for 5 years.

My main issue is that I feel like I have chosen the wrong spouse. I have written about this before and since then, I have tried so hard to take things on the chin but I really do feel like I am in a state of depression or in a state of numbness.

My husband isn't a bad person but he talks to me like I'm some rubbish on his shoe sometimes. I find there is a pattern of behaviour but I am too afraid to say as I just do not trust him anymore. I cannot confide in him because in the past, things I have told him, others have come to know about. Things I have asked for him to keep personal, he has told others. I am a very private person and dislike my business or feelings to be known by others that I have not confided in.

He tries so hard to get the acceptence from his mother (which he denies doing), that he forgets that I am his wife and I too have a family. My family are often the subject of his verbal abuse, although he usually tries to say it in a jokey sarcastic manner. It really bothers me but I feel if I say anything then it will escalate into an argument and that is the last thing that I want my children to hear and feel. My children are the only things that keep me going and I often feel my husband has an issue with my children being around my maternal family, which my family have also picked up on and feel uncomfortable with their grandchildren around him.

His relationship with his mother is volitaile to say the least. One minute he is swearing at her and wishing her dead--the next they are best friends chatting, backbiting, and gossiping about other people (one thing that I cannot stand is idle chit chat). His mother is difficult and on my husband's own admission he says that she is hardwork, tactful, a game player, that she destroyed her eldest child's marriage, and has tried to ruin her other children's marriages too. Yet when things are ok between them it's my mum that is the issue according to him and I know that seeds are planted in his head by his mum, but I cannot say or prove this. They are good at playing on certain events and turning them into things bigger than they are.

They have wronged my family many times but my family have always bitten thier tounges and have never reacted or retaliated as they fear it will cause issues for me...so they stay quiet. In the past, I have argued with my mum due to seeds planted in my head by my MIL and husband but I have wised up to that fact.

The latest issue is that now my father does not visit my inlaws and go to family functions. My father does have a very different train of thought to others and often is misunderstood, but my husband is often easily led and influenced and I am just tired of this marriage. I feel drained by it.

We are of Pakistani descent and the cultural values I often don't agree with and dislike the fact that it takes over religion and how lines have been blurred between religion and culture but I cannot explain that to my husband. He claims he has faith yet when I tell him to pray namaaz or read quran, he doesn't and gets angry with me. He wil listen to speeches and watch videos and claims that makes him a believer but when I say "you only need the quran for guidance and prayer as prescribed by Allah," he doesn't like it. I'm not the best practicing Muslim myself, but I do try my best and know I can do better.

I'm sorry this post is a bit all over the place but I really do not know who to talk to or turn to as I feel like I am isolated even from my own family. I know my mum and dad are there for me but I cannot approach them as I fought so hard to marry the man who has broken me. I have kept alot hidden from them as I do not want them to worry and I also do not want any arguments or conflicts, but they know I am unhappy and no longer the woman I used to be or the woman they raised.

I pray to Allah to give me a way but I dont even know what I want anymore... I know these things may be trivial to most as people out there have it a lot worse than me but at this moment in time of my life I cannot carry on like this... I am not strong enough.

I do not want to see my children suffer but I cannot bring them up how I would like to as honest muslims living like this. I do not want to be a hypocrite but living like this I feel I am becoming one.

I do my best to be a good wife and daughter in law but its always as though I'm not good enough or because my upbringing is different its not good enough. My husband and I are too different and that is causing friction.

My husband is ok with me. He vents out and then it's over with. I feel like I always apologise for everything and when it comes to the bedroom department I feel like that has become a chore...he makes me feel like a peice of meat; there's no real intimacy other than the act and I guess its my own fault for allowing it to be like that but I am too easy going, trusting and forgiving. I feel emtionally detached from my husband in everyway possible and I dont know how to fix it or if I want to fix it. I do not know if fixing it means that I lose myself fully to conform to this way of life.

I don't even know if it is advice that I want or just someone to listen to how I feel. I know Allah is the master of planners and all is by the will of Allah. But I really feel lost confused and alone.

I could carry on about incidents that have happend but I wouldn't know where and how to start. I just feel like I have been chipped away at and that now I am stuck like this until my time comes. On the surface everything looks good and rosy as though we are happy, but underneath everything I feel broken. I cannot play these games... I have never been around these games and cannot carry on like this and do not want my children a part of this charade.

Sorry for taking your time and thank you in advance. I pray Allah makes everyones struggles easy and keeps us all steadfast.

Sapphire

 

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaamu Alaikum, In shaa Allah this will help
    here is what a scholar said it's two parts
    Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

    Thank you for your question.

    May Allah bless all families with goodness and mercy.

    You have addressed two matters.

    • Being forced to stay in a unsuccessful marriage
    • Treading the wrong path.

    As for the first matter, if the wife has exhausted all efforts to address issues affecting the marriage through family elders, counselling, mediation and professional help then she will not be sinful if she seeks to end the marriage relationship where there are irreconcilable differences.

  2. As for the second matter, one is responsible to make every effort to remain on the path of goodness. There is no excuse to engage in sin and transgression. If one has depression and stress, they should immediately seek help through medical doctors and therapy. It is also important to be surrounded by righteous people.

    Obeying Allah and following the path of goodness will certainly bring the mercy of Allah.

    And Allah knows best.

    Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Badat
    Hadith of the Day Imam

  3. May Allah SWT grant you peace and happiness and ease sll of your difficulties my dear sister.

    Do istikhara and try to talk to your husband in a frank conversation. He can't deny he didn't know what the problems are and how he could have tried to make changes if he wants to.

    May Allah accept our prayers, forgive our sins and have mercy on us all. Cry to Allah in the depths of the night and believe that he will accept your duas.

    May Allah ease your worries and pain and accept your duas. Ameen

    • Your husbands ways seems Pakistani. He makes up to his mom, pleases her and then talk behind her back. Strange. This is a sign that he doesn’t care about you and will do the same thing to you, talking behind your back. I am not sure how much he is willing to realize his faults or improve his marriage. But you got to have self respect. Don’t let your in-laws disrespect your one and only parents. You tried a lot and you don’t trust him. Ask him how he feels about his marriage and if he is willing to make it better

  4. Assalaamualaykum Sister Sapphire,

    I am sorry to hear of the dissonance you are experiencing within yourself. I think I can help you at least a little.

    You write:

    "My husband isn't a bad person but:

    "... he talks to me like I'm some rubbish on his shoe sometimes"
    "Things I have asked for him to keep personal, he has told others."
    "[His mom and he] are best friends chatting, backbiting, and gossiping about other people."
    "...he makes me feel like a piece of meat; there's no real intimacy other than the act."
    "It's my mum that is the issue according to him"

    So, I'm sorry, but what is it about him that makes him not a bad person? 🙂 I don't like to be judgmental, but I think you should review your own statements above so you can better define where the problem lies and realize you are placing him on at least a short pedestal and somewhat idealizing him when you say "he isn't a bad person." You cannot solve a problem unless you first see it clearly for what it is. What's the next step then, once you have?

    You write:

    "It really bothers me but I feel if I say anything then it will escalate into an argument and that is the last thing that I want my children to hear and feel."
    "My family have always bitten their tongues and have never reacted or retaliated...they stay quiet."
    "I dislike that...lines have been blurred between religion and culture but I cannot explain that to my husband."
    "I really do not know who to talk to or turn to."
    " I cannot approach [my parents]... I have kept alot hidden from them as I do not want them to worry and I also do not want any arguments or conflicts."

    Sister...you are a people pleaser. You write that you are "too easy going, trusting and forgiving," as if that's a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all. You should embrace your nature and realize that having "arguments" and "conflicts" would not make you a bad person.

    However, you seem to see any form of communication as an "argument." Either that or your husband is making you feel that way. The fact that he often reacts with anger at your assertiveness points to the latter.

    Having a conversation with your husband, with your parents, with your in-laws...this constitutes communication...not "argument," and no marriage can be healthy without it. You need to love yourself for who you are, and realize that Allah put you on this earth exactly as you are for a reason. And that reason was NOT for you to hide yourself under a rock. You have every right to be here. Your needs and wants are important and valid, and you need to communicate them to your husband.

    Ideally, you should always go directly to the person you are having an issue with, rather than their parents or siblings or whoever else, and talk to them about it. This causes the least issues. Even if an argument ensues, you will at least have aired out your feelings and issues and given the person something to consider. I can't imagine keeping your feelings bottled up inside as your above statements suggest you've done.

    Lastly, according to some of what was in your post, it almost seems like you've given up on your husband entirely and are only in this marriage for the sake of the children. However, for your children to see that their mother and father are afraid to communicate with each other, or a father that rages in the fact of conflict, is not only unhealthy for them to witness, but is actually worse than if you two broke up, divorced, and went your separate ways. Do you want your children to learn that they should never speak their mind and let others disregard their feelings?

    I encourage you to be more open with your husband about where you stand. Tell him how you feel, and tell him that if he doesn't start making changes, you will consider your options.

    I wish you the best sister. Let that Sapphire shine bright 🙂

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

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