Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love and forgive, or divorce?

abuse violent physical beat

Aslamalekum,

I got married 4 years ago to my husband who I been with for 6 years. When we dated neither of us took our relationship seriously, but when I got married he was my everything. Shortly after we married I got pregnant with our son. My husband would be drinking every day, and he promised it would stop when the baby comes.

When he was born it became worse and my husband did not help me. I was in his country, and my family was not there to help. When he would drink he would try to take my son from my arms even as a newborn, and when I didn't agree he would beat me. I found out that he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our son, as well went on many websites. Last year he promised it would stop. I believed him, so we decided to have another baby.

My pregnancy was very hard with our daughter. When I was 20 weeks pregnant I had contractions so I told my husband, and he told me "ok, but I need to go to the gym0 are you gonna take me?" We were in my home country on holiday at that time. My mum got me and brought me t the hospital, which I stayed in for 3 nights. My husband on the other hand, while I was fighting for our child's life, decided to sneak out and party while I was in the hospital.

My entire pregnancy he insulted me and accused me of having affairs (with his cousin, brother, and someone he supposedly hired). I left to my home country 2 months before giving birth, and when he joined me he would drink every day. He punched my arm really hard, as well pushed me hard against the wall.

She was finally born, and I hoped things would change but nothing did. I still took care of the kids alone while my husband slept and drank and played on his laptop all day. I listened to insults that I'm a bitch, whore, stupid, trash. All those disrespects. I went to visit my mum for two weeks, and he promised when I came back he will stop drinking. Only one week he kept his word.

Yesterday he brought our crying son to our bedroom where our daughter and I were sleeping. I told him to give him to me, and  he said sure. Then my son was crying for his fire car which my husband was holding, and I told him put it next to our son let him have it but my husband opened the window and threw it out. We live on the third floor.

He than let our son see his broken car on the road. Our son is 2 and a half. He went to the living room then and threw our heater out the window as well. He kept telling me to let him hold his daughter, but I refused as she's 2 and half month old. He then started attacking me while I was holding her- punching me in my arm and trying to pull my hands apart so I would let go of our daughter, slapped me in my face and pulled on my hair .

I called his mum and begged her to come. So then he tried to take my mobile. I quickly went to the living room to sit with our daughter as she already was already crying, and he came on top and squeezed us to take my phone and scratched me in my leg with his whole hand which made me bleed.

He also confessed that he has been cheating on me everytime he used to travel, and that he doesn't love me. He took my phone, then he also took the house key. Then his mum came trying to speak to him, but it was useless. When he slept I took back my mobile.

Yesterday I was certain I wanted a divorce, but now I am getting heart feelings. It's so hard as I still love him, but I know he's not good for my kids. What if he tries to throw out our kids next time? He refused to leave the apartment we live in, and he said if I want a divorce I have to leave. Please help me.

-sarahzayd

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26 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, this man is abusing you and your children. Leave him, file for divorce, and don't look back. It's hard to leave an abusive relationship when you still care for him, but for your own safety and the wellbeing of your children, sometimes it's necessary to do the hard thing.

    If you can, go back to your mum and let her help you heal and rebuild your life. Don't tell him where you're going, change your number, and make sure you and your children get out of this situation safely. Once you've removed yourselves to a safe location where there are people who love you and will help protect you, you can always make contact with his family through a separate mobile number and finalise the separation from a distance. I would urge you not to talk about this with him beforehand, as he seems unstable and violent.

    Your children deserve to be brought up in a household of love and stability, where they can learn Islamic values and see their mother treated with respect. You deserve a husband who will love and respect you, and protect his family instead of hurting them. May Allah protect you and your children.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. AS WR WB sister, I'm sincerely making dua for you. I could try and try the "spiritual bypassing discussion route" but honestly i would seek a divorce. Allah knows but I've seen so many people like this destroy families and i know that you don't need to be on the receiving end of this either. If he he wants to re-enter your life at a later stage "it can be on your terms ONLY" YA ALLAH WHERE ARE THE MEN?? (IN THE BOOKS IS THE ANSWER I RECKON)

    You didn't get married to be treated like crap. You are a muslim woman and deceived to be treated like one.

    Im sorry if i sound rough but this is not right and un-fair on the children too.

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. In fact, it so sad especially with kids involved. This is why choosing a spouse through the Islamic guidance is the best way for us, especially for innocent sisters like you. Now see where you have ended up with yourself? You started by dating and then got married without knowing that he was an abusive man, who is addicted to drinking. No investigation about his religious commitment or his character.

    Now that you should be thinking about getting divorced from him, you are still having the same old emotions/feelings which you called "love" or "heart feelings". Where is love in your marriage dear Sister, and where is compassion? Where is honesty, and where is loyalty and security?

    There is no love without a lover or a beloved. You feel you love him, and he feels he does not love you, and he proved it by his actions. What then is left for you, Sister? Are you going to wait till he proves to you by throwing your babies or yourself out of the window, before you believe him?

    As for the apartment, you did not mention who it belongs to.

    In any case, I don't think finding a place to live would be a big issue, if you report him to the authorities in the country you live in. They will know what to do with regards to where you live, inshaAllah.

    So now the choice is yours. Put the heart feelings/love aside and then think about the situation for your own safety (for you and your babies).

    P.S

    You did not even mention about your religious commitments (you and your husband). If you (yourself) are weak, then please repent and then seek help from the Almighty Allah as well, and know that He will be there for you during the divorce period, inshaAllah.

    Also, please do not forget to repent for the transgressions (when you dated before marriage). Perhaps Allah sunhanahu wa ta'ala will forgive you and have mercy on you. He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    • Religious commitments ??? Come on brother. Our sister is in need and we want to see proof of Her faith. A bit tasteless and judgemental.

      • Ok. I got your point. But my point is really far from what you understood. That is why I wrote it separately. In fact, I wasn't trying to be judgmental (I apologize if I did unintentionally).

        I was just giving a general advice (to draw her attention to confirm something by herself) in a way like "if you know this is there, then do that". I didn't meant it in a way like, "You must do this because that is there". There is a difference between the two.

        I was concerned about their relationship before marriage (whether it was a halal courtship or haram relationship), and whether she got any motivation to practice her deen, while living with an abusive man who is addicted to alcohol.

        It is just an advice I would give to my own sister, to make sure everything is ok in all aspects.

        Anyway, JazakAllahu Khair A Hakeem.

      • It didn't sound tasteless and judgmental at all. Brother issah advised it by saying if she strengthens her imaan it will help her through her divorce proceedings. When giving someone advice on an Islamic page that is one of the fundamental thing that needs to be asked/advised/addessed. Once our relationship with Allah swt is sorted then the rest will fall into place. Right now the sister believes she is in love with her abusive husband. However i believe once she strengthens her relationship with Allah she will see the truth of her situation much more clearly and will also have that inner strength to move away and do the right thing for her and her children.
        May Allah swt guide her and keep her and her children safe from all harm. Ameen

  4. Lord please remove the strife from this woman's life and restore her soul with peace, for her struggles have been plenty. Amen.

  5. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    My entire pregnancy he insulted me and accused me of having affairs (with his cousin, brother, and someone he supposedly hired).
    THESE PEOPLE WILL NOT STOP HERE THEY WILL INCREASE MORE TORTURE AND EVEN IN THEIR BAD TEMPER HARM YOU IN ANY WAY THEY WANT-
    SO PLEASE DISCONNECT FROM HIM NOW-AND SAVE YR SELF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE-
    REGARDS

    • I totally agree. I'm sure I speak for everyone on here. We aren't just messages, we are your brothers and sisters in faith and we hurt when you hurt. If you need any real help I'm sure there are sisters on here that would be able to speak to you and provide practical steps moving forward. A Hakeem

  6. A lot of people might comment and tell you how god hates divorce but what god hates more is the suffering of his believers and sister you are suffering!!! Leave and get as far away as you can from your husband! May allah swt protect you and your children ameen

    • Abu Hurairah relates..........
      "Someone said to the Messenger of Allah 'I have some relatives whom I treat well, but they deny me my rights-I treat them well, but they treat me badly.I am forbearing, but they
      quarrel with me'-
      The Messenger of Allah said-
      'If this is really so then you are feeding them hot ashes.
      Allah shall always give you a helper.'” (Sahih Muslim).
      It means that they were acquiring hell fire by their deeds, and they would never harm him; rather he would be helped against them by Allah.
      Narrated 'Abdullah bin Umar: Allah's Apostle said, "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection . "
      Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet sent Mu'adh to Yemen and said, "Be afraid, from the curse of the oppressed as there is no screen between his invocation and Allah."
      Narrated Anas bin Malik: Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one."
      Narrated Anas: Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
      Narrated Muawiya bin Suwald: I heard Al-Bara' bin 'Azib saying, "The Prophet orders us to do seven things and prohibited us from doing seven other things." Then Al-Bara' mentioned the following:-- (1) To pay a visit to the sick (inquiring about his health), (2) to follow funeral processions, (3) to say to a sneezer, "May Allah be merciful to you" (if he says, "Praise be to Allah!"), (4) to return greetings, (5) to help the oppressed, (6) to accept invitations, (7) to help others to fulfill their oaths. (See Hadith No. 753, Vol. 7)
      Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet said, "A believer to another believer is like a building whose different parts enforce each other." The Prophet then clasped his hands with the fingers interlaced (while saying that).
      627 Narrated Ibn 'Umar: The Prophet said, "Oppression will be a darkness on the Day of Resurrection."

    • You said the truth Ukhty..."What God hates more is the suffering of his believers."

      Oppressing and killing are both in the same category. However, the most hateful act in the sight of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala after shirk, is to kill a soul. Yet, Allah says oppression is more serious than killing a soul.

      What the sister is going through is a clear oppression, and only Allah knows where it's going to end if she does not get out of it sooner.

      Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: "...Oppression is more serious than murder..." (Quran 2: 191)

    • Salaams,

      That's what I always say when someone brings up "Allah hates divorce"....well Allah hates sin more. Sin is punishable, but divorce is not. When someone is physically hurting another, or oppressing them, or even hurting their heart, this is SIN.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • You are right Sister Amy, mashaAllah.

        As for the hadith "the most hateful halal to Allah is divorce", despite its weakness in its chain of narration, the hadith in itself does not make sense at all, especially when reflecting on its text and comparing it to the Maqaasid as-Shariah (The purposes of Shariah)...Why would Allah hate a divorce if its purpose is to separate two people who are not compatible to each other, and their only peace is in the divorce???

        • The above hadith is weak in its chain. However, if it were to be authentic in reality, its meaning could have been interpreted for certain divorces (such as a man divorcing his wife for no reason).

          Allah knows best.

  7. Salam sister,

    I feel really bad for you. I can totally emphasized with you. I am divorced and it was really hard for me too. I also had the same feelings of love as you did. I didn't want to divorce no matter how badly he hurt me because I still "loved" him. But this is NOT love! This is deception of the mind. You want to be happy, you desperately want him to love you, and your mind is creating the feelings you want. This is fake! Anyone can say "I love you" anyone can say "sorry" but the actual truth of the word is displayed by a persons actions. Your husband!a action do not match his words. Remember everything his done to you. Does that show you love??

    Actions speak louder then words. We women always fall for sweet words, which is our biggest downfall. And men know it and use it for their advantage. When I remember my nightmare marriage now i think "how could I be so stupid and give him so many chances? Why didn't I see through his lies? I did I take his abuse for so long?"

    I had an arranged marriage. Everyone confirmed the guy to be a pius muslim. But after marriage his true colours came out. He was commiting sins behind closed doors! So how can anyone find out his true character! But I don't regret my decision one bit! I have kids too.

    So put these false emotions aside and be free of this monster! Pray loads to Allah to give you strenth and peace.

    May Allah help you and your kids. All my love and prayers xx

  8. Sorry to say sister but you are taking a wrong decision.

    Take divorce immediately.

    Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Has sent you here to post that. Do you want your kids to be just like as your father. I mean violent. What they are seeing is basically imprinted on their sensitive minds right now.

    Take decision now.

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  9. Assalam 3aleykoum W.r W.b,

    One day Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) noticed a Bedouin leaving his camel without tying it and he asked the Bedouin, “Why don’t you tie down your camel?” The Bedouin answered, “I put my trust in Allah.” The Prophet then said, “Tie your camel first, then put your trust in Allah” (At-Tirmidhi).

    Allah SWT has blessed you with two children. And yes Allah SWT is the best of knower and grantor of all duas. But dont just sit still waiting for something better to knock on your door and remove your hardship. Remove yourself from this dangerous environment first and InshaAllah work yourway toward healing and pray to Allah SWT to easen your burden. Do something sister, dont just sit still and get hurt and abused.

    (Verily it is not the eyes that grow blind, but it is the hearts which are in the breasts that grow blind.) (Qur'an 22: 46)

    May Allah SWT ease your burden and may Allah SWT lift the blinds off your eyes and heart to the truth of what is infornt of you. You described a scenario that left me covering my mouth trying to stiffle my shock . How could a sane loving husband do this to his wife and kids? And could you truly say that you love him?

    According to Islam, love has to be enlightened. A sacred love is the love which is realistic and insightful. It has been a common theme in moral advises that one should not let one's love for something or some person make him negligent of the whole truth. The reason for this emphasise is that love naturally tends to make the lover "blind and deaf'. If you love some one it is very unlikely to have an impartial view of it, unless the love is directed by the reason.

    Dont a love a human blindly because they will let you down but love Allah SWT blindly and with all your heart because HE will never let you down.

    May Allah SWT easen your pain. Ameen

    Sister Zahriya

  10. Dear Sister, I believe you need to go to your masjid and seek the advice of the Imam. Because you are in danger of your husband hurting you, He may direct you to seek a preliminary restraining order from the secular court (If you're not in an Islamic country). Perhaps The Imam could work with your husband and advise him of his transgressions and help steer him in the direction of tawbah. Have you both sought this kind of help yet? Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala is The Turner of Hearts. This may be very helpful if your husband is willing to understand and turn back to Allah. It is my understanding that a member from each side of your families should help in seeking a solution to your marital problems (along with the imam's Islamic council) before the marriage is dissolved. Then if the marriage is over, you should seek council from an Islamic Judge so that he can be an arbitrator regarding the rights of you and your husband especially regarding the children. You don't want to go beyond the limits of Sharia by removing the children from their father indefinitely as some may suggest. May Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala keep you and your children safe from harm and may He The Almighty guide your husband to the straight path, and turn his heart towards the deen. Ameen.

  11. Sister,

    You said it yourself..."What if he tries to throw out our kids next time?" Go to your mothers and file a restraining order, it's sounds like you are going to need one. God willing you can stay strong for yourself and those wonderful children of yours.

    Salam

  12. Call the police, get a restraining order, move out...the man is crazy!

  13. Salam Sister,
    In my own opinion i think.
    something will actually be wrong with u if u did not leave this guy. How are u still loving him when he still cheats on u and hits u, he does not love u. Leave this guy and move on, there is a lot of good men out here.

  14. Dear sister,

    a husband should protect you from harm and danger, not be the one to put you or your children in harms way. if you cannot trust this man to even hold your children in your presence, how could you trust him with thier life if you were not around. you say you still love him, and i do not want to judge but what is it you love about a man who beats you and has no respect and love for you and your children. he is not god fearing man for if he was he would not treat you this way. the longer you stay with him,, it will be mental torture to you and as yoru children as they grow up. pray to allah to guide you, get suppport from family members to make them aware of your situation and leave this man, he is not worth your love. he has cheated on you with no remorse. he had promised to change and he has not and it seems he will not change depsite his words do you really want to stay in this kind of relationship?

  15. Salaam sis,

    How are you? I just want to follow up with you. Hope your life and your husband is better now. Although it has been a while, the issue your husband has, really has nothing to do with you. Does he have a relationship with his dad, how did he grow up as a man? Hope he finds the help he needs by now.
    Good luck.
    Wasalaam.

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