Marrying a Convert: Not Approved by Parents
Asalam walikoum,
I am going through a major dilemma and would like some Islamic guidance. I would like to get engaged and married to a Muslim convert who I have known from work. He was an ex-Christian but Alhamdoullah Allah has guided him to the right path. He is a practicing Muslim and has the character and dedication every woman would love. He is working with a set job, financially set, and is willing to do anything to make my parents and myself happy. He spoke to my father, and at first my dad was not against it. However as soon as my mother knew she said since he is not of our culture, and is not born a Muslim this marriage is wrong and she will NEVER accept it. Her only excuses were he is from a different culture, does not speak the same language as her and he will love me just to take me away from them. Which is completly untrue and I believe she is overreacting. In the religion, is it not Haram to refuse a potential suitor purely based on culture? Shouldnt I go for someone who I believe will make me happy and bring me closer to my deen ? And who I am able to form a family with ? He is willing to even let my parents live with us so they do not feel alone. I truly do not know what else to do. The local Imam had told my parents that it is my decision and they should support their daughter no matter what however she is now telling me that she wont listen to him because the Imam is ON HIS SIDE. I know it is irrational, and I have prayed Salat al Istikhara . Would I be disobeying my parents If i go through with this marriage? Any suggestions on how I can persuade her? Sometimes I think maybe after I get married she will get used to the idea and will come around? Please help me, give me religious advice. Any Quranic verses or Hadeeths I can use to help my parents see that what they are doing is wrong?
Thank you.
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Salaams,
I want to apologize up front, because I am not aware of any hadith specifically that speak to the issue of parents refusing a proposal for bogus reasons. I am hoping that some other readers may be aware of some and share them here for the edification of us all insha'Allah.
You are talking a lot about your mother, but in the beginning you said, "at first my dad was not against it". Has he since changed his mind and sees things as your mother does? I agree with you that she is being unreasonable and using baseless reasons to prevent you and this young man from finding happiness. My salute to him for being willing to go through any hoop to please your parents and win your hand.
Truth stands on it's own. Have you thought about going to a different imam and getting his view? I imagine that most educated leaders are going to come to the same conclusion the first one did. Your mother can't possible believe that they are ALL in cahoots with the young man, can she? I think that your best bet is to continue to try to talk with both of your parents, and keep asking for opportunities for them to spend time with this young man so that he can let them get to know who he really is. If your dad seems more softer on the idea, talk to him alone as much as you can until you feel he is back on your side. Then perhaps he can help you work on your mother.
Some people are going to tell you it's ok to go ahead and marry this man because your parents are not giving valid reasons to prevent it. While this is technically true, there is a lot of baggage that comes with such a decision. If you think you are up to the fallout that will come as a result of you doing something without their blessing, then perhaps that is the best choice for both of you. More often than not, though, it's better to try to work out something that pleases your parents as well; even if it takes a little more time.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, your father is your wali/gaurdian who is responsible for your affairs, not your mother, this is not her role.
So if your father agreed, what your mother says after that is fruitless.