Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need help – intimacy problem in my marriage

Wife Denies Sex

Wife Denies Sex - It's no laughing matter.

Salam ouh 3alaykoum,

I want to keep it brief and to the point as so there is no confusion.

I've been married for 7 years El hamdulillah I have 2 children El hamdulillah I have a loving wife El hamdulillah,

But here is the problem since the beginning of my marriage my wife has been very cold to helping my sexual desires for the first two years I tolerated it because I thought it was just a phase but now I have a BIG problem after many many talks with her of me opening up and saying how I feel when she denies me and what the shaytan whispers to me when I'm weak because of it she still doesn't understand! I don't want to commit Zina I shouldn't have to masterbate and it doesn't phase her it's as if that's it just because she's not into sex like I am that it's ok for her to deny me and I should just deal with it, I beg and plead to Allah for answers and I'm sure there is a reason for this that I haven't seen yet but insha'allah I will,

I guess this is my way of reaching out for proper guidance on the situation, I'm scared to divorce her because I feel as though that is the weak way of resolving it and I also don't want my 2 children to be raised in a broken family, I love my wife dearly and that's also the reason why I'm so sexually driven to her, my friends say it's my fault because I'm "too horny all the time" but it doesn't matter because in islam this is the reason why we marry so we don't commit shameful sinful unlawful acts with those we are not legally allowed to.

So please help what do I do? I know divorce isn't haram but it's also one thing the shaytan loves to see happen and I'm smarter than that then to just give up without resolution.


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6 Responses »

  1. Just get another wife why divorce her ? U don't seem to have problems with her and she has two children with you. Just get another wife to make that part of your sex life better but no need for divorce. Also to add talk with her if she can't fulfill that part of for life than you will get another wife.

  2. In fact this is the tale of most of the Muslim men. Infact we/our society have misconstrued our religion and it appears that second marriage is something very difficult or problematic. Either you have to go for the second marriage or stay as it is as you are and cry as nobody except you can help yourself .

    • This is the situation with me but I am the wife! He has grown up in a closed, sexually repressed culture. I am Latin, love hugging and kissing, and the more intimacy the better. We're in 6 months now, and I am starting to feel intolerant. I can understand what many men go through. This is not right or healthy. It is also not Islamic.

  3. Why does your wife feel like that? Do you know. Does she feel old, or unattrative. Does she maintain herself, and I don't mean makeup.

    If your children are young she may just be exhausted mentally or physically.

    What kind of relationship do you have otherwise. Are you guys close? Do you talk about things and make decisions together?

    When was the last time you told her you loved her and that she looks pretty?

    I know that is a lot of questions, but there are many things that can lead to lack of intimacy, and it starts with lack of closeness outside the bedroom.

    Social intimacy is a good place to start to get closer to your wife. There are many family websites that give advice on increasing intimacy between spouses. After all you want your wife to want you, not just to 'do her duty'.

    I hope things work out for you.

  4. Well communicate with her, explain your frustration and discuss alternatives (including second marriage) you have. Ask her if need counseling or therapy to get her going. If got a cold turkey and nothing working to resolve the issue... then as other suggested... find a second one.

  5. He has quite clearly stated they had discussed the matter but she is not interested.

    So it leads you to the question, would she be ok with you getting married to another woman? I have a feeling like most women, she will not be very comfortable with you marrying again, in fact she'll be very angry at you for mentioning it. But maybe with the threat of it possibly happening she could change her tune.

    As for people saying you're horny all the time, they'll often be ones who who have sex more often than anyone else.

    Just so people are aware, the number 1 reason for divorce is lack of sex in the west. That is how important it is. It is halal and in fact a reward to have sex with your spouse. So why would people not engage in this halal act regularly?

    I hope you are able to resolve this with your wife, but if doesn't work out, then believe me, the best option is to marry another woman, if you're in a Muslim country you will not be breaking any laws. If you're in a non-muslim country where the laws are strict, then you may have to re-consider whether your marriage with her can work without sex or not.

    Most couples after 7 years do have a slight dip in their sex life from their newlywed days. However they say couples are still having sex twice a week or more right up until their 50s. So unless you want to have sex 3 times a day, no-one can class you as horny.

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