Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Reintegrating a homosexual into Islam

Homosexuality in Islam

Homosexuality is Haraam in Islam

Assalamualaikum,

This is a post about my struggle with homosexuality, my misunderstanding of Islam, my fear of the Jammat, tawbah and suicidal thoughts/depression. It's long but whoever reads it and even writes me one word of encouragement will lift my heart a mile up from the black hole it has sunken into... Please help me. I promise you that I have included nothing repulsive or explicit or anything that even hints at the nature of my activities.

I want to say first of all that I have never been able to openly discuss my problem with a Muslim before, except for my younger brother and not really in depth anyway. But I have made the mistake of "boasting" about it to many non-believing people. So please hear me out and please offer me advice because the advice of my 'friends' is to 'be who I am'. I want to see what your, Muslim brothers and sisters, advice will be.

It is currently a Saturday night and I cannot think about my exam this upcoming Tuesday or anything but my desire to engage in unlawful, illicit acts - homosexual acts. My story is simple. When I was 13, I was not praying but I had pious parents who sent me to Sunday school and cultivated in me a fascination with the Quran, the stories of the Prophet (PBUH) and Islam in general. However I also had friends who, on Saturdays and Fridays would come over and try to view pornographic things (it was the cool thing to do and I thought I could get away with it). I remember feeling frustrated that images of women really didn't interest me at all (down there). I also noticed that people sensed feminine qualities in me - most especially my siblings and family friends who lived with us temporarily. A childhood video of me walking around in my mother's high heels and being laughed at sat in our VHS collection. Telemarketers would call and before I hit puberty would answer me with a "ma'am". All of these things, with the help of the Devil, led me to the most poisonous thought that ever occurred to me: "perhaps I am gay."

It began with pornographic images, followed by masturbation, at the height of which I was masturbating to these unlawful images daily. Then I went to college and began to engage in these acts all under the impression that the lifestyle would never be for me and that I could correct it. Worse, under the impression that I wasn't being watched by Allah. This was the case for years: depressed at my weakness, easily tempted into sin and a lifestyle which caused me undue embarrassment but that I believed I could correct so long as I hid it.

Last summer, I was starting to become overwhelmed by it all. Years and years of this sin had altered me. I understand why it is said that the hadd punishment for either of the two who engage in this act is death - it is highly corrupting. I took this a step further and believed in my heart that my level of corruption was visible to people, especially to my Muslim brothers. I would hear non-believers say, "Look at him, he's gay." Girls and boys alike proclaiming this out loud - ("he's so gay", "he must be gay", "just look at how he walks", etc), which crushed me. However whenever I noticed similar looks, remarks in Arabic or Farsi or Hindi that I couldn't understand from Muslim brothers, I absolutely couldn't bear it. Even my Arab male cousin and his brother used to call me gay, bully me for it, etc.

One night, I went into my garage, tied a noose around the garage opener and stood on the edge of a chair, with the noose tightly around my neck. The only images that were playing in my mind were of the looks on those two cousin's faces, May Allah Bless them, they probably were not even talking about me because I do not understand their colloquial Arabic. But one thing is for sure, I was definitely corrupted and i definitely SEARCHED for any sign of disapproval from any Muslim man that I encountered. This was a bad day though. The word Allah sprang into my head after these thoughts started to subside and then I stepped down from the chair, after 15 or so agonizing minutes.

Suicidal thoughts kept coming and going over the next few months and Shaitaan wanted more from me. The whole issue of "coming out" in America is never like it was before. It is highly encouraged, highly vetted - the number of websites, support groups, the way they can easily cause giants - politicians, businesspeople, anyone really to fall because of an even slightly opposing view is really alarming. One day, when I was going through my routine suicidal thought process (mind you, this year I skipped Ramadan, did nothing for Eid - authubillah), the thought came to me: this is how you are, this is how you should be, COME OUT! And I did, I called some friends, went out to drink, partied and underwent a highly poisonous phase of wanting to tell all of my friends (I broke the news to a lot of people who i thought were friends). So now I really was waist deep in the mess and believed I was having the time of my life.

My friends were nicer to me, I felt more like "myself" (in hindsight I was faking a lot of it, especially the mannerisms. In reality, the euphoria probably belonged to my nafs, who became like a king over me). Months and months of sin, no remembrance of Allah, no dhikr - unless of course it was believing that I was living a life that I was destined for. That a gay lifestyle was either a load from Allah that I could not bear, or just something to come to terms with so long as I resumed prayers (which I never did because deep down, the saying is VERY true - a believer is never a believer when he sins. I knew that what I was doing was wrong). I had relationships, etc and really tried to normalize the sin. He led me to tell my younger brother (who "supported" me and didn't tell anyone else).  Shaitaan wanted me to think about nothing but my lifestyle, to make it normal for me. Drinking became normal, smoking became normal, ignoring my duties to Allah as an of age, Muslim man became normal.

I believe with all of my heart that my story speaks to the issues facing a lot of Brothers, please keep reading.

One morning, I woke up  startled with the thought that lightning was going to strike me and that it was only 1 foot away from my face. I panicked, twisted and turned only to realize that I was still alive. I repented for the sixth or seventh time from this sin but also repented from other sins as well that day. However I fell back into sin a week later. I joined my friends and broke my promise to not drink. I became very sick for the next week and found out that I had an STD. Antibiotics took care of it Alhamdulillah, and another repentance later it was just in time for Ramadan, and for the first time in my life, I fasted every single day, prayed every single prayer including most standard naafil acts of worship. I deleted my music collection of 3500+ songs. Some songs that could literally pull my entire body in certain directions. I can't describe the effect some of my songs had on me but deleting them wasn't tough - avoiding the urge to search for songs on youtube and listening to them was. However I avoided all music during Ramadan, Alhamdulillah. I performed a late night prayer one of the nights of the first week of Ramadan, and Alhamdulillah I felt something different. I think it was my first sincere Tawbah. Only Allah knows. I knew something was different - months after Ramadan ended I tried smoking again for the first time but it was as if I had never smoked.

Other things changed which I will not list here but indicated to me that I was pure. I had not consumed one drop of alcohol and lowered my gaze, etc. HOWEVER I did not attend tarawih prayers and did not go to the masjid. The night of my sincere tawbah, I begged Allah to be inside a masjid on the night of Qadr but when final stretch of Ramadan came I couldn't bring myself to go pray there. Why? I am afraid of the Jamaat and Muslim men in general. I felt that Allah subhana wa ta'ala had cured me of my sins but I do not think that Muslim men can see me and not think that I am gay and repulsive.

I hate the feelings I get when I go to the Masjid - the euphoria of praying to my Creator in His House, hearing His Message recited while at the same time feeling like an absolutely disgusting monster amongst pious men. I honestly regret all of those times when I was still 13 and 12 and even before really paying attention to how Muslim men perceived me - I had no desire to go to the masjid but could go and pray and leave refreshed. Now, I avoid Jummah prayer and any jamaah prayer because I am afraid to sit next to a Muslim man and have him think that I am gay.

I fell back into the sin by committing these acts several days ago for the span of two days and have tried repenting. The buildup was most definitely caused by me starting to delay my prayers, choosing to listen to music stations on the radio instead of news stations, and by my bad luck at finding a job. I repented sincerely at the end of last week, 6 days ago. I do think that right now I will not fall back into the sin anytime soon but I am writing this post to take my mind off of my desire to sin again.  I remember, right before feeling the urge to repent, I felt something rising in my throat to the point where I almost felt unconscious. Only Allah knows what it was but it definitely set off every alarm in me. I put this under the same category as the STD diagnosis and the lightning strike as warnings from my Creator. So I repented.

My brothers and sisters, please understand that there are members of the Ummah who struggle with this for all of their lives. I sinned for many years, repented for a wonderful 4 months of dedicated worship and fell back into the sin again (among other sins as well). Please do not judge me or any one you believe to look or act a certain way. I am writing this to you for your advice.

Please, on this worldwide web where there are more voices telling me to "come back out" than there are to make tawbah, tell me how you believe I can repent from my sins truly and sincerely (since the thoughts still keep approaching me), how I can overcome my fear of going to the masjid so that I can pray amongst men rather than hiding in my room from what I believe to be the judgement of my brothers, how I can turn what is a small but growing love of Allah into a permanent protection from displeasing him. How can I fight the Shaitaan who wanted me, tonight, to leave behind my repentance to Allah and join the city of sinners on this sinful night? How do I deal with my friends that I revealed my homosexuality to - all of whom are Christian - all of whom are my absolute closest friends (for millions of reasons not having to do with my coming out)?

I changed my number to distance myself from them and from how they reminded me of my sinful lifestyle but am tempted to tell them my number when they ask me for it on-line or through social networks. Would you advise me to just cut them all off? I have thought about it but have always failed to carry it out. Plus my issue with Muslim men makes me fear associating with them, even though I am in desperate need of pious friends. Any advice would be helpful. Once again, you have the opportunity to really help someone out in distress. Please do. I will make du'ah for all of you and for the people who made this site, Inshallah.

Wa salaam,

Depressed.


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27 Responses »

  1. Hope you are ok...

  2. I think u practice too much to get out from this sin. Dont shy to sit in public for the reason u be called as gay, if u done a true tawbah then ALLAH TALA will forgive u.ALLAH is ghaforurraheem

  3. Asa brother
    im no Alaim nor a doctor but as a muslim sister this topic bothers me and i only comment in hope that it will help u in some way. Plz read me brother.
    in the replies above i read a lot of ppl argue over if these feelings in u r by Allah or by your own self. I do agree that gays or homosexuals cannot b put into one box and judged alike. Some ppl r born with physical abnormalities while some develop certain psychological complications due to various factors. Homosexuality did exist and will continue to but since there is no certain cure or ways to address the complication most ppl have accepted it and even support it.
    my dear brother. We all come in different shapes and forms and qualities which r admirable or repulsive. The reason y it is condemned and considered shameful in islam is because of the unnatural and disgusting act homosexuals indulge in. When Allah created the world he also made his rules. He created man for woman and woman for man and segregated their duties towards each other for a healthy society. Satan on the other hand wants to disturb this order so there wud b absolute confusion and chaos.
    This does not mean that u r satan's servant or these feelings have been created by u. Good brother, Allah knows best how they got into u. It is for nothing but to test u. Some ppl have an urge to commit zina all the time and they fight it for the sake of Allah. Some ppl get angry very quickly but they stay patient fo Allah. Some ppl suffer from kleptomania, they have to fight very hard to keep their hands from stealing. Some ppl r stuck in a sexless relationships and fight the desire to stray which is easy. These r all different kinds of tests. All we have to prove to Allah is how much we love him or what we can do to stay steadfast. Brother jannah is not cheap and when the only other thing is jahannum, what choice to we have as believers than to fight these evil wisperings that r trying their best to keep is from our ultimate goal? Our beloved prophet said that the biggest jehad is one that we fight against our own nafs. Brother this is your jihad. U r not alone brother every1 has 1 tough jihad to fight. Allah doesnt hate gays. He loves them he only hates the act.of homosexuality. Try to remain chaste brother if u just cannot like a woman at all. Allah will surely love u for ur struggle and reward u with the best in jannah. We will b there without our imperfections, in our best,with the best.
    All the best
    Salam.

  4. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    7. Don't claim to be pure. Whoever avoids the immoralities and great sins will enter Jannah inshaa Allah. Know that a person who avoids these is not necessarily someone who never committed them. Repent from them and start avoiding them and you fit in the category Inshaa Allah.

    There are specific duas from the Prophet sallallahualayhiwasalam to become purified.

    http://www.tayyibaat.com/2009/12/12/duaa-series-purification-of-the-soul/

    8. If you die with La ilaha illallah you will enter Paradise. Brother there is a difference between a person who sins, repents to Allah, sins, repents to Allah again and again feeling the regret from someone who sins, doesn't care, and dies with La ilaha illallah.

    The later will eventually get out of Jahannam inshaa Allah. However the former will inhaa Allah be forgiven by Allah when he meets Him.

    Remember that Allah will forgive those who did not do shirk with him to such an extent that the Mushrikeen will say (we were not mushrikeen.)

    However, The Prophet further says, "What is between a person and committing shirk (associating partners with Allaah) and kufr (disbelief) is abandoning the prayer." (Sahih Muslim, #82)

    NEVER give up on the mercy of Allah so you stop praying.. This is more dangerous and destructive than committing these immoralities.

    http://quran.com/39/53-59

    This exhortation is prescribed even if the dying person is a kaafir, because if he says it before the soul is taken, saying it will benefit him, even if he is punished for his sins. It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Exhort your dying ones to say Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah, for if a person’s last words are Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah at the time of death, he will enter Paradise at some point, no matter what befalls him before that.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5150.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was present when his uncle Abu Taalib was dying, and he said to him: “O uncle, say Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah, a word for which I will testify for you before Allaah.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3884; Muslim, 24.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person’s last words in this world are Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah, he will enter Paradise.”

    You are forgetting that while you do need to regret, and inshaa Allah this regret will cause you to permanently give up the sin, you cannot give up on the mercy of Allah no matter what you do.

    That's just not allowed.

  5. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    1. "How can I fight the Shaitaan who wanted me, tonight, to leave behind my repentance to Allah and join the city of sinners on this sinful night?"
    Recite the last two Surah's(Al-Falaq and An-Nas) as they are the best things to take refuge in Allah. Recite in when you wake up and before going to bed. This is what Uqbah RA was commanded to do. It's best for you to do it brother.
    http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=836&Itemid=169

    Also, whenever a thought assaults you, say Aouthubilahi minashaytanirajeem.

    Remember, only Allah can guide. You need to seek help from Him. Remember the story of Yusuf alayhisalam? He sought refuge in Allah! Learn more about him here.

    2. Your brothers have no right to insult you. You can take their good deeds on Yawm ad Din or pardon them for Allah's sake and get more with Allah. You have no right to avoid Jumah. The Prophet (SAW) said, “People should definitely stop neglecting Jumu’ah, or else Allaah will most certainly seal their hearts and they will most certainly be among the ghaafileen.”

    3. Whatever you do, don't skip salah. The door for tawbah is always there. Skipping salah is worse than those filthy deeds that some engage in. No matter how many times you sin, ask forgiveness. Allah is there for you. Allah forgives ALL sins and only HE can forgive.\

    No matter how many times you sin, you cannot stop asking for forgiveness. Go through the struggle against yourself and your urges and when you fail that struggle, repent to Allah and pick up the struggle again!

    Between you and kufr and shirk is giving up Salah. DON'T give up Salah. GIVING UP SALAH IS WORSE FOR YOU THAN THESE SINS. You need to die in a state of Iman.

    Recorded by Ahmad, Rasulullah (SAW) said,
    (By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, if you were to commit sin until your sins filled the space between heaven and earth, then you were to ask Allah for forgiveness, He would forgive you. By the One in Whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad, if you did not commit sin, Allah would bring other people who would commit sins and then ask Allah for forgiveness so that He could forgive them.)''

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdX99w2I3U8

    4. That fact that you feel sadness is a GOOD SIGN. Alhamdulilah who guided you to feeling sadness. If Allah wiled, you would be left on your own and not feel sadness at all. You should be grateful to Allah for guiding you to Tawbah. Have you check out the article on Tawbah on this very site?

    Anas(ra) said: Allah's Messenger(saw) said: "Allah is more pleased with the repentance of his slave than anyone of you is pleased with finding his camel which he had lost in the desert." [Bukhari]

    The Prophet(saw) said: "Regret is repentance." [Tabarani]

    "Remorse is Repentance." [Ibn Majah & Ahmad]

    If you have repented from a sin, it's like you have no sin. Allah is At-Tawwab, Ar Raheem.
    The Prophet(saw) said: "The one who repents from sin is like the one who never sinned." [Ibn Majah]

    5. "Would you advise me to just cut them all off? I have thought about it but have always failed to carry it out. "

    Yes, I would advise just that. Cut them of. All of them. If you give this up for Allah, you will find better with Him.

    6. "I am in desperate need of pious friends"
    Ok, I'm your friend. If I had I Facebook, and Inshaa Allah I will get one soon, I would friend you.

    You will have your sins wiped out, you will become pure and you will be near Allah inshaa Allah.

  6. i have read and reread all of your responses and i am truly at a loss for words. jazakhallah khairan to each and every one of you and i know that i must find a way to leave my friends, my clothes, my lifestyle behind if i truly want to draw nearer to my Lord. I will definitely keep an eye out for job opportunities in Islamic countries or even other US/European cities. Inshallah, I can fight this. All of you have given me hope.

    to "Friend", your post brought me to tears. i remember making du'ah once, that Allah would lift the spirits and fill the hearts of people like your brother and me who struggle with this sin. I hope that you find comfort in all that you've done for your siblings and that those of us who struggle with this sin see a light a the end of the tunnel. thank you for sharing your story and those links. i'll admit, i've known about narth and other conversion therapies since i was 13 (when i avidly scoured the internet for a gay cure pill or the cheapest shock treatment available in my city). it would never hurt to take another look, especially since nowadays our view of them is shaped by pro-gay organizations/pro-gay lobby anyway. please keep me in your prayers and once i get back on track with mine, i'll definitely make du'ah for you.

    "Sara", your advice stands out. Islam encourages me to get married, as that will allow me to channel my youth and energy into a healthy, permissible relationship instead of through sin. However I agree with you, that I am in no position to ask for any woman to invest in a lifelong relationship with me until i find a permanent solution to this problem. like other posters said, celibacy is not going to be too much of a problem until then or until my end.

    Muhammad Waseem, Wael, Haroon, Arim: you all are giving me critical, practical advice, that I can start to implement at this very moment. Inshallah I will. A seal has been placed on my heart because of my sins, my avoiding Jumuah, etc., however your advice should help me to overcome negative influences.

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      1. Do two rakat of salat to ask Allah for help. Istaeen billah means that you started something and you needed help to finish it, so you turn to Allah. That's literally the meaning as Nouman Ali Khan, a teacher of the Quran explains. Ask for his forgiveness and that He helps you get rid of this disease.

      2. Every salat you say, iyyakana'budu wa iyyakanastaeen. Remember, you can't be saying Al-Fatiha with a heedless heart. Ask Allah to remove whatever seal there is on your heart. Sincerely pray in every salat to get rid of this.

      3. Cut of all your Christian friends. Cut all of them of. Delete your Facebook. You will be left friendless(in the physical sense only- I have befriended you brother since I feel it is necessary. I am only human and limited by Allah, however you have a Muslim whose heart has been guided by Allah to be your friend.)

      3. Trash all the filthy stuff you have. Every single filthy thing, Keep mentioned the name of Allah and remember to regularly recite the last to Surah's. Allah is with you when you are making mention of Him/remembering Him(the word dhikr has both meaning.)

      4. Establish(aqimis salat) Salah. Establishing salat is different from just praying. It means you actually go out of your way to perfect your salat, make sure you regularly do it and put it in front of everything . Salat will eventually inhibit you from doing these sins inshaa Allah.
      http://quran.com/29/45

      5. And remembrance of Allah is greater. After you have established salat, you'll find that Dhikr of Allah, making mention and remembering Him prevents you from these thoughts of sin. Yes, you will probably have those thoughts and the only relief is the occasional wet dream which Allah has decreed to be an experience humans go through. However, distract yourself with dhikr of Allah.

      Mu‘ādh ibn Jabal(RA) related that the Messenger of Allah(SAW) took him by the hand and said, “O Mu‘ādh, by Allah, indeed I surely love you. By Allah, indeed, I surely love you.” Then he said, “I advise you, O Mu‘ādh: do not leave off saying at the end of every ṣalāh, ‘O Allah, help me [to engage in] remembrance of You, thankfulness towards You, and beautiful worship of You.’”

      Allahuma aiini ala dhikrika wa shukrika wa husni ibaadatik

      6. Don't ever get impatient in dua.

      Narrated Abu Hurairah (Radhi Allahu Anhu) Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu 'Alayhi wa Sallam) said: “Supplicate Allah with confidence He will answer you and know that Allah will not accept the supplication from an absent heart.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi).

      was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (R.A) that the Messenger of Allah (P.B.U.H) said: “(The Dua) of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not hasty in seeking a response and does not say, ‘I prayed but I have not had a response.’” [Narrated by al-Bukhari, 5981; Muslim, 2735]

      7. Since there are hadith which are pretty frank about sexual matters I will be frank.

      I think you need to get a loving, caring, understanding wife. If you masturbated on a pillow you would eventually get an orgasm wouldn't you? It may take time getting used to a women but in any case, you are not so far gone that you can't physically have sex with a women. Even if the body does not arouse, simple touching for a few minutes is enough.

      http://quran.com/11/78

      http://quran.com/15/71

      Ask Allah for a wife.
      It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There are three whom Allaah is bound to help: the mujaahid who strives (in jihad) for the sake of Allaah, the mukaatib (a slave who has made a contract of manumission with his master) who wants to pay off his manumission, and a man who gets married, seeking to remain chaste.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1655), classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

      Allah does not place a burden on you that you can't bear. Try to give up the sin. NEVER give up salat and repenting after the sin. Even the brothers of Yusuf(Alayhimsalam) said "there will be time to be righteous later." They sinned expecting to be righteous later.

      No matter how many times you fall into the sin, keep repenting. No matter how much you sin, and feel like you are going to sin again. Keep begging Allah's forgiveness.

      And no matter how ashamed you are, do not, under any circumstances, give up salat. Don't despair of Allah's mercy.

  7. Salam brother
    Your muslims brothers and sisters gave you some valuable advice and I hope mine will be useful
    1-Cut contact with friends who lead you to this sin and alcohol and music
    2-Perform your prayer on time, NEVER delay it. This is your communication with Allah(swt)
    3-Make Dua after prayer
    4-Go to the mosque when you are able to. Dont worry about what other men think. I personally cannot pin-point who is gay from who is straight. Almost everyone is focused on their prayer and they will not even know your name let alone know anything about your sins.
    5-Listen, read and memorise the Quran. Best time to do this is after fajr or morning prayer.
    6- Eat honey , it has many benefits for your health
    7- Know that Allah is the most merciful, so if you fall back on your sins make taubah quickly and dont listen to tricks of shaitan.

  8. Salam Brother,
    I was so touched by your story. Please do not let Shaitan ruin your battle. Stay steadfast in your repentance, I have experience the great feeling that comes from eschewing from sins and getting closer to the Creator. Living in the West can have a very negative impact on people. We believe everything is okay, "coming out" is praised but it is so double-standard. As brother Wael said, why don't they ask adulterers or drug dealers to come out? Stay away from your friends that may tempt you to go back to the sins. Our nafs get stronger with the bad influence of our entourage. Spend time on yourself and when you are bored or tempted to go out and do bad things, open your Coran and read it. It will relieve your heart. The hardest Jihad is the Jihad against our own nafs. Don't give up, you are on the right path. I will keep you in my prayers.
    As for the Mosque, why would you bother about what others think? If Allah (S.W) knows your intentions and what is inside your heart, the judgement of others should not affect you. I am sure there is always a number of Muslims who will accept to get to know you and see the wonderful person you are. Try, having pious friends is priceless and boast our journey on the right path.
    May Allah (S.W) forgive your sins and give you the strength to keep building back your connection. This life is so short and not worth jeopardizing our after-life.

  9. dear brother,
    asalamalikum,

    take this reply from a sister , whose brothers are struggling with the same issue as yours. one of them has never told me , i got to know from others. the other one has informed me himself and wants me to accept him the way he is. Allah knows , i love my brothers dearly ( they are like my kids to me). but i cant say to him that what he is practicing is wrong. my heart breaks when i think about them and this sin.

    it is hard, its only through brothers like you that i find hope that some day Allah will bring them back to the right path. i dont know why you have named yourself as depressed. look what hope you have given to this sister!.

    brother , we all struggle in some way or the other but i always find the battles with our nafs are much more harder and thus far more rewarding..... the best of all jehads...jehad bin nafs. inshallah we will be heavily rewarded both here and after for our struggles. lust ,temptation, and weakness of our nafs will always be there and that is why we constatnly need to keep fixing oursewlves with salah, fasts , sadqa etc.indeed it helps like you have also experienced and many others who do sincere tawbah. but remember man is weak by nature and Allah is oft forgiving by nature. you will get tired of sinning but He will not get tired of forgiving. i think you have experienced is so closely that it must have removed any doubts in your mind.feel remourseful of your sins but be proud of this fact that Allah chose you to bestow His favour upon you to bring you to right path. He does not do that to everyone......onlyt o the one who seek it.

    my brother was/is the same as you ...... this kind hearted loving man which everyone thought acts a bit 'girlie'.i know for sure during his 'boyhood ' age he struggled a lot with his image... being thin and lean not being very manly like, kind voice not like a roaring lion.... his interests were not strenous games like majority of the boys in the neibourhood. i remember majority of my cousins , friends and people around us use to tease him , like you have described. a cousin once said to me that I should have been born a man and my brother should have been born a girl..... it just hurt me so much when he said it... i cant imagine how much it would have hurt him.

    we studies in the same uni... a bunch of guys ganged up againts him and made him dance in a very typical girlie, gay style.. in front of others and then made him walk in front of girls in certain kind of walk..... it was only when they got to know that he is my brother they stopped... as they knew i was in their class and although iam normal simple girl but can replace their tonsils with their testicles.

    what ever my brother was going through ,he never said anything to me... just bore on himself. only Allah knows what else he must have had to go through. however i must saythat he did his best to improve his image ... he joined gym, became very handsomely muscular, mashallah did very well in studies. doing a very respectable job, looking after himself and tries to support others in their time of need.

    when i gotto know about him , i didnt know how to react! i never thought Allah will test our family this way. i did a lot of search both scientifically and spiritually.iam alhamdulillah a highly qualified professional and the best explanation i could agree with both religiously and intellectually was from NARTH ( i will post the links at the end) its worth the read and worth gettingin touch with them.

    brother not all our muslim fellows undertsand the struggles that other people go through..... not all of us have the wisdom to look through other peoples struggles.... we are all weak and thisis their weakness. forgive them like Allah forgives us. i know it hurts when people look down upon you or they look at you in a certain way. when you are hurt just stand in front of Allah and say

    ' all praise to Allah, the compassionate , the merciful, owner of the day of judgement , to you alone we worship and to you alone we beseech for help .o Allh guide us to the straight path....'( surah fatiha)

    say it with all its meaning ! Allah will suffice you and inshallah comfort you.

    i always used to think why Allah gives us struggles if He loves us. i sincerely believe that those who go through struggles , Allah opens their eyes and heart to see the struggles of others .... brother be that open eye and heart to others. dont seek approvel from human fellows..... they are as weak as you think you are ...... our approvel and reward lies with Allah.

    look at all your muslim fellows on this website , they all have their own struggles.... it is these struggles that is enabling them to seek struggles of others. your struggle will also become your strength to help others,this very website was created by someone who was going through his own struggles and see how his struggles is helping all of us..... imagine how much blessings he is getting from this. you dont know whose reading your post and getting impressed by your tawbah and returning to Allah.

    so brother use this struggle in a positive way. i struggle every day coming to terms to the fact that brother is gay but i can honestly say that i wouldnt have understood your struggle if i had not seen in so closely.

    my duas for you. may Allah make it easy for you. May you find comfort in the sajoods. may Allah grant you His company (He always does when no ones there). may you find yourself in company of those who show compassion to others and help each other stay on the right path. may Allah grant you Jannah in return of all the struggles you are going through.

    remember death is inevitable, it will only come to you when its decreed for you, so dont rush to it and gather Allah's displeasure ....He is your hope, you want to please Him before the time is up.

    lots of love

    your sis.
    ( May Allah show me a day when my brothers get a cure from this sin)

    • Sister "Friend" Jazak Allah for your beautiful reply.
      Your brothers are lucky to have a sister like yourself, sympathy and understanding you have shown toward this brother is amazing, indeed us brothers and sisters need to show mercy, compassion to all our brother and sisters who are suffering. We should be careful how we treat others as we may loose them or might loose Allah (swt) mercy on the day of Judgement.

      May Allah (swt) reward you for this in this world and hereafter. Amin.

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  10. Salaam.

    May Allah (swt) help you brother. This is a very difficult test.
    I agree with the above advice in general, take steps towards Islam, give up music and constantly ask Allah (swt) to help you.
    Are you attracted to women at all? If not, I advise you not to marry a woman if that is the case and to instead practice celibacy because it will cause problems. Celibacy is certainly not easy but it is possible.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. As-salamu alaykum brother,

    Your post was powerful and thought-provoking. I think you're absolutely right, the call to "come out" is rooted in corruption. It's a call to normalize sin. Why don't people call on prostitutes, drug users and adulterers to "come out"? Oh right, they do. There is a "dating" website for adulterers now. La hawla wa laa quwwata il-la billah.

    What's clear is that it is absolutely forbidden to engage in homosexual behavior. It is abhorrent in the eyes of Allah, and is unnatural. If the desires are a part of you, and there's no way to change them, then my advice is to remain celibate. That may be difficult but is certainly not impossible. Priests and monks do it, and many unmarried Muslims do it for years, or even for life if they do not find a marriage partner (true for women more so than men).

    Keep the unnatural desires under check by absolutely avoiding all pornography, which itself is haram. Cut off all your ties with homosexual friends and circles. Change your contact information and even move to a new address if necessary.

    As far as your fear of being "exposed" or ridiculed at the masjid, there are things you can do to appear more masculine. Grow a beard, wear a kufi and dress in traditionally masculine ways. If your voice is high then speak toward the lower register of your natural voice. Try to eliminate mannerisms that are typically thought of as gay, such as fluttering hands. I'm sure you're familiar with all the mannerisms and stereotypes.

    This is your jihad. Succeed, and I have no doubt that Allah will keep a special reward for you, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Assalamualikum brother.
    I think you have got enough guidance from post above .I advice you to change your location if possible move to an Islamic country or some place away where you don't see your so called friends ; at least change your room completely position of you bed or all round look of you room.Discard those clothes and destroy everything which remind you of (or associate any memory of ) your sin .your sub concious should know that you are changing and now you are a new person you are MOMIN. When you feel that Satan is slowly corrupting your thoughts immediately alter your physiology like if you are lying down just leave the bed and stand up or run.Remember idle brain is devils work shop never keep you brain idle keep remembering Allah any way you can.You should if possible consult a psychologist or a doctor who can help you.

  13. Dearest brother,
    I have read your post and firstly I would like to tell you I do not judge you.
    You have shown you are capable of staying away from these urges as you have done so before,
    My advice to you would be,
    seek help and guidance from Allah our creator, ask him for his help,
    Repent for your sins from your sole,
    Keep yourself away from social networking sites,
    Stay away from your so called friends, as they will never truly understand you, your faith, your culture,
    Make room for Allah in your life ubove anything in your life,
    Take small steps, walk into a mosque, you don't have to pray there straight away, Allah's house is open for all,
    When you feel confident pray there, remember when you feel alone, Allah is always with you, you are never alone,
    And last of all if you truly want forgiveness and want to stay away from this type of life go to hajj.

  14. Assalamualaikum brother,

    What you see happens with most Muslims, but with different sins. For you, it is that of homosexuality, drinking, smoking and whatever you face.

    The mechanism that Shaitaan works is that he first makes you delay a good deed, then makes you miss the optional deeds and then makes you give up the obligatory ones.
    This is with prayers and similar deeds. For the other matters like having a physical relation, the Shaitaan first makes a person see the other, then talk, then send a message/mail or whatever similar, then meet, then do the sin.

    The way we can handle this is by defeating Shaitaan in his early steps of leading us astray. You need to spend time in deen, rather than with evil friends and evil noises of music. Alhamdulillah, you did Tawbah because you know that you are committing a sin, and you know that there Is a Lord Who Forgives.

    This World is a temporary place of test. We come here in order to obey Allah and to Please Him. If we fail, we go to the Hell (May Allah Save us), if we succeed, we go to the Jannah (May Allah Grant us it). My brother, you really need to change and not remain who you are. This is not natural. You need to become a pious Muslim man, which is very much possible.

    As you said, it all started with the pornographic images, which led you to masturbation, which in turn led you to feel that you are more attracted towards men than woman. But brother, this is something you have developed and not something Allah has made you into. Allah does not burden a soul more than what it can deserve. Brother, you need to develop as a Muslim rather than think that you can not. I will give you some possible steps in sha Allah.

    1. First of all, break all contact with your old friends, all of them. Or just say hi/salam, thats it, nothing more.

    2. Delete your social networking profiles. Do not give your number to any of your old friends, whatever they seem to need it for.

    3. Grow a beard: This is what will make you confident about going to the Masjid, and is also considered wajib by majority of the Ulama. It will help you a lot, in sha Allah.

    4. If you think you walk differently, you can very well change it. Through gradual, it is possible. I say this, because I try to walk as our Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did, and believe it is possible. This is how he walked:

    The arches on his feet could hardly touch the ground. When he walked, he walked briskly (i.e. he walked with strength of purpose), lifting each foot clearly off the ground, not like those who walk with an air of ostentation, and he walked at ease when he was not in a hurry. When he walked, he leant forward as if descending a slope." [At-Tirmithi and Ahmad]

    5. Listen to duroos of Ulama, read books on Tawhid, Aqeedah, Sunnah, etc; This will help you stay upright and keep you from sin. If you understand Urdu, go to this website for duroos. If you don't understand Urdu, then listen I can suggest some books of Classical Scholars such as ibn Taymiyyah, ibn Qayyim, ibn Kathir, ibn Rajab, and others from our time such as ibn Uthaimeen, Muhammad bin Abdul Wahhaab, Umar Sulaiman al Ashqar, Nasiruddin al Albani, bin Baaz, Abdur Rahman as Sa'di: May Allah Have Mercy on them all. You can even read more books from the website: Islam House. You can also refer to Fatwa Online and Fatwa Islam. Also read the biography of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.

    This was about duroos and books.

    6. Listen to Quran by various Qurraa'. Shaikh Shaikh Naser Al-Qitami is my favorite.

    7. Give up music, totally. Listen to Nasheed by Ahmad Bukhatir, Shaikh Mishari Rahid al Afasy, Zain Bhikha, Abdullah Rolle and others who don't use musical instruments in their Nasheed, ONLY to help you give up music. Don't substitute this for Quran.

    8. When you have developed this habit, had a beard, walk upright, began attending the masjid for prayers, create a profile on a social network, with a limit to friends list to include ONLY those practicing deen. This will help you socialize with people who will help you.

    9. When you are ready, get married to a pious woman. Do not think you are not excited by women, It is false. You just think so, Shaitaan is telling you that. Don't listen to him. You are very much normal. This should probably be one of the first steps, as this is what Loot Alaihis Salam said to his people when they intended evil with his guests:

    "These (the girls of the nation) are my daughters (to marry lawfully), if you must act (so)." Surah al Hijr, 71

    10. The most important and the most effective step is that you move from your city/country to a place where people do not know you and you can build a totally new friend circle and make new contacts. In short, do everything anew. If you can, this is something I HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

    Brother, tell me if you need any more help after this and in sha Allah I'll be available for it.

    May Allah Help you and mind you, He Will, if you seek His Help

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. ASA brother. I will not do like a majority and try to make you feel guilty or bad bcos of your orientation or tell you the sharia judgment of it. That is not my place to condemn . As a fellow muslim i am compassionate and inshallah you will find happiness and comfort in this beautiful deen. I think one problem we have as an ummah is that we are so quick to judge condemn and be the jury and the judge. I have seen people in my profession be victims of childhood rape and abuse and for this reason become gay and i have seen gays that i truly believe were born that way due to certsin hormoneems being off balance. I have seen women born with characteristics of men. My father is a devout muslim as well and a neurologist and he as well believes many are born this way. Things happen in the womb. All people arent born healthy and normal. Its reality. We all have sexual natural feelings no matter the orientation and to ask you to ignore them your whole life is unrealustic. I just ask dont marry a woman as your feelings will never go away. I dont believe anyone born different that truly believes in ALLAH swt and his messenger and strugglies n identifies his weaknesses will be forsaken. ALLAH swt knows our troubles. We are not perfect

    • If you are referring to hermaphrodites, it is possible. Otherwise, Allah does not Create anyone gay/homosexual. I say this because Allah Is Just and does not Punish for something He Creates such. Homosexuality is a punishable act in the Sharee'ah, as the brother mentioned in his post.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Ok muhummad that is your opinion and i have mine. Hermaphrodites due to their chemistry and are in between and thus like same sex . You can agree or not that wont change anything or what o have seen. You arent the judge or jury. Only ALLAH swt is.

        • It is not my opinion, but Allah's Judgement that you are opposing.

          The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
          blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
          “Whoever you find doing the action of the
          people of Loot, execute the one who does it
          and the one to whom it is done.”. Classed as
          saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-
          Tirmidhi.

          Muhammad Waseem
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

            Waseem, we were all created on fitrah but you know the hadith of qadr I'm sure pretty well.....Allah fashioned ours nafs the way He willed.

            Some people are more prone to anger, others are more prone to sodomy.

            It's a test we must overcome.

            http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1166&Itemid=147

          • Wa Alaikum as Salam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,

            Brother Gibran, I would disagree with you that sodomy is from the fitrah. Allah and His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam never said so. Additionally, it is against the law of Allah. If it was fitrah, Allah would not punish for it.

            Allah fashioned our Nafs the way He Willed, but He did not incline it to what he announced punishment for. It is the shaitaan who worked hard to do so.

            A 'born Mushrik' if I must say so, is born a Muslim, which is the fitrah and Shirk or Kufr are not from the fitrah. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:

            Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said, “ No one is born except they are upon fitrah; then his parents turn him into a Jew or Christian or Magian; as animals produce their young with perfect limbs, do you see anything defective? ” Then Abu Huraira said: Recite the verse if you wish, “ So direct your face toward the religion, inclining to truth; the nature of Allah upon which He has created the people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah; that is the correct religion, but most of the people do not know.” (30:30) [Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Number 6423]

            Subhanallah, Allah does not punish for His Choice. It is our choice that puts us in that place. He does not oppress anyone but we oppress ourselves. It is a test from Allah, just like any other trial is, but it can not be a justification with the concept of fitrah. This is because of the following:

            It was narrated that `ishah said: ``The Messenger of Allâh said: `Ten things are connected to the Fitrah : trimming the mustache, letting the beard grow, using the tooth stick, rinsing out the nostrils with water, clipping the nails, washing the joints, plucking the armpit hairs, shaving the pubic hairs, washing the private parts with water’’ ( Sahih ) From: The Chapters Of Purification And Its Sunnah , The Fitrah (Natural Inclination Of Man) Hadith No:293

            Hence, sodomy is against human nature.

            Muhammad Waseem
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Assalamulaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

            Yes I 100% agree with you on the fitrah thing. That isn't what I meant. What I meant was this.

            Then Allah says,

            ﴿فَأَلْهَمَهَا فُجُورَهَا وَتَقْوَاهَا ﴾

            (Then He showed it its Fujur and its Taqwa.)
            meaning, He showed him to his transgression and his Taqwa. This means that He clarified that for it and He guided it to what has been ordained for him. Ibn `Abbas said,

            ﴿فَأَلْهَمَهَا فُجُورَهَا وَتَقْوَاهَا ﴾

            (Then He showed it its Fujur and its Taqwa.) "He explained the good and the evil to it (the soul).'' Mujahid, Qatadah, Ad-Dahhak and Ath-Thawri all said the same. Sa`id bin Jubayr said, "He gave him inspiration (to see what was) good and evil.'' Ibn Zayd said, "He made its Fujur and its Taqwa inside of it.'' Ibn Jarir recorded from Abul-Aswad Ad-Dili that he said, "`Imran bin Husayn said to me, `Do you think that what the people do, and what they strive for is a thing that is pre-ordained and predestined for them, or is it a thing which is only written after the Message comes to them from the Prophet , when there will be an evidence against them' I said, `Rather it is something preordained upon them.' Then he said, `Is that an injustice' Then I became extremely frightened of him (due to what he was saying), and I said to him, `There is nothing except that He (Allah) created it and possesses it in His Hand. He is not asked about what He does, while they (His creation) will be asked.' He (`Imran) then said, `May Allah guide you! I only asked you about that in order to inform you that a man from Muzaynah or Juhaynah tribe came to the Allah's Messenger and asked him: "O Messenger of Allah! Do you consider the actions of mankind and their struggles to be preordained for them and written for them from Qadr, or something written for them only after the Message came to them from their Prophet, when there will be an evidence against them'' He (the Prophet ) replied:

            «بَلْ شَيْءٌ قَدْ قُضِيَ عَلَيْهِم»

            (Rather it is something preordained for them.) So the man said, "Then what is the point of our actions'' The Prophet replied,

            «مَنْ كَانَ اللهُ خَلَقَهُ لإِحْدَى الْمَنْزِلَتَيْنِ يُهَيِّئُهُ لَهَا، وَتَصْدِيقُ ذَلِكَ فِي كِتَابِ اللهِ تَعَالَى:

            ﴿وَنَفْسٍ وَمَا سَوَّاهَا - فَأَلْهَمَهَا فُجُورَهَا وَتَقْوَاهَا ﴾»

            (Whoever Allah created for one of the two positions (Paradise or Hell), He makes it easy for him (to attain). The proof of that is in the Book of Allah (By Nafs, and Ma Sawwaha (Who apportioned it). Then He showed it its Fujur and its Taqwa).)'' Ahmad and Muslim both recorded this Hadith.

            It is as you said, a test for us, all the inclinations that we have.

    • No one is born homosexual. Homosexual is a moral disorder. Its a moral disease, a sin, corruption etc, just like no one is born a theif, a murder, a lier etc. People acquire these evil habits through various means. There are many reasons why it is forbidden in Islam. Homosexuality is dangerous for the health of the individuals and for the society. It is a main cause of one of the most harmful and fatal diseases. It is disgraceful for both men and women. It degrades a person. It is the most un-natural way of life. Homosexuality leads to the destruction of family life too. By saying that some people are born gay, you are mocking Allah astaghfirullah. Allah wouldn't let anyone to be gay from birth and then punish him/her for this sin and then forbids them paradise. Therefore your arguement/opinion is hypothetical and invalid. Unfortunately you are not alone with that false opinion. But from a religious point of view, all religions condemn homosexual. Thats a monstorous sin.

      ( Quran 26:165-166) "Of all the creatures in the world, will ye approach males, And leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your mates? Nay, ye are a people transgressing (all limits)!"

      (Quran 27:55) "Would ye really approach men in your lusts rather than women? Nay, ye are a people (grossly) ignorant!"

      (Qur'an 29:28-29) "And (remember) Lut: behold, he said to his people: "Ye do commit lewdness, such as no people in Creation (ever) committed before you. Do ye indeed approach men, and cut off the highway?- and practise wickedness (even) in your councils?" But his people gave no answer but this: they said: "Bring us the Wrath of God if thou tellest the truth."

      Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: The Prophet (saws) said: A man should not look at the private parts of another man, and a woman should not look at the private parts of another woman. A man should not lie with another man without wearing lower garmentunder one cover; and a woman should not belie with another woman without wearing lower garment under one cover. (Abu Dawood)

      "Kill the one that is doing it and also kill the one that it is being done to." (in reference to the active and passive partners in gay sexual intercourse) (Tirmidhi)

      (Bible Corithians 9) - Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders.

      (Bible, Gen. 19:24-28) - the Lord rained fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah as punishment for the sinof homosexuality. Homosexuality perverts God’s covenant with humanity.

      (Bible, Lev. 20:13) - God says that if a man lies with another man, he shall be put to death. Homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered, unhealthy, and mortally sinful.

      THE WORD OF GOD IS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH.

      To the OP, You are a brave person as you've realised what you are doing isn't normal. Others have given you awesome advices, follow them especially brother Wael's one. You need patience and hard work to overcome this insha'Allah. May Allah help you in your situation.

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