Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Stressful marriage lead me to commit sins, I want to repent and get rid of these habits

mercy forgiveness repentance tawbah

salams islamic brothers and sisters,

I am a lady who is full of sin and really stressed out and scared of Allah SWT. I am in a very straining and stressful marital relationship. i have been married for 20 years now and have 3  beautiful children mashallah. my marriage was traditional arranged marriage my husband is 6 years younger than me and he was in UK and I was in Pakistan. Our parents decided to get us married when he was 18 and i was 24. We are first cousins as well.

He was prior to the marriage involved with girls and drugs and all sorts of sins. cut the story short due to his drug abuse in first 3 years of marriage he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and over the time it got really worse since years he has not  been capable of fulfilling my physical or emotional desires.

i have worked hard for the sake of my children and family name so I don't bring any shame on family. however it has taken toll on my mental health and i am rapidly heading towards depression. one day i was really depressed and i just went on facebook and started talking to a man who was  15 years older than me. he just showed me love and affection which i was lacking in my life i ended up having on-line affair with him and he introduced  me to masturbation.

now i am addicted to him and masturbation but on the other side i am really scared and fearful  and want to get rid of these bad habits but don't know what to do please advise me and all brothers and sisters pray for me.

- Rosses

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13 Responses »

  1. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    By the numbers you've mentioned, it seems as though you are now 44 years old. Your husband is 38 years old and your ' extra marital affair' partner is 59 years old ?

    Firstly, your husband's past is disgusting. It is totally unislamic and justice will be served by Allah. 20 years now, he havn't changed it seems. Is he still doing drugs, girls etc ?

    Secondly, you remained patient, hardworking etc all these years and I envy you for that but now you are not sinless either and alhamdulilah that you are aware of it. Your sin in now like zina. You are involved in extra marital affairs which is forbidden in Islam whether online or offline. Therefore, you have to STOP this act right away. De-activate your fb account because you are in vulnerable state right now and you are missing love and affection in your life, that, if the shaytan lend his shoulder to cry on and advice you, you would take it. Fear Allah sister, his punishment is terrible. Repent for your sins sincerely. Never ever talk to non mahram male unless needed whilst married. Even though your married life is full of stress etc, it doesn't mean that you go the devil's path. Instead you should ask Allah's help, you should have divorced him long back after knowing about his behavior. But you waited too long.

    The question is, How much longer will you wait now?

    This is what you can do - Sit down with your husband, discuss everything with him about your feelings, needs etc calmly and with wisdom. Tell him to change his bad behaviors and to fear Allah. Basically tell him all your problems except the online stuff. If you need mediators/families then get them involved. About counselling, I dont know if its too late or not but somthings better than nothing. And then:

    1) If he improves and fulfils your demands, then be happy and praise Allah.

    2) If he doesn't improve a bit and remains a bad man and ignores you. You have two choices:

    a. Stay in this marriage. Have patience by being dutiful towards Allah. Ask him to have mercy on you and hope that things might improve and you'll be content. But you need to be strong and bear the sufferings, thus saving the marriage ( keeping in mind you've got kids ).

    b. Divorce him. Take your kids with you. And ask Allah for his help that you meet some other man who would take good care of you and your kids and is pious muslim. ( I hope its not too late for you and I hope you dont choose the online devil )

    If you choose point (a), for every sufferings and pain you'll face, Allah is rewarding you. It will all be counted on your deed book.
    If you choose point (b), you have valid grounds to divorce him and so you wont be sinning. As Prophet said: " If a women divorces her husband without valid reason, then she wont even smell the fragrance of paradise ". Dont worry.

    "And who despairs of the Mercy of his Lord except those who are astray?" ( Al Hijr )
    Therefore do not despair for Allahs mercy. Always be hopeful that He will ease your situation and get you out of your problems.

    If you feels its unbearable and you fear that you'll fall into big sins like adultery etc then it is recommended to divorce him to save yourself from fire.

    Masturbation has to be stopped too. Just read the Quran in english and read the description of hell fire and picture it in your mind. Next time, if you think of masturbating, re-call the picture of hell and imagine whats it like being there for sinning. Or if you want to literally experiance some part of hell, then put your hand on a burning candle. Its 70 times more hot actually in hell. This might help to avoid touching your spot.
    If you choose to remain in this marriage and your husband cannot satisfy you sexually due to his sickness or whatever, he can indeed masturbate you to satisfaction. Do not feel shy to ask him, everything is too late already for shyness to interfere.

    What ever you decide to do, pray salat al isthikara so that Allah may guide you. Think hard about everything. And remember one main thing, YOU HAVE THREE KIDS. Think of their situation too.

    Make your choice.

    In my opinion, if your husband doesn't do drugs anymore and doesn't flirt around. And is doing his religious duty, then I would advice you to stay with him. If he's the same bad kid, then the choice is yours.

  2. 20 years your rights have not been given to you. i really felt for you. may Allah make it easy for you.

    • you have dealt with a lot a pain, so forgive yourself for breaking down once. iam sure Allah understands and forgives us when we go wrong not to seek pleasure but to lessen the pain we are going through.

  3. As Salamu Alaikum,

    Sister, your husband has schizophrenia, it can be very debilitating. I do not know how bad it is for him but people with schizophrenia cannot function or behave normally if they are not compliant with their treatment.

    You recognized your weakness so thank Allah for that. The brother gave you a comprehensive advice. As far as your husband if you decide to stay with him, you really need a LOT of patience. You need to adapt your expectations from your husband to his current condition. In other words, it will be hard for him to meet all your expectations when he is dealing with schizophrenia.

    Remember The One, call Him, ask Him for help, He will help you. IYAKA NAABUDU WA IYAKA NASTAEEN.

    May Allah help you stay strong and patient.


  4. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, it is very difficult to deal with the situation you are in, but don't forget, Allah Says:

    Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. (al Baqarah, 286)

    So you can rest assured. And your tests depend upon the level of your faith, the capacity you have, to handle them. But you have thereat from the Shaitaan, both among the Jinn and the Humans.

    What? Shaitan among the Humans? Yes, you read it right. Allah Says in Surah Aal Imran, 112:

    وَكَذَٰلِكَ جَعَلْنَا لِكُلِّ نَبِيٍّ عَدُوًّا شَيَاطِينَ الْإِنْسِ وَالْجِنِّ يُوحِي بَعْضُهُمْ إِلَىٰ بَعْضٍ زُخْرُفَ الْقَوْلِ غُرُورًا ۚ وَلَوْ شَاءَ رَبُّكَ مَا فَعَلُوهُ ۖ فَذَرْهُمْ وَمَا يَفْتَرُونَ

    And thus We have made for every prophet an enemy - devils from mankind and jinn, inspiring to one another decorative speech in delusion. But if your Lord had willed, they would not have done it, so leave them and that which they invent.

    The man you met on facebook was a shaitan among the humans. He took advantage of your grief just as the shaitaan does most of the time. One needs to control oneself in such situations.

    You found something you were lacking, and grabbed it, without realizing that it was shaitan who was showing you the shine of what was not gold. As they say "all that glitters is not gold". Shaitan took advantage and put you into his trap.

    But it is not late. The doors to Allah's Mercy are open until you die, or until the sun rises from the west. So you have a chance to repent for your sin. Delete the shaitan off your facebook account and move away from it.

    Concerning your husband, you deserve your part of the enjoyment. He should work on giving up the sins if he is still in them and concentrate on supporting you and fulfilling all his duties towards you. But if he fails and you fear Zina, I believe it can be a valid reason to part. But try all possible ways to bring him on track. But you can not guide whoever you love, as Allah Says in surah al Qasas, Aayah 56:

    إِنَّكَ لَا تَهْدِي مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ وَلَٰكِنَّ اللَّهَ يَهْدِي مَنْ يَشَاءُ ۚ وَهُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِالْمُهْتَدِينَ
    Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.

    So, try hard. But if you fear a greater sin because your husband fails to fulfil your desire, I think you should part. But whatever you choose to do, do it with trust in Allah that He Will do what is right for you.

    May Allah Help you

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. May Allah help you in this difficult time and Masallah good advise from 1st post.

  6. jazak allah kahir for the advice brothers and sisters please pray for me may ALLAH SWT give me the strength to refrain from sins and repent cordially

  7. jzk 4 the coments

    i learned a lot

  8. Roses ,

    You are 38 year old and you you blame the new guy for this habit as like he has taught you this ? You never masturbated before ?

    You need to stop communication with this new man as it is Haraam .

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