Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Was it All the Will of Allah?

Asalamualaikum

There's a few things i don't truly understand about life and Islam. One of the main things that have eaten me up was the abundant use of the phrase 'That's What Allah willed' by both my parents and members of the community for almost anything that happens, be good or bad. Is that really and truly the case?. It Seems people can say this so easily without even trying to comprehend certain situations and use it as a way to cope with bad happenings.

If i get straight to the point, was it by the will of Allah for me to have a sexually abusive childhood? Did he write that for me? Was it really laid out for me to be exposed to such things at the age of 5 which would ultimately spiral me into severe depression and a life of disconnect and confusion about both myself and my religion? Did he know how critically it would affect me growing up as an otherwise happy Muslim boy but chose to set it in motion anyway? I don't understand, but that's all i want. Is to understand...

I was happy, i used to pray to Allah Everynight as a child and ask for things while i lay in bed. Brand new toys , superpowers and for my parents to live forever , world peace. Fairly generic and childish Duas. My parents always gave me so much hope and happiness when talking about Islam or telling me stories about the prophets. I was in awe listening about how amazing Islam and Allah is. My parents said angels protect good little boys. I wanted to be friends with them. I thought Islam was the best thing in the world. But that changed.

It ended when an 'old and respected' adult decided to live with us and have their way with me. Exposing me to to a world i was not ready for. It continued for a lengthy period of time until their stay was over. It was scary. It was always frightening. It was always the "This is your fault, you are a bad kid" Being slowly indoctrinated into my developing brain. The "If you tell I'll harm you" still haunts my sleep as a now early 20's Man. It was disturbing...but at the time, the unknown things that my brain could not comprehend that were happening to me also felt "good". It's disgusting and disturbing to even have such a thought cross my mind that it was a fact, the child me derived some pleasure from it all. It makes me so angry and filled with absolute hate for myself. Enough hate and rage that i could kill the one who did this to me and feel no remorse.

Whilst it's not logical to beat myself over it as if i was a 5 year old who knew what was happening. I still do. I always have. It's all i know. Only those who have had this experience can understand that. Ever since i hit my teenage years depression hit me hard especially whilst coming to understand everything that happened. Although if i look back and reflect upon the ages of 5-10 i would say i was already mentally disturbed.

I could always hear these voices in my head and these hateful whispers. No, its was not the Shaitann. The shaitann does not tell little boys to whisper to themselves that killing themselves is fun or sit in a closet chanting hundreds of times under my breathe " I wish mommy and daddy were dead" only to smile nicely when they open the door as if everything is okay. I still have the voices and i have been treated for psychosis. I have more control over it now and much more resilience.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. They have done everything for me. They could not safeguard me but they're the best parents i could have asked for. It's hard to rationalize my behavior as kid perceiving my parents to be ' Liars' For saying that Angels protect children. But that's probably where the malicious thoughts came from, though I'm only self aware of these things as an adult now learning more about myself. By the age of 8 i fully understood that you could do strange things to your feelings by saying certain things to yourself, over and over again. It became a game for me. A game that helped me cope with confusion and betrayal and all the questions i could not ask or comprehend answers to...

Even if it meant telling myself Allah hates me, only for my heart to yell out in pain proving only that it works and i can keep maliciously attacking the "lies" my parents taught me until i fully disconnect from everything. And that's exactly what happened over many years or doing this. I understand that there is a thing as whispers from the devil which is heightened by overthinking and depression but this is not the same thing.

I also used masturbation as a coping mechanism since i was 7...yes 7. I never understood what it was of course. But given what happened, i knew you could do it and it felt comforting and gave me a safe space alone. Learning about it later in life was obviously even more shameful. But it was my coping mechanism that i could not get rid off.

When i was about 16 i had basically fully disconnected from islam. My parents always saying Masha'Allah And Inshallah angered me. ( They never knew about it all and could simply never ever understand the depth of how much it affected me. They're quite simple when it comes to deep thinking). I Rarely ever made sallaah. I quit my Hafiz classes. Bear in mind none of this was to become some sort of Islam hating rebel. My brain just associated it with my childhood. But there were times where praying to Allah in desperate time or need truly did help me even a little.

I still kept my fasts as to me it was "Just a thing you do" i got into a relationship with a white girl but i never tried drinking, smoking or taking drugs of any sort. I thankfully never committed physical Zina Or had physical sexual relationships despite being very easily able to. Whilst i can't deny having sexually charged conversations, it was my limit.

I changed. I was able to quit the coping mechanism of masturbation completely. I still turn my head away from revealing women. I don't watch things i should not be. I pray my Salaah each day albeit not all 5. I do positive things and have my own hobbies. Despite all the hatred and confusion lurking in my heart i can do these things with no intention of going back. But it's not enough. All that i do is not enough. The Imaan in my soul shattered so long ago that i don't think the pieces even exist anymore. I can't find them. How do i find them?

Now being in my 20's and reflecting upon my life, i'm burying out the Islam that was inside of me but that also brings out the hard questions that i already answered to myself and conditioned my brain to accept. It's difficult to reconnect with my faith because it was so skewed and broken just to cope. I truly don't understand if Allah meant this as a test for me? I don't understand why i should believe in him. But i want to. I want a reason. I don't understand why i should believe that it's safe to move out of this isolated safe space and find companionship and love.

Yes. I am lonely and I've done it to myself. I've almost completely hardened my heart to this world and that includes my faith and building relationships. Whilst a solution could be marriage to rekindle my faith and give me a new life. I'm not ready to trust humankind even if its what my heart also yearns for. I'm still studying and I have not developed myself as a Muslim enough yet to have a family( I suppose this is one of my dreams) But i'm not ready to attain it yet. I have healing to do spiritually...alone but i don't know how. It's a pile of problems and i don't know where to start.

Was i actually destined to have this life? Was i destined to abuse which lead to mental health problems? Which have contributed to my sins. However i am fully aware my sins have been carried out by none other than myself. Am i too hard on myself? Am i thinking too deeply? Do angels really protect children?. Why did he not answer me when i asked as a child?. I understand suffering is a part of life and struggle we all go through to test our character. But it is said that Allah does not put you through what you can not handle. Despite my severe suicidal thoughts and disturbing dua's as a teenager pleading for death, did he know i would eventually outlast them and come out strong willed in my need to survive and accomplish my goals?

I truly don't understand life and i don't understand Allahs plan I Suppose we aren't meant to. I do understand that we are put on this earth to worship Allah but it's not as simple as that. If it was, we would all be robots praying all day and nothing else. But one persons "free will" can affect your life. And the free will you think have does not exist anymore because it can be taken away
by another. Are we really piloting our own lives? Can my soul be saved and my faith rekindled despite all that has transpired?

Before answering please don't quote verses from the Quran and then just say Allah knows best. I know that he knows best. But As much as i've asked him for perfect answers, i wont get them until i pass. I want to be understood and related to by a human.

I have been treated with antidepressants for several years/ anti psychotics and therapy. But I quit them all to rebuild myself as they aren't the answers to what i truly seek. I welcome any advice from those with experience in life.

Thank you.

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15 Responses »

  1. I agree with you.
    You have asked and very good questions and none of us has the straight forward answers. What I do know for sure is that this life is definitely not fair and what we read in Quran often does not apply in individual's unique circumstances.

  2. Selam,

    I'm very sorry you had to deal with such abuse and trauma in your childhood. It should not have happened. And you are not to blame.
    Some lowlife somewhere took you as their victim, and Allah will punish the person, whether in this life or not, definitely in the next. Because indeed Allah is the Fair, the Just (Al-Hakam, Al-'Adl). We do have free will and how we exercise it is what we will be judged on. Yes, we are the pilots of our own lives. Let's stick to the analogy of being a pilot so i can attempt to explain;
    - You fly the plane (you have free will).
    - Allah has given you the ability and skill to drive the plane (Allah showers blessings upon you)
    - Some days you may have bad weather- storms, hailstones, however much you plan or prepare (there Will be bad experiences and even events that are unexpected)
    - Some days it will be clear skies and a safe and quick ride (most days that we should be grateful for.)
    - Perhaps there will be obstruction caused by a fault in your engine (our own errors/mistakes/sins) or obstruction by something coming in our way (other people).
    = We can allow the plane to continue going and cause a crash (no control and no action - wasting time, allowing others bad decisions affect ours) or we can dodge the other thing and swerve (exercising free will for the good and not letting other's actions decide our destination)

    Allah is Al-'Aleem, so he is All-Knowing and Aware of how we use our free will. This is not to say that the bad actions WE do, He has willed them. No way. Mustaheel. We are responsible for our actions, and we are also responsible for listening to waswasa (shaytaanic whispers). Shaytaan is indeed weak, all he can do is whisper. That's all. It is us who decide to listen to or ignore his whisper. So if you are someone who is strong in your imaan, you will reject his whispers. So when he tells you to leave your Fajr Salah, and you don't- that's your strength. When he is encouraging you to disbelieve, but you continue- that is your strength. Alhamdulilah.

    What that person did to you was exercise their free will for the wrong. They brought you into this dark corner and ruined your childhood. Don't let their actions also define your present and future. Make your present and future the way YOU want it. It's yours. Why are you letting them ruin your life? Believe and accept that Allah will deal with this person. That this person will get what they deserve. - that will be another example of imaan.

    It seems like what you have lost is hope, not 'imaan. 1- You are here seeking assistance in accordance with Islam. 2- You want a REASON to believe. 3- You want to begin to spiritually heal yourself. These are all elements that are showing the presence of your imaan, alhamdoulilah.
    So in my opinion, it is hope that you are losing, not imaan. But please don't.
    We can not survive in this life without hope. Imagine what a bysmal and dystopic world it would be if we were all living without hope. SubhanAllah.

    When people say 'subhanAllah' and 'maShaAllah'- they've are doing tasbeeh of Allah, they are glorifying and praising Allah. This is their right. Why is one showing anger at that? Truly, one can find solace in Doing Dhikr and reciting Allah's Name. When your parents are saying such phrases, it brings peace to them and it is just reiterating their faith in Allah; this should not be criticised. Everyone has their relationship with Allah, no Tom, Dick or Harry should intervene and question that.

    Brother, please remember- that everyone has their own tests and trials. These tests can make us stronger and wiser. And like you said yourself, Allah does not give you more than you can bear. Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear. So you are indeed strong and stronger than you think.
    Please do not give up. And I really 'hope' and pray that you are able to rekindle that light of imaan that is in your heart. Because to taste the sweetness of imaan is....SubhanAllah, I can't actually describe....
    But when you feel the closeness to Allah, and you just come to the comprehension that you can NOT comprehend Allah- you fall in love with Allah. That's only if you allow yourself to. Your day and night starts with Allah. Allah is in every beat of your heart. I hope you get to feel this.
    Last thing I want to say is Don't pity yourself. And don't let another's bad exercise of free will define you and your life.
    I was also sexually abused by an idiot when I was younger- it was one night. But that one night haunted many others. I would jump at shadows and quince at hugs and kisses. Spending 2 hours in the shower scrubbing my body- only to still feel unclean and repeating the process again.
    But I didn't let it define the rest of my life. I didn't let that one night rule my life. And I have belief that Allah will Question that person. I also forgave him- in my heart, i said to Allah- that only for your sake, I forgive him. On the PROMISED DAY when we arE begging your forgiveness and seeking your mercy- please forgive me for the sake of forgiving this man. Allah, allow me to move on.

    And indeed, My Lord has given me nothing but goodness when I turned to him. There will be storms and bad days, but the sun will always shine brighter.

    All the best.

    Your sis in Islam
    X

    • Very good advice ruby You should be counsellor r u married or engaged how do you know so much I don't comment on these problems on this site but read them but I have to say it's always refreshing reading your comments I wish I find wife like you and have daughters like you

      • Oh here we go.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • May Allah grant you wife and daughters that are better than me in every sense.

        (Sorry dear brother, I'm not interested - if you are thinking of sending an offer my way. Sincere apologies.
        I'm quite old-fashioned, in the sense that I just don't do online friendship or relationships. Sorry :))

        Your sister in Islam.

        • Some body is trying to impress Ruby but she is matured enough to understand this effort from brother 🙂

          Good thing is that admin don't allow contact details else this will slowly will get converted in to kind of dating site which is not the intention of creating this site .

  3. Salam.I'm sorry for your childhood etc. But this is the world we live in..cruel evil and full of deception. My sister has a revert in my early years I heard that phrase all the time.My Imam at our mosque said it's good say it but dont over think so hard about it..To understand the deep knowledge of things is beyond our understanding..We should that Allah is supreme and all wise and he knows what you know not.But mark my words on the day of judgement when it will come it will happen very fast.Everybody will be taken account.So my advice dont dwell on the past look forward be positive and build your foundation in Islam so shaitan doesnt whisper so to confuse you or doubt.Read and master Quran so it can protect you and keep you at peace

  4. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu, brother! and sisters Maham and Ruby!

    A person may not know the real reason for which Allah tests him in this world until the Day of Resurrection, when he will discover the high status that Allah, may He be exalted, has prepared for him in Paradise if he is patient and seeks reward. At that time he will realize that Allah, may He be exalted, tried and tested him by His grace and in His wisdom.

    It was narrated from Jaabir (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “On the Day of Resurrection, those who were hale and hearty will wish that their skin had been cut with scissors, when they see the reward of those who were put to trial.” (at-Tirmidhi, 2402; classed as hasan by al-Albaani)

    It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say:

    “Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hamm wa’l-hazn wa’l-‘ajz wa’l-kasal wa’l-bukhl wa’l-jubn wa dala’ al-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from distress, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, the burden of debt and from being overpowered by men).” (Al-Bukhaari, 6008)

    It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says:

    ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.”
    He was asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we learn this?” He said: “Of course; everyone who hears it should learn it.” (Ahmad, 3704; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani)

    You should understand, may Allaah bless you, that some people have been misguided with regard to the issue of al-qadar (the divine will and decree), because they think that if Allaah decrees that an action should happen, that means that He likes that thing, and this leads them to think that evil actions happen outside of the will of Allaah. Thus they attribute weakness and incapability to Allaah, when they say that nothing happens in His dominion that He does not want, and so He may will a thing and it does not happen – exalted be Allaah far above what they say. In fact there is no connection between what Allaah loves and wants in terms what is permissible and not permissible, and what He wills and decrees should happen in the universe.

    In the Qur’aan and Sunnah, the will and decree of Allaah is divided into two categories:

    1. His universal will and decree. Nothing happens outside of this will. The kaafir and the Muslim are equal under this will.
    Acts of worship and acts of disobedience all happen by the will and decree of Allah.

    For example, Allaah says:

    “But when Allah wills a people’s punishment, there can be no turning back of it” (al-Ra’d 13:11)

    “And whomsoever Allah wills to guide, He opens his heart to Islam; and whomsoever He wills to send astray, He
    makes his breast closed and constricted, as if he is climbing up to the sky” (al-An’aam 6:125).

    2. His legislative (shar’i) will, which applies only to that which He loves and is pleased with.

    For example, Allah says:

    “Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you” (al-Baqarah 2:185)

    “Allah wishes to accept your repentance” (al-Nisa’ 4:27)

    “Allah does not want to place you in difficulty, but He wants to purify you” (al-Maa'idah 5:6)

    The difference between the two wills. There are differences between the universal will of Allaah and His legislative will, which distinguish each from the other. These differences include the following:

    1- The universal will has to do with that which Allaah loves and is pleased with, and with that which He does not love and is not pleased with, whereas His legislative will has to do only with that which Allaah loves and is pleased with.

    2- By His universal will he may decree something not for its own sake, but to serve another purpose, such as the creation of Iblees, for example, and all evil things, because of which many things happen which Allaah loves, such as repentance, striving and seeking forgiveness.

    His legislative will has to do with that which He prescribes for its own sake, for Allaah wants us to obey Him and He loves that, so He prescribes it and is pleased with it for its own sake.

    Allah allows some things to happen in His dominion that He hates, because they serve a greater wisdom which we, or most of us, cannot comprehend. Some of His wisdom may become clear to us, and that is by the mercy of Allaah towards His believing slaves, as He shows them some of His wisdom in this world so that they might find peace of mind. For example, if we want to ask about the reasons for something we could understand, such as in your case why Allah let that happen, perhaps if it didn't happen, you would have committed major sins such as those that doom a person to Hell, and that would have condemned you to remain in Hell for eternity, or for a very long time, or you may have caused others such as your parents, to deviate from the path of Allah – as mentioned in the story of the boy whom al-Khidr killed, as told in the story of al-Khidr and Moosa in Soorat al-Kahf.

    Moreover, perhaps this difficulty will prevent you from committing many sins which, if he you did them, would lead to you being severely punished on the Day of Resurrection.

    It is rather a test for you, by which Allaah will expiate for your bad deeds, or raise your status in Paradise that cannot be enumerated

    So do not give in to the pain of the past and forget yourself. You have to keep yourself busy with acts of obedience to Allaah, such as memorizing Qur’aan, reading books of knowledge and the biographies of the righteous salaf, and look for good friends.

    I'd be honored to answer any questions you have, like how do you come out of this difficulty through Allah's guidance you know : )

    Salaam.

    • MashaAllah.
      You are very well-versed in the Quran and Ahadith, brother.
      May Allah grant you more in your wisdom and knowledge and enhance it.

      X

      • Assalaamualakum, again.

        Ohh, Alhamdullilah, thank you so much, sister Rubes, thank you so much. You are very well-versed in the Quran and Ahadith too (tears). I just want to be like the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) you know take care of the Ummah.

        Well, I have something for you and it's a book! Use the link and download it. You're gonna love it.

        This book is based on excerpts and passages collected from many books written by the scholars of Islam. The wise sayings, interesting events, logical deductions, intelligent approaches, admonitions, moral lessons and teachings etc., have been compiled to give the readers the opportunity of knowing what the great personalities of Islam have been doing in their life and how their character has been an example for us to follow.

        https://islamfuture.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/gems-and-jewels.pdf

        Jazakallah Khair. Take care.

        Salaam.

  5. OP: One of the main things that have eaten me up was the abundant use of the phrase 'That's What Allah willed' by both my parents and members of the community for almost anything that happens, be good or bad. Is that really and truly the case?. It Seems people can say this so easily without even trying to comprehend certain situations and use it as a way to cope with bad happenings.

    Yes. I am lonely and I've done it to myself. I've almost completely hardened my heart to this world and that includes my faith and building relationships. Whilst a solution could be marriage to rekindle my faith and give me a new life. I'm not ready to trust humankind even if its what my heart also yearns for. I'm still studying and I have not developed myself as a Muslim enough yet to have a family( I suppose this is one of my dreams) But i'm not ready to attain it yet. I have healing to do spiritually...alone but i don't know how. It's a pile of problems and i don't know where to start.

    By the age of 8 i fully understood that you could do strange things to your feelings by saying certain things to yoursel
    f, over and over again. It became a game for me. A game that helped me cope with confusion and betrayal and all the questions i could not ask or comprehend answers to...

    I have been treated with antidepressants for several years/ anti psychotics and therapy.
    I welcome any advice from those with experience in life.

    SVS: You seem to be an intelligent guy. You have articulated your problems very well and even suggested the answers to those problems (I have highlighted above). Sexual abuse seems to be very common, the degree of abuse may vary. I think you should forgive the person and move on. Have you committed sins for which you would like to be forgiven.?

    If you can do without medications and therapy more power to you. In case you need medication and therapy don't hesitate to get treatment.

    Well you learned how to play with your thoughts when you were 8 years old. Many adults even don't know how to control reactions to their thought.

    If you mental health is better, go for a family. Don't wait to be a perfect man.

    • May Allah better the brother's mental health.

      But SVS, in regards to your advice- do you not think that the brother should find himself first (after his mental health betters, inshallah) before marriage?
      As in should he not find his identity? Should he not find himself before taking responsibility for a family? And bringing other people in?

      My thoughts only. X

      (

  6. Salam,

    To answer some of your questions: Yes you were destined to have abuse in your life and you are capable of handling it. You're still praying and you're still here asking these questions which is great.

    The start of all this is our acceptance to be tested. Allah says that this test was offered and it has high risk and high reward and man took it. It was offered to other creation but they did not take it, and we did. So even though I don't remember, it seems at some point I signed up to be tested.

    Next, this test separates the criminals from the righteous. You can't charge a criminal for a crime without allowing him to commit it. And for the crime of rape there must be a victim of that crime. Allah says that the good and the bad is written for us, so that we might not become too prideful over what he have and not too sorrowful over what we've lost. This crime was in the bad section of what you would receive. Your parents and the rest of your good life is in the good section of what you would receive. Allah also says that He tries men with similar trials. So just as you were tried with rape, so have others who have been raped as children. There were other bad things that you could've been tried with but you were not.

    Your patience in remaining Muslim despite what happened to you becomes a badge of honor. You know how people say that I love you so much that I would climb a mountain for you. For you to believe having lived through rape is that mountain you're climbing. And it is not that Allah wanted you to be raped for fun. It is that you would prove your resolve in belief by overcoming difficult obstacles. The stronger your belief, the more difficult the obstacle you are capable of overcoming. And then it is more likely that you will be tested with a more difficult test.

    Also, among those tested, you are not the only one who has asked for death. In the Quran, Prophet Isa's mother also asked that she die and be forgotten when she is giving birth. There are those that are close to Allah that are shaken to the point that they ask when the help of Allah will come. And Allah asks rhetorically who would be allowed to enter paradise without going through difficult tests. So the severity of these tests are part of the deal we made to get the prize of being close to Allah and getting whatever we want forever. Let me know if you have other questions. Most of what I have said is through the Quran. I can give references if you'd like.

  7. No matter how much everyone feels sorry or sympathetic that dreadful memory won't change. You have got to deep into the religions. You have questions which only an Aalim can answer. Having questions regarding a religion is a good thing because you want to know more about it. First thing I would suggest you to do is discuss your childhood abuse with your parents, seriously you'll feel a little better after you do this, one piece of you will return back to you. You have been keeping up stuff within yourself locking them deep inside you, blaming yourself and your parents for not understanding what happened with you and not even getting the idea of it. You seem like a guy who's just lost yet you're still there. That shitty memory still has control over you. It won't let you go or you aren't able to let it go. I would rather suggest you to first tell your parents everything, pour your heart out, tell them how it has been affecting you then visit an Aalim or Moulvi you think can answer your queries without any kind of judgements. Try to recite salah on time and recite durood tanjaina 75 times and pray for yourself. Recite la haule wala quwata oftenly and if you live in Karachi I would suggest you to visit Dr Moiz he's an expert with all these memoirs. I hope it helps you and will remember you in my prayers. Ciao.

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