Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheated on husband. Should I tell him or divorce cuz he deserves better?

Consequences of adultery

The consequences of infidelity and adultery

Hi.. I am from Pakistan. I was married for 6 yrs. It was nikkah so according to our elders we werent allowed to sleep with each other. In pakistan there is another ceremony called "giving away the bride", thats when the girl leaves house to live with the husband.

Anyway, since we hadn't done the GiveAway ceremony, we weren't allowed to sleep with each other but of course me and my husband did. I didn’t like doing it with him at all though. There were only a few times that I initiated the sex within the six years of our marriage.

There were so many restrictions that were brought upon us by our families. I went to school in a different state and ended up sleeping with another guy. Slowly we started falling in love. This went on for almost three years. My husband didn't know that I was cheating on him. I realy didn't feel that I was doing anything wrong cuz I never felt that I was married cuz of all the restrictions.

I know it still doens’t justify me cheating on him. In the beginning my husband thought that I was cheating on him but I told him I wasn’t (when I actually was). Anyway me and my husband would fight on the phone so much that it came down to talks of divorce. He still loves me very much and does not want to divorce. But I have this guilt inside me of cheating on him (I haven't told him).

I feel like he deserves better so I am asking for a divorce. He loves me so SO SO much.. he was crying so much when I told him I have signed the papers and asked him to sign them.

Now what do I do? I feel so terrible cuz I know how much he loves me, and us getting divorced will literally ruin his life! But I am too chicken to tell him that I cheated on him. Also I am afraid that he might tell his family about what I did and then I wont be able to face them. I am so afraid that Allah will punish me for breaking his innocent heart and also that he donest even know the real reason of why we are getting divorced. He just knows that we had too many fights in the past yrs and the trust is not there. He insists we can work on it which I know we can but this guilt is telling me that he desrves better!

1. Should I tell him that I cheated on him and hope that he forgives me and we can work on it quitely (but I am afraid of what he will think of me in the future and might seek revenge on me)

2. Should I just go with the divorce?

3. Should I just get back with him without telling him about my cheating... cuz I told him once that I have done stuff in the past and that he doesn't deserve me.. but he deserves some one better.. He said he doesn't care about the past, just wants to get back with me. (But doesn't Islam say that a chaste man for chaste woman.. i am not chaste anymore.. can i still stay with him?)

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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister, what a terrible situation you are in.

    I am sure you are aware of the incredibly bad status of the adulterer and of adultery in Islam,so I will not expoud upon that here, but instead I will speak about what to do now.

    Whatever action you take now, will have a serious affect on your life, health and future, so I would advise that you think very carefully about what your goal is here, and what you want to achieve and do not take any action that is motivated by any bad feelings or thoughts - do not act in guilt, anger, or any other powerfully bad feeling as this will only drive you further down the slippery slope and into harm's way. You must heal yourself, and act only in faith, goodness and a clear logical mind and this is the only way to make a good decision. So I would advise that first, you take some time out of whatever responsibilies you have and introduce some calm and peace into your world so that you can think clearly.

    It is not up to you to decide what your husband needs or wants in his life. He loves you and he is happy with this decision that he has made. He has a right to decide for himself if he wants to be with you or no, so please acknowledge this about him and recognise that he has a right to choose for himself if he wants to be with you or no. So here I would advise that you don't take responsibility for him by staying or leaving "for him" but instead, take responsibility for yourself and decide what you want before you turn everything upside down.

    Regarding your transgressions, If I tell you to tell him, it may result in harm to you. If I tell you to keep it secret, I may destroy your psychology. If you dont tell him, then the guilt may result in some other badness. Really sister, this a decision you have to take responsiblity for and make yourself.

    My advice in all such things is to act in accordance with what your concious dictates to you, with righteousness and without fear - and accept whatever consequences come as a result of your action, even if those consequences are unbearable.

    What I mean by that is do what you feel if the most righteous, respectful, and faithful thing to do and then be happy at the end, even if it has cost you much ease.

    Finally, know that marriages in which the husband loves his wife and the wife loves her husband are worth saving.


  2. And dont even think of telling him or anyone. Coz in no time it will be the talk of the town. And people just wont let you turn a new leaf. Its allah that you are accountable to not these people. They are immortals. Just ask allah for forgivenesss, do tawbah and start afresh!
    Im also from pakistan so I can imagine how things are going to be once they find out about your mistakes.

  3. thank u both. I told only one friend about it and she judged me right away.. i am sure that she won't tell anyone else but i really shoudln't have opened my mouth to her. Your secret is only a secret if only u know it!!! Thank you for advice sisters.. My divorce is finalized... i just couldn't go back to him without telling him, and then i realized that if i did tell him, he might lose all the respect for me and may seek revenge upon me in future.

    • My Dearest Sister, Inshallah you will find love and healing in your future, may God bless you and guide you and keep you safe all the way, protect you from harm and lead you to happiness and peace,

  4. Assalam o alaekum.... i m also a Pakistani... i used to have oral sex before marriage... now i m married to a really gud guy and its an arrange marriage....when i got married i was still a virgin.... what should i do??/ should i tell him about my past... that i used to ve oral sex with guys.... i luv him alot n he loves me too... n i m 4 months pregnant with my husband... n living a very happy n wonderful life..... what should i do?? i zinna forgivable....?? will ALLAH forgive me for committing this sin.....?/

    • No Mishal, don't tell him. Forget about it and ask forgiveness. It is in the past so let it go, or else husband will be very hurt. And every sin except shirk is forgiveable, but you must repent sincerely.

    • @Mishal: i used to have oral sex before marriage... now i m married to a really gud guy and its an arrange marriage....when i got married i was still a virgin

      How can a girl who had "oral sex" think she is a virgin?

      Unless you want to break up your marriage don't tell your husband you had oral sex before marriage. I hope the guy did oral sex is no longer in contact with you. Avoid him like plague. He may start where he left off and you guys may go for more...........

  5. Allah says you should not dispair of his mercy , I heard once from a lecture that one of shaitans tricks is to make you think you have sinned so bad Allah wouldn't forgive you, but he only wants that so you get depressed, careless about your life and then you can do worse things since you feel Allah wouldn't forgive you.

    Though of course sometimes even with the knowledge of this it can be depressing ...

  6. to add one more thing, the beauty of our paki culture. why do parents do this? nikkah means that they are husband and wife! hello! nobody can stop them from doing whatever they want of each other because they are a married couple now. doesn't matter if the ruksati(or giving away ceremony) hasn't been done yet, as that is a cultural thing. the boy and girl can have sex and nobody has any right to stop a husband and wife from each other. thankyou. bow. wave. blow kiss.

  7. Asalamu aleikum!

    MISHAL Sister do not tell to your husband what you did in the past as long as it does not hurt him( it does not hurt him since it is not up to him).
    Past is for Allah and seek forgiveness in Allah. Allah has covered you when you were doing this
    sin and now you want to uncover yourself??. Sincerely seek forgiveness in Allah and do not let anybody
    know about your past also do not make your sin public sister that is even another sin.


  8. i think if your story is turned into a movie, you will be the most hated villian in the entire world why?

    because you put your husband through such a misery and just for the sake of your honor, which you didn't have, you concealed the guilty fact from him and made him divorce

    that just plain evil

    you say that you feel guilty, but if somebody reads your story he/she will realize you took worst decisions every time and you will hopefully rot in future and in after life for that

    if you truly feel guilty, you should least have the courtesy to tell your husband that 6 year truth that you cheated on him for 3 years and didn't even love him?

    you should have divorced him earlier to save him his wasted years with his rotten wife? which you didn't chose

    you only spared the poor guy since you got dumped from you ex boyfried, and i guess you thought in order to seek a new relationship you need be free from your husband once and for ever

    you i guess used the poor guy for six years and in six years he kept waiting for you, you kept sidelining him as well, but you decided that enough is enough i need to be a free devil to be in a fully depraved mode

  9. OP: I am so afraid that Allah will punish me for breaking his innocent heart and also that he doesn't even know the real reason of why we are getting divorced. He just knows that we had too many fights in the past yrs and the trust is not there. He insists we can work on it which I know we can but this guilt is telling me that he deserves better!

    I guess your family and your husband may be thinking you are too innocent...............Are you still close to the second guy? What is the real reason you want to divorce? Now you just have one affair but if you divorce, you will be a divorcee who also cheated on her husband. You think you will find a husband who will "deserve you" more after a divorce and affair.

    Are you planning to be secret second wife or your lover?

    If you marry your lover, you both will never be able to trust each other because both of you cheated on your spouses.

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