I’m 18, met a scuba instructor on holiday and fell in love
I have just got home from my holiday in Egypt, where i met the most amazing guy ever (he worked at the scuba center at the hotel). He is muslim and i am from england, I am christian although i don't go to church, (only for weddings, funerals and christenings.)
I arrived back home early this morning, but miss him like crazy, i only have one picture with him in it and thats one with me and the scuba team. I could spend all day looking at it, thinking about him, i am even looking at jobs in egypt.
He is 24 and i am almost 18, My sexual past is complicated, as i was raped at the age of 15. As i didn't give my consent i regard myself as a virgin, and I want(ed) to remain pure until marriage. (i am currently receiving counseling for my issues in trust for men). Although i am not really religious i have asked god for forgiveness and consider my mind and body scarred but my soul pure.
I don't know much about him or his religion although i have been doing some research. He sends me really sweet texts about how much he likes and misses me, which makes the fact i can't see him a lot worse!!
On my way out of the hotel he ran to say goodbye and i gave him a hug, which is just a customary thing in the UK, a way to show you care. He said this isn't allowed and didn't return the hug (because we were in the lobby and there was lots of people around) i have since realized that i have compromised him in his religion and that it is Ramadan (duhhhh!!) however as a diver working at the beach surrounded by "bikini ladies" he finds it difficult!! (he has seen me in a bikini while sunbathing and putting on my wet-suit).
How do i know if he feels the same, is this worth pursuing, would our relationship be allowed, how do muslims view rape, and what are muslim men not allowed to do!!
- UtterlyConfused x
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Dear Utterly Confused girl:),
Let me tell you first of all that I admire you for the way you deal with this terrible experience that
leaves marks on a woman's soul forever and will always affect her relationships with other men.
I know that falling in love with someone feels great and that having butterflies in one's stomach
is the greatest feeling on earth.
However, this man is a Muslim and from a religious perspective, he should behave the following way:
Surah Nisa Vers 30: And tell the believing men that they should lower their gazes, guard their private
parts and remain chaste. For Allah is beware of their deeds( short German translation:) )
Maybe he's in love with you as a young guy, but I have to warn you. In many Arab countries, there is
a double standard that unfortuately exists within the minds of many Muslim men. The European woman
with her bikini and her sexy outfit is a "slut"( or a cheap girl that doesn't know her boundaries) and
is sexually available at any time, whereas the Muslim muhajiba is an obedient woman we respect
because of the hijab. The Qu'ran tells men to respect all kinds of women , from the bikini-model to the
niqabi and to lower their gazes in front of all of them. Islam wanted to teach our men that every woman
is like their own sister. This man wouldn't want his sister to be touched by a non-mahram( a man she's not
related to) , so why does he behave like this? This shows a lack of ghayra( which is a
possessivness that has nothing to do with jealousy, but builds the foundation of a healthy society).
His reaction in front of the hotel staff is natural. In Islam, men and women normally don't shake hands,
they talk to each other respectfully, but avoid close contact like hugging, kissing on the cheek. He felt
embarassed in front of the others, but on the beach he was alone with you and the other girls , therefore
he wasn't afraid of any bad reactions. I don' want to say : forget him, he's playing with you, as I don't know
him and it's tohmat to accuse people of anything bad. But still, he didn't follow Islamic etiquette and
didn't show you the respect he has to show every woman , not only Muslim women.
Working in such an environment is not allowed in Islam, so I have to tell you: You fell in love with
a non-practising Muslim from Egypt who's working at the beach and looks at girls in bikinis. In the
West, something like this is natural. But it's very likely that he's going to hurt you , I don't want this to
end up in a disaster, you really seem to love him. You are , I'm 100 %ly sure, a beautiful, nice,
humourous and loveable person and who haven't deserved to be treated like something cheap.
(I'm talking about the mindset of many Arabs, i know that in our culture this kind of contact is normal)
My piece of advice to you: Don't waste your " real first time" for this man, wait for someone who
doesn't live by double standards. At the end, he'll have a relationship with you, whilst his parents
are arranging his marriage. Don't do that to yourself. This has absolutely nothing to do with Islam, this
is unfortunately again a cultural and sociopolitical issue in terms of double standards and how we
deal with them in a Muslim society.
I don' t want to break your heart or hurt you, this is my opinion and if I'm wrong, please tell me your
opinion.
I wish you all the best, that you overcome this terrible experience and will be loved by someone who
treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve as a woman
Jazakallah
I would like to offer a different perspective from sister Jannah.
The economic situation is Egypt is very, very bad. Jobs are extremely scarce for young people. Generations live together in small apartments. College graduates take menial jobs or live unemployed. The only sector of the economy that thrives is tourism. That's where the jobs are. If a young Egyptian is enterprising and ambitious, he will find a way to work in the tourism industry.
Tourists are what they are. The women dress immodestly by Muslim standards, men and women drink, etcetera. If every Egyptian said, 'I won't take such jobs because it's not decent," or, "I won't work in hotels and restaurants because they serve alcohol", "I won't offer horse rides by the pyramids because I have to touch women to help them onto the horse," and so on, hundreds of thousands of people would be out of work. Families would go hungry and maybe even starve.
It's easy for us who are well provided for to make judgments. But for people struggling to survive in difficult situations, there are sometimes no choices except bad ones.
Also, sister Jannah, I don't see what the man did that was so disrespectful to women? Did I miss something?
Back to UtterlyConfused, the man sounds to me like a decent guy who maybe developed some feelings for you, as you did for him.
But that does not mean that you should pursue this relationship. For one thing, it's hard to know whether his feelings are genuine, or whether he sees you as a possible ticket out of Egypt. Maybe both, who knows.
Secondly, I think you're way too young to be making impulsive decisions like this. Culturally Egyptians are very different from people in the UK, and there would be many great obstacles to a marriage between you two.
I suggest that you chalk it up as a fun experience and a pleasant memory, and let it go at that. Do not continue your communication with this man because it cannot really go anywhere.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As far as I'm informed, flirting with the opposite sex is haram and sincere feelings can only be expressed in
marriage. Looking at the opposite sex with Shahwa is haram, at least the ayas you and your editors are
referring to deal with this issue.
Wasalam
I'm not saying the young man conducted himself perfectly. I'm just saying, he sounds like a young man who works in the tourist industry and developed feelings for one of his clients. It happens. Maybe he's not perfect in his religion, but he doesn't sound like some manipulative hypocrite either. Just a fairly normal young man who actually does have some Islamic standards, since he drew the line at physical contact.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Jannah
You stated: You fell in love with a non-practising Muslim. Do you know he is non practicing? Can you just judge someone like that straight off the bat? Do you know that he doesnt perform his salaah as well as read Quran. You can never say to another fellow muslim that they are not practicing because you can only leave the judging to Allah as he knows best. You may have done some wrongs in your life which may cause people to judge bad things. Does that make you non practicing?.We all have sinned and made mistakes but we repent and ask for forgiveness and for guidance. Yes he is young, maybe he wasnt brought up with as much knoledge and he is lacking knowledge. We all lack knowledge and are seeking and learning new things everyday. I have made plenty mistakes in my life and sinned. Being young and in university working with tourist the temptations will always be there and shaytaan will always push you and encourage you to sin. at heart that man may be a really good person and inshallah if Allah has written for them to make nikkah and be married it will happen. Allah can change people and sometimes it canbe the most drastic changes. One people will never expect. But it happens all the time.
To utterly Confused: Research more into Islam and seek from the knowledgeable and the Imams and great Scholars. Our religion is a very simple beautiful religion. Not how we portray it to be. All of us Have to work very hard to gain better status in Allahs eyes and less for the people and status of this life. We are all here in this life only to earn what we will get in the next life. And there is only 2 things. Jannah And Jahannam. So sister utterly confused. Learn more about Islam and Inshallah one day you will be a muslim and inshallah you will find a lovely husband, whether it be the man from egypt or another man, you can teach them both from knowldge you have gained and vice versa.. Allah says more or less. I cant remember exact wording "Walk to him and He will run to you" Beautiful right?
Besm Allah Al Rahman Al Raheam
Allaho Akbar ya Rizwan you just pull the word want to say to Jannah ( Do you know he is non practicing? Can you just judge someone like that straight off the bat? Do you know that he doesnt perform his salaah as well as read Quran. You can never say to another fellow muslim that they are not practicing because you can only leave the judging to Allah as he knows best)
Barak Allaho feak Rizwan
Alslamo Alikom
Salams,
being non-practising or practising was not my point. I didn't have the intention to judge him, maybe he's
a good guy. I didn't practise Islam myself until recently, so who am I to judge people.
Also, I don't think that utterly confused asked for information about Islam, she was confused
in terms of his behaviour. And in my opinion, Islam is much more complex than : It's either Jannah or
Jehannam. God's mercy, love, Jewish and Christians being Ahle-Kitab and following a book religion
is also part of Islam. As far as I'm informed, Qu'ran says that pious Christians and Jews can enter Jannah
as well.
Utterly Confused just wrote he's writing her sms, saying that he misses her. He should have serious
intentions for marriage, and if this is the case, that's fine. If she wants to keep her faith or revert can be
decided by the two of them at a later time.
Besm Allah Al Rahman Al Raheam
Jazak Allaho Khearan siss Jannah
you dont know may be if she come to egypt she become moslim like alot of pepole how came before and her boy can be a father of her kids we dont know al3'ayed (futcher) only god knows
Salamo alaikom
Insha allah brother. But I'd suggest we leave that decision to herself.
Jazakallah kheir
@ Jannah, Qu'ran says that pious Christians and Jews can enter Jannah
as well. you need to specify pious christians and jews who lived in the time of those Prophets(Alaihi salaam), anyone else who died as a christian or a jew after Prophet Mohammad (swalallahu alaihi wa salaam) came; is in Hell, and Allahu 'Alaam.
Salam Cinci,
The prophet peace be upon him told us to accept Christians and Jews al Ahle Kitab. They have the status
of dhimmi in an Islamic state. Furthermore, the prophet didn't convert anyone by force and he didn't send
anyone to hell. It wouldn't make sense to say nowadays all go to hell as the prophet let them die as
Christians and Jews and allowed them to pass on their faith to further generations we see today.
Furthermore, I think that ghezava( judging) others is not the right of humans, but only the right of
Allah Ta'ala. Let him decide who will go to Jannah and who will go to hell.
Allah knows best
Islam is the most kind n blessed religon there is a respect for purity u can tell him abt ur raped whenevr u get a chance to share with him as soon as posible if he is realy a sensible and true muslim (which is not posible without being a good human) he would undrstand u n u could have a better opinion about thinking of in love with him.