My husband cheated on me but I don’t know how to deal with this situation. What are my options?
Asalaamu alaykum.
A week ago I walked through the doors of my home to find my husband in bed with another woman. Apparently she had no idea that he was married, and I know this because I saw the messages that he sent to her.
I am new to the deen , so I am trying to figure out how to properly handle the situation. In a manner that would be pleasing to Allah. He said he has made Tawbah but I am unsure of his sincerity. He seems to be genuine, but this is not the first incident that we have had; this is just the first time that he had gotten caught in the act.
I have seen inappropriate messages to other women (non Muslim) etc etc. When I confronted him about it though, he got defensive and wanted me to show him where the messages were and he had already deleted them. Now after this last incident, I asked for his reasoning for being defensive but he didn't reply. All he keeps saying is; I am sorry. I am so confused as to what to do.
Please help,
lalibadger415.
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Salaams,
You have the same options as any other wife would have in this situation: request a divorce or stay married and try to work out things out with your husband. As I understand it, you are not sure what to choose. I can assure you that Muslim or not, any woman who has found themselves in your situation have the same type of confusion that you are having.
Naturally, you are not sure to trust him or not when he says he won't do it again. It's hard to know when to base your choices on this, because there are times when even the person saying this doesn't realize the temptations they may face (and give in to) down the road. You are not in an easy situation, but there are steps you can take to try to sort out what to do next.
1. Make istikhara, and make it until you feel a clarity of direction (up to the prescribed 7 days). If you don't feel you have any guidance even after that, then make the best choice you can based on your gut feelings, and stick with it despite what "logical" ideas seem to say it's not right for you. I can tell you from experience, gut instincts are usually the right ones.
2. If you end up deciding to stay with him, get counseling. The both of you will have a very hard time finding a resolution to what's happened and being able to truly move forward in your marriage without professional help. Make sure you look for a counselor that can work with both of you effectively without taking sides; someone that both you and your husband feel comfortable with. If you go to one counselor and they don't seem like a good fit, keep looking until you find the right one.
3. Even if you don't stay with him, get counseling. You have been through a very emotional situation, and you are going to need help processing it and healing from it before you tread into the waters of marriage with someone new. Infidelity is a big blow to the faithful partner's self worth, and those insecurities often only grow without proper treatment. You owe it to yourself to free yourself from any self blame or scrutiny, because this was HIS poor choice and not yours.
4. Get tested. Insha'Allah his actions won't have any bad health effects on you, but you can never take chances. Set up an appointment with your gynecologist and have them check you out to make sure nothing was inadvertantly transferred to you.
These suggestions should give you a concrete plan to start working with. I hope things work out well for you, and your marriage, if Allah wills.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Sister
This must be truly painful for you to have to walk into your own home and find your husband in your bed with another women. You have the option of divorce. Having to rebuild the trust is going to be very difficult especially when it has come to this level. In islam adultery is not allowed under any circumstances. What your husband did was so wrong.
Rumaysa
AA;
So start with: what he did was wrong. If there was an Islamic state, of course dealing with him would have been different.
I think few things might help better direct your decision:
How long have you guys been married? When and how did you become a Muslim? Do you have any children?
I always say that family is the most important thing. Family build the community, which will build the societies, which make us humans. Family IS the corner stone. If you keep it together, forgive and forget, and just deal with him as a man for needs (all kinds), companionship, responsibilities, etc. God Willing you will heal and you will be ok. Again, life is full of tests and we need to pass them all inshallah. Btu if there is no family, no kids, not much in between, you do not want to be with him, etc, then maybe other options will be presented.
Most importantly, don;t let that impact your faith. This could happen to any one anywhere in any religion. Allah put us through life and if we go through hardship and be patient and thankful, it will decrease the sins and increase the good deeds inshallah. You are being tested 🙂 Be patient, thankful, and talk to other muslims people so you would stay connected and feeling happy inside inshallah. If there is anything we can do to help, please let us know. I am sure you can even find Muslim women near you that you can befriend and have their support. It makes a HUGE difference to be surrounded by muslims who will care for and help you through issues.
AA.
Assalamu Alaikum sister,
This is just my opinion and what I would do; To me, there is no excuse for being unfaithful..granted, we are all human and make mistakes, but some mistakes are forgivable, some are not. I don't believe that if you have children or a family with this guy, that this decides that you stay with him. You stay with him because you believe he made a huge mistake and are sure that you can forgive him, even though, as a woman, I doubt that you will forget, we never do, especially when we trust someone with our feelings and get crushed.
I don't know much about your marriage, how strong it is or how long you've been married, but simply put: If he is lacking something or needs something from you, he should talk to you about it and try to work things out. If he still isn't satisfied, he has the option to man up and say that he isn't happy and wants out, that is, if he is man enough to do that. Simply forgiving him and moving on after you've caught him several times with texts and now caught him with a woman in bed, will simply give him the impression that he can do it again, and you already know that it wasn't just one incident, you just caught him in the act this time. There is no excuse for adultery and cheating, not when you've made a choice to commit to someone in marriage.
I agree with the counseling part no matter what you decide to do and I realize that loving someone makes it easy to forgive, but think about yourself. He must deal with the consequences of his actions and not be let off easy with a slap on the wrist.
May Allah Bless you.
Assalaamu'alaikum...
If i do meet him...pain he will feel 🙁
Oki dear just leave him...why??
Because you said this is not the first time of having contact with other woman...with good attitude and character say bye bye to him...you'll suffer for sure but be patient dear...Allah Ta'ala will give you the best husband, believe me.
I'm asking what could he have one outside the house... 🙁
Actually for me he is not a man...Sorry
subhaanallaah, of all the posts about cheating, yours is the most sad.
i just dont understand why a man would ruin the life and feelings of a new muslim woman.
i truely hope Allaah will replace him for you with a much better husband who fears Allaah regarding you.
Allaah ma'ak
i would advise you to leave him, for he has dilluted your bed, it will probably be with you for the rest of your life, and you may never the sweetness of his bed again
Allaah yasir amrik
Since this is not d first and u are not sure about d sincerity of his repentance, my 1st advice to u is to involve his parents and/or d relatives he respect d most. Narrate to that all what he has been doing to u (from A to Z). Also involve ur parent (begining with mother then ur father). . . . The solution to ur problems will take shape from there. . . . .. . . . Ur story is too sad to here
As'Salaam Walaikum sis.
I really feel 4 u. Allah puts us all to the test and we must pass before death touches us. Your husband is to be blamed but its a shaytan promise. For us woman,we are given power to endure pain and no man is given that power so be patience and remember Allah. Allahu Tala has the best answer.
My personal opinion would be that if i were u i would have grab that woman hair and drag her naked to the street and beat her to death lol but the country do not allow the pratice to happen in public or private. Next time he does this fooliness again- pour petrol on him LOL that shoupd probably do the job!
Wahida
Sister im sorry for what u r going through
Marriage require trust , respect,commitment, from both the parties
Well he has broken that agreement
As it can be said "once a cheater always a cheater" but that can be generalizing
Some repent truly , while other cheat again
Well sister it depends on how big your heart is u may "forgive but never forget"
But its upto u sister "leave hin or forgive him"
I might sound mean to say this, If I caught my husband with someone else oh there is no way I'll give him a chance I would let him gooooo, specially you saw him at your own house that is a no no . That image will always be with you. Good luck I'm sorry to hear that insallah Allah be with you.
You should not live with such a sinner...I mean you have nothing to with this..It is like living with a robber..ye know what I mean? You need to divorce him and remarry a pious man..I mean nothing good will come out of this marriage... Also islamically a man is stoned to death for zina, \think for married men it is worst..Just think he is dead to you..He won't be a good father and it is not good for your children..Also the relationship is now strained already..You won't be able to trust him anyways since he has the tendency to cheat on you..Allah knows best how many times he has cheated on you..This isn't where you can say, oh my yes I forgive you! Also he has always been defensive about those messages, meaning he was already a liar..How can you trust him? Just because you found out you think he'll be honest in his apology and stop cheating on you?
If worst comes to worst, such men apart from cheating blame their wives for not giving them enough attention....I feel sorry for you but don't overlook this as if oh it is ok, he will only think things have gotten better for him and now he might cheat on you with more precaution...I mean he didn't have enough shame to cheat on you before, what makes you think he'll stop? Ask this yourself! You think now he has gotten some enlightenment all of a sudden from heaven that after he says sorry he won't do it again.... This will only make you miserable and affect your mental health and much more...
I know how you feel!
I just found out last week in this holy month of Ramadan that my husband has been cheating on me and we have a little baby girl who is 2monthd old! Such a shame! I do love him but as he already knows how much and how harm it is to cheat on his wife, he still cheated therefore I have asked for a deviorce and I pray for a better husban inshallah! It did hurt me but life moves on babes and he might not be the one!
Good luck to you and me 🙁
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh
May Allah give you a better husband. I wish all our Muslim brothers and sisters who are victims of this would have hope in Allah so they leave their spouses for better spouses. These adulterers can marry each other.