Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Having to choose between my parents and husband???

Muslim woman, alone, lonely, thoughtful

Hello... I am in kind of a dilemma.
I am a 21 year old Muslim girl who got married at age 18. My husband was overseas and when he got his visa, he came here (I was 20). These 10 months were very, very hard for me as every little thing was a problem between us. Small things made him angry at me and I was always upset, crying, sad, and basically giving up on life. I love him very, very much and I know he loves me. He wasn't working because he was supposed to study for his exams so he can be certified healthcare professional here, but he studied on/off. I know his stress was basically him not able to find work, and thus, unable to care for me.
Then, he decided he wanted to go back home to visit his family. He told me he would be back very soon and so, he left. This was a legitimate thing; his mother was having surgery and wanted to be there for her. This was a month ago.
My father came to me and asked me if I wanted a divorce... I said "yes". I got married back home so the divorce would have to take place there. Now, the past few days, I am regretting issuing the divorce. My husband and I speak in secret and he is really, really upset and doesn't want me to leave him. I love him very much and he loves me too. He told me that he will take care of me and all of my expenses. He will take care of my every need. He's a certified doctor back home. I'm still in college and I'm thinking of just moving back home and going to do Pre-med there. My dad told me I have only one day to decide to leave or stay.
If I leave, I can't see my family anymore. If I stay, I can't see him anymore. I am torn.
I have to choose between my home in USA, where I WON'T see the love of my life ever again... or go back home, and not being able to see my family... Also, my family does not like him... but my in-laws love me very much and I love them... help 🙁


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6 Responses »

  1. For a girl, home is where your husband is. Do not divorce your husband. If you do, you'll end uo marrying another guy and you'll have to keave your family behind one day or the ither. A girl has to leave her parents behind. So why are you having second thoughts? Go with your husband. Having a loving husband and in laws is a blessing! Thank Allah for it. Your husband is a doctor. He has a bright future. He will start earning good money sooner or later. Do not make a mistake of leaving him ever.

  2. I have to disagree with the last comment.Don't leave your parents.. they know what is right for you and clearly he is not from the start you had problems. Only bcuz you married doesn't mean you are trapped and have to stay with your husband. Lisen to your family and leave him he sounds toxic and if you don't respect your family wishes how do you think you future will look? If you have problems in the future don't cry to them bcuz you will..HOME is where your parents are

  3. The world is not perfect, but you have to become your own woman and start your own loving family. I think the best choice is to go with your husband eventually everything will work out and you can make everything right with your parents. You will NEVER lose your parents no matter what. But if you lose your husband you most likely wont get him back.

  4. Women all over the world make a huge sacrifice when they marry. Men make a sacrifice too but often not to the same extent.

    Women in Islamic marriages will traditionally move to wherever the husband is because he will be the breadwinner and his earning will be the bedrock of the financial aspect of married life.

    It is tradition that the girl moves to where the husband is and it should be to her own house or if not, a small apartment will do. However when the marriage is of a muslim girls in the USA/UK/Canada etc to a guy back home, tradition is thrown in the dustbin so that the guy can go abroad with a visa to earn more. Unfortunately what happens as a result is, the man is unhappy, feels like a weak person often being a dependent and this causes problems in the marriage.

    The problem is the two faced nature of people in this scenario. If it were the other way around, you'd have moved to the USA without a 2nd thought, but since it's from USA to I'm guessing a sub-continental country you're hesistant.

    As far as I'm concerned, the desicion is straightforward, you move to where your husband is. If you're having doubts, then I'm afraid you're not ready for married life.

    Both a man and woman when they marry need to commit to each other. Now that doesn't mean go and live with your in laws because Islams recommends you have your own place, but it does mean living in the same house as your husband.

  5. OP: My father came to me and asked me if I wanted a divorce... I said "yes"....Now, the past few days, I am regretting issuing the divorce...Small things made him angry at me and I was always upset, crying, sad, and basically giving up on life.

    What kind of certified doctor is your husband? One of the reason your husband may have married you to get a US visa/citizenship. Make sure he has a medical degree acceptable in US. He may not be able to pass exams and get internship required to practice in US.

  6. Aslaam ualaykhum

    I know this question is a few months old but I will offer my opinion. I, personally, would say to anyone if they are made to choose between never seeing their parents again or their spouses again then, unless the parents have always been bad parents, always choose your parents whether they are in the right or wrong. I offer this advice because I know what human beings are like and in this day and age even your spouse may screw you over.

    Yes there is a hadith where the man is supposed to prioritise his mother and wife her husband but you must realise that not all hadiths are authentic as they were written many many years after Muhammad (pbuh) passed away so many hadiths are fabricated. I only accept hadith that go in accordance with the Quran and nowhere does it say in Quran that man should prioritise his mom over wife and wife prioritise her husband over her parents so I don't accept that hadith.

    Honestly sister your parents don't sound bad at all compared to a lot of Muslim parents nowadays so I personally would recommend you choose them.

    I always said to myself that if my wife and mother or father had an argument then I will side with whoever I feel is right but if I had to choose between divorcing my wife or never seeing my mother again then I would divorce my wife.

    Up to you what you do but I think you should choose your parents.

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