Is he allowed to keep me as wife for the sake of our child or should I ask for divorce?
Assalam O Alaikum,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have a son who is six years old. His marriage with the new wife was forced for the reason that she got pregnant before he married her. As a mother of our son I did not refuse or ask my husband not to marry the second wife because I believe that killing the unborn (4 months baby) was a sin. So they proceeded to the marriage. Also during that time my husband and I have been having marriage problems because he was having an affair. So, two years after their marriage; my husband suddenly told me that our marriage is just for the sake of our son who was only 4 years old then. I couldn't leave my son so I tried to work out hoping that my husband will change. Two years on and I feel that my husband will not change and I feel that he continues to have an affair because he is in Kuwait and we his two wives are in Lebanon.
Is it allowed for him in islam to keep me as his wife only because of her son? And since this is his reason, does it mean that in Islam I am not married to him only in papers? And if I am still his valid wife in Islamic religion what are my rights as a wife? Finally should I get a divorce or will I be punished by Allah for leaving my son?
Angelina.
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If you feel unhappy with your husband then you don't have to stay. In my opinion the signs are quiet clear he committed ZINA. (a major sin which he needs to spend time repenting not searching for more wives. You can't have your son growing up around someone like him it would have a bad influence on your son. You can hope that he will change but change doesn't happen quickly change takes time its a gradual process.
Allah would understand if you left your child to your husband or anyone else you trust for the sake of your son if you thought it is best for HIM. But its best if child stay with his mother if mother is capable to care for him and give him love.
Whatever you do,bless you Allah
Salaams,
I am not understanding what you mentioned about being punished by Allah for leaving your son. Sister, if you want a divorce from your husband (which is totally reasonable given that he committed zina with the lady he impregnated and married as a second wife, and you STILL suspect he is being unfaithful while out of the country), you can take your son in your care. You don't have to leave him to your husband to raise, and quite honestly I think he would be better off with you if your husband is having trouble setting a good example of what a Muslim man should act like.
If you want a divorce, you can ask him for one. Islamically he only must say "I divorce you" or something along those lines, and then you have a 3 month waiting period (iddah) begin. If he doesn't take you back as a wife during those 3 months, you are divorced and free to remarry. If he has never spoken those words to you so far, then you are currently still his wife and still have all the rights upon him that you ever had. These include for him to provide shelter, food and clothing to you and your child, kindness, respect, and general caring treatment as well as any sexual needs you have to be fulfilled.
If you decide you want a divorce and he refuses to give you one, you should be able to seek a khula from your local magistrate. Just so you know, Allah doesn't see divorce as a sin, even though He may dislike it. He won't punish someone for getting a divorce, especially when it is justified (as it is in your case with the infidelity). The idea that people are sinful for divorcing is a Christian/Catholic idea; and the idea that a couple needs to stay together "for the sake of the kids" even when everything else is horrible is a western philosophy in my understanding. Islam has allowed divorce for many cases, because marriage was never meant to be a form of hardship or oppression.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor