My husband betrayed and lied to me; I don’t know what to do? Please advise me according to Islam.
Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life.
Assalumalikum,
I am a 20 year old girl married to a 22 year old. We got together and married very quickly a few years ago and I understand now this was wrong to do and a mistake. However, we had been living together for about 6 months when I found out that 2 months earlier his ex had given birth and he had been to see the baby at the hospital. When I confronted him about this, he denied it at first then finally admitted it. It was hard for me to take in as I was pregnant and had only found out a little while ago. I felt betrayed and hurt. He only seen the baby a few times and now refuses to have anything to do with it; the baby's mother does not want him near the baby either. He says he only has 1 child, my child. I can't get it out my head however and can't seem to forgive him for not telling me knowing himself that I was pregnant?
He is very immature and was aggresive when I was living with him so I am now living back with my parents with my little girl. He wants to work on our marriage but I can't seem to forgive him for what he did and can't stop thinking about this other child. I have been thinking about asking him for a divorce, although he has said he won't give me one. I am not sure what to do as I am young and don't want to live with an aggresive controlling liar, but he is my husband after all! I was wondering in Islam what I should do? like I said I can't seem to forgive him for the other child and have so much anger for him because of that. Please help with some advice?!
Thank you 🙂
Muslimgirl 7866.
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Salaams,
You said that after 6 months of living together in marriage, you discovered that his ex-girlfriend had a baby two months previously. So basically, she had the baby 4 months after you married. For that to be the case, that would mean she would've gotten pregnant about 5-6 months before you got married. I can understand that you are mad at him for keeping a secret from you and deceiving you, but on his behalf maybe he did so because he figured that he was done with that relationship, and perhaps didn't even know his ex was pregnant by him until after you two married. You can hold him accountable for lying, but you really can't get mad at him for something that came out of a relationship that was over before he married you. It's not the same as if he cheated on you and got another girl pregnant WHILE married to you.
That being said, if you feel that you cannot continue in the marriage because the trust has been broken beyond what you can repair, and you have a distaste for his agressive/controlling ways, then you have the Islamic right to seek a khula if he refuses you a divorce. With khula you will have to return the mahr he gave you at the time you wed, and there will still be an iddat- although it is not as long. If this is what you want to do go to your local imam and find out how to get the process started.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister Miah,
I don't think Amy condoned any of this mans behavior, she is addressing the situation after the fact. He had a girlfriend, she had a child by him and now...his wife finds out. He lied, he most likely didn't know what to do. No one is making excuses for this man's behavior here.
It's not about him committing zina, that is not in dispute...for that, he is truly guilty. He will be accountable for his actions to Allah for certain. Amy is offering her kind advice here and her thoughts as many of us do on this website. If his wife cannot find forgiveness for his past actions and finds she can no longer trust him, then she has the right to seek divorce. Period.
As a mother myself, I think the focus should not only lie with the wife here who is devastated by the actions of her husband but also on an innocent child who is in the middle of all of this. I do hope this couple can work to find forgiveness and try to make things work and if not, divorce is an option. No sin there.
I have read Amy's post over and over again and her kind and thoughtful advice was nothing short of sweet and honest. I would like to know from your perspective what you believe Muslimgirl should do in her current situation? What Islamic advice would you give this sister here? Maybe you might shine a light on this situation from your own perspective.
Salam
In this situation i think a divorce would be the best solution because he has broken one of the most important things in a marriage which is trust and by her post it seems to suggest that he doesn't care about the child with the other women which shows how little respect he has for her a women goes through a lot of pain when she gives birth to a child he should try and understand that he made the mistake he needs to take time to repent and the wife deserves a better role model for her child so she deserves to be with someone more trust worthy!
opps sorry sounded a very harsh in my last comment there i am very very sorry! please forgive 🙁
Walakium Salaam,
My dear sister "Muslimgirl7866" I would first advise you to CALM DOWN.
He made a HUGE mistake for having premarital sexual relations
with that woman and I acknowledge that. However if this was done
two months prior to your marriage then he probably feels
its in the past and wants to move on.
Divorce truly is not an option here. I don't understand why
divorce has to be the first thing on people's minds when
their marriage hits the rocks. You MUST exhaust all the
alternatives and leave marriage as a last resort.
Too many people in America get divorced.
Too many Muslims in America get divorced.
If this trend continues it will have a devastating
effect on the future of society.
Studies have shown that children that grow up
in broken homes often are more angry, aggressive,
mean and cruel. Imagine if this becomes a
pandemic and 1 out of every 5 Muslim divorces.
Society would be on the brink of chaos.
Every marriage has its ups and downs.
If he provides for you and wants to make
your marriage work GO BACK to him and
forgive him and start a new life.
There are too many single parents out
there.
Marriage is supposed to be about love,
mercy, compassion and to fill that gap
of loneliness you feel in your heart.
I mean has everyone forgotten that?
do yourself a favor and
FORGET his mistake.
Never underestimate the power of
forgiveness. If you as a Muslima expect
ALLAH (swt) to forgive you then
why will you not forgive??
FORGIVE HIM GO BACK TO HIM AND
DO NOT DIVORCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR MARRIAGE
SISTER.
SALAAM ALAIKUM.
she has a right to divorce if she wishes its her choice!
Muslimgirl,
Let him work hard to show you that he can and will step up to the plate and be the man you thought him to be when you married him. Let's face it, he screwed up. The other child is his no matter how you look at it. I will pray for you and your husband to move on together and find forgiveness. I will also pray that your husband will contribute financially to the well being of this other child. He may not be in your lives but as a child myself who grew up without my father (he walked out on my mother when I was two), it has been something that has affected me all my life. I am not young by any means...I am 49 years old and I still hurt from the pain caused to me from my father, by his absence. So to you I say, even if your husband is not involved with this child's mother...I hope that he will support the child in any way that he can. If that means a small amount of money each month, so be it. I hope he just doesn't walk away as if this child does not exist...it's just wrong. This is a huge problem in society...men making babies and walking away. I hope you encourage your husband to be a stand up guy and be there for this child whom he helped bring into this world. May Allah bless you, your daughter and I pray that every time your husband sees you and his daughter, he realizes what a blessed guy he is.
Salam
Asalaam alaikum,
This advice isn't purely Islamic, but if you you were capable of handling your emotions, perhaps you should contact the other woman. Why? Because you both have children from the same man and those children deserve to know one and other. This may also act as an avenue of getting to grips with your marriage situation and inviting your husband back into your life. He must feel ashamed for not fulfilling his fatherly duty to the first child, so if the two of you women can, perhaps you all can form a strong bond of together.
Legally and Islamically, he has a duty to fulfill the other child's needs, but emotional needs may be the greatest asset he can provide for this child and yours', as well. I know it's not something easy to do, but in talking with the other woman, you will probably find that you two are experiencing a lot of the same issues with raising children and there's common ground for the both of you to build on. Your husband will have to start acting a lot more mature though, but as his wife, I think this is an opportunity that an be positive, Insha'allah.
Yes, it requires swallowing some pride, but as a mother, you will find that this lesson in patience may be the best course of action. If you end up working everything out with your husband anyway, the other child and mother will probably become present in your life at some point. You might as well take the initiative now.
With duas,
Professor X
asalamu alaikum sister muslim girl
We are all chidren of Adam.And all children of Adam commit sins,but the best sinners are those who repent.
As prophet(s.a.w)said(whoever,if a person sincerely repents to Allah,then Allah will except his repentance and forgive all his sins) if your husband regretted the sin he committed in the past and tries to be a better husband for you then there is no harm if let go the past and forgive him.As you know we commit lot of sins everyday and when we ask Allah to forgive us He will be always there to wash our sins away and forgive us.
Divorce is not always the best solution for marriage problems and especially when you have children.It might affect the children and they may lost.Every child is proud to have both of his parents by his side to provide him love,care and shelter.How bad the children feel when they see their parents fighting or separating from each other.As I had a friend who always calls me and cry to me on the phone because her parents are fighting everyday.there are many wise solutions to be taken rather then divorce.
If the sign of repentance appeared in your husband and he tries to work on your marriage then you must try to forgive him and do not preoccupy with this matter,you may cause a harm to yourself and you may become sorrowful and make the door open for shaytan to cause dissension between you and your husband and so the family will break up and the children will the first victims.Divorce is halal in islam but it is the most disliked halal by Allah and it is the best work of shaytan to separate a wife from her husband.As prophet(peace be upon him)said(The lawful thing which Allah hates most is ''Divorce'').Divorce might be a better solution some times but it also leads to many corruptions.
Dear sister you should ponder the Hadeeth narrated by Jabir(R.A) that the prophet muhammad(s.a.w)said (
Iblees(Devil) places his throne upon water,he then send detachment(for creating dissension)the nearest to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension,one of them comes and says,(I did such and such,And he Iblees says,(You have done nothing),then one amongst them comes and says,(I did not spare so and so until I separated him from his wife,(i.e he caused him to divorce his wife.)And Iblees(Devil) goes near him and says(You have done well).[muslim].
And sisters if you keep on blaming this brother for his mistake you may help the shaytan against him who may lead him go back to his past sins.Abu Hurayrah(R.A) narrated that a drunken man was brought to the prophet muhammad(s.a.w) who said 'beat him' Abu Hurayrah(R.A) said 'some of us hit him with our hands,and some with their shoes,and some with their garments.when the drunken man was leaving(after they finished beating him)someone said to him; ''May Allah disgrace you' on that the prophet(peace be upon him)said ''Do not say dont help the devil against him'' [Al Bukhaari].
Therefore muslim girl forget the past of your husband because what happen had happen look to the future of your daughter let her have a happy life with both her parents around her.try to cooperate with your husband with righteousness and piety.
Be patient with him and give him a chance to be a better husband and a good father for you and your lovely girl.Advice him as much as you can try to show him the right path and pray for Allah to guide him as he may become a better practicing muslim thanks to you.And Allah will be very pleased with you and shower His blessings upon you in this world and hereafter.
And not to seek divorce from him just because of his past sins we are all human beings and we make mistakes.The prophet(peace be upon him)said(''I swear by The One in Whose Hand my soul is(i.e Allah) if you do not commit sins,Allah will replace you with other people who will sin and seek His forgiveness,And Allah will forgive them'').[Muslim]
Whenever we commit sins Allah never punishes us He always give us a chance to ask His forgiveness and become better muslims.So please dont choose divorce give him a chance to repent and become a better muslim Inshallah.Try to be honest with yourself think for a better and wise decision.
salam sis