Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is suicide the only way left?


Suicide is not the answer.

i would like to share something about me that Allah has been kind enough so far not to tell anyone and has kept my secret...

i was about 15 years old when gay ideas started prevailing my mind... i was considered one of the ideal children among my family and am still considered as Allah has kept my secret and decided not to show the real monster side of mine to the surrounding world... i was as innocent as an angel throughout my childhood up to 15 years of my life... i hardly knew about sex... zina and adultury was far too wrong for me to think about... the level of my indifference was that i used to think a legal sexual activity after nikkah even haram back then... i don't know what had i done wrong over the course of those years that Allah decided to punish me with the most devastating punishment yet known to me... i suddenly used to fancy gay thoughts... knowing not a bit about it back then...

time passed and i grew up and developed into a proper gay... i had intercourse as many times that it can't even be imagined... and worst of all... i've been in this sin with none other than my own cousin... i am 18 now... soon to be turned to 19... my conscience has repeatedly warned me about the outcomes... but i was forced into this by my fate at an age i hardly knew it was a sin but now as i do know the severity of my condition i've become addicted to it...

i've seeked for repentence as many times as u can think but Allah does'nt love me... if he would have had loved me He would have never let me put myself in this situation... and as i do seek His help since 3 to 4 years the answer is still no... with me being repeating the process of shamelessness and tawba... i've read somewhere that homosexuals will be lifted with the nation of loot (a.s) on the day of ressurection... the question is... if Allah were to punish me by this way... why did'nt he born me with the nation of loot(a.s)... why am i being left to disgrace the holy ummat of my prophet peace be upon him... i might not be an obedient worshipper but i know i was'nt bad enough to punish with this grave sin... all i am doing by living my life is increasing the pile of my sins that Allah won't forgive for sure... i just don't want to end up with lootis... i love my prophet(s.a.w)... but i know i will not be able to show my face to him and ask for any appeal of mercy from Allah...

all i know is that death may be the one and only solution to put an end to all this once and for all... i've seek repentence many times and asked for death in case my tawbah gets accepted but the answer is still a no... i just want to end myself and put an end to the shame i will be bringing to myself and my family on the day of ressurection infront of Allah and my all dear prophet peace be upon him


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10 Responses »

  1. Firstly, Allah doesnt put us into the situation, we put ourselves into sinful situations. We have free will, I think you need to work on yourself in terms of therapy, I think you need to be able to forgive yourself, you're a human and you will make mistakes. Build on yourself in terms of taking steps away from men and mentally reprogramming your mind to enjoy what is permissible, I would find a good islamic counsellor this problem is deeper than just asking for tawbah, which is important but no suicide is not the answer. You sound young still, so you have lots of time to change the direction of your life, in sha Allah

  2. Dear Bro
    I would like to say it is all nafs on which u have workout and now nafs is ruling over you so to make your nafs towards good deeds the only way is Imaan . There is Jama-at Muslim Sunni people used to go different mosque for 3 days or 10 days or 40 days or 04 months for the purpose of dawat.If you can't find those mosque and people do join them for 10 days or 40 days for the first time than go to that mosque every weekend they will explain you.Than I am sure u can control your nafs 100%.

  3. Oh my dear .. you're in a delusion. Satan has been deceiving you , is harming you by his weapons.
    You see , you recognised that you did wrong , Satan knew that nd you are going to make tawbah, Satan knew it nd that is why he is continually deceiving you , making you feel the severity of the sin .
    My dear , I would say many boys do get in these activities at such younger age , this happens often but this is all due to ignorance and lack of awareness.
    What you did , was because of unawareness, but now you are aware . You have the conciseness. Allah swt has enabled you , he has blessed you to know the severity of this sin and thus he wants you to clean yourself , make tawbah but Satan is there stopping you.

    What's done is done , don't look back , don't ruin your present because of it . Allah swt love those who repent and turn to him. Whatever the sin is , zina , homosexuality, shirk, kufr , Etc they all will be forgiven , Allah promised us that if we are true nd sincere in our tawbah , he'll clean us . Trust your Lord , trust his promises.
    Allah is ALL merciful , what makes u think he won't forgive . Why r u doubting his mercy.
    Beg for forgiveness. He made you , he'll understand you. How many times he has remembered man of forgiveness , how many times he has invited all mankind to ask forgiveness . Because he knows that his creation is going to sin again nd again . Small or bigger , his creation will commit sin . Committing sin is not that much to be worried , but not regretting nd seeking forgiveness of Allah swt is a very weird thing.

    Allah swt promised that he is forgiving to those who'll repent nd will keep doing good things so don't worry about these depressing things that Satan has entered in your mind.
    Satan is depriving you of tawbah , he doesn't want to see you close to Allah swt.
    You've to forget all these nagative thoughts and believe that your Lord is merciful nd forgiving , you just need to shed some sincere tears , pray tahjud , give sadqah, raise your hands in dua , feel him , feel that he's so close to u , he's watching you , you are in sajdah as his sinner slave , who has wronged himself in ignorance , accept in front of him that I've did a mistake , I sinned , I wronged myself , I m worthy of the blame , I ruined my aemals ... but still my Lord , I'm here . I'm here infront of you to beg for forgiveness, your rahma has give me the courage to beg forgiveness , your mercy empowers your anger , you forgive everyone , you r a forgivver, you forgive every sin , It's your promise that you'll continue forgiving the sons of Adam a.s as long as they keep repenting ., I beg you alone i worship you alone , I'm ashamed if what I did m I'm ashamed from the depth of my heart , you know me better than myself , you know I'm dying out of shame, guilt , you know my heart .. and I beg you to forgive me , pardon me ,love me , accept me , I'm such a mess but still I want you my lord , Help me.
    And just cry your all heart to Allah swt , cry in sajdah.
    Leave the rest to Allah swt , you don't need to confuse yourself now that has Allah swt accepted your repentance or not , these all are tricks of Satan. Leave this to Allah , you don't need to be the judge. Allah sees your heart nd your sincerity , think good about Allah , thinking wrong or bad about Allah is a sin itself , be positive about Allah at every situation no mater how deep you've feel , he still loves you , get close to him , make dua , beg him , Nd live rest of your life clean n pure , nd do what Pleases your Lord swt.

  4. Assalam-o-aliakum
    Brother,firstly the whole problem is only created by your nafs,Ask Allah for forgiveness and trust me he will.(InshAllah)
    you say that Allah doesn't loves you?look you just don't know that how many muslim people commiting this sin and many of a ashamed of it??
    Allah gives you a glimmer of hope that surely you will leave it!
    Now what to do?? firstly do wadu and pray 2 nafal with this attitude that iam going to stand before him who loves me much more,and cried a lot and cried on all those things you done on that..then every things leave their, the past bad memories,e.t.c. and now gain the attitude iam under a shadow of Allah,Allah loves me soo much and me to so in this way i only listen to Allah not anyone else.. so, bring positive changes seek medical help if required,go to masjid daily 5 times a day.spend some money on poor. spend some with senior citizen that met you in masjid.if you want to help people then help people on this website with your experience.and whenever the bad thought caughts you then rush to the gathering. avoid isolation it can Harm you.spend time with you family, make then very happy, and make a little enjou with friends and please far away from that cousin!!and send daily durood shareef on prophet(PBHU)!and don't you dare to even think of is rare and precious...
    So,after some weeks,(InshAllah)Allah much happy with your repentance and workship, prophet(PBHU)happy with you,family happys with you for your time, neighbourhood happy of you behaviour, friends happy with little enjoyment then finally you happy!!
    if futher problem, then also tell again!
    at last end with hadith

    Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:
    Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. (The Holy Prophet) further said: By Allah, Allah is more pleased wth the repentance of His servant than what one of you would do on finding the lost camel in the waterless desert. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand. I draw near him by the length of a cubit and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit. I draw near him by the length of a fathom and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him hurriedly.
    Reference : Sahih Muslim 2675 h
    In-book reference : Book 50, Hadith 1
    Hope that helped,
    Allah(S.W.T)knows best and guide us best!

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    Never doubt that Allah loves you - He loves all of us and has promised to forgive our sins if we only turn to Him in sincere repentance.

    We have had many questions on this forum from brothers and sisters who have shared your problem, so you might find it helpful to search our archives to read these. InshaAllah there may be replies there which can help you, and you will see that you are not alone in your test.

    While we cannot necessarily control what we feel, we have free will and can control what we do. Think of how you would want to live your life, and then identify the steps you need to take in order to get there - some will be harder than others, but all will be worthwhile. Even if you struggle, keep trying. Allah will know how hard you are trying and inshaAllah will ease your burdens so that you can succeed.

    Suicide is never the answer to a problem. Whatever sins we commit in this life, there is hope for forgiveness - Allah has promised to forgive us if we repent sincerely. But suicide is a sin that we can't repent for, as we won't be here to do so. We need to stay alive, repent for our sins and keep trying to be the best people we can be.

    Midnight,moon editor

  6. Dear brother

    It was the love of Allah in the first place that made you realize your mistake. The realization placed you at the start of a new journey destined towards the shade of Allah.

    Just think of the wonders you are going to encounter along like guiding someone lost, creating new parts of yourself like patience, humble-ness and even the power to change the world around you for good.

    A very simple prayer

    'Allahumma-ghfir li, warhamni, wa 'afini, warzuqni
    (O Allah! Forgive me, have mercy on me, protect me and provide me with sustenance).' reference : Book 17, Hadith 5
    Arabic/English book reference : Book 17, Hadith 1469

    May blessings of Allah follow you.

    Take care

  7. What???I ain't further Goin to read the nonsence. ....Allah is not be blamed humanbeings have the right to choose free will..Punishment comes to those wgo do evil...basically they curse themselves unknowing at times.....Most likely there are many questions that are to be asked ....your childhood your parents influences....because all these things are to be taken into consideration. ....Evil blackmagic spells jinns...are the biggest things affecting everybody today.The problems in the world are due to this.....The majority of muslims do not know there true purpose in life there faith who was prophet Muhammad PBUH his family what are the commandments what is halal and haram? If we truly follow and we're honest to ourselves we would be happy living and living in peace n tranquility. food success would be at our doorstep.But if a person listen to music watches t.v looks at evil ...and try to do good but is not consistent. ...then what do you expect......first you need to repent go to the sunni mosque and cry for forgiveness and start attached to the mosque and it's workshops charity organization. .attend lectures seminars etc.....Surround yourself with practising muslims .......On the other read quran daily pray your salah do not Mis. Be good and honest to yourself...Remember this body is a trust from Allah .it will be a witness for you or against you...Saying I'm fed up of life and all that talk is only but only SHAITAN talking...because his goal in life is to take you away from faith and destroy u....I recommend that you read manzil.These are selected duas of the prophet Muhammad to ward of any evill


  9. read astaghfirullah million times a day till you die

    who is most forgiver
    who loves u most still u r sinning

  10. Don't think of suicide, it cannot help. As suicide is not permitted in Islam. Do not think about what happened in the past. Live in the future, try to restrain these activities. This is happening because of Shaitan, but you are realizing what you did is wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, some big, some small, the important thing is to repent after you make a mistake. After you repent try not to do it again. Strengthening your dean will also help. The first step would be to restrain from these activities, which will make you feel better and lessen suicidal thoughts. Make dua to stay on the right path.
    Surah Al-Fatiha can help stay on the right path.

    Recite this dua which removes our depression and worries:

    اللّهُـمَّ رَحْمَتَـكَ أَرْجـوفَلا تَكِلـني إِلى نَفْـسي طَـرْفَةَ عَـيْن، وَأَصْلِـحْ لي شَأْنـي كُلَّـه لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أنْـت
    “O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.” (Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.)

    It might also help to talk to your family, as it might be easier to cope with.

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