He doubts to marry me due to my past mistakes
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asalaamuallaikum.
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah's covering from themselves in the morning. [Bukhari and Muslim
I´m in a relationship for a while and I am not sure if I should walk away. I have lied about a few things in the past and the truth came out eventually. We were suppose to move on but yet he finds himself in doubt. We have made intentions to marry but his now unsure because of the past...I´m human, humans make mistakes but he wants to hold it against me for the rest of my life even though we made intentions to marry. I think its so unfair because I have taken responsibility for my actions and moved on..I love him so much but I don´t know if its worth my life to constantly prove myself to the person who suppose to love me.
I´m confused and I need to know whats the right thing to do? I honestly think he is dragging me along till he is ready to take the next step and move on together..is that not what life time commitments is about? to make progress together??? I don´t know...I need help . shukran.
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Salaams,
Forgiveness is an essential part of Islam. Not only because it allows us to maintain bonds with other human beings when the inevitable failures come along, but because it allows us to understand Allah, who is the Most Merciful.
Everyone is going to do wrong. Some mistakes are great, some are easy to overlook, and some require everything we have to still reach out to someone in love because we hurt from what they may have done. Clearly the person you are talking about is hurting, and instead of dealing with their pain as something that belongs to them, they are blaming what you did in the past as the reason they keep hurting. What they fail to understand is that while they continue to hurt from this past incident, the event itself is over and is not continuing. There is no way you can take back what you did, and it sounds like you have done everything one could expect by repenting and moving forward in the correct direction. In order for him to move on as well, he is going to have to face his hurt and seek healing by detaching his pain (which is in the present) from the thing you did wrong (which is in the past). Forgiveness can never take place if the offended is waiting for a magical eraser to undue something that has taken place.
If he is not willing to do the necessary steps to balance your actions with his experience, then chances are when you make another mistake he will treat it in the same way. Allah wants us to be compassionate and merciful with each other, and a relationship which lacks that will lose vibrancy and life. You have a lot to think about, because you aren't even married yet. I am not suggesting to you that you call of the marriage, but if you want to continue toward that goal it might benefit you to have some counseling sessions with a therapist or imam you trust so that you can enter that union with the strongest mutual trust possible.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikumsalam! Tell him to leave u if he's nt gona trust u even u'll b punished by him 4 the rest of ur life dont let him make both of ur life hell.
Assalam O Alaikum sister eesha,
Sorry to hear about the heartache and pain you are going through in the hand of someone who you see or thought is the one, you want to spend you rest of life. I agree with everything that sister Amy has said earlier. Remember sister, you both started off this relationship by defying the rules of Allah Almighty the all knower. But, past is past and it's gone, I don't know what kind of relationship you both were in but I am guessing that it was intimate one and you may as well want to remind him that he is not an angel either. First of all stop seeing each other and repent for the sins you both have committed by being together without being in a halal relationship. Also, he should realise that if you both get married then pray to Allah (swt) for forgiveness of your previous sins then chances are that He (swt) will forgive you both Insha Allah given that you both sincerely repent.
This is one of the reason why we are not supposed to tell our past to our potential spouse and even if they ask, we can make up something and their is nothing wrong with that. Another thing I would like to point out is that you both should sit together and discuss what you both want in life because it is too important. Being in a casual relationship is way too different from being married to same person. Marriage is more comittment and we are supposed to marry someone who can help us get closer to Allah swt and help us earn the Jannah rather than going about again and again about our past. It has nothing to do with him and if he really sees the woman in you who he wants to live his rest of life then he shouldn't give importance to these kind of issues. What you did in the past is between you and Allah and He (swt) is the one to judge you on that.
So, sister don't ignore these red flags flying all over. Sit with him and tell him that what was is past and you have moved on and have repented to Allah (swt) and don't want anyone at all to remind you again and again including him. If you are not OK with it then I suggest that we should call it off and take our ways.
If he gives you mixed signals then sister, I recommend that please leave him and look for someone who will be there for you all the time, a protector, someone who you will be comfortable with, a good husband and father of your children and a source for you to strengthen your relationship with Allah (swt) which leads to Jannah. Remember sister, psychological abuse is way worst than physical abuse especially when someone keeps reminding one about their past mistakes of whatsoever kind.
I pray to Allah (swt) to work out things in your best interest with or without this guy and help you to stay on the right path. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam, Muhammad1982.
Editor islamicanswers.com
Assalamu alaykum,
It is not right for you to have an boyfriend-girlfriend relation being a responsible Muslima as this guy is not a mahram for you. So save yourself from further damage by stopping and ending it right here.
Get your priorities set. Ask for marriage, if he agrees to marry you, ask for a date to marry, make preparations, get married. If he is not ready, does not agree, does not give you a date to marry - leave the person at that very moment.
PAST IS PAST. If you repent to Allah truly, any good Muslim guy Insha Allah would be forgiving and willing to go ahead with marriage. There is no need to disclose everything. Why ruin the present using the past?
If Allah has written his name in your destiny as a husband, Insha Allah he will come, if not, Allah will make manifest what is in your destiny regards to husband, at it's appointed time, Insha Allah.
For now, repent to Allah for getting in to a relationship like this.
I wrote this to another sister yesterday, I hope you read it and understand that being Mulims, Allah should be our main concern:
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Muslim men and women cannot be in an intimate relationship without marriage. Being a Muslim, it is not right to have any "dating" or "friendship" going on. It is not right.
Why so? Is it that serious?
Yes it is. It leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah. People begin to love that person more than they love Allah. They are ready to do anything for that person, but not for Islam or for the cause of Allah. Loving someone with the love which is due for Allah only is as good as associating a partner with Allah.
165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which (they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Baqarah.
The above verse is for idols, images, in greater sence but also human worship, etc, applies to all objects of worship which a person choses to love with the love which is due for Allah only.
Living life for him/her, he/she is my everything, I can't live without him/her, all these words should be for Allah, but contrarary to this, people use it for their "love". In their ignorance they do not understand what injustice, wrong doing they are doing by adoring someone out of limits. Allah is not pleased with such acts. Yet among our Muslim youth today, guys and girls argue about "love" and "falling in love before marriage", they argue without knowledge. Satan stirs up desires in their hearts, they become attracted to someone and make that person their "goal of life" when Allah alone should be the Goal and these words should not come up in the mind of a Muslim. These are against Islamic principles.
162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.
42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal; - Surah Najm
38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust.
We should repent for falling in love before marriage. Even if we did not touch or do anything, repent for falling in love and turn to seek marriage quickly and if no marriage is happening then leave it and move on in life and hope for the best from Allah.
Surah 23. Al-Muminun
1. Successful indeed are the believers
2. Who are humble in their prayers,
3. And who shun vain conversation,
4. And who are payers of the poor due;
5. And who guard their modesty
6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
8. And who are shepherds of thee pledge and their covenant,
9. And who pay heed to their prayers.
10. These are the heirs
11. Who will inherit Paradise: There they will abide.
You have a way shown by Allah as a believer. Guard modesty, be humble in prayers, shun vain conversations - flirting/ meaningless talks on phone/ dating/ music/songs/poetry - anything which is fruitless in the sight of Allah.
Turn to Allah repentant, cut contact with this guy or any guy who does not repent to Allah. If he says yes - I am talking of marriage at home- Insha Allah, I shall inform you of whether I can marry you or not by xx-xx-xx date. But if he does not do so, I doubt intentions of such a person. And even if he is serious, as per Islam, there can be no dating/friendship between you and him without marriage. If he is continuing it, being a responsible Muslima you should stop him and yourself from this right now.
So turn to Allah repentant and Seek His help. He knows you best and He alone will make it manifest at the right time what He has written in your destiny.
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Hope the advice helps.
Salaam,
Your brother,
Munib.