Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arranged Marriage and Parent’s pressure

marriage nikah arranged forced

My parents have always made me feel like I don't make wise decisions. On to prove that, I chose a guy (with parent's permission) who turned out to be not a good match. Right when it was over, my parents pointed out that I never make good decisions and made me talk to a new guy. I did not find him attractive at first. But I knew looks doesn't matter, so I end up talking to him anyways. When i talked to him, I understood he is not a good match. 1. because he said, he doesn't follow islam rituals much, he rejected a girl because she was wearing a hijab 2. He doesn't work. He has been jobless for an year, living with parents and just watching tv. He does have plans though where he wants to do his Phd and be a professor 3. He was talking about molecular science and tv shows that he watch, where none of them interested me. 30 mins phone call I had with him was so boring. 4. I think he is marrying me solely for my greencard. His American visa is expiring in September and wants to marry someone before he get deported. When I told these to my parents, they gave justifications to his behaviors. They said, they know what they're doing. All of these faults will change in the future and they cannot find anyone better anymore because I am already old and no one wants to marry me. I will be 25 this year. I am really confused. I was adamant to my decisions, but now I feel like I am the wrong one. What should I do? Should I listen to my parents or go with my gut feelings?

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4 Responses »

  1. Don't do it! Reasons....you are not attracted to him, he is not religious, you are not interested in the same things, he does not work, and needs a green card. (That is 5 strikes against him - run don't walk) You are not old at 25, I honestly think it is better to wait and find someone else. It is better to be single and happy than married and miserable. Talk to the wife of your Imam, ask around to find someone more compatible.

  2. I agree. Don't do it.

    Just admit to your parents and let them know that yes- you have made bad decisions. But you're not going to let this be another one.

    I don't think you are wrong in this. Be respectful towards your parents and tell them why. You've thought through the proposal wisely. You've made the considerations.
    I mean, 30 mins on the phone and you were bored?? What about your whole life? How do you think you'll spend the rest of your life with him?

    I still don't understand how anyone gets married just for the immigration status. How can it be so important? Mind-boggling. Anyways, each to their own I suppose....

    Let them know that you appreciate them and you understand that they want the best for you. Perhaps, they feel that you don't value their opinion as such, which is why they feel they have to make this decision for you.
    We should always tell our parents how grateful we are for them and the things they do for us. A lot of us take our parents for granted - and only realise their importance once they are gone. No, we should tell them that we love them, each day.

    All the best
    X

  3. I would advice you to personally not involve your parents when it comes to choosing a man purely based on their ignorant mentality that they have adopted from their country. You come from a society where people get married a lot older and also where chemistry is valued more when it comes to relationships. Whereas your parents, they come from a society where people get married young and also value status more. You and your parents have different mentalities hence why they will never understand and if you try to explain it to them , it would come across alienating to them and vice versa with you.

    My advice would be sister, please don't rush marriage and pick carefully. It's better to take your time and choose a lifelong partner who will do justice for you and your future kids if you were to decide to have some inshallah. If you rush into marriage there is a high chance that it could possibly collapse within the first year and the last thing you would want is to become a single young mother,

    In terms of your age, that is not a huge problem as you're only 25 and that isn't really old. The reason you feel bad is because of the social pressure that you are getting from your family and friends with similar mentality . But you have to take into account the older you get , the less mobile you become, most likely will be raising kids during you pension years etc. And your fertality rate wont be as high as young woman.

    So there are things you need to take into consideration, but I wish you good luck with your search of a husband. May god bless you with a caring , kind husband

  4. Don't do it!!! You'll be making a big mistake. I remember a while back a guy told me that the reason he is talking to me was he needs a green card, he doesn't like the girls in U.S., he would have right away get married to a girl back home if he didn't have paper issue. I wasn't attracted to him, he had no personality, talked about nasty stuff, doesn't know how to talk to girls and was quiet and boring. I was also a little pressured...I was told things will get better after marriage. After my family met with him and I hung out with him to get to know him, they truly understood he wasn't for me, very different mindset and culture. Now after 10 years, I remind my mom of the odd guy and she tells me will at least he got married to some other girl...your still single, what's wrong with you, your picky. It hurts. I feel like something is wrong me. Every guy I have spoken to is married and I remain single for a long time at an old age 🙁

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