Proposed by a Buddhist guy who is ready to convert and accept me and my daughter from my previous marriage. What should I do?
Assalamoalikum to all the members.
I am in a very critical situation and would appreciate if you guys would suggest me what I should do? So, here it is. There is this guy who is Sri Lankan (Buddhist) and he really likes me and he is willing to marry me too. He also agrees to change his religion and become a Muslim. He says; he always wanted to get married to a Muslim girl and now that he found me, he is ready to change his religion too.
But I am still confused because this won't be my first marriage. I got married at a very young age (18 years old) and after the marriage I came to know that the guy is a psycho. His behavior was extremely cruel with me and I also gave birth to a beautiful daughter during that time. But before her birth my mother brought me home because of his violence and then I took khula through court. Now, the situation is that this guy says he will accept my daughter too and he is learning about Islam too. He says; he will convert his religion but not his name because of the document issues. I don't know he is loyal or not but he says that he won't hurt my feelings.
Please suggest me what I should do? Is it satan who is misguiding me or what? I am already very scared because of my first marriage, can't afford any risk anymore.
Angel19.
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Angel, I advise you against it. As you know, a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man. Someone who converts only for the sake of marriage is probably not sincere in his faith. If you marry him, you might find him later backing away from Islam, not praying, not really believing. We have received many questions from sisters who married non-Muslims and are in such situations.
See for example, this recent question from just a few days ago:
My husband converted to marry me, but now he says he can’t adjust his thoughts to Islam
Avoid this man and do not get involved with non-Muslim men in the future. Find a good, kind Muslim man with a good heart. Someone who is not abusive and does not have a temper.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
asalamu alaikum,
all i can say is stay away its a trap. you said "He says; he always wanted to get married to a Muslim girl and now that he found me, he is ready to change his religion too" if he was serious about islam he would have converted ages ago, not since i found you im ready to change religion.
so cut your contacts, and stay away.
ma salama
I advice you the same sister.. Stay away from him.
It's your own decision now..
Sister first of all we women in Islam are not allowed to marry non Muslim. Still I guess you can if he really convert to Islam and follow Allah(set) and his messenger.
But by reading your story it would be wise decision to cut all the contact with this man. As brother Ahmed said it's really a good point. He is playing with you and your emotion sister. You know how it feels when marriage breaks and I am sure you will think 100times before you marry again.
Sister find Muslim man there are good man who will marry you and love and accept your child.
May Allah bless you and your child.
@ brother walid, how things with you? What is your situation now?
Also, it is not just you that you have to worry about - you don't say how old your daughter is - he(or any other man you marry) is and never will be her father, so temptation to commit a wrong/haram act there between them would be very high. I always worry about sisters with young daughters to remarry while their daughters are under the same roof.
Hmm I dint think every man are going to be same true they won't be father but there are man who act like real father the child won't even realize. Just giving birth dosnt called mother or father, those who take responsibility and protect there family then it's calls parents.
wow i didnt knew in islam adoption is not allowed. hmm oh well
Islam certainly does allow adoption, but it does not take the same form as the Western model, and there are certain conditions or restrictions. Anyway, that's a subject for another post, and I recall that we covered it previously.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My sister Angel19,
I suggest you get your family or an Imam at the masjid to help you find a suitable husband, insha'Allah. I know it is tempting to try to seek out someone you meet, but this can be dangerous. That is why Allah's plan is to have help in making suitable matches. Our emotions are a wonderful gift from Allah, but our families can help look at the practical side of a possible husband, and will do their best to act in your interest.
Also, you will find comfort in prayer. Allah will sustain you if you seek His will.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
With all due respect to you, my advice would be absolutely not. You said yourself that you have been married before and you want someone to love and respect you and your daughter. I say it isn't worth the risk to either of you.
May Allah almighty send a Muslim man your way who will be a good and kind man to you and your daughter. One who fears the wrath of Allah, a real man who will never lay a hand on either you or your daughter. One who is pious and caring...loves to cook with you in the kitchen, one who never takes you for granted and compliments you for your kindness and how beautiful you are. May Allah send him to find you and to share his life with you and your beautiful child. Amin.
Salam
i appreciate all your suggestions. even i am myself very afraid to re-marry and when i got separated from my husband i told myself not to marry ever again since i was in so much pain after that. but after talking to this guy i feel different. i dont have any haram relation with him nor i meet him since he lives in the other country . we just talk general on marriage and he says he would love to change himself because before he followed no religion and now he wants to learn about islam. i know may be satan is misguiding me or something but if that is so. why did he come in my life? and why do i feel for him. moreover i never felt like this even with my ex-husband since it was a total arrange marriage and anyway his cruel behaviour makes me hate him even more day by day, and also i am worried about my daughter she is growing up and now 3 years old. she will demand for a father one day what will i say. and the way he says he is able is accept my daughter melts my heart. but still i would like to make sure that i am doing right or wrong. please suggest!
Sister, do not seek to seek justification for when you sin. You are not allowed to talk to this man, full stop. There is no buts and ifs.
You asked about why did he come in your life? Answer the question yourself.
Maybe cause you talk to man too much over the internet or maybe because satan has seen you as an easy prey and knows that getting you in this way will make you one of his companions on the day of judgement. Or maybe it is Allah testing you. Reflect and answer yourself.
You also asked why do you feel for him? Maybe because you fell victim of your nafs or satan.
Please do not use your daughter to justify your temptation and desires. If you really cared for your daughter you would look for someone who is good practicing muslim to be able to look after her.
sallam
really good responce. i thought it was ok to have online male freinds. i realise the error of my ways and inshallah i will repent and correct my behaviour
jazakallah
Are u living in d same coutry with the man? if yes, try to know more about him by wathing people he; talk with,walk with,live with relate with. and his past, i think that will help u to know what he can do in future
no we are not in the same country..i have never really met him or anything..he jus saw me once thats it..well anyway i was expecting only some good answers from here because i found that u are helping but i am not happy with YODA's response..i mean y wud i put my daughters life in trouble or why would i use her? its really hurting when people think like this. i respect that guy's feelings that's it..people who convert are better muslims than born muslims and i have seen that myself..its not any ones fault that he is born in a non muslim family,,it all depends on faith ..and i have seen muslim who are just muslims by name and they do sin, dont pray neither fast so what makes them muslim only name?
well yes im still not saying yes neither i am sure that we will marry but the only thing is he is respecting me and he wants to learn about the religion..even if he doesnt marry me but maybe because of me he will get closer to ALLAH SUBHAN then its a ajar for me too..and ALLAH will also be happy with that. i know its not allowed to talk to na mahram in islam but i dont have any wrong intentions and pretty sure what i am talking about when i talk to him not like teenagers who run after one thing only. all i can say is we should not miss any good opportunity and i am mature enough for doing anything bad. and i am not jus a girl now i am a mother too..i have seen alot at such young age..right now im 22..and i know alottt about people..how they play with the feelings and mis guide.
You said that you were expecting some good answers but I think you were more looking for some answers to justify what you are already doing. If you were really looking for good answers, then answers from Wael, Ahmed, Walid123, Nadia, Serendipity, American Muslim and Najah should have more than sufficed for you.
I am sorry if my response did not make you feel happy, but that does not make me wrong. Regarding your daughter, it is not me who wrote that by him saying that "and the way he says he is able is accept my daughter melts my heart."
I agree with you that many time someone who reverts to islam is much better than some people raised in a muslim family. This guy is still non-muslim. When and if he reverts, and that is only in Allah's hand and that will not be because of you, then you can apply this to him.
You're talking personal stuff with him and you think that it is not haram. Please dont make the excuse that you know your intentions. everybody says that and dont think that at 22 you have seen everything in life..
You want through this haram bring him closer to Allah and you say that Allah will be happy with that.
Just remove your blindfold for a few minutes and think about the situation. Think if he is really interested in Islam or in you. By the way if what he says about always wanted to marry a muslim girl is true, then why did he not learn about islam earlier and entered islam?
Sister there is nothing wrong in helping people and your intention are nit bad either but There are lots of way you can help him get him a qualified imam to help and make understand. You are ONLY 22 trust you seen NOTHING how life goes you are a mother very true even you are mature or seen a lot but to understand really between good or bad or life note my word you will realize after 10years! But it's also dosent mean if you old you are mature not true if a person is 30 it will take another 5years. By then we die still won't be able to understand the true meaning.
I will share one of my very personal story, I am also 22 I am a mother aswell alhumdullilah , my husband is very caring and loves our family alot, he work hard to keep us happy and in good society alhumdullilah. STILl I had face some problem in my beautiful married life I did post my situation and brother waseem helped me by giving good suggestion, anyways to cut it short, when I faced problem I share this with my father he is around 65 , when he heard my faults my father started to cry over phone I live in Australia, my father said one sentence which it hit in my heart
" Nadia you wanted to get married we support you your husband is 15years older then you then you said you want to marry mature guy we support you now Allah blessed you with a beautiful daughter and at this stage you made mistake with your husband I feel sorry you are my daughter didn't knew my life will show ne in my last age anytime Allah will call me and now I am nit in peace that when I will return to Allah what answer I will give that I couldn't teach my daughter right thing in right time I thought she was mature enough to judge what's right or wrong but my thoughts are wrong even I am 65 didn't notice that my daughter was walking on wrong path? Nadia turn your self to Allah make tawba cry to Allah and ask for forgiveness if you not sincere then we your father mother will be punished you seen nothing in life you will one day do not claim yourself you are mature we non are mature if we wear then we wouldn't have done mistakes"
Sorry sister if my post make you upset then I apology just felt like sharing with you.
sallam
sister i dont think your delibratly using your daughter or delibratly putting ehr into trouble. I ahve no doubt your a wonderful mother!
I do feel that you worry about your daughters future and needs and maybe are rushing into this proposal with alot of haste and something like your delicate situation needs alot of consideration.
there are many aspects
1. make sure your in a safe nonabusive enviroment
2. make sure the person doesnt use you for visa purposes
3. make sure this guy accepts your daughter, you ahve never seen him how do you know hes good with children?
4. make sure if he converts and your marry he doesnt back out of Islam , I agree that converts are better muslims that people born into muslim families however they convert for GOD not for women or marriage purposes.
5. are you really ready for marriage. you have been through so much trauma and heartache. have you really healed and moved on so you can start you life fresh instead of bringing the baggage of emotional trauma and fear and axiety into a new relationship?
6. he isnt british could you finiacially support him and bring him over? what is he cant get a job here? what if he gets a job and most of his money goes to his family back home?
im not judging you, its your life but really think about all your options. being divorced with a kid isnt the end of the world. Think positivly and think of making your and your daughters future bright. you can both have a wonderful life inshallah you dont have to sacrifice your life for a man nor your daughter, you can find someone wonderful to make you happy and be a father figure to your daughter too!
If i was in your situation i would focus on finding stability, ether persue education or find a stable job where you know you can support yourself and your daughter.
Sister a word of warning a man can never provide and sustain us. It all comes from God. And inshallah you are strong and can provide for yourself. ameen
Allah hafiz
aww sister NADIA..thats a touchy story!
I am not in a hurry to get married ..i want to establish myself for my daughter because she is reason for me to live ..i love her like anything and when i read all the other posts here i felt like leaving my question here also because all of you are experienced and good at this thing, i am not good in taking decisions..i always look upto my mom whenever i do something. so brothers and sisters u all want to say is that i should not even talk to him and cut all my contacts with him and wait for the right time to come. And tell him that if he wants to become a muslim and ask the IMAM to guide him about our religion? and even talking to men is haraam? like just talking ?will ALLAH punish me for this? my intentions were not wrong at all and only my ALLAH knows this i cant give explaination to anyone. But the world is full of so many evil people , even in my country i dont tell anyone that i took khula i just say my husband is in another country because if i will tell the truth they will take me wrong since divorce is not considered good here.
sallam
sister no one is saying your a bad person or delibratly doing bad.
for example
I have no intention of drinking and i go to a club. seems innocent. but Its haram i cannnot be there because it can lead to sin. It can lead me to fornicate or drink astakfirullah.
you speaking to his guy was innocent but it lead to quesitons about marriage and desires with a nonmuslim man which can be dagerous if the guy doesnt have good intentions or is using you becuase sister you have never met you dont know him his family his freinds, this is more risky than when you married your husband and see how he turned out!
inshallah you will get married when the time is right and when you meet someoen who cherishes you, until then just have faith in God.
Allah hafiz
Dear sister dont trust any non muslim directly, even if they make lots of promises. Let me tell you this is the common planning of non muslims now a days to trap muslim girls. Please search any muslim spouse if you want to marry. Be strong and trust allah. Why he is converting for you. Do you know this? If any one wants to become muslim then he/she must convert for allah and islam. Not for any girl.
Sister there is nothing wrong talking its not even haram, I am sure now you will have a question how come we discussing our personal think here in front if non mehram! True sister but here are million people around us shaitan cannot enter here BUT when one boy or girl alone talking, chatting or meeting the third party is SHAITAN unfortunately it is true we canny denie.
That is why it will be very wise decision to do that so. 🙂
This Life
This life is just…
An illusion,
So full of confusion,
Nothing as it seems,
A poor substitution,
This life is just…
A trick,
A momentary delight,
Now you see it,
Now you don’t,
With a flick of light,
This life is just…
A wavering mirage,
The fantasy of a thirsty mind,
Reach out to touch,
And it vaporises,
Into the desert sky,
This life is just…
A dream,
In a sleepers mind,
Beautiful or Nightmare,
Too soon,
Time to wake up,
This life is just…
Momentary,
A testing ground,
Full of trials and tribulations,
For our final destination,
InshAllah,
Jannat for all Mumin
That's pretty good, did you write that?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
no brother one if my aunt
oh well..all i cant say is i wasnt really ready to get involved in yet another relationship again and willing to study because i could'nt before so now i wanna establish myself for the sake of my daughter, but after talking to this guy i thot the world is not full of evils ,maybe there are good people too and i thot maybe this a sign given to me from Allah that i should take him seriously but u people think i am doing wrong so i believe that , maybe i Am..and maybe this is just a trap!..but i wonder why did this happen to me..now there will be no mehram for my daughter and my ex-husband doesnt even care about her. and now until she gets married there will be no mehram for her? why is that? its so painfull, she is soo small..and what will i answer her when she will ask me. just afraid of that?
and dont tell me non-muslims are making plans to trap muslim girls? oh no! thats so sad. may ALLAH has his mercy upon us all and keep all the girls away from such people. Really its soo hard to trust people nowadays..
Even my husband and his family betrayed me. He was a psycho patient, he used to take sleeping pills all the time and his parents were like, its ok if he is trying to relax! i mean all the time? and what about his behaviour with me ?cant u see that..i was about to give birth to my daughter but still he had the same attitude. Anyway i dont really trust anyone except my family and cant afford to get into one more disaster relationship. Please all of you make dua for me
thanks!
sallam
sister why do you feel like your daughter has to ahve a man to protect her? God has given her a wonderful mother who looks out for her an protects her and thinks of her best intrest. You would not have a child if God did not think you were compenat to do it, we are not durdened with things we cant handle and inshallah you will do a wonderful job raising her.
secondly no one says you cannot get married. inshallah you can and will. but were just saying this guy off the internet isnt a wise decidion. especially what youve been through its easy for a person to manipulate you. Just showing some kindness doesnt mean he will be good for you as im sure before your marriage to your ex he showed how wonderful he was before he turned out bad? its not some concpiracy nonmuslim against muslim its just your easy oray and he can be an oppertunist. im sure a foreign visa seems appealing to him?
were just saying make wise choices becuase now finally it can be your choice!
as your for ex and his family have faith becuase no one can escape the day of judgement and he will be punished. so Dont worry about all of that becuase im sure he will get what he deserves!
just focus on yourself on your future and on your daughter and inshallah youll be fine!
Allah hafiz
Sister I still think you are not happy with our posts. And it is normal I do not blame you, I think now it's time you should perform Ishtikhara prayer, you need it, and have peace in your mind.
all i can say*
If you have time watch this movie "pursuit of happiness"
Assalamualikum. :
As i think the problem is the religion and country barrier , you didn't met him even.
you should meet him face to face with your parents and check him not only by eyes but through mind and investigate him. If he was fake and lie you, then you should more cautious. If you clear that step , you have no need to hurry. Ask him to accept Islam 1st by heart as a true muslim. Check again after some months how a good muslim he is. Is he practicing Islam or not.
If you cant check him that he is honest or not and didn't met him you should not marry.
Lastly I would say that you should not marry if your parents are not willing.
May Allah bless You and your sister.
may it helps you.
Thanks
Sister what is he waiting for.. Tel him to research about islam.. Help him anywhere he gets confused.. Make him read abt islam.. And then ask him if he is willing to convert.. If yes then sister it will b a beautiful gift..
But marriage?? Dont rush into it.. I would say no but the decision is urs to make
Sister any guy can talk sweet.. Doesnt mean that he will follow his tongue.. U could look at it this way.. He is being so kind towards ur daughter and willing to accept her as his own bcoz he knws that she is ur weakness... Is he trying to take advantage? Its for u to concider...
I dont get y he wanted to marry a muslim girl but hasnt convert yet.. Y is he waiting if he is attracted towards islam? He sounds manupulating..
Hope Allah makes things work out for u.. Be it this man or a practicing muslim man... May Allah bless u and ur Child with lots of happiness..
plz stay away from him
dont accept his proposal
he just want to use u and evey he may use ur daughter to get only pleasure
of sex
plz dont ever contact him
marry again with some other good muslim man
dont ruin ur and ur daughter life by ur hand
dont marry kafir even if he say he will accept islam
Brother, you reduce the credibility of your own advice when you inject your biases against non-Muslims. Of course it is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man, and I would never advise someone to marry a person who converts only for the sake of marriage.
But that doesn't mean that all Buddhists or Hindus are evil, lecherous, untrustworthy, etc. You've expressed such sentiments before and they are rooted only in prejudice, not reality.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i wrote what is real
non muslims r playing with muslims girls
they r frauds they want to use muslim girl to have sex pleasure
they r not intrested in islam
dont u watch news
watch news see how muslims was killed and muslims girls was recently
raped by buddist
see in 2002 in india in gujarat how many muslims killed and younger. Muslims girl was
raped and burnt alive by hindus
dont u see this
Some Muslims also commit crimes and kill people. Look at Pakistan, Syria, Iraq. Muslims killing Muslims. Don't make generalizations. Some Muslim men get women pregnant and them dump them. We get those kinds of scenarios all the time on this website. Do not hate people or have prejudices based on nationality or religion. It's a kind of blindness.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor