Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Dad talking to other women, PLEASE HELP I’m depressed

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Assalamu Aleikum Wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brothers and sisters

This will be a long post but I really need advice asap because I feel like I'm falling into a heavy depression.

So basically it started 2 days ago, it was a normal day like usual. I came home from college, talked a bit to my parents then went into my room to "study" lol. Night came and I had to bring my little sis to sleep, so we were lying on my bed when I heard my mom and dad having a "playful" fight or something. This is not really important but he hurt his hand and I went upstairs to check what was going on and blabla I already felt like something was about to happen. I just hugged my dad, wished them a good night and went back to my sis who was awake at this point.

Then the worst thing happened. I can't tell for sure what was going on but my dad was yelling at my mom to give him his phone back. And I just thought he was playing again, but then they started arguing and mom closed the door so we wouldn't hear what they were saying. But I'm a ninja so I got up and got close to the stairs so I could hear better. Anyway, I just wish I never heard what she said. I wish my dad never responded the way he did. Mom was accusing him of talking to a 'girl' which is true cause he even shamelessy admitted it himself. She told him that she send the girl a message saying he was married with 3 kids. The girl apparently didn't even know he had a family.

They kept arguing and at this point I was just crying my eyes out in silence. I honestly felt so sick, it made my stomach churn. The worst thing of all is that he didn't EVEN FEEL BAD for doing what he did. He apparently also had several other women in his contacts. My mom asked him if he even realized that what he's doing is haram and he blatantly told her off and said that it's not. So my mom said that he shouldn't play with her like that and that he should decide if he wants to keep doing his sinful acts that he should just get out and cut their ties. He didn't even freaking care! He said that he would just take us (the kids) and get a new wife. My mom started yelling at him swearing that he would never take us away from her. My lil sis asked if they were fighting again and started crying.

I've literally been crying for 2 days straight and went to my lecture today with big red swollen eyes. I feel emotionally drained and I just get sick when I even look at him. And I hate myself for feeling that way towards my dad because I love him so much and he's always been such a great example for me so I when I heard about what he did I felt so betrayed. He even acts like my mom's at fault! He treats her lile crap now. I feel like it's all partially my fault because I was never the best daughter, even fought woth my mom which I regret and makes me sick just thinking back about it. I'm trying to be much better these days but I feel like it's too late. My parents weren't always like this though. They did have arguments in the past but never to this extent. I'd say it started happening when my 2nd sister was born. They haven't slept in the same bed for 5 years so the cummunication is broken too.

My little sisters are still so young but they're already seeing them behave that way, I fear for their future. I know that if he ever decides to leave my mom and marry another woman that I'll never talk to him again. This is something I don't want to happen. I don't even wanna marry anymore at this point because my dad gave me hope that there still might be good men like him out there and it turns out he's no different from all the others. And it hurts me so much, I feel absolutely broken and devestated.

I just want there to be a solution, I've been begging Allah to forgive him ever since and making dua's for our family to be at peace again, Insha'Allah.

Totoro

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3 Responses »

  1. Walaikumasslaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakathu, sister.

    If your father doesn't stop the haram relationship, then at that point, the only solution is to terminate the marital relationship, where the couple leave each other.

    Allah says in the Quran: "But if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance." (Quran 4:130)

    It's not your fault, sister. In Islam, it has NOTHING to do with you trying to be the best daughter. And about you feeling hate towards dad, then know that you have to love what Allah loves and hate what Allah hates. Let me give you an example from the story of the Prophet Nuh (as).

    Prophet Nuh (as) had made a dua to Allah to save his family from the flood and Allah had promised to save Prophet Nuh's (as) family.

    But when the flood came, Prophet Nuh's (as) son who was a disbeliever was missing from the Ark. Prophet Nuh (as) was heartbroken and asked Allah "My Lord, indeed my son is of my family; and indeed, Your promise is true; and You are the most just of judges! (Qur’an 11:45)

    And do you know what Allah said? Allah said "O Nuh, indeed he is not of your family; indeed, he is [one whose] work was other than righteous, so ask Me not for that about which you have no knowledge. Indeed, I advise you, lest you be among the ignorant.” (Qur’an 11:46)

    Don't worry about your sisters' future and your marriage, sister. It's in Allah's hand, not your father's or the people around you.

    Don't cry, my sister. Allah is all hearing and seeing. Allah says in the Quran - Surah Al-Alaq (96: 6-19)
    Have you seen if he denies and turns away -
    Does he not know that Allah sees?
    No! If he does not desist, We will surely drag him by the forelock -
    A lying, sinning forelock.
    Then let him call his associates;
    We will call the angels of Hell.
    No! Do not obey him. But prostrate and draw near [to Allah ].

    After divorce, the husband is responsible for the education and maintenance of the children. The children live with the mother till the age of Hizanat which is seven years for son and age of puberty for daughters.
    After the age of Hizanat, the children have the right to live with the father or the mother, and their opinion will be considered by the court but will not be taken as conclusive and decisive factor.

    Although divorce being allowed in Islam is a sign of the lenience and practical nature of the Islamic legal system, keeping the unity of the family is considered a priority for the sake of the children. For this reason, divorce is always a last choice, after exhausting all possible means of reconciliation.

    f a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.Quran Surah Nisa 4 :128

    Again, the following ayath is addressed to the family or the society for the same purpose of rescuing this bond, which God did not make easy to break:
    And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things]. Quran Surah Nisa 4 :35

    But, if after exhausting all methods of reconciliation, the hatred between the husband and wife is still greater than tolerance, then divorce becomes inevitable. Here comes the genius of the Islamic law, which holds practical, rather than unrealistic approaches, towards real situations. The ultimate aims of marriage, as well as any other aspect of human life, are to achieve happiness and virtue. So, when people are denied their right to end an unhappy marriage, these two aims are seriously violated. This is, as the couple will live in suffering, which may lead them to marital infidelity. Thus divorce in this case – if weighed up to the disaster of family disintegration - will be less disastrous.

    There are 4 main methods of separation in Islam:

    • Granting of Divorce by the Husband – Talaq

    • Separation by way of consent between the parties – Khula

    • Dissolution of Marriage – Faskh-e-Nikah

    • When the power of Talaq is transferred to the Wife – Tafweedh-e-Talaq

    Allaah encourages the husband and wife to appoint arbitrators as the first step to aid in reconciliation in the process of divorce. If the reconciliation step fails, both the man and woman are guaranteed the right to divorce as established in the Quran, but the difference lies in the procedure for each one. When a divorce is initiated by the man, it is known as Talaaq.

    The pronouncement by the husband may be verbal or written, but once made, there is to be a waiting period of three months ('Iddah) during which there can be no sexual relations, even though the two are living under the same roof.

    The waiting period helps to prevent hasty terminations due to anger and allows both parties time to reconsider as well as to see if the wife is pregnant. If the wife is pregnant, the waiting period is lengthened until she delivers. At any point during this time, the husband and wife are free to resume their conjugal relationship, thereby ending the divorce process. During this waiting period, the husband remains financially responsible for the support of his wife.

    The divorce initiated by the wife is known as Khul or Khula'(if the husband is not at fault) and requires that the wife return her dowry to end the marriage because she is the 'contract-breaker'. In the instance of Talaaq, where the husband is the 'contract-breaker', he must pay the dowry in full in cases where all or part of it was deferred, or allow the wife to keep all of it if she has already been given it in full.

    In the case that the husband is at fault and the woman is interested in divorce, she can petition a judge for divorce, with cause. She would be required to offer proof that her husband had not fulfilled his marital responsibilities. If the woman had specified certain conditions that are Islamically accepted in her marriage contract, which were not met by the husband, she could obtain a conditional divorce.

    Feel free to ask more questions, sister.

    Salaam.

  2. Well, it's not your marriage so you have no say or influence on the marital contract between your parents. It's up to your mum to decide if she wants to divorce your father or not.

    But it is your choice to determine what kind of relation you want with your father. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is, but I will tell you that in your shoes, it would be very hard for me to not confront my father and make him choose between his skanks and me. Perhaps it will make your father realize how wrong he is when his own children confront him and threaten to cut ties with him if he doesn't change.

  3. You might want to tell your father you know your that he and your mother were arguing about his conversations with another woman. You might want to tell him "Yes. I am young and no nothing about married life. But I know what the sunnah is and I am already devastated by what you have done. You have hurt my mother like no one can hurt her. There is nothing that the Prophet taught us that permits what you have done. There is nothing in Quran that condones what you have done. I always thought you were a noble man until now." Your father deserves no sympathy.

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