IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Assalam Alaykum

I recently told my father of a guy that I have been friends with for about 4 years. The guy and I have talked about marriage many times over the past few years and he is a well rounded individual with good deen. So now that I am close to finishing my degree, I decided to tell my dad about him. My family is from East Africa and the guy I want to marry happens to be adopted by people from the same culture. But he himself is American.

So one day, I sat down to tell my father about this guy. I didn't even get to finish a sentence before my dad said NO. I love my dad but he is very stubborn and when he has a certain belief or feeling about something he wont change his mind. He said NO because the guy is adopted. And he was very upset that he was adopted and said that the guy was trash. Astagfurallah. 🙁 My dad doesn't even know his name or anything else about him. All he knows is that he was adopted and that is the ONLY reason, he said no. He didn't try to find out if this guy was a good person or would be a good husband to me or anything.

Unfortunately, my Dad cares more about money, He wants me to marry wealthy and rich and doesn't care much about deen. I am not trying to display my father's sins but this will help you to better understand his background. My father had a very difficult childhood, his father died when he was young and he was raised by an abusive uncle. His rough past is what makes him very stubborn and hard to deal with. He doesn't ever pray and always suggests that my sisters and I remove our scarves. He also stopped my younger sister from attending her Quran school on the weekends. He does go to the masjid every Friday and fasts during Ramadan but he doesn't pray during Ramadan. My whole family has tried very hard to get him to pray and become more religious but he is very stubborn and doesn't try to improve. We continue to make dua for him Inshallah. We all have problems communicating with him. His words are like fire and every conversation usually ends up with me or one of my sisters crying.

I know in Islam a marriage will not be valid if the father doesn't agree. And I know that I could go to an uncle or a brother. But my immediate family and I live in America and the rest of our relatives live back home and I don't have any brothers. My father is the only man that I could go too. But he is being unjust in his decision making. If he had said NO for a good reason like if this guy had bad character, or seemed to be a bad person I would respect his decision. I also told my mother about this guy, and she didn't have a problem with it. But I have to have my fathers approval too. Also I have prayed Salat-ul-Istikhara many times and I feel that he is the right man for me to marry, Inshallah.

My father basically told me either I can listen to him and not marry this guy, or I can leave the household and do whatever I want. But I want to be married the correct Islamic way, I don't want to disobey my family. I want to know if there is any way I could go to my local masjid and ask for a Wali? So that way this guy could have a fair chance, that way the Imam or someone could find out about this guy and see if he is a good candidate for marriage for me and maybe try discussing with my father. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy, my father doesn't see that nor does he seem to care about my happiness. 🙁

Salam,

Hanaa.