Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband leaving for 6 years to study abroad

mercy nikah

Assalaamu Alaikum.

I am a  teenager and my husband and I live separately due to family traditional differences. We love each other very much and he sometimes gives me money to buy clothes and food for myself because my mom forces me to give her my money which government gives me for my survival as I do not work. He does not earn much so he only gives me occasionally.

My parents do not let me meet him because they do not want him to get intimate with me incase i get pregnant. He wants to have a child really badly and to become a father however he is getting frustrated because I am not giving him his right.

But if I obey him and disobey my mother she will kick me out and I cannot go anywhere because he will be leaving to go to Saudi and study his deen to be a better muslim. what should I do? I grew so much hatred for him deep inside but i only stay because i married him for the sake of Allah swt. I know he is going abroad to study because he was offered a scholarship and wants to gain ilm (knowledge) for the sake of Allah but he is leaving me behind and making that a priority when he can do that in the country we live in now. May not be the same quality as saudi but well enough, the internet is also a bonus! online courses etc.

Our families have started to make a move and now wish to bring us together and he is planning to go saudi and let me stay with family while i work and he will be gone for 6 years.

I will not have time to talk to him or anything and my love for him is decreasing so much because he always demands his rights for me to obey him and he doesnt really do much in regards to my rights. I dont care about my rights really all i want is to be with him but he cannot take me.

He asked if he should stay or go but if i tell him to go i will hate him inside but if i tell him to stay he will use this against me and it means the world for him i will feel very guilty. what should i do?


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3 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,

    You should not feel guilty about asking him not to leave. As his wife, you have the right to live with him in his home. You must speak to him candidly about how you feel and tell him that you do not wish for him to leave you, particularly for such a long period of time. Islamically speaking, you should not be apart for more than 6 months. Explain to him that if he really wants a child, he has to be around to raise it. Yes, it will be a sacrifice for him to give up studying in Saudi, but marriage is about compromise and making sacrifices. Frankly, there is little point in him studying Islam if he has so little concern for his duties towards you as your Muslim husband.

    In short, speak to him, ask him not to leave, and do not feel guilty or apologize for your request. Inshallah he will understand and accept, and be happy to live with you and start a family. However, if he refuses, or tries to take you on a guilt trip, you should seriously consider if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

  2. Is there a way he can bring you with him?

    My sis and her husband are also studying in Saudi together. Maybe you can apply to a female university and get a scholarship yourself.

  3. Salaams,

    It seems as though you don't really know if you want to be with him, deep down. I don't think the issue here is him going to study, I think you are more upset about how he treats you in the marriage. That, combined with the pressures coming from your family, are making you feel like you must escape altogether I think.

    I think you need to take some time out and really think about what YOU want- out of your marriage, out of your husband, your own goals in life. If what you have is not what you want, or getting you in the direction you want to go, it may not be the best thing for you. Being denied rights is a serious thing- whether he's doing it to you or you're doing it to him. If there is a marriage where rights cannot or will not be given, then it's better the marriage end than for the couple to continue sinning against each other and racking up punishment for themselves.

    I think you should make istikhara and give yourself a month or so to really seriously evaluate your situation. No one can tell you what you need, or what you want. Allah knows what is best for you in this life and the next, so if you seek Him in shaa Allah He will guide you to the course that will benefit you most in the end.

    -Amy Editor

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