My mother-in-law is very controlling and I want to move out but hubby doesn’t understand.
Assalam O Alaikum,
I've been married almost 8 years, two kids ages 2 and 6. For 7 years we lived on our own in a different city. Then moved to my in-laws city with a new job. There have always been issues with them and hence I was very very reluctant and scared for my marriage to live with them. Hubby gave me a option to live someplace else or renovate the house next to theirs and move there. He also expressed his very keen desire to live close to his parents as they are old. I thought I could do it for him and agreed on next door with the wall remaining for privacy sake. They objected to the wall and I let that go too.
Now the tenants aren't moving out to start renovating and my mother in law is playing mind games like hell. My husband is her youngest and only son and she's insanely possessive. There are typical issues like complaining that I don't let the kids play with them or she'll clarify something incident to him to let him know that it occurred making it look like I've been accusing them of stuff and shes just clarifying. She is irritated by my maid and gets upset if I give any task to her servants. It's Ramadan and I nurse hence don't fast. There is nothing made for lunch for the kids and I and I don't take liberties like ordering food or opening the freezer to take out stuff other then that I buy myself. I just make sandwiches or noodles etc for the kids. Physically, I am at my lowest, and if I go to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich at noon, she keeps getting up from her nap to check what I am doing and I find that very awkward.
Thing is, my hubby knows these issues and chooses to ignore them or doesn't see them as they are I guess. His way on compensating is giving extra attention to me; saying he loves me or ordering food from outside etc etc. I appreciate all that but he doesn't seem to realize how this effects and pains me on daily basis. He's saying they are too old to change and a confrontation will only lead to a fight. And now he thinks that's what I want. He can't understand that showing support might discourage her behavior or maybe he actually doesn't care and she is too important to him.
End result is hubby and I are fighting every weekend when it's time to relax together. She resents our going out on weekends and usually create some issue or fills his ears just before that, my husband doesn't even realize this.
After the fight last night he, for the second time suggested that the kids and I move back to the home city if I'm not happy and he'll come on weekends. I asked him why cant we rent a place, he said it will look bad now after agreeing to live next door. And that he took this job just to be with them. The option he has given me is move back with the kids and he'll visit on weekends or if he resign from the job and we all move back. (this of course comes with the unsaid: you will be responsible for the consequences).
I'm broken. I want to die and I would have honestly killed myself if it wasn't for the kids. I love him and he has clipped my wings by saying this. It kills me to think that he would rather send us away to be able to live with his parents then move us to a house in the same city. We had a great relationship and he knows I am crazy about him.
I feel his feelings towards me are growing cold because of the fights... He is immune to me being hurt now but can't take his mother being upset. Please help me. If we keep living here I will end up doing something drastic.
Desperatemeasures
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Sister like you said your at your lowest new baby and breastfeeding and looking after your kids it all to much for you at the moment you could most likely handle this if it was not the case, Maasha'Allah your husband loves his family you and his parents, sister in my opinion stay where you are dont go anywhere why should you and while your waiting for the next door house to be finished do not give in to the WALL between the houses no way if your next door why should you not have some privacy, and you should feel free to go about the house in the kitchen and make yourself what you need even if she follows you around go about your business be very polite to her some mothers are to much specially if its the only son. may Allah(swt) give you sabr, Ameen
sister i misread are you nursing your 2 year old? so its not a new baby? sister if your child is over 2 you should be fasting this might help you to stay calm and think of other things and maybe help with your mother in law take advantage of the lass 10 days wit dua and salat.
Hi, thanks for replying. I don't want to give in to the wall but I had to. The inlaws refused to have a wall in-between saying that it will make them the laughing stock or neighbors and servants alike. Hubby was upset but it's the same option, here together or there together or the kids n I move. Says it's worst if we move somewhere else in this city now... Anyways, I gave in to the wall issue....
My son is actually 19 months... I plan on weaning him at 23... He senses my moods and is clingy , doesn't seem a good time to wean...I am polite, I have never raised my voice but hubby's says that when I am upset with this is shows on my face so that's that anyways... Anyhow please read my other reply too... Thanks!
HI Sister,
I understand your situation.It is tough.But you are not able to control the situation/environment when u badly wanted to that.Sister n brothers kindly correct me if i m wrong - Mothers always takes the highest priority compared to wife - this is as per ISLAM.God has said Paradise is at your mothers feet.Hence you cannot help it, when your husband gives more priority to his mother and not talking back against her.
Its not advisable for you to stay alone with kids as well its not advisable for you all to move back. The best for you to do is accept this situation and ignore her.if at all if u keep fighting with your husband, your value will be going down and his mother value will be keep on increasing in his mind.Its better if you learn to ignore her and accept this.Try to concentrate your mind only to your kids and Yourself.Don't reach to her or the situation.Let his mother do whatever she wants.When you don't react to her, your mind will be in peace and you can achieve many more things.Eventually when you don't show your feelings your mother is law also will get bored and she will stop all the mind games.Pray God.Allah will never let any soul down ever.Allah is there with you and with your family.Don't despair.
Hi, yes I understand that and respect that but will that stand true in all matters? It's not about love and respect.... Will be be ok for a mother to create such stress and unhappiness? Tell me what mother does that! Oh I forget every other woman who becomes a mother in law. What she need to understand her relationship and mine are different. The love he has for us is different. I known him better now and I can't help that! By doing this she is endangering my marriage and her grandkids. I am still okay living here becausebi love my husband very much and this is but a small sacrifice , but if ONLY he would appreciate it. He loves me I know that, but he loves her more, I know that too and I have come to accept it but I can't help resenting her for it. If she acknowledged my effort or treated me with affection I know I would feel differently...
Your advise is very very meaningful. I have started doing that and for the first time praying regularly. Im a rotten Muslim with a very strong faith , strange as that might sound.
Now my hubby's totally become aloof. He doesn't reach out to me physically or emotionally. Every evening I start to feel depressed and hopeless ... When I see him after all day and the wall around him ...it starts an ache inside which either turns into a fight by bed time where I'm trying to explain and he's on defense or he falls asleep even before the kids and I , well struggle with the inner turmoil.
I'm not a great person bqut even I know I'm driving him away. I want his old self back and I can't find him. He says it's crazy stress at office (it's true) and the stress at home. I ask him to share but he can't seem to, he's like you don't know technical stuff ... I don't want to know that, I want to know how he's doing, good day bad day... Etc.... He supports me, does not tell me off because of his parents ... But we have lost that intimacy that we have been so lucky to have being married 7 years. Where he would hold me all night and share stuff and chat. Now he'll watch a movie with me or takes me out because he's feels he has to make up for us being here.... And I don't blame him... It's life... We could be anywhere and I chose to be okay and I intent to live up to my decision. How do I find my way back to him?
Just an example. At sehri I woke up at 5 am and went to look for him ( he has trouble sleeping after sehri) and we was on the table downstairs saying he and his mum were chatting... Anyways he came up and then I woke at 6:45 ... He wasnt in the bed... Then at 8:45 he wasn't back and I went and found him sleeping in a bedroom a crossed our room. Maybe irrational but that really hurt me. He said he couldn't sleep, then did some office work and was lying down in the (hot) room and fell asleep.... Am I crazy to feel insecure? Or upset at this? I was thinking seeing a therapist??? Reason, I seem to handle too much stress badly and I take too much time getting over stuff...
Thanks 🙁
What a happy sad life huh?
In Islam, a mother and wife are important in different ways. Neither one is allowed to hurt the other, whatever their role or rank. It's like you must never be rude to an orphan or a begger, merely because you are viewed by society as higher.
Sister, there is hope for you. Almost every daughter-in-law has mother-in-law problems. My mother still has problems with living with my grandmother, even though all the kids (including me) are grown up. From what I have seen, my mother sometimes takes things the wrong way. Do you do that? Sometimes she is justifiable in her interpretation, which is a difficult situation. I think it would help to make friends with people with similar problems (likely anyone living with in-laws), so that you can vent to them. Basically, I am saying to make the most of your current situation.
I think sons sometimes don't understand that to fulfill their duties as sons, they don't necessarily always have to live with their parents, but if your husband thinks he must live with his parents, it will be difficult to change his mind. Men of our culture are usually mama's boys.
Hi Sister,
I have three suggestions for you.One is how about you finding a job or doing something which really keeps yourself always on your toes, so it atleast your mind will get break from all the in-securities you are goin through.Since You have two kids(i guess you are not working at present) how about you finding some job, not just some job-some job which demands your mind and brains to be present at your job.This really helps.Make yourself damn busy.If your manger si very demanding or the work you do is very demanding of your time, you will get less time to think about all these stuffs.This atleast releases many tension from you.
Next is if you are very keen on doing islamic duties, surely your husband will notice you and appreciate you.Pray 5 times a day, keep fasting and do all the islamic duties you are bound with.Surely Your husband will turn and look at your "New You".The respect for you inside his mind will surely go one level up.Even your mother-in-law might get jeleous of your new spritual growth.
Last is how about you try to get jelled up with your mother-in-law.I mean some buttering you could do and you have to get along with her if you have to enjoy your life.As you know "GIFT always works with ALL people".You have to keep giving gifts to her.You have to get very well along with your mother-in-law irrespective of her/your liking towards each other.Buy her lots of gifts.Speak nice things about her to your kids.Praise her always.Help her.Only then she will be considerate of you both and will let you guys have your life also.
Hi
I know this post is old but can I ask what the outcome for you was 'desperate measure'I am in a similar position myself. And ready to tear my hair out! Only saving grace is I see my family regularly and have a strong faith but I am still stuck with my dilemma as it's very difficult for me! Help!