Infidelity of spouse; should I carry on with a spouse who doesn’t even love me?
I am having one problem in my life. I have got married to a Muslim girl, ours was a love marriage but unfortunately she cheated on me. She was in love with one boy earlier to me; she even had physical relationship with him. She told me all that before our marriage and I accepted it as her bad luck and told her to ferget the past and start a new life with me. After 4 years marriage life and one son as our sole child now she says that she can not forget her ex-lover and she still loves him.
She said all this things in front of other people whom I know and some I coincidentally know. She also says that she has my habit that's why she is staying with me not because of love for me. I seeks your advise that what Islam says about this condition where a woman is legally married to man but still is not faithful to him at heart. Is it wise to carry forward this type of relation where one person is bearing other just because of fear of society and relatives, while being unfaithful to him at heart?
Haroon 1974.
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Ugh. How awful. And why would she say this in front of others? La hawla wa laa quwwata il-la billah.
The Prophet Muhammad (sws) said that if a man had a valley full of gold, he would desire two valleys. Some people are like this when it comes to love and relationships. They are never happy with what they have. If your wife's relationship with the other boy was so great, then why didn't she marry him? Probably because it was not so great. Most likely there were problems and fights and she was quite unhappy.
Now she is with you, and if there is any difficulty in your marriage her mind casts back to that other boy and she imagines she still loves him and would be happy with him. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, as they say.
Give her what she wants. Divorce her and let her go back to the other man if she likes. You cannot stay in a relationship with a woman who tells you outright that she's in love with someone else. Get rid of her, but keep your son with you if you can.
May Allah guide you to what is best, brother Haroon. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You can't separate a child from his mother the mistake she made was before marriage not after.
There's a reason why Allah created women more emotional so that they can play a loving and nurturing role to the child. A father cannot replace the mothers role.
I mean can you imagine someone taking you way from your mother. just think how pain it would bring to her heart. A woman's child is more precious then anything in the world her love for her child is far greater then the love she has for her husband.
The brother knew that she was with the man before she married him but he forgave her and put the past behind him. so why is he bringing back the past I'm not trying to sound insensitive or anything its kind of his fault he knew that she was like this but he allowed his emotions to lead him to this marriage with this women. If he was a great man himself wouldn't he have allowed himself to fall in love with her.
(I'm not trying to justify the sisters behaviour or anything but i'm just pointing out the obvious)
A son needs a father, in my opinion. If the mother goes back to her ex-lover, how will he treat the boy? He certainly will not love him as his father does.
Brother Haroon is "bringing back the past" as you said, because his wife says she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend! That is intolerable.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mistake 1. Wife disclosing her active-emotional-love-feeling towards her ex to her husband. Wife should have kept it LOCKED >.<
Mistake 2. Wife disclosing her marriage affairs (relates to intimacy) to third persons
Solution: Anything that is Islamically right for the husband, the child and the wife, should be acted upon. And, whatever be the final decision of the husband, he should deal with it patience and kindness
May Allah (swt) help us to make just and fair decision in this life. ameen.
To me, it's more than a mistake. Anyone who says such a thing to her husband either wishes to hurt him, or has zero regard for his feelings, or is ready to be out of the marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@brother Wael,
Agree
Salam,
thank you Bro Wael, I didn't thought that we would agree one day...
But I agree you 100% in this case. This girl in this story has no kind of respect and should go to her "EX-LOVER".
Dear wael
There are brothers who do way worse then this sister who openly to try and hurt sisters thats because one sister did confess her feelings about her x-boyfriend does not mean that she was trying to hurt him. I mean how do you know the sisters intentions. Maybe he provoked her by saying some hurtful things to her aswell. (Allah Knows)
Sameerah, that may all be true. But I can only go by what's mentioned in the post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
From my understanding, yes, guys most often gets away with their unforgivable acts, whilst most likely than not, girls won't get away. This is indeed not a fair thing, but inshaAllah, there will be justice in the hereafter.
However, being said that, just because of the double standards in our society, it should not mean we should be unjust to this brother in question, who wants an Islamic solution to his case.
one more thing you guys have not acknowledged so-called love marriages start off in a haram way,meaning two people of the opposite sex start a relationship or interact with each other with the neither of the boy or the girls parents knowing. Which is completely and utterly haram. Haroon isn't so innocent as many of you may think.
Usually the couple focus on the love part that they forget about the compatibility side of things. Which is why the outcome isn't always great. Just look at the stats in the west we have the highest divorce rate because of so-called love marriages.
so you don't have my sympathy brother haroon.
P.s.its true what they say love does make people blind.
Asalaam alaikum,
Why in the world is everyone so eager to beat upon this guy? I don't know what he said to her to make her say those things, if he said anything at all, but it's still inexcusable what she would say in front of others. And yes, if she told people about her feelings, it would naturally hurt and disgrace him. That's the consequence of doing it. For example, no one can sit and say, "I'm sorry for intentionally smacking your face, but I didn't meant to do it." I don't what is with the logic floating around on this topic, but it seems absolutely devoid here.
I don't know what his definition of a "love marriage" is, so why do people pull their sympathy and accuse him of haraam, when he was the one who actually married her and took her into a halal marriage versus the haraam relationship she had in her past?
Pull back on the anti-male atmosphere for a bit, please!
Professor X no one is anti-male here.
Just saying ,surely the brother must of had some doubts going through his mind himself when he married her as he knew that she had been in a relationship before she met haroon and fell in love with him.
Everyone's definition of a love marriage is the same its not that complex a love marriage is basically when two people develop feelings for one another before they get married. That kind of love in islam is haram outside of marriage because it involves the man to interact with his non mahram which I personally think takes alot of courage because mingling with your non-mahram is not the Islamic norm.
You sound like one of those women who think women can do no wrong and it's always men. Just now with "Maybe he provoked her by saying some hurtful things to her aswell" - it's always the mens fault yeah? Women are so golden ain't they? Give some proper advice.
I get the impression that the mother cheated once after marriage as well as having pre-marital relationship with another man.
"Ours was a love marriage but unfortunately she cheated on me."
If the sister cheated and then mended her ways that is one thing. But to go and claim she is in love with her ex etc is certaintly not leaving the past behind. It is also extremely disrespectful. Put yourself in his shoes. If your husband (God forbid) cheated on you once and then embarassed you by claiming he loved another woman in front of people then how would that make you feel. Pretty rubbish right? Yes its possible there could be more to the story but honestly if everything hes written is true it goes without saying - he should let her go and pursue whatever she wants and find a woman who will remain loyal and faithful.
Her behaviour is disgusting. This is my opinion only.
And love marriages themselves are not always haraam. Its the way they are done which is haraam. Provided boundaries are stuck to, halal love marriages are possible and who knows, maybe the brother did pursue it in a halal way. We shouldnt assume and it doesnt really add much does it as its not relevant to the question.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
I was under the impression that the 'cheating' took place before the marriage, but during courtship.
I took that to mean that the "cheating" was with the same ex, albeit before marriage, because then he says....
The final part carries the implication that there was no physical cheating during the marriage. I could be wrong, but this was my perspective.
On the issue of the anti-male vibe:
There are brothers who do way worse then this sister who openly to try and hurt sisters thats because one sister did confess her feelings about her x-boyfriend does not mean that she was trying to hurt him. Double standards.
Again, double standards.
Haroon isn't so innocent as many of you may think.
Again, this is based on what supposition? Did he say that they were involved in haraam? No, but everyone uses the definition of "love marriage" to bash him.
Ever heard of "benefit of the doubt?" It's usually considered a virtue by the vast majority of people. And it was made valid when she agreed to marry him. He offered her marriage, she accepted. That "acceptance" plays a vital role that you ignore. It symbolizes commitment, free will and the promise to love the person who you marry.
On love marriage:
Developing feelings for someone during courtship is not haraam. That's the whole basis of courtship. Do we like each other, do we get along, do we agree to love each other, etc., etc.? Some people do fall in love, but it's the actions that define the nature between good and bad. If you've ever legitimately courted someone, it's human nature to develop feelings of affection, but you must watch your limits. The intention is to marry and knowing that, people will discuss things that cause feelings to develop. Again, this is not wrong per se.
Imagine two people who say, "We feel absolutely neutral and/or cold towards each other, so let's get married." Ridiculous, right?
Islam says that there must be attraction at first, for example. Why? Because the spouses should feel pleased to look at each other.
If the proper Islamic avenues are followed, then this is fine. However, those avenues involve parents, wali, or other supervision. This is why everyone I know who followed a sound policy, developed a likeness and affection, which could be 'love' to some, to the person that they married.
If the brother followed those avenues, then there is no blame on him. Why you are so vehement to say otherwise when you don't know?
God forbid if my husband did do that then It wouldn't bother me I would just try and guide him back to the right path.(after all its his sin not mine) I'm not gonna divorce him just because of one silly confession he made.It would destroy the family unit.
Actually, based on your own logic, it would have been your fault anyways.
Asalaam alaikum,
I concur with the sentiments above. The last thing most men would want is a wife who not only feels this way, but makes it publicly known. The latter is a sign of great disrespect and heartlessness.
In short, you deserve better and believe me, there is definitely a better emotionally faithful woman out there.
May Allah (swt) grant you patience and His refuge in this time.
He made the decision to marry her even though he knew she was like this so technically its his fault.
Divorce will do more damage then good he should just take a second wife.
Asalaam alaikum,
Technically? This isn't a law interpretation of love that we are examining: it's a marriage and the sincerity of the heart. Read the post. He asked her to move on from the past before they married and by marrying him, that was her signal of agreement to do so.
I'm not sure how staying married to her would benefit either of them. Are you saying that sincere love is not important in marriage?
Look ,generally speaking love is not the fundermental basis of a marriage its just an emotion which lasts for a small period of time its mutual respect ,trust ,communication and other ingredients which make a marriage successful.
Asalaam alaikum,
And her "confession" to the public shows that all of what you just mentioned isn't present or within this wife's capability. How is taking another wife going to solve that, by the way? You don't have to answer that, please.
I honestly don't find any of your points succint.
Overall, I say the wife is wrong for sharing the 'delicate' part of their marriage life matters to outsiders (even that behind her husband's back).
I agree
Okay your right I guess the sister does need to re-evaluate her life. I think its kinda selfish of hers for being so inconsiderate of her spouse.
And also your right sincere love is very important which is lacking in most the peoples marriages around me.
Dear brother
Assalamualikum
My advice divorce her. But don't keep the child with u coz though she is not good with you but best for your child.It is my request. Coz every mother love her child. As I am mother , in my mind i m thinking i can live
without my husband but can't live without my baby.
The mother was busy with another so why leave the son with an adulterer?
She was with another man whom she was in love before she married him. So technically she did not cheat on him.
She did however commit zina which is a major sin.
your reasoning is very irrational. it seems like in your head you're trying to defend someone that you know personally who's been in the same boat.
marriage is what is a legal relationship in islam not the boyfriend. marriage is the ultimate reality.
i guess you didn't read carefully.. their marriage was also a love marriage.
scroll up and read my other comment above
no way am I trying to justify the sisters actions.
Asalaam alaikum,
Do you proofread your arguments?
You just blamed the husband instead of her by your "technicality." Thereby, justifying her actions.
There are brothers who do way worse then this sister who openly to try and hurt sisters thats because one sister did confess her feelings about her x-boyfriend does not mean that she was trying to hurt him. I mean how do you know the sisters intentions. Maybe he provoked her by saying some hurtful things to her as well.
There's your second attempt at justification of her behavior.
She was with another man whom she was in love before she married him. So technically she did not cheat on him.
Once she accepted his marriage proposal and married him, she was emotionally cheating if she still harbored feelings.
Your rationale is absent of fundamental reason.
Salaams Brother,
I cannot comprehend your need to think anymore about this and just do as above said. This woman is utterly disgraceful and how can it be tolerated that she speaks publicly like that? Simply divorce. However completely DISAGREE with advice about leaving your son with her.
That is your child too and you should want what is best in terms of what pleases Allah. How can your wife be regarded as a decent role model for your child? She is an adulterer. If she cared for your child, she would never had cheated. I'm sorry but shocked that you have tolerated her infidelity already. This marriage will ultimately destroy you because you will never receive what you deserve and you may end up ruined and bitter.
Insha Allah you do the right thing.
They weren't married before so it doesn't make her adulterer
There's a difference between zinayan and adulterer!
Salam,
this is the damn reason, why should have searched for virgin, who didn't love someone else.
And still people are telling us, that's not important.
IT'S Important like we see in this story...
Let her go her way and find a pious wife
D, there is no need to curse. By the way, being a virgin is no guarantee of future fidelity. Everyone was a virgin once. The best guarantee is taqwa.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Bro,
yeah you are right, but I don't mean technically virgin, I mean islamically virgin, who wasn't touched by someone and doesn't do things like chatting and so on, because in 80 % of case they get unfaithful. And it's really hard to find someone with high Taqwa. Some people (I know not very close, but I know them) are reading Quran, pray five times, BUT they violate the rights of someone else. This is nothing than hyprocrisy for me...
I hope everybody of us will have the chance of asking the people we hurt for their forgiveness.
And this is the problem Bro....there are some many hypos...you never know.