I feel like a bad husband due to my past actions
Assalamoalaikum
My story is very sad. My dad was a gambler and bad husband to my mum and not a very good father to us. I don't want to go into the details. I was very shy and reserved as a child and very close to my mum. I always dreamed of becoming an awesome husband when I greew up and not be like my dad. But when I was 12 my maternal uncle passed away and my beloved mother and my sisters went overseas to her relatives for 2 months. During tthose 2 months without my mother and sisters I was alone and sad and began to think of romance and sex and things like that. I started masturbating. I realised it was haraam. I repented and did Ghusl. But it was too late. It had become a habit. I would repent each time but fall into these sins again. I gave up repenting and got into the habit.
My mother returned from overseas. I had still not given up that habit. I felt guilty a lot of the times but not guilty anymore at other times. This cycle of sinning and masturbation went on and on. One day I went to the park [when I was 13/14] and I saw a phone number written on the toilet wall for free male-to-male sex. I took that number and started chatting with gay men and I tried hooking up. I kept on repenting each time but I fell into the practice again. Finally I managed to slow down my masturbation and decreeased it significantly. I would stop for months at a time but then fall into the evil practises of masturbation, pornography and gay sex for a week. I felt sooo guilty but at the same time I was always thirsty for sex. I felt REALLY bad. Until finally I stopped after 5 years.
I gave up these evil practises but I was always scared of falling into the haraam again. I took testosterone-lowering drugs. when I turned 18 and shifted to another country.
When I was about to get married, something was really bothering me. It was the fact that I was not a virgin [I had had gay sex multiple times in the past as a teenager]. I was STI-free but I was imensely sad and guilty about the fact that whichever girl who I would marry me would not have a virgin husband. This fact bothered me a lot. I had no desire for another woman besides her as I did not have any sexual desires for another woman. I was monogamous when it came to women and proud of this fact that I would never hurt my wife by cheating on her or getting a second wife. For me, my relationship with my wife was to be a romantic one, with sex not being the main factor.
My mother had been patient a lot with my father and compromised during their abusive marriage. I think I learned compromise and patience from her. I always had a dream of being a really good husband to the woman who would marry me. I compromised a lot in our marriage and I loved my wife a lot. I helped her with the housework, tried to be as romantic as possible and always treated her and her family kindly. She loves me a lot and thinks I am really kind, loving, compassionate and supportive. However though I am happy with her, my past as a teenager always haunts me. I still feel guilty. I feel as if I have cheated on her because she doesn't know of my past. I feel very sad that she was unlucky to get a non-virgin husband, however good he may have been to her. I fear I am a very bad husband.
I repented long ago. I simply feel intense guilt and sadness that I did those sins in the first place. I feel soo sorry for my wife that she did not get a virgin man. I never deserved her in the first place. Even when sinning, I felt really guilty and would repent but then I would fall into the same trap again and the cycle would just go on and on. I feel I can never be a truly good husband to my wife despite the fact I gave up all those sins years ago.
Ansarloony.
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Asalamu alikum brother,
I understand what you are going through and my advice to you is that;
1. Should not speak to your wife about your past as it is permissible to disclose sins when Allah has hidden it and also it may result in your wife having bad image of you.
2. You should Allah more than your wife and repent a lot and try to do many righteous deeds as good deeds erase bad deeds.
3. Avoid thinking about your past by making yourself busy with dikr and doing activities you enjoy with your friends or family
And Allah knows best, barakhallahu feek
salam br Ansar,
It is good that you feel guilty about your actions. you should keep repenting to ALlah to forgive you. it is best your wife doesnt know about.
guilt shows that you have relized you have sinned and inshallah will not go back to it. Mashallah you sound like the perfect husband to your wife. she is very lucky to have you indeed.
let me tell you something brother my husband was a virgin when i married him. he was very pius never looked at another girl prayed all the time. i thought he was perfect for 7 years of my marriage. then gradually he changed into the worst person. a comple monster. living with him was hell. now im going thrpugh a divorce inshallah. all i can think of is the bad things he did to me.
i would rather have a non virgin husband who sinned prevouisly and repented and become a good muslim any day.
because what matters is the present, how the person behaves with you now. so forget about the past its history, treasure the present and secure your future;-)
Salaam brother
Everything done in the past is between you and Allah, you do not need to tell your wife all this.Dont but do never go back to that life.You asked Allah to forgive you and you changed.That is all Allah wants you to do.You are a good person now we all done somthing wrong in our life.Keep the past the past.Just dont go back and Allah will forgive you.
It's not the end of the world at least ur not a rapist relax n keep ur wife happy n ur self as well
Salaam Brother.
Maasha Allah you feeling guilty is a sign of having a good heart, because so many people sin and feel no remorse. I know the past can hunt us and make us worry but remember it is the past, and please don't reveal a sin Allah has concealed for you. You are a good husband as you describe yourself, and that is what a wife needs. Try to be a good dad insh a Allah. If you have not cheated on her then stop worrying. May Allah wipe away all your worries and give you so much happiness.
Assalam o Alaikum my brother,
Firstly,i would make it CLEAR to you that you are not a bad husband,you concealed your sin and that is where you are being obedient to your lord's order. Never ever tell your or anyone else about your past mistakes and sins,because Allah has ordered us to conceal our sin,Allah has told us,if we conceal our sins,he will conceal it on the day of judgement,make us confess all of them and then he will forgive. So don't expose them to your wife and keep the purdah that Allah has put on your sins.
Secondly,you feel guilty,you don't do the sin again,and if you've repented then you must have promised not to return to the sin again,And you also asked Allah for forgiveness. Then why are you worried? This matter is between your lord and you,don't worry,Allah forgives all sins,
Allah says, "Say: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah : for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'" (Az-Zumar: 53)
He again says.
"And whoever does evil, or wrongs his own soul, but afterwards seeks Allah’s forgiveness, will find Allah is Forgiving, Compassionate."
Except those who repent; have faith and do good deeds, those Allah will change their sins for good deeds. Certainly Allah is Most Forgiving, and Merciful. (Sur'ah Furqan:70)
This is what Allah said after He the exalted mentionaed the gravest sins of all,Shirk,Illegal sexual intercourse and Murdering. How forgiving our Lord is.
I would prefer meditation,fasts on monday and thursday,do lots and lots of good deeds,Always be good to your wife,no matter what you did in your past,you're a better person in the present and i believe in the future too.
May Allah forgive you and give you patience 🙂
Ameen
Wassalam.
your sister and well wisher.
Asalamualikum wa Rehmathullahi wa Berakathuhu
In islam if a husband /wife is cheating in the sense illegal intercourse. then their punishment is stoning them to death .. if they are not married and if they do illegal intercourse then their punishment is lashes .. but for a married person tawba will not be enough their tawba is not gonna get accepted .. but if a husband/wife has doubt that they are being cheated then there must be a solid proof and in islam the proof of intercourse is eye witness 4 men should see their intercourse ..and in case of women 8 women should witness their intercourse this is the only proof in islam rest all proofs like messeges, phone calls ,mails, letters are not valid in islam... without eye witness you cant blame them and if you coudnt not find any witnessess then you can continue with them .. but if they have done this severe sin and their husband/wife are not aware of it ... then remember Allah Subhanatallah is not blind he is aware of evrything and surely he has kept a severe punishment for you .... betrayel in marriage is severe and its punishment is also severe
May Allah Subhanatalla guide Ummathi Muhammad (saw) on the right path Ameen ya Allah