Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I divorce or stay in this marriage?

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid

I am married for 20 years, My husband has always been a smoker and into weed. I only found out after marriage. I initially thought i would get him to stop when I got pregnant but he never did, He says he enjoys cigarettes too much. We both work as professionals and have had busy jobs exams etc to do over the years. I had my first child after 4 years of marriage and once I got pregnant my husband acted as if he was revolted by me and wouldn't even give me a hug. After I had my baby I found him on porn websites with other women regularly. I tried to throw away camera after camera and talk to him but nothing helped. Over the years he has lived in a different city for a few years coming home once or twice a week. He is intimate with me about once every 12 to 15 months. I have never been able to attract him again. We did have a second child because I thought it will be better to have 2 children and for them to have the same father.

After I had a first child my husband started to spend time with his bachelor friends staying out till 2 am once or twice a week. He has done weed very regularly and most likely does more as he is always angry, jittery and ready to fly off the handle although I am told weed makes people quiet and mellow. He has beat me and bruised me and said extremely cruel things regularly but I didn't leave him initially because I was working and it was safe for the children to be with their biological father if i was away for work or exams. He drives dangerously and has regular accidents but somehow is always safe himself although I wonder if anything happened to him I would be released of my situation without blame. Obviously I have not loved my husband for 16 years.

Now at 16 years of cruelty mental and physical torture he has started to guilt trip the children. I have always put all my efforts into the kids and they are good muslims praying 5 times a day etc.

I am now so sexually frustrated that i feel I may do a sin. I have even looked at another man and feel bad. I talked to my husband and he offered to have occasional sex with me if I dont interfere with his drugs or going away for the night once a week.

I am now in my 40s and depressed that I am loosing my looks and faith. My husband has never been able to satisfy me because he says he grew up watching porn and intimacy is always awkward between us.

My father knows a bit about our difficulties and suggests we seperate not divorce. I am worried that wont solve my problems as I am now at the end of my tether and at risk of doing a sin.

Should i take my husband's offer of occasional intimacy while he continues his life his way and no longer tries to control me by regulalry accusing me of affairs I never had etc

Or should I leave him and pray that I find a better man despite my older age and 2 grown children

Please help me find answers I have been very depressed for a few months

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11 Responses »

  1. Sister I urge you to leave this marriage and divorce as your father suggested. There is life after divorce I assure you. Your children deserve a better life too. I was in similar situation.

  2. Aselam u alaikum,

    I'm sorry to hear that you've had to deal with so much problems in your married life. May Allah grant you happiness and make things easier for you.

    It seems that this 'marriage' is not working out for you. It is physically, sexually, emotionally and mentally frustrating you. It is safe to say that it is not good for your health. Please remove yourself from this toxic situation, it is not good or healthy for your or your children. And you should not have to go through an abusive husband who does not have control over his addictions.

    By giving into his nafs, he is not only ruining his own life but 3 others.
    You've tried really hard to bring him on the straight and narrow so that he can sort out his life, but, unfortunately it did not happen and he is messing things up. But do not let him ruin your life or your childrens'.

    I think your father's advice is definitely worth a try. If you separate - then it is possible that he may feel your absence and your children's and it may affect him, inshaallah. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! ❤️
    If this does not work, then consider divorce. It is not fair on you or your children to tolerate such stone-hearted and cold behaviour. Perhaps, he is a good man, but his drug and porn addiction is wrecking his life like a whirlwind and you are being sucked in.

    And Sister, please remember that you have a right to love and be loved! You deserve to be in a marriage where you give and take and it is emotionally satisfying for you. You do not want or need to be in a loveless marriage. So simply, don't just stay for the intimacy. It is possible that you may find someone who deserves you and makes your life a bed of roses again. InshaAllah.

    Why do you feel that you will not find someone because of your age and children?
    There are lots of caring and wonderful brothers out there who wouldn't care about these things.
    Some sisters find true love in their second marriages, third, forth or later on even!
    I know many sisters who have left abusive relationships - with a lot of hesitation and worry..to only find them self being in better positions! There's nothing to say that you won't. It's just culture and stereotypes- that don't hold any value unless we let them.
    Tawakkul alAllah. Trust Allah and HE is Ar-Razzaq, the Provider and the Sustainer. He is the Just, the Wise. He will Provide for you, and look after you.

    Ultimately, the decision is yours. I wish you all the best.

    Your Sis in Islam
    X

    • Your married life and your relationship with your husband is your trial.
      Everyone has their own trials and battles to fight. One person's trial might be his health whilst another's could be financial whilst the third's could be family, etc.
      Please still say 'Elhamdulilah', because your situation could be a lot worse. (This should help you deal with this situation mentally, I pray - as well as being a way to help you not fall into deeper/ severe depression.)

      Everyone has their own trial- but Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear. So turn to Allah and pray that he gives you strength and guidance through this difficult time of your life.

      You will be In my du'as, Sweet sister.
      X

    • Hi roses,

      Well said.

  3. Assalamualaikum.....
    Dear sister @Damselindistress..

    May Allahu swt reward u for ur patience for being patient enough all these years...

    Allah has blessed every single soul with a beautiful body... there's no question of cross checking his creations.....
    U don't have to struggle to attract him....u r beautiful in every way... coz ALLAH has designed u....at this point of age.... ur looks shouldn't be a curse to u...u have a job...kids.... getting physical is just a pleasure for that instance.... think about the woman who are widows.... young widow girls who remain unmarried for the rest of their lives.....(No intention of hurting u or putting u down sis).

    It may be coz he feels his anti social practices are more benefiting..... wat do u expect from a person who abuses substances... he will never be in his conscious state of mind... he will be flying away from his responsibilities... he won't be a care taker... U CAN NEVER EXPECT any positive THINGS FROM HIM.. his behavioural issues may be due to substance abuse....

    A person who is addicted to weed and cigarettes... it's difficult to bring them back to a normal track... takes time I meant....whilst he should be determined to quit.

    Ur thoughts of getting into a different relationship... is quiet a confusing thought... wat is the guarantee that this new person will satisfy ur needs...(please dont do that.... there won't be any meaning left in ur 16 years long patient waiting)

    Emotionally ask him.... talk to him.. wen u feel he's oriented to time place and person.....(i mean- wen he's awake),,,. wat does he expect out of this marriage... ask him.... is he not setting an example before his children.... don't u expect to be treated as a human...above all.... ask him weather he's aware that he is aging and angels of death can knock at his door any time... isn't he not ashamed guilty?

    If he's still rude and adamant......
    Involve some committee heads and ur parents...
    Give ur husband a warning...
    If he's not bothered about the financial responsibilities then.... all of the above can be thought of...

    As long as he's taking care of the family's financial responsibilities....then u have patience.... return to Allah... Allah loves u 1000 times more than ur mother... No one in this world loves u more than Allah alone...... u will find more peace wn u live to please the Lord...
    Forget about the world... do ur responsibilities... and find pleasure in worshipping the Lord... believe me... it cleanses and purifies ur heart... u won't even be bothered about this worldly pleasure any more...

    May Allah bless u...Ameen...... He is the guider and supporter.... invest ur faith in him.... give the rest of ur life in making the best of it to the aakhira....

    *JazakAllahu khairan*

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    Step # 1:- Give him ultimatum of 1 Month.
    Step # 2:- If he fails then separate without divorce.
    Step # 3:- If he comeback and commits to change, then start living with him again and give him another chance, and tell himhim that you wont tolerate bad behavior anymore.
    Step # 4 :- If your separation doesnt bring any positive affects, go for Khula (Divorce).

  5. Divorce. End the miserable life you have and move on without this evil man. The Prophet himself married divorced women. Be a good example for your children. Take care of yourself; be healthy. Take care of your hair, teeth, and weight. Be healthy. The 40s is not old. There are thousands of older divorced women who are beautiful having wonderful lives, some even remarrying.

  6. Assalamu alaikum Sister,

    I know the pain of this but I chose to eradicate the guy out of mine and my children's lives, as he only brought harm. I know of that hang up of 'who would have me?' in my circumstances. However you have to give yourself a break. The fact your children are already grown up should make it easier as they are independent of you.

    In such instances, it's all or nothing. This man has failed to fulfill his role as a husband and I doubt as a father too. He is a slave to his desires and he consequently enslaved you to a life devoid of respect and pure love.

    There are two types of pride; self-respect and arrogance. I would rather be alone and undisturbed, than have an insult offering of a sympathetic and short-lived fumble. This is a base act and would render you in a worse position emotionally. How can people engage in such activities, if there is no love. If you are on your own you won't be concerned with these matters. However, his disgusting porn addiction is only going to make you feel worthless.

    Forget separation and head straight to divorce. Show that you mean business and you will no longer tolerate his evil ways. You are in the same household yet already separated long ago.

    Focus on yourself and your duty to Allah. As you will have been damaged from this marriage, you need to repair and improve before thinking of making a life with someone new. Refrain from bad thoughts about other men or just leave them as thoughts, as we are all human. Remind yourself you still have so much favour from Allah.

    May Allah guide you rightly, Ameen.

  7. Hello sister, i encourage you to leave this marriage, you have 2 children go and live a good life with them and forget your good for nothing husband.

  8. AOA,

    Sr in your account I do not see any grounds for divorce. But desperation is an option you should consider. Why?
    We live in testing times.

    1. I do not see anything here that tells me that your husband have been through any treatment program like anger management? He should take a course in anger management to start.
    2. There are Islamic sciences that deal with these issues and he would be able to get help if he wishes. Convince him to learn about nufs and how one can control one's nufs. Controlling the nufs is a key Junnah
    3. Why should you close a door for halal intimacy? May be he can change in the future. Or if you do not find any body else in near future at least you can talk to him as your wife if not be intimate with him.
    4. Do not worry about his habits. Drugs, weeds and porn are becoming a global issue. Its not easy for most people to overcome temptation.
    5. Separation will give you time to heal yourself. You can be with him if you desire plus if you are sharing custody of kids you do not need a third party involve.
    6. Get professional help on how to over come physical and drug abuse. You will find that information handy for your family including for your kids.
    7. If your family can in future find another spouse for you. Then you should think about divorce.
    8. Every day your kids are getting older once they are old enough your husband will not be able to abuse you in their presence so this part could be taken care off.
    9.Conclusion: Separate for now. Learn what you need to lean to help yourself in your situation. Get your parents to help you find a potential spouse. Then assess the situation as to what is the best course of action.

  9. Get a divorce already. Not only is your husband abusive towards you, but he's also working his abusive "magic" on his children, and setting a horrible example to them with his haram habits. they should have to grow up with a father like that just because you are desperate for sex. Because from the sounds of it, that's the only thing you'd need a man like him for: Sex. I'm sorry, but that's not a good enough reason to stay in a toxic marriage for. Especially when you have children to consider.

    You have already wasted enough time on this man...he's not the only one in this world, you know. people find new spouses all the time, so why shouldn't you be able to do it?

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