Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wishing death for my abusive father

She ran away because she was oppressed

Assalamualaikum,

I have these very wrong  reoccurring thoughts due to some issues.

I am a 19 year old girl living in a western society, wearing the hijab and now attending university.

My father has always been very conservative, and very strict. Growing up he has always always been really scary and no one can go against what he says. I feel like I have no freedom, my self confidence is to the ground and I always feel depressed. I have had thoughts of suicide MANY times since I was younger, and I have even self-harmed a couple times.

Getting to the main point... I have been wishing for my father to pass away just so I can have some freedom. He has wronged the family so much that we are always living in fear, never knowing what will happen if any of us make one mistake... I especially fear for my mother who has lived a very petty life because of him.

He doesn't make any income and is too power hungry. He controls my mother and all my siblings including me to the point where we can't do a single thing. I'm just sick of it. I hate the hijab with a burning passion and since I was in grade 4 I have wished to take it off (which I secretly did and still do sometimes) but I can't even think about speaking to him about it. My mother works all day and has to come home to spend time with my dad who not to mention takes all her income and "manages" it. My mom feels miserable as she doesn't even have friends because she has no freedom either. My dad is very disliked. He can't even keep a single one of his own friends.

I am not someone who would want to go out to clubs, drink, sleep around or even wear revealing clothes. All I want is to be happy, to be able to be myself. I just wish my dad was gone... That way we wouldn't have to suffer. My mom wouldnt be miserable, and I could live some of my life before getting married or settling down. I want to go out with my friends to the mall or to eat and have fun. I love Islam and Allah so much, but at one point I hated being Muslim, and doubted my religion.

I know these thoughts are very haram, especially wishing death upon my dad. Sometimes there is only so much one can take. Please help me with what I should do. I don't want to keep on having these cruel thoughts, but then again I want to take my hijab off, be myself, see my mother and my younger siblings happy. I don't want to live fearing for my moms safety or being afraid that at any given moment he may snap. I mentioned before that I had younger siblings, which means I can't contact social services or leave the house since I fear for their lives including my mother. I have an older sister who ran away also because of my dad who almost beat her to death once. I have grown up and decided that if anything gets too serious then I will call the police. Even so I just want everything to be over.

Please help.

LJSILL


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18 Responses »

  1. Hi,

    I had a father similar to yours and trust me not a day went by that I didn't wish death on him. Then one day my parents were separated and a month later my mother emotionally black mailed me to get married in my fathers absence. When my father heard I was married he was heart broken but my mother kept saying pray he never comes back otherwise he will ruin your marriage. When my mother said I cried to Allah for my dad to pass away. A few days later my dad who I hadn't seen for 2 years at this point passed away. It has been 7 years now and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I cry to Allah for forgiveness and would give anything to just see him and talk to him one more time. I always thought I hated him but when he died and I couldn't even go to his grave I realized just how much I loved him and how much I hurt him. Parents are not perfect they make mistakes too. I now at 31 years old realize that they forgive us for soo much hurt but why are we not able to forgive them. My husband and his family is really abusive towards me too and I now know that if my father was alive my husband would never dare hit me and swear at me. That's what a father is. No matter how he is, he is our protector and he really does love us. At 19 I know its hard to understand but one day you will understand that he is the way he is due to his life circumstances and not because he didn't love you. If he yells swears and hits you, you smile, tell him you love him and cook for him. Trust me only love can fight hate. May nobody have to learn what I learned the hard way. Ameen.

    • I will say, pls listen to this sister....

    • god bless you, and change your husband!

    • "If he yells swears and hits you, you smile, tell him you love him and cook for him."

      ^ This is very harmful thinking. You should NEVER condone abuse, regardless of who it's from, parents or not.

      "Parents are not perfect they make mistakes too."

      ^ There's a world of difference between simple mistakes and downright abuse.

      "My husband and his family is really abusive towards me too and I now know that if my father was alive my husband would never dare hit me and swear at me."

      ^ At 31 years old, you should really grow a spine and stand up for yourself if they're abusing you. Don't rely on anyone else to protect you.

      • Sister Vivian,

        You say:

        "There's a world of difference between simple mistakes and downright abuse"

        This is so true. Everything is relative to the test being given an individual, and to this sister, her dad's abuse was a "mistake." It is so sad but the abused tend to have to "stretch" definitions in an effort to survive.

        Nor

      • Are you’d serious that’s so stereotypical go and cook for him no wallahi! You tell the police it’s not right. Also women in the kitchen isn’t a part of the Quran it’s tradition, a nasty tradition that NEEDS to be changed and I plan on doing something about not just carrying on

  2. Salam
    i think nina describe her situation perfectally. I am totally agree with her point of view about parents. I pray for you
    Ameen

  3. Have a read of my previous threads, I am in exactly the same position as you except I want my dad not to die but just change and then hopefully die because I don't want him to be punished by Allah.

    At least you were allowed to go university and your mum can work, my mum doesn't work and I wasn't allowed to go university. If you want to talk privately, let me know. I hope it gets better soon and your duas are answered soon Inshallah 🙂

  4. Salamu Aleikom sister. I feel your pain too, my father always is screaming at me and waiting for any mistake to criticize me. I have spent all my life trying to make him happy but I am never good enough for him. I go to school and work for him, I never receive any payment from him, I was okey with that until one day i told him i wanted to get married and he refuses to help me. Now I am a 24 years old man, and feel like I wasted big part of my life help him on the business, I should've looked for a job right a way after I finished my University. I always try to treat him with respect and be obedient at him, but any mistake from me and he treat me as if I were the worst person in the world. He is to strict with me, I can never go with friend without he makes me feel bad about it, I have no freedom to make any thing.
    For you my sister, from my mistakes I can tell you to look for a job and once you have economical power move from your fathers house and if your siblings feel as you, tell them to look for a job too, but dont stop your education, be prepare for the future. Be strong and patient, pry and forgive, try to ignore your fathers behavior and try to be happy, it is your life not hims. Good luck my sister.

  5. Dear Sister,

    I can feel your pain, trust me you are not alone. I saw so many cases that young people (most female) are being put down by the parents. Some are overly protective for the fear that the "western society" will / is taking away their children's identity and most of all their deen. They impose some ridiculous strict rules on children (girls again) in a way to shield them from the environment. Some will marry the girls away early to protect them from committing zina, etc. I want you to understand that your father's behavior is wrong but just give him the leeway that he did not know how to do best except limiting your freedom.

    It is not your fault to wish him death. Yes, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. We tend to blame ourselves (jump to the verdict that we are guilty or sin) before asking ourselves what make us think this way and why we have such a thought. A true repentant is the one knows what wrong he does. We human being has a defend mechanism to balance our stress by escaping to the situation. Your case is to wish him death. You are under stress and you have anger inside. You are only doing that because you do not know how to handle your stress and depression in a better way. You are too young to handle and you have been under this abusive environment for so long. I don't blame you, all I want is to give you a sincere hug and tell you it is not your fault.

    Make dua to Allah, tell Him everything you suffer and you need to face. He is all hearing. You can definitely to assert your right to say no to physical abuse. Tell him gently that it is forbidden in Islam and in this society.

    I do not have a strong advice for you but I strongly recommend to make use of the counseling service in the University. Keep close with your mom and your sibling. Show love and caring to each other and support each other. Let them know that your father is "not well" - mentally and he cannot control himself except Allah can change him. Respect him but brush away and walk away whenever he said something hurtful and abusive. Tell yourself and your sibling to help your mom in the house in order to lesser any conflicts.

    I am sorry for the situation. Inshalah, it is only temporary, inshallah. The bright side is you are in the University and inshallah you will graduate soon and get a job. For this moment, I can only advice you to stay focus in your study, ignore what is happening now. Be the best in your subject, try to find internship in the summer, learn to drive if you do not, stay in the library to study hard, network with people for your future job opportunity. Prepare now and grasp every opportunity. You need to shift all your energy to study. This is the only way out to help your mom and your sibling and yourself. If you are not financially independent, it will be impossible to think of moving away.

    For your deen, I know you know Islam is the THE WAY. Doubt is fine as long as you are still seeking the truth by searching. Read, Read, and Read. Stick with your religion, read your Quran everyday to get guidance and knowledge even it is as short as 5 minutes. Start with the language that you related to. Don't forget your prayer and dua. About your hijab, go with your judgement, Allah know best. (I know and you know it is a Fard but I do understand it has to come from inside to stand up in this society especially in the western society.)

    Off topic: what do you study? I hope you are studying something that is in demand in the job market. If not, try to take some course to enrich your exposure. There is no room to talk about going to do what you like. Seek guidance from your academic guidance. You have no time to lose. Focus your energy on online courses, voluntary services, internship and helping your mom. Inshallah.

    My heart is with you.

  6. you are too young at the moment to understand why your father is so oppressive, which is wrong. But if you are really in a bad situation, why not marry a good muslim boy whom you may know or you can ask your parents. That way you can earn your freedom immediately!
    But this could be counter productive option as you could face the same problem from your husband.
    I think the best thing to do would be to buy time and finish your studies.

  7. Sister I feel your pain... but instead of it being my father, it is my mother...
    Everyone says a mother loves you so much... but I never feel that... I always wish for her death, but deep down I know that if she dies I will miss her... But sometimes that never stops me... I sometimes feel like I am adopted because I am treated nothing like my siblings... I am always in trouble and shouted and hit from my mother, even sometimes my father...
    But I still never want to go to the police because I won't be able to stand the humiliation
    I have to be a fake in front of my friends and my family.. Its hard to explain to people that you have an abusive mother...
    Sister I feel for those out there who are like us...
    But Inshallah they will pass soon, Allah give us these hardships for a reason...

    • I am sorry you're going through that. InshaAllah everything gets better.

    • Aliya l feel your pain, l am in the same boat and as i'm writing l am almost crying thinking of the things that my mother does say to me. Every Time before calling her, l recite Yalatif 7x and Ikhlass 7x just to avoid her telling me hurtful thing that will stress me for days. When people write mother's day card i just wish i could do it from my heart but everytime l think of her nothing lovely comes out. Sometimes l do imagine life without her and then ask Allah for forgiveness for thinking of it. but l can't help it. If anyone knows any dua that will help me of not thinking about her dead please help me.

  8. Have you talked to ur mom about divorce? It is not haram, it is an option Allah has given us. I'm not saying hating your father is permisbile in Islam, but after you distance yourself from him. Dua is your strongest weapon pray to Allah about repairing the relationship with your father. You have younger siblings in the household, I'm sure you and your mom don't want them to live through the same things you have. Help her understand how much you hurt, and the damage that cud be done to your younger siblings. May Allah help and guide you sister. I will keep you in my dua.

  9. You have not seen anything like an abusive Muslim father. I am a 40 years old man and I have never felt a father presence in my life despite my father being still alive. At the age of 3 months, I was badly bruised for soiling my fathers car seat with my full nappy. At the age of 6 I was in front of the judge wanted to put my father in prison, I forgave him so he did not go to prison because I was naive child. At the age of 7 I was not allowed to talk to my mother in his presence because he was too jealous, 6 years later I was homeless because he evicted me at the age of 13. He threatened to kill me if I returned home. He was talking to me abusive words in German as he was a sort of néonazi. He wanted to prove mother that I was failure but he was wrong, he even made rumours about me that I was female type of man, you know what I mean, but I was just that shy type of boy who could not stand for himself. I have not lived with my family since I was 13, I now see them but they are strangers to me, this was all his fault. I only started talking to him a year ago, he prides himself that he knows a lot about Islam and anything else, but I put him off when I show him that I know better than him, and believe me this is a better way to punish an oppressive father than to wish him death. You only understand the value of something when you lose it.

  10. @Adel: Do you think your father has some kind of mental sickness?

  11. OP: Getting to the main point... I have been wishing for my father to pass away just so I can have some freedom. He has wronged the family so much that we are always living in fear, never knowing what will happen if any of us make one mistake... I especially fear for my mother who has lived a very petty life because of him.

    Has any thing changed in your life?

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