Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is a good man but emotionally unavailable

absent husband %photo

I want to bring my husband back

As-Salamu Alakium

I am having my own issues with my husband. I have been married for 10 years Alhumdudilah and have 4 children. I live in the West and am a housewife. My children go to private school and are happy. We just moved to a big five bedroom home in a nice child friendly neighbourhood that have many children and Muslims. I am a muslimah who wears hijab so it is very comforting to see other Muslim families in my neighbourhood. Life should be great for me and it is.. I thank Allah SWT for the many blessings He has given to me and my family. However, I am at times quite unhappy.

My husband owns a business  and works long hours. He often comes home tired and drained of energy.. I do not mind this because I know he is working hard and is providing for me and our children financially.. Although he provides financially and has a happy personality he does not satisfy me emotionally and physically.

He is INCAPABLE of EMPATHY for me when I am hurt or upset about something he does. If I am hurt and complain to him, he always seems to interject HIMSELF into the conversation and play victim. He even does this with our children. I have a son who is ADHD and requires alot of care. My husband LOVES his children but is not good nurturer or talker. So sometimes my son (who is also ill mannered) might yell at me.

When he does this, I get a flip flop and hit him. My husband yells at me to stop hitting him IN front of my son. This is sending my poor son mixed signals. So much so that all my children are quiet and obedient when I am home with them but as son as their dad comes home they act out. They are being disciplined by two ways. When i tell my husband we need to both be on the same page, he says nothing is wrong, Why am I COMPLAINING about him. He cant seem to have a discussion without putting himself in it. He is also a shallow person.

Needless to say i have been putting up with his emotional abuse for many years now. He is so self-centered, that his "its all about me" attitude has now transferred over to the children. When my oldest is telling me how his day went in school, my husband talks over him about something HE did at work.

When my husband has wronged me and left me feeling upset, and I talk to him about it, he tells me "well one time you did ME like that".. It's like I can NEVER convey how I feel without him interjecting himself into the conversation. My sex life is a complete joke. He has rubbed against me (while I had on clothes) and gotten off and leaves me sexually unsatisfied.

I am American and he is Egyptian. He talks about blacks, Asians, and Indians sometimes in a stereotypical manner. When I tell him it is Haraam to speak ill of our brothers and sisters he'll say "so what". He never reads and is not well-read on anything. When I speak about a topic, he'll bring up the topic to someone else as if he were an expert but in reality he got the information from me.

He MIRRORS everything I say. If I complain about something and use some words, when we argue another time he will repeat my words by using them against me. He is selfish in the bedroom. When we are intimate, he does not go inside but will rub against me and release. He has done this more than 50 times. I have told him more than 20 times how sick and disgusting I find that act and chose not to do it. He listen, tells me ok, but is right back at it a week later. I have been woken up and forced to have sex with him. A couple of times I was sound asleep and he had sex with me.

Sometimes I am tired and he will force himself on me physically and make me have relations with him. Sometimes he wakes me up and makes me have relations.  He always does a disgusting sexual act on me that I told him I cannot stand but he does it anyway.

The kids (especially my oldest) can sense that something isn't right but being 9 he is too young to express himself.
When me and my husband argue, I might in the middle of it call him an idiot. He turns around and calls me a piece of s.h.it. I tell him that is so foul how can you stoop so low. He tells me well I called him an idiot.

I want both of us to grow in the Deen. He reads Quran in the morning but does not apply what he read. Sometimes in the heat of a silly argument I might call him immature or idiotic. He will then call me a "piece of s.h.i.t". When I ask him why he stoop so low to call me that, he'll say well I called him idiotic so he called me piece of s.h.i.t. When I try to explain to him that in English this is a disrespectful and disgusting word, he'll say for him it isn't.

Besides our 4 beautiful children (Alhumdudilah) we have nothing else in common. He will talk about his job, cars, and homes...We talk about small superficial things. I love to discuss politics, Islam, etc. He won't engage me in a meaningful conversation.

He cannot think for himself at times. Anything the media or a person says about anything, he will try to discuss this with other people as if he's read so much about it. I am a stay at home mother and have a Masters degree but chose to stay at home until my twins start pre-school. Once I work, I am not sure how much of this marriage I can endure.

Whenever I open my heart to him and explain to him how emotionally distant and indifferent he is to my feelings and needs, he tells me: "why am I being so ungrateful. I provide for you and the kids and work my behind off at work". He'll then say "well teach me how to be close to you". I cannot teach a grown man how to be emotionally available when it just isn't in him.

I am grateful for my children and the fact that he is a good provider.I just don't know if that is all there is to a marriage.. Perhaps I am too needy. However the more I read up on narcissism and passive aggressive behavior in men, the more I am convinced my husband has some symptoms of this behavior.

I am so ready to throw in the towel but he is a good provider and buys me and the kids whatever we want. For the past 4 years now I have been having fantasies about other men and i know it is not good. Astagfirlah. When I was working part-time in a school, there was a male teacher who flirted with me and being that I was so hungry for some type of emotional feelings, I reciprocated Astagfirlah . I feel so bad about this and have asked Allah to forgive me.

The male teacher relocated to another school only after some three months I was there. It wasn't that I loved or even liked this man. It was just the fact that he showed interest in education (myself as well) and children that led me to partake in flirting back with him.

This was when I knew I wasn't right with my husband. May Allah forgive me and my husband.

Noha.


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188 Responses »

  1. As-Salamu Alakium Sister Ray of Hope-

    Jazak'Allah Khair for this. Your advise is a form of therapy for me in ways you would not believe so I appreciate that tremendously.

    You are right in everything you have said.. However there is something wrong with me. I feel that if I stay in the marriage and ignore my husband's negative traits, I might cheat on him because as I mentioned I don't feel any emotional fulfillment from him and it has ALWAYS BEEN this way EVEN during OUR HONEYMOON PERIOD!!

    But Alhumdudilah Allah is the Best of planners. We have 4 children so Alhumdudilah. We are not soul mates though. And I understand love is up and down... But the problem is I did not love him. I will comment more after work Insha'Allah.

    Perhaps my husband read this because my name is stated and I have this page bookmarked. I don't know if he has or not. Will write later.. Shukrun

    Sister Noha

  2. Walekum salam dear sister

    it seems confirmed that your husband must have read this post then his reaction could be understood.

    you said " there is something wrong with me" have your checked and listed what actually it is??have you checked if your expectations from your husband and this marriage are realistic? Have you evaluate your side before setting expectations from others? you know we often get lost in idealism that we miss what we have before us but run behind what we dont...ultimately we end up having nothing. YOU MUST THINK ABOUT IT ALL BEFORE TAKING ANY FINAL DECISION.

    it seems that you are going through some sort of depression. If you feel necessary, consult some psychologist to come out of depression. I have heard that sometimes after delivery, a female can go into depression without knowing it might be applicable in your case too. also circumstances (apart from your problems in the marriage, there could be other factors as well like how you had wanted to be a home maker but had to start working , wherein you have got a too busy hectic life with lots of responsibilities). Hence i would recommend you to consult so you can bring yourself back to normal state of mind and heart so you could take better control of situation and can take a RIGHT AND FIRM decision with a balanced mind.

    You said "I feel that if I stay in the marriage and ignore my husband's negative traits, I might cheat on him because as I mentioned I don't feel any emotional fulfillment from him and it has ALWAYS BEEN this way EVEN during OUR HONEYMOON PERIOD" if you are so sure of things and you find yourself in this way, then i think separation will be a better as once you feel out of a relationship, then there is no point in dragging that relationship. As you said that you have been emotionally detached from him since beginning then nothing left to say or do. But ONLY you can determine whether divorce is the solution to your marital problems.

    this is all i have to say right now, insha-allah i will write again after lunch.

  3. Its upto you what decision do you make but I would like you to know this and prepare yourself considering that the demise of a relationship is the most emotionally devastating of life's transitions.

    1. I find you emotional vulnerable so you would have to work a lot to stay stable emotionally during or after divorce. You would find yourself in an emotional Roller Coaster ride. You would feel from sorrow to anger to frustration to self-pity and back again, all within the span of minutes. It will happen. Wild emotional ups and downs are to be expected. At times, you would feel like losing yourself. But you have to hold on that time.
    2. You will have to cope with divorce process which can take weeks to months to settle the case. There would be mountains of paperwork, regular calls and meetings with your lawyer, sometimes there would be challenging interaction with your (ex) husband. You will have to maintain this while working and taking care of kids. You need to physically and emotionally strong for this.
    3. Stress can have countless bad effects upon the physical and emotional systems of the body. Even if on the surface you feel fine, stress has an undertow: Take time for yourself no matter how many responsibilities you have. Otherwise you will lose touch with the all-important joie de vivre that makes it all worthwhile.
    4. May you have support of your family but remember their support and help will be limited upto a point. As people have a tendency to think everything is over, soon they would be back to their normal life but for you it will take and probably you would have to do it at your own.
    5. When you want to believe that everything is going to be okay after divorce, half of it would depend on you and half of it would depend on kids. You would have to take care of them by all means and like you have a son who is bit of age, you would have to explain things to him so he may accept your decision without keeping any negative thought or feeling for you. Your children would need a stable adult in their lives and that means you, so sometimes they would make you angry and dejected but you need to hold on there.
    6. Only you know if you earn goo enough that you can survive with your kids and can meet the financial requirements. You need to determine things in this regard. You know my elder sister has to think twice before spending even a penny and sometimes with sudden changes in expenses, for example, recently the school fee of the kids got double with sudden notice and it impacted her a lot, of course I was there to help her out but everybody has their limitations and self respect sometimes don’t let you seek help. So you must plan things well.
    7. Since no human being or relationship is perfect and its impossible to get a soulmate or the one who would understand you and fulfill your emotional needs all the time. If you look to remarry in future, you would have to make adjustments and compromises more than this marriage. No one can guarantee to meet your requirements. What I have learnt that people, feelings and circumstances never remain the same, it keep on changing good to bad, negative to positive, high to low and that you cant the change the world but you can change only yourself. So you have to accept this eternal fact. In case of remarry, the most important concern will be kids.
    8. Till you remarry or if you choose to remain single, but know that there will be times when you will have sexual urges and emotional loneliness, such feelings and longings will be hard to handle. No matter how hard you try to not to have them but they would come to you, inspite of your turning away by keeping yourself busy but there will times when you have to face them. God forbid, if you find yourself struggling with them, then there will be chances that you might get attracted to any colleague or relative and please know that men around you would definitely try to attract you for a relationship. You know shaitan always look for such opportunities so you have to be careful with your single status. You know my sister is a working woman, it happened once that a man tried to allure her (for sexual pleasure – no marriage) but when he failed, he tried to spread a bad word for my sister. Hope you are getting what I mean to advice here.
    9. No doubt, divorce brings with it disillusionment, disappointment, and deep hurts but if you know that you have taken right decision then you have accept the pain and agony that would come with it. The months after divorce will be filled with anger, denial, and it could be followed by depression. There will be lots of readjustments to be made. A woman who is divorced will face lots of problems in society. If she happens to be young, then she is considered fair game. She will have to take care of herself, her children as well as fight off the so called good Samaritans who, in the guise of helping, will ultimately want only to exploit her.
    10. In short, a woman faces more problems after the divorce than a man. It will become your responsibility of providing a good home, education and moral, psychological support for your children. You would have to manage the house single handedly and take on the role of a single parent. You will have to handle your emotional needs yourself. You will have to be doubly careful when dealing with people. You will always have to be on the alert. Having said that, if you stay strong and balanced, you can survive and can be a better mother as well father to your kids. This journey will not be easy one but nothing comes easy in life and only you can determine if divorce is a blessing in disguise for you or not.

    By above, I don’t mean to make you afraid of anything nor I meant that you should or should not take divorce. Its not me but you who has to decide and take the decision, its your life and your choice, whatever you choose will shape the future of your life, your husband’s and of course your kids. By the above, I just meant to give you a reality check that one has to go through.

    All I aim is to make you a strong person with a balanced mind so you could take a right decision in the best interest of everyone.

    Pray Salat-al-Istikhara before taking any final decision.

    Your Sister

  4. Just happened to read this so sharing with you -

    According to Holy Qur’an, the sources of our problems are four :

    We strain our eyes in longing for the things which other people have, and forget our own bounties given by Allah (swt) and forget to enjoy them.
    Holy Qur’an says:
    Nor strain your eyes in longing for the things We have given for enjoyment to parties of them, the splendor of the life of this world, through which We test them: but the provision of your Lord is better and more enduring. (20:131)

    We complain so much about trivial pains and problems we face in this world, while forget the actual suffering we may face in the Hereafter due to our wrongdoings and negligence. We also forget to realize that actual pleasure is in fulfilling our duty to ease the sufferings of people around us.
    HolyQur’an says:
    And thus do We recompense him who transgresses beyond bounds and believes not in the Signs of his Lord: and the Penalty of the Hereafter is far more grievous and more enduring. (20:127)

    We are so much after the conveniences and glitter of this world that we forget the core purpose of our life; which is a test with full of sufferings in order to obtain reward of PARADISE from our Lord in the Hereafter. Holy Qur’an says:
    The (material) things which you are given are but the conveniences of this life and the glitter thereof; but that which is with Allah is better and more enduring: will you not then be wise? (28:60)

    We take the life in the world as permanent and spend all our sources just building it as if death is for ‘somebody else and not for us,’ while we forget the fact that eternal life is that of Hereafter.
    But the Hereafter is better and more enduring. (Holy Qur’an 87:17)

  5. Please read this story

    This too shall pass!
    A king called all of his wise men and counselors together for a meeting.
    He addressed them and said, “I want you to go and think, read, and
    research. Consult the wisest and most learned men in the land. Spare no
    expense.”
    “I want you to find the ONE statement that will get me through all situations
    in life. Whether I am on top of the world or in the pits, find that
    statement.” “I don’t want to learn long and complicated philosophies. I
    want one simple statement. Find it or write it; I don’t care, just bring me
    the statement.”
    The men left and consulted for months. They finally returned and handed the King a scroll.
    The King unrolled the scroll. On it was written four words. “THIS TOO SHALL PASS!” That was it.
    The wise men explained. When you are on top of the world, that is but a fleeting moment, things
    change, always remember, this too shall pass. When you are in the pits, all nights are followed by
    day, at your lowest moments remember also, this too shall pass.
    All external circumstances and material things change. No matter what your circumstances,
    remember, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS!”
    The wise men reminded the great King that this would get him through his earthly things but the
    truly wise knew there were things beyond this earth and life. Things that were eternal.
    True wisdom they reminded the King was in the ability to recognize the fleeting temporal things of
    the material world from the truly eternal things.
    O Great King they said, “Most of the things that you worry or gloat about are temporary and our
    four words apply.”
    The Moral: My dear friends, for most of our situations... “THIS TOO SHALL PASS!”
    Holy Qur’an says: “Everyone on it must pass away. And there will endure for ever the person of your Lord, the Lord of glory and honor.” (55:26-27)

  6. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we
    make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless.
    But no matter what has happened or will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean,
    crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.
    Also at the same time try to accept who you are in reality, because everyone is different. That’s the
    way, Almighty God created this world. Hence let us learn one more valuable lesson from the following
    story called as “The cracked Pot.”

    Once upon a time there was a water-bearer in India who had two large pots, each hung on each
    end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while
    the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long
    walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
    For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pot full of water
    in his master’s house.
    Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was
    made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection,
    and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had
    been made to do.
    After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the
    water-bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I
    want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer.
    “What are you ashamed of?”
    “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half of my load because this crack in my
    side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have
    to do all of this work and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said. The water-bearer
    felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s
    house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
    Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful
    wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.
    But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized
    to the bearer for its failure.
    The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path,
    but not on the other pot’s side?
    That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower
    seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered
    them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table.
    Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”
    The Moral: My dear friends, each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we
    each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take
    each person for what they are and look for the good in them as Holy Qur’an says,
    “O you men! surely We have created you of a male and a female, and made you tribes
    and families that you may know each other; surely the most honorable of you with
    Allah is the one among you most careful (of his duty); surely Allah is Knowing,
    Aware.” (49:13)

    And at the same time we have to convert our flaw or weakness into strength in a positive manner,
    because sometimes our biggest weakness can become our biggest strength. Take, for example, the
    story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study Judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm
    in a devastating car accident.
    The boy began lessons with an old Japanese Judo Master Sensei. The boy was doing well, so he
    couldn’t understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
    “Sensei,” the boy finally said, “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”
    “This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know,” the Sensei
    replied.
    Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later,
    the Sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two
    matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became
    impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.
    Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
    This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a
    while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might
    get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when
    the sensei intervened.
    “No,” the Sensei insisted, “Let him continue.”
    http://www.islamicoccasions.com
    Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard.
    Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He
    was the champion.
    On the way home, the boy and Sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy
    summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind. “Sensei, how did I win the tournament
    with only one move?”
    “You won for two reasons,” the Sensei answered. “First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult
    throws in all of Judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent
    to grab your left arm.”
    The Moral: My dear friends, the boy’s biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

  7. This is the World, so beware of it!

    A man accompanied Prophet Jesus (pbuh) the son of the honorable Saint Mary (pbuh) and said that
    he would go with him. They continued along until they came to a river. They sat and started to eat.
    They had three loaves of bread. They ate two of them and one remained.
    Prophet Jesus (pbuh) went to the river, drank some water and returned. He did not find the third
    loaf. He (pbuh) asked the man who had taken that loaf. Man said that he did not know.
    They continued until they came to a Doe followed by two fawns. Prophet Jesus (pbuh) beckoned
    one of the fawns, killed it, roasted it and they ate it. Then Prophet Jesus (pbuh) addressed the fawn
    [that had been eaten,] saying, “Live!” It came to life and went. Then Prophet Jesus (pbuh) said to
    the man, “By God! Who has shown you this miracle; tell me who took that loaf of bread?” He replied
    that he did not know.
    They continued until they reached a lake. Prophet Jesus (pbuh) took
    the hand of the man and led him over the water. When they reached
    the other side, Prophet Jesus (pbuh) said, “By the One Who has
    shown you this miracle; tell me who took that loaf of bread?” He
    replied that he did not know.
    They continued until they reached a desert. They sat down. Prophet
    Jesus (pbuh) gathered some sand or dust and said, “By the permission
    of Allah (swt), be Gold!” It became Gold. He (pbuh) divided it into three portions. And said,

    “One third is for me, one third for you, and one third for whoever took that loaf of bread.”
    The man said immediately, “Alright, I took that loaf of bread.”
    Prophet Jesus (pbuh) said, “Then all the three portions of this Gold are yours.” Then he (pbuh) left
    him.
    The man encountered two other men in the desert. They wanted to take his Gold and kill him. He
    said, “Let us divide the gold into three portions.” They sent one of them to the village to buy food.
    The one who went said to himself, “Why should I let them have portions of this wealth? I shall put
    some poison into the food, and kill them.” So, he poisoned the food.
    The other two said, “Why should we give a third of this wealth to him. When he comes back, let us
    kill him, and divide the rest of the wealth between us.”
    When he returned, they attacked him and killed him. Then they ate the poisoned food and died. The
    wealth remained in the desert with the three dead men beside it.
    Prophet Jesus (pbuh) passed them and saw the situation. He said to his disciples, “This is the world,
    so beware of it!”
    The Moral: be happy and content always, with whatever we have. But never
    follow the deception of this world! In the words of Imam Ali (pbuh), “This world is like a serpent,
    so soft to touch, but so full of lethal poison. Unwise people are allured by it and drawn towards it,
    and wise men avoid it and keep away from its poisonous effects.”

  8. I leave you with - Holy Qur’an says: “Seek help through patient perseverance and prayers.” (2:45)

  9. As-Salamu alakium Ray of Hope-

    Jazak'Allah Khair for your advice and your help. I appreciate it more than I can tell you! Holy Qur’an says:
    The (material) things which you are given are but the conveniences of this life and the glitter thereof; but that which is with Allah is better and more enduring: will you not then be wise? (28:60)

    Sister I have a problem. The Ayat in the Quran is describing the glitter of this life and its meaninglessness. The Hereafter with Allah is more valuable and enduring. Now given my situation, (me wanting to sell to settle debts, and my husband's refusal to do so) What would you do if it were up to you?

    If the Quran says the glitter is just a mere convenience, and me as a wife recognize it as such, but my husband does not what can I do??? I want to sell, he told me no. I am only looking after my Akhirah by proposing we sell our home to pay debts. I have a beautiful and gorgeous home and I am willing and ready to give it up to save my Akhirah. My affairs with Allah are more valuable to me than a simple home. My husband doesn't see it as such and has told me (when I tell him this) that I am crazy and that "something is wrong with me". So what do you propose I do???

    Do I stay in this marriage with a man who doesn't view my Akhirah as important as his Dunya? Or do I divorce and sell the home (we'd have no choice after divorce), struggle with my kids, but in the long run it may be beneficial to my Akhirah?

    I have spoken like this to my husband and he thinks I am crazy.

    So sister propose to me what YOU would do in this type of situation??? I will appreciate your advise on this manner.

    The debts are making me miserable. I have told my husband for 5 or 6 years now that ALL I ever wanted to do was sell the home and PAY off SOME (I was willing to work to pay off some myself) of my Debt. He told me "OK. When we buy another home, I will give you some money to pay off some of your student debt".

    That was in my old house. NOW we have moved to ANOTHER home (we sold our old home) and the Brother who brought our old home paid CASH. I asked my husband "Please let me have 5000 to pay off some of my student loan".

    My husband's WORDS changed (as his words always change). He told me NO because he was not going to help me get out of debt. The debt was my issue and I would have to get myself out.

    I pleaded with him for MONTHS even while looking for a home to get something smaller and more affordable because I wanted to use some of our money to pay off my debt. He refused 5 to 6 times.

    So NOW I am working full time (ALhumdudilah) at my children's school and paying off my debts. Alhumdudilah. The only problem is my heart is so full of animosity for my husband now because I look at his decision as a completely SELFISH one. My name was also on the deed of the house.

    On top of that, I cannot STAND to be touched by him anymore. When he comes along, I just want him to leave me alone.

    I am praying and making Sunnah and Istikara but at this point I feel empty and foolish because I let my husband dictate how he wanted to spend our money.

    An Imam told me that what my husband did was "not right" and that "I should get away from him as fast as possible".

    My family are torn and they want me to leave.

    The only reason I haven't left is because of my kids and Ray of Hope as you stated earlier, I am not ready to go through an emotional roller coaster of sadness, joy, depression, all at once.
    I am not ready to struggle ONLY for the sake of my kids. If I were alone I could endure it.. But because my children are so little, I am hesitant.

    Ray of Hope I need to read more Quran and pray more Istikarah for Allah's help.
    Thank you so much sister for your words. Your words are like pearls of wisdom and comfort to my heart because I am conversing with you and your sister has gone through something similar. Masha'Allah May Allah reward your efforts and your sisters efforts and bless you much. Insha'Allah my dear Sister.

    As-Salamu Alakium

    Sr Noha

  10. Salam Sister Noha,

    I am really sad to hear you are still going through so much problems. Even though you have chosen to give it a shot you still can't forget the past. You still have divorce hanging at the front of your mind. If you want to give your marriage a last chance, then you need to give it your best shot FULL HEARTEDLY. You need to start fresh with him emotionally and stop dwelling on the past! You need to give him the benefit of the doubt.

    Even though it may seem that you are taking 3 steps and he is taking 1 step. You need to take this as progress in your mind and be grateful for it. You are trying to repair a broken marriage here with years of damage, it isn't going to be easy. The deeper the wound the more time and effort it needs to repair. Don't run before you can walk. So you have to be patient and give it time for the results. Stop arguing with him and let him be for a while.

    Sister Ray of hope has certainly become your full time therapist! you'll have to start paying her! lol " ) Masha Allah she has given such good advice and shared many inspirational words to help us all.

    I don't think that the material things in life include a good husband, And I do not think the meaning of struggling for the hereafter means being imprisoned forever in an abusive marriage. No where in the Quran does it say that the women must endure an abusive husband and stay in the marriage to attain Allah's pleasure!

    Secondly If anyone stays in a marriage with an abusive husband its for the Duniya (World) not the akhira! Personally I do not think that your roller coaster will ever stop in this marriage. I am only detecting this from all your posts.

    People stay in an unhappy marriage for many reasons, because of kids, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness. I knew a women who stayed with a husband who went out with prostitutes every night and was drinking and clubbing. She still stuck with him because she had nowhere to go and if she gets divorced her parents will disown her. He was providing for her well so she stayed with him but she did not love him. She went out with her friends prayed and kept herself busy and amused with friends. They both lived in the same house but lived separate lives. She learnt to just accept it and get on. so she is able to live without a companion. There are also those who divorce at the first sign of trouble.

    The point of this is to explain that everyone is different sister some people can do without any romance in the marriage, some people can't. Some people can stay married hating their husband their whole life just for the sake of the kids or some other agenda. For some women it is hell to live with a husband you do not love or feel attracted to. Some women can live their whole life with no intimacy or attention from their husbands and they do not fall into sin! but some women can't even go a week and have strong desires and will fall into sin living like this.

    Even I was one of these women sister who thought that I would divorce at the first sign of trouble. Now I am shocked at how much I tolerated with my ex husband. I was tolerating it for my kids sake, for the shame of society and most of all because I still loved him and also didn't want to be lonely. But a time came when things just kept getting worse and my roller-coaster never stopped and I was feeling sick and going crazy, then I had to say STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

    At the end of the day sister its down to you! How much YOU can tolerate. How much YOU are willing to sacrifice. What are YOU aiming to achieve? how much you can live with! Everyone has different levels of tolerance. You cannot compare any two marriages or any two couples. Everyone is different sister.

    As sister Ray of hope said you should assess your situation, write down pros and cons and what realistic results you are hoping for. Pray Ishthikara for Allah to guide you,

    • Also sister,

      I forgot to say if you want to stay put for the moment you need to work around your husband not with him. A leopard never changes his spots. You know your husband better then anyone. You know his characteristics, his likes,dislikes and what he is prepared to do or not. You know what you can trust him with and what not.

      You made a big mistake when you sold the house. As you are the joint owner of the house you ARE ENTITLED TO HALF OF THE MONEY!. You should have asked the brother to pay cash through a solicitor(Lawyer) and the solicitor would have assigned you half officially on the spot so your husband would not have been able to withhold the money from you! your husband has double crossed you because you have put 100% trust in him!.

      Yes sister in an ideal world we should trust our husband 100%. We should be provided for financially and loved by our husbands and be their soul mate and they should be ours. But this is the real world ! We do not always get what we want or deserve.

      So you will have to improvise with what you have. Be smart and be cautious with your husband. Do not let him deceive you any more. You know he can't be trusted. Let him take on all the financial burdens and suffer. When he crumbles then he will realise and sell the house!

      Sister to get by you need to put mind over matters. Marriage is not your whole existence. The world does not revolve around your husband. So put him out of the picture, kick him to the back of your mind. Go out with your friends. Talk and laugh with friends on the phone. Watch movies, go out with your kids. plan activities out with kids. keep yourself busy with OTHER STUFF. stop thinking about your husband. Just let him be but don't let him mistreat you or treat you like a door mat.

      Do not argue with him or cry or plead with him. Just keep a straight face. Take a different approach with him. stop playing the same record. Put a new tape on smile with him if he argues or tells you to do something i.e pay the bills. Just smile and say " No darling its a husbands responsiblity to pay the bills and maintain his family" I know you are an excellent husband and I would never want his wife to pay the bills" You will do hatever it takes to take care of your family" just smile and walk out.

      If he does something you don't like i.e not disciplining kids, just talk to him calmly and say" we need to be good parents and role models for our children" " We need to be a team" Don't point fingers at him. Say "we" instead of you and I. Show him that you both have to work together for a happy marriage.

      Let the little things go. Don't argue with him just be firm. Tell him what you have to say and walk out of the room before it gets into an argument. If he says something you don't like remember you know the truth not him so it really doesn't matter if he says something false. Just take it out the other ear.

      Why not go away on a family holiday and chill!! If he does not help out with the chores then don't help him! Do not iron his clothes or cook for him. Tell him " Darling please cook for your dear wife, I am so tired and exhausted, my feet are aching". Smile and batter your eyelashes at him. Just take a carefree chilled approach.

      Don't iron his clothes let him do some chores, you just have fun with the kids! just lighten up let your husband mope around in a bad mood! who cares!

      Life's too short to be miserable just forget the clouds and look at the sunshine! Smile!

      Love Your sis Sumaira xxx

      I pray that you find peace in this life and the hereafter.

  11. Walekum Salam

    Dear Sister Noha,

    Last night I was thinking of you and after reading your words “I did not love him”, “I don't feel any emotional fulfillment from him”, “it has ALWAYS BEEN this way EVEN during OUR HONEYMOON PERIOD!! “ “there is something wrong with me” “We are not soul mates though “ “I cannot STAND to be touched by him anymore ““if I stay in the marriage and ignore my husband's negative traits, I might cheat on him”, my whole perspective of looking at your problem has completely changed. Now I don’t feel any concern when it comes to your husband but about YOU.

    When you do not love someone, you do not feel any emotional fulfillment from your partner, you feel that you are not soul mates, you get this thought that if you stay in the marriage, you might cheat on him….this means that whatever efforts you put to save this marriage must be shadowed by your negative feelings for him and this relationship as you are actually not into it..even if your husband tries to make efforts to repair the marriage, you either wont let him do or it will have no meaning for you, for the simple reason that you feel nothing for him as such and that too since beginning of this relationship.

    I think you should forget about your husband and his traits or things done by him. You must check and evaluate your side. Please know that marriage is just a part of life. We are not here just to make our husband our world. Life has many aspects to deal with. You need to think over what you want to do in life and how. Do you really want to be in this marriage or not? I am saying this because if you really don’t feel anything in this marriage then you not only hurting and causing pain to yourself but you are somewhere doing wrong to your husband too. You are self abusing yourself. When you are not happy yourself in this marriage then how would you make your husband happy, may he does everything to change as you desire (practically its not possible though) but it has no meaning for the simple reason that you don’t feel anything for him as such.

    I wonder if you really didn’t feel for him as such then why you married him at first place and even if you married him then you should have separated soon after your realizing things. I know it’s stupid to think or say this way now because things have already happened but I think its better to be at peace with yourself and let your husband too have his space.

    I wouldn’t claim/blame that you are after idealism but as everybody has a different approach in life, it depends wholly ONLY on you if you sustain this marriage when you feel/know that your husband “is a good man but emotionally unavailable”. Only you can determine and can decide. It’s your life and your marriage and your husband. If i were at your place, what i would have done cannot be applicable to you as every person has different level of thinking, feeling and adjusting as well as enduring.

    If you still feel that you can or you should give it LAST CHANCE and it should mean LAST CHANCE and you should put your efforts whole heartedly without being blinded by past. You must reciprocate the positive efforts put by your husband. Right now forget about those money matters. The need of the hour is to decide whether to have this marriage saved or NOT.

    Having said that, as Sister Sumaira said that People stay in an unhappy marriage for many reasons, because of kids, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness. Some people can stay married hating their husband their whole life just for the sake of the kids or some other agenda. For some women it is hell to live with a husband you do not love or feel attracted to. Some women can live their whole life with no intimacy or attention from their husbands and they do not fall into sin! but some women can't even go a week and have strong desires and will fall into sin living like this.

    You said “The only reason I haven't left is because of my kids and Ray of Hope as you stated earlier, I am not ready to go through an emotional roller coaster of sadness, joy, depression, all at once.
    I am not ready to struggle ONLY for the sake of my kids. If I were alone I could endure it.. But because my children are so little, I am hesitant.”</em>

    Being hesitant will take you nowhere. you have already spent (actually wasted) a lot of time but you have not reached to any conclusion or decision yet. therefore, Its time to evaluate everything starting from your own self then to take a firm decision and stick to it but you must overcome your fear and insecurities if you chose to leave him. You just cannot make an emotional decision. You may find yourself in a bad situation right now but if you remain fragile and emotionally vulnerable then you would end up having a worse life than ever before. Everything depends only on you and remember five other lives (of your husband and kids) depend on your decision. Please think wisely and take your time but not too much.

    This is all I can say right now….

    PS- please do not mind if you find me getting anywhere harsh. i dont mean that ever by any mean. all i want is you to be normal and happy in life.

  12. Problems and suffering will be there if you choose to stay in this marriage, problems and suffering will still be there if you choose to walk out of this marriage. Now it depends on you and its upto you which sufferings you can endure and cope with as both will be lifelong hence you have to be practical and careful in your choice.

    God forbid but have you thought that if your husband decides to divorce you (may or may not after reading your posts, reasons don’t matter) then how will you cope with the situation? Will you then try to save the marriage or would you just accept his decision? In any case, after divorce, you will have no choice but to deal with life at your own. Then feeling hesitant or not capable or not ready yet won’t be of any help. You will have to face the challenges all alone. So in view of future no matter what happens but you must make yourself strong and patient.

    Have you ever thought that why Allah(Swt) has given us brain above than heart? I feel to let us analyze and face things practically seeing truth and facts so we can avoid our suffering with our own taken emotional decisions.

    Therefore, open your eyes and see the reality.Life is never easy, it cannot be perfect, it cannot be run the way we wish or try. We can only put our efforts to sail it to the direction we feel is good for us but the wind is in the hands of almighty.

  13. Assalamolaikum Noha ,

    My suggestion for you is to forget about problems/money matters/divorce for time being .Involve yourself in some activities . Go for outing with your kids or friends ...Meet your relatives,friends and others ..
    just forget about husband and all issues for some time and then see How you feel about yourself ..
    Tell your family too to avoid discussing about your martial issues for some time and have some cool life ..

    I think you need some break from those thoughts ..

    And Pray to Allah ...

    Allah hafiz

  14. It is clear that you are extremely frustrated with this marriage and it seems that you have given up your efforts, so the marriage is on verge of getting over. You seem emotionally exhausted and feel that for all your efforts, you have got nothing but criticism. You ultimately feel yourself a victim of "mental cruelty." I understand that your husband has been insensitive to you, have taken wrong financial decisions, he needs to improve the way he deals with children, overall he needs to improve the way he treats you as ‘wife’. You know, around I have heard married women complaining about their husbands for example like ‘He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive. It’s me who is running this marriage, I am living with him for sake of kids, for him I don’t even exist, he needs me only for sex and food and to iron his clothes…blah blah..". I have usually felt mystified by these complaints, some of them sound genuine and understanding but some of them are unrealistic expectations for example you cant expect your husband to be a Romeo every evening talking to you, he cant watch television or go to see his friends.

    You would agree that the kind of love and bonding we feel with our parents or siblings are hard to get with a third party. We really have to work to feel connected with that third party. if we love someone then we readily adjust or adept our self according to that person and even happily compromise for them. But in your case, it seems that when you had not felt love for your husband as such and on top of that he committed some grave mistakes, it resulted that you couldn’t feel any love for him, the seed of love didn’t grow as such and you found yourself at distance with him, you found him not meeting your wishes/expectations. You had wanted your husband to take your feelings into account when decisions ( finance or physical intimacy or house) are being made but it didn’t happen.

    Let me give you example of my brother and his wife (she is of my age). My brother is a good man but he is immature or say insensitive when it comes to emotional needs of my bhabhi. I often have to push him for things to do for his wife/kids (my bhabhi knows this). He would provide her everything what is asked for but he too is not available emotionally to my bhabhi and sometimes he does things which hurt or anger my bhabhi like anything. Sometimes she feels too furious that she yells at him or sulk with him. For example recently, my bhabhi went to visit her mother and promised to return on Sunday but she actually came back on Monday as her mother asked her to stay for a day more but my brother sulked with her like anything. My bhabhi had a tough time to make him normal.

    Once I asked my bhabhi how could she bear such stupid behavior of my brother which if my husband would have done, I would not have bear, she replied that “No man is perfect, if he has his negative traits but then he has his good side too, he doesn’t know how to express himself but he loves me and he is father of my kids, so this is enough for me to keep going with him and I prefer to ignore his invalid feelings as no marriage can be successful without having certain compromises made in it”.

    When I asked her when my brother does not listen to her or does not pay importance to her advice then how she feels, don’t you feel hurt? She replied that “being his wife, its my duty to advice him, suggest him and guide him but I just do that, if he listens to it, its good but if he doesn’t then I just leave it thinking that he all alone would be responsible for the choice he makes and that Allah (swt) will keep us under his protection and guidance. I would not speak or react unless and until it affects our family or kids.”

    Coming back to the point, you need to determine your mind about this marriage and have to prepare yourself emotionally, physically and financially for anything that happens. I really regard you as my elder sister and I want you to be normal and happily raising your kids but you have to decide to be this way or that way. you cant sail in two boats else you will sink. You still have the opportunity whether to divorce or remain in this marriage, God Forbid if your husband comes to decide about this marriage then it will cause you more pain and agony as the decision taken by you will be of your choice and it wont pain you that much but if things go beyond your hands, then you would have left with no choice but to deal with what he chooses. So far the ball is in your court but don’t stress yourself for this, you need to have a stable mind and heart to decide things,so first take your time, as suggested by Sister Sumaira, take out time for yourself and kids, go outing, go shopping, have fun with your friends. Go for a holiday, be a short one, sometimes change of place and surrounding can work like magic and help in getting things better.

    Your Sister

  15. As-Salamu Alakium my Dear sisters in Islam Sisters Ray of Hope and Sumeria,

    Masha'Allah may Allah reward your efforts in the advice you have given me. I feel supported and some what comforted when I converse with the two of you on a daily basis. Sisters my marital problem is only getting worse.

    My husband told me today that he "does not love me anymore". He SWORE to ALLAH he did NOT love me anymore. He told me he is only "Hanging in there for the kids".

    Needless to say, I took this information with a calm mind and heart. After he told me about his falling out of love with me, I mentioned filing a dissolution (a form of divorce where both parties agrees to how they will part ways, split finances, etc).

    After we agreed to divorce amicably, I went and asked Allah to guide me and make me strong.

    I came back in the same room as him and was a bit upset at what we discussed earlier. Anyway I told him "So you don't love me?"

    He said : " I didn't say that. I never said that. I fell out of love with you but the love can become again",

    This is SOOO DAMAGING! Subhan'Allah!! NOW I know I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GET OUT! How

    One minute he tell me he fell out of love, then the next he say "I never told you that?~"

    Sisters I feel if I do not LEAVE now this type of talk will literally Drive me INSANE.

    Allah (SWT) KNOWS that I am on the verge of a mental break down. That is how bad my situation is.

    Sister Positive and Sister Sumeria,
    Thank you sisters for your advice. I have some muslim friends here that I spend quality time with. I go shopping with them and sometimes my mom. I spend alot of time with my kids.

    I do the things that both of you mentioned but when I come home I want to divorce my husband. He is a nice brother but he is not the one for me. May Allah help him and myself. Ameen

    • Noha, as I said previously, it seems possible or even likely that your husband has read this page. If so, he may be mirroring the language you use here to show you how hurtful it is. I believe that your husband genuinely loved you and was happy in the marriage but felt hurt when you initiated the conversations about divorce. Then if he read everything on this page, he probably started wondering why he should love you when you seem to hate him so intensely. He is saying the love can come back, Sister...in other words, he is asking you to put your problems aside and just live in peace. I think, however, that you are not willing to do this. As I once said before, I believe he can do no right in your eyes. I am sorry to be blunt or harsh, but I do not see that you are willing to accept any positive moves from him whatsoever. I feel this is very unfortunate, because I believe you have a loyal spouse who loves you and your children.

      One final thing, Sister. If you ever cheat on your husband, you will not only be cheating on him...you will also be cheating on your children. And if you ever get divorced, you may find that most men are not father material when it comes to raising another woman's children. Your children may also have to deal with a step-mother in the future, and I can tell you that most children in broken families never feel like they fully belong in either home once their parents remarry.

      Your husband has told you over and over again that divorce was not an option, that he wanted to keep your family together. His willingness to keep trying, even if not 100% the way you want it, shows that he is a decent person with integrity. Although complicated, I do not believe that financial issues should drive a married couple apart, except in extreme cases where (for example) one is a gambler or a compulsive spender or a thief who drives the family into poverty or lawlessness and humiliation. There are so many things you can do to solve the financial issues so that everyone is happy and satisfied. It has nothing to do with choosing your akhira over your duniya or your marriage. You can have both, no matter what decisions your husband ultimately makes regarding the house or student loan.

      But even if he did everything you wanted, would this make a difference to you? I think this is now the core question.

      May Allah SWT help and guide you both.

      • Dear Sister A

        I agree with you. i also hoped and wanted this marriage to be saved.

        i have tried my best from suggesting various things to wake her up to reality , but you know everyone has different approach in life and relationships, the way you or me feel or think cannot be Noha's. If she feels that this relationship is dead and she just cant take it anymore, then no one can do anything. Now i just hope and pray that aftermath of separation may not make anyone be her or her kids or her husband suffer in any way. May things get settled amicably without getting ugly or leaving life long pain to either party. Aameen

        i am really feeling sad and dejected seeing things turning this way. May Allah (Swt) guide us all. ameen

  16. As-salam-alaikum

    Dear Sister Noha,

    I had really hoped and wanted this marriage to get saved but things are clear now.

    Now when he has told you that he is "Hanging in there for the kids". so he has made his side clear. further a person who keeps on changing his words, in short who is not a man of words, then what he says about loving you or not does not matter.

    it seems clear that you both are no longer in love for each other and are afraid to get out of this marriage. now when you have already discussed with him about divorce and as mentioned by you that you both agreed and you ultimately feel that there is no other choice then start planing for it. If you are sure of your decision of divorce then i think if you discuss with him again about it, he will again change his mind. i think you should consult your lawyer to understand how divorce should be taken and of course about custody of the kids.

    You ask Allah to "guide me and make me strong", so remember this,

    ALLAH does not change a people´s condition unless they change what is in their hearts…. [13:11]Holy Quran


    “Seek help through patient perseverance and prayers.” (2:45)

    it feels good to know that you spend some quality time with your near and dear ones, keep doing that as it will help you keep calm and help to prevent any depression. you need to divert your mind at times and kids and such outgoing is really needed for the same.

    this is i can write right now,

  17. just read this shared by Brother Ali Yousuf in his reply to a post (its there on home page), it amazed me, so sharing with you.

    Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "Seek out that which benefits you, seek help only from Allah and never say you can't do it. If any adversity comes to you do not say: 'If I had only acted in such-and-such a way, it would have been such-and-such;' but instead, say: 'Allah has decreed (it) and what He willed, He has done,' for verily, (the word) ‘if’ opens the way for the work of Satan." [Sahih Muslim]
    Through this hadith Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) tells us to:
    1. Seek the beneficial.
    2. Ask Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) for help.
    3. Be optimistic. Nothing is impossible if Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) wills it for you.
    4. Don’t cry over spilt milk.
    5. Trust Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) in what He has willed for you.
    Time is like a river . . . You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow has passed and will never pass again. If there is something that will benefit you, make every effort and go after it! Seek it out!
    There is no failure, only lessons.

  18. As-Salamu ALakium Sister Ray of Hope-

    Thank you sister for all of the advice you give. You are indeed a form of comfort and therapy for me Masha'Allah.

    I am trying my best to be very optimistic and making prayer and du'aas. At this time, I have decided I have no choice but to contact a lawyer. My husband is simply toying with my emotions on a daily basis. I came to the realization that I TRULY NO LONGER have any feelings for him.

    He told me again he will get a second wife by the end of the summer. I told him, that was fine. I don't even feel jealous about him doing so. I didn't even feel upset. This is when I knew that I no longer cared for him.

    It is not the Sunnah to remain in a situation in which I am humiliating myself. Day in and day out I am going through an emotional roller coaster. It is not befitting of a Muslim woman or man to continue to suffer in silence. Brother Mahmoud sent me a Hadith that stipulated the it is not befitting of a muslim to humiliate himself/herself.

    If I stay in this marriage, I am simply causing unwanted pain to myself. My children will be fine as my husband is not very attached to them as it is.

    As you mentioned sister following the Hadith, "don't cry over split milk", this is VERY true. I am not going to shed tears over a broken marriage. What more can I do? Suffer in silence?

    Sister A is very insensitive about my issue. Number one she is not in my shoes so she is not in a position to advise me to "put our issues behind us and live in peace".

    Sister A it is very hard for me to put past issues behind me when I have been a victim of emotional, mental, and sexual abuse for over 5 years. I have been sexually assaulted and have constantly complained to my husband about it. His response to me is , "Who cares about you".

    I have been hearing "Who cares about you?" for more than 5 years now and its affected me to the point of causing me to have self-doubts, struggles with confidence, and doubting my own self-worth.

    It is easy to say "put it behind you". I HAVE put our issues behind me. The problem is I cannot FORGET what happened. It is a constant struggle and it is affecting me daily.

    I know it takes time, but my husband is NOT respecting that. When he approached me last week, I politely declined (given our issues and the pressure), he then got MAD at ME for refusing HIM. He was so upset that he BLAMED me for NOT WANTING to CHANGE our marriage for the best given the fact I refused him in the bedroom.

    If two people want to put the past behind them and work on a marriage, why would a husband get upset if he sees and knows his wife is struggling to put it behind her? As a matter of fact, a Muslim man would try to console his wife and use kind words towards her.

    He just approached me and started to get intimate... It doesn't work this way. Not when we need the space to get over our problems.

    I cannot continue to go on like this. I am a human being too. Allah didn't make men to be human only. Women are people too who have feelings, emotions, ups and downs, and a life.

    If he has moved on he cannot expect his wife to move on at the same pace as him. It does not work this way. I clearly need more time. He is doing nothing but making things worse.

    All trust is gone now. How can I trust a Muslim man who SWORE to ALLAH that he NO LONGER LOVED me and was ONLY WITH ME FOR THE KIDS? He said that too me on Wednesday.

    By Friday when I discussed divorce, he turns around and says "I care for you and the kids and don't want a divorce"???

    A Muslim man who is so flippant about his feelings is someone who does not appear stable and firm.

    If it is so easy to SWEAR to ALLAH he no longer loves me then he turns around and says he does. It makes me question what else is he lying or being dishonest about.

    So Sister A while I appreciate your honesty and your advice, I am not accepting your advice because if I were, it would only drive me insane.

    I am a person too not a play thing. How can a Muslim man tell his wife he don't love her on Wednesday then swear to Allah, then by friday tell her he loves him and does not want divorce?

    By the way this isn't his FIRST time to tell me this. He has said repeatedly he was only with me for the children's sake only for a NUMBER OF YEARS.

    I could understand if it was something stated once or twice out of anger. This is not the case. He has said it at least 10-15 times since we have been married.

    In addition to that, he has also told me (in fits of anger) "WHY did I do THIS?" and "I can't BELIEVE what I have done". I have been hearing such damaged filled words since we got married. This has wrecked havoc on my feelings of self-worth and confidence. 9 chances out of 10 whenever we argue, I am arguing in DEFENSE of something he has done to me. It is rarely vice versa.

    One time he told Allah to CURSE me because we were at an Eid Festival and he told a brother (I was present with him) that " too many Somalis were there". I said in defense of Muslims (as I believe all Muslims rights should be defended) "There is no need to say this. They are Muslims too".

    My husband felt slighted that I told him this in front of his friend. Once we left (We had our children with us in the car) he YELLED at me for EMBARRASING him in front of his friend. I told him, "Well I didn't mean to embarrass you. Just making a point that those people you talked about are Muslims as well". He yelled so bad at me and asked Allah to CURSE me for saying that in front of his friend.

    I went home not understanding what I did wrong. I had not meant to embarrass him. Allah told us if we see something wrong to change it with our "hand, tongue, then heart" and the heart is the weakest of the three.

    Situations like that have happened repeatedly in front of my children. Sometimes while arguing he'll call me a "piece of sh**" he will call me "mother of trash" (in arabic) and countless other demeaning names.

    I am not going to sit here and tell you I was perfect. Far from it. I have done mistakes and said mean things to him as well.

    Needless to say, there is A LOT of issues between us and at this time in my life, I just want to be done with this marriage. It doesn't feel loving. It feels like a facade. I smile on the outside but internally my Nafs is struggling. It is pulling me to divorce him and another part of my Nafs is still very fearful about the future should I divorce.

    So sister Sumaira and Sister Ray of Hope and Br Mahmoud, I thank you fellow Muslims so much for not only taking the time to read my troubled comments, but also for offering insightful and motivating advice using Quran and Sunnah. Thank you so much. It is because of your words, I find myself becoming stronger as a person. Mash'Allah may Allah reward you all for your efforts and help.

    As-Salamu Alakium.

    Now how is a woman suppose to take that

    • Wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Although I can't defend what your husband said about Somalis, in general, even with a good husband, you don't want to be correcting him in front of his friend! Otherwise he will get angry(unjustified, but it's a natural feeling) and the effect might not be that great.

      Sister A means very well however, she doesn't seem to have known the husband you have and the father I have. These types are only known by the people who live with them every day, in public they can act quite differently.

      However, as you've posted, I'm starting to think......your husband has what seems to me a more horrific set of characteristics which far surpass anything else.

      Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Whoever has (the following) four characteristics will be a pure hypocrite: If he speaks, he tells a lie; if he gives a promise, he breaks it; if he makes a covenant he proves treacherous; and if he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil, insulting manner (unjust). And whoever has one of these characteristics, has one characteristic of a hypocrite unless he gives it up.” [Sahih Bukhari]

      إِنَّ الْمُنَافِقِينَ فِي الدَّرْكِ الْأَسْفَلِ مِنَ النَّارِ وَلَن تَجِدَ لَهُمْ نَصِيرًا
      Indeed, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire - and never will you find for them a helper -

      • Oh, and whatever happens, you need to avoid even the thoughts of zina, by any means necessary, even divorce. Allah commands us,

        وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا ۖ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
        And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.

        I've said this far earlier, but if you are getting these thoughts again.........you have no right to anger Allah, disgrace yourself by this act and your husband. This is inexcusable.

        I'm saying this, because the subject was brought up again and I didn't know if these feelings resurfaced in you or not.

  19. Walekum Salam dear Sister Noha,

    Being weekend, i was occupied with my routine weekend jobs hence couldnt respond to you but believe me, you were there in my mind somewhere and i did think of you and your issues somewhere within.

    listen sister, i will not judge you or your husband now. i simply know that NO human being is perfect, we all have our own flaws and faults, the same is applicable on you as well as on your husband. And everybody has their own level of thinking, feeling, talking and dealing with various aspect of life. Marriage is all about living together with mostly a person who totally differ from you in everything. As i have said earlier also that even best relationships need certain compromises and to ignore certain traits of partner. if both can live accepting this eternal way, the marriage runs else it fails somewhere for one reason or another.

    for example, about your trying to correct your husband through your defense of Muslims, i also feel that you did nothing wrong but i also know that nobody especially men who have higher ego and so called self esteem (they generally don't digest if corrected/advised by their women(wife) infront of others, so his reaction was obvious. you felt bad because you had pure intention but your husband being a man didnt understand and took it in some other way.

    anyways, coming back to the point, based on my experience and observation, if either of the party feels out of it, like you have and you really reached the point " I TRULY NO LONGER have any feelings for him" and it really does not make any difference to you if he divorce you or get a second wife. And you now really do not want to remain in this marriage. Then it shows the future of this marriage.

    but my concern is "It is pulling me to divorce him and another part of my Nafs is still very fearful about the future should I divorce". this is really confusing and complicated thing.

    (i will write back again, office work.....)

  20. Assalamoalikum,

    I guess the being born and brought up in different cultures (US and Egypt) have definitely an issue in this relation ship handling .

    Some of the sisters ni the forum looks kind of Day dreaming women here with hopes of Mr right which doesn't exist in the world .
    Most of men in anger says i don't love you or i am there for you only for kids sake lab lab laa ..
    He might have told many time because of getting anger too many times ..

    Here in the forum we are hearing one side of story from sister Nooha and based on those post some sisters are advising her or making her mind to take divorce ..

    Brother Mehmood looks like more in labelling some one as Munafique or non Munafique ..Not sure How he himself he behaves when he is alone ..He too might have done lot of actions which are sinful in privacy ..Does you call yourself as Munafique then ????? Please note that you are trying to convince some woman about her husband as Munafique or no ...

    We have heard one side of story from sister Nooha but not aware of other side of story from her husband ..

    It is still possible that her husband might have got angry many times because of sister Nooha's actions which she don' t realize it ...

    Regarding SEX even if you remarry and stay with new husband you will find most of men are almost same ..

    To take divorce or No is your decision but remember if your decision is because of some sisters motivation in the forum then there is some thing wrong in your decision ..

    Take your own decision ..Don't get carried away by members on the forum or lawyer .

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Brother Mehmood looks like more in labelling some one as Munafique or non Munafique ..Not sure How he himself he behaves when he is alone ..He too might have done lot of actions which are sinful in privacy ..Does you call yourself as Munafique then ????? Please note that you are trying to convince some woman about her husband as Munafique or no ...

      It was merely a valid point to be brought up. If someone combines a variety of characteristics mentioned in a hadith, it's not wrong to bring it up.

    • We have heard one side of story from sister Nooha but not aware of other side of story from her husband ..

      Which is usually the case on this forum.....

      Regarding SEX even if you remarry and stay with new husband you will find most of men are almost same ..

      Weird......ewwwwww

      Sister Noha, all the advice any of us give you is not enough. Please do Salatul Istikharah on this issue.
      http://www.islaam.net/main/display.php?id=608&category=111

  21. Dear Sister Noha,

    i had thought that i would write again but i am unable to say anything as i am feeling very disturbed today as my ex suddenly visited me at my office and left the money i had sent back to him as per my moral and religious beliefs. He said that i hurt him but on the other hand said to reconcile the relationship. sister sumaira knows about it all and i tried to write to her but editor deleted that. i dont mean to use your post for my problem, i am just saying that i am unable to write to you for time being and i am sorry for that. Your Sister. i need duas this time. please remember me in your duas

    • Sister Ray of hope,

      Don't be upset. Remember what was said last time. Forget the past. Do not go back to him. He is not good for you as you know. Just get someone else to speak to him on your behalf. Do not contact him. Just say you have one week to take your stuff via my sister or friend or i will donate to charity. Be firm and keep to the point dont answer or discuss anything else! Thats it then leave it at that and at that! Just keep praying and distract yourself and keep busy.

      Don't worry everything will be fine Insha Allah.

      Take care sis xx

  22. As-Salamu Alakium

    Sister Ray of Hope- Your ex suddenly visited you? Does he want to remarry you again? What is going on sister? I pray and hope everything is well with you as I can tell from your comments that you are a very nice and pious Muslimah. I will make du'aas for you sister. May Allah guide you towards all that is beneficial Amen.

    Brother Mahmoud- Thank you for your continued advise Brother. It is very interesting that you sent the characteristics of a Munafiq hadith because I have been secretly thinking along those lines in regards to my spouse Astag'firAllah May Allah forgive me.
    Anytime a person swears to Allah one day and say something COMPLETELY OPPOSITE of that the next day is either a psycho, liar, or Munafiq no other way to call it other than what it is.

    I will continue to pray Salat Al-Istikara.

    Sister Positive- You might mean well sister and thank you for your opinion, but trust me when I tell you I am simply seeking out advice and wisdom from the Muslims on this forum who have also gone through similar situations as myself. If they had any effect on my decided to divorce my husband, trust me I would have divorced him three months ago when people were suggesting me to do so. My family have also told me to leave him COUNTLESS of times and I am STILL in this marriage trying to hang on with patience.

    While hanging on with patience, I cannot be a fool and bury my head in the sand when it comes to gaining my financial independence, self-esteem back, and self-respect.

    Br Mahmoud, Sister Sumaira, and Sister Ray of Hope have played an instrumental part in helping me build my self-worth. I will always be thankful to them and May Allah reward their efforts.

    If Muslims are going through problems and cannot rely on other Muslims to help them along the way than who can we rely upon (of course we rely first on Allah (SWT)) and there is nothing in the Quran that states we cannot ask our Muslims brothers and sisters for advice (of course depending on it being based on Quran and sunnah); My brothers and sisters on this forum have told me NOTHING that COUNTERS the Quran or Sunnah so therefore their advise is greatly appreciated.

    At the end of the day though, only Noha is responsible for making the decision to stay or leave. May Allah continue to guide me towards the correct way Amen.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      It's not anywhere in my area as a man to suggest another Muslimah get divorced unless the case is absolutely serious(alcohol, drugs, abusing the children, etc.) What you do is your decision and you should do Istikharah from Allah aza wa jal.

      All I've done is post ayat and hadith which I hope brought comfort and hope, and a little bit of tidbits on how you should protect yourself financially and from zina.

      There was this hadith right before the hadith on nifaq in Riyadh as Saliheen about how it is unacceptable for someone to set a woman against her husband which got me a little afraid......maybe I have done that or something close to that. Astaghfirullah.

      I'll say, it's only recently that things have exploded. Men can keep the anger in for quite a while. Perhaps if you give your husband a while to cool down and regain himself, he will see what he has to lose and start amending his behavior. Men have egos and so they want to get "the last word in." So naturally, after a fight, even one you think is a "resolved one" he might say a few things to you to make himself feel better.

      Here is my suggestion-cool down since it's clear you come here when you are emotional, think things through yourself, then re-read the last 20-30 bits of naseeha. From Sister A, Sumaira, Ray of Hope, and everyone else. What happens is you are constantly shocked at your husbands actions, although to an outsider a lot of what he does is understandable(although, not justifiable.) But you are too emotional to realize that and you go back and come back and it's this horrible cycle........sometimes you need to wait things out a bit. You don't want to be unstable emotionally, this is bad for children. I remember that when my own mother was stressed out like this, my sister and I weren't doing well(to say the least.) That's because the mother is a pillar of emotional support. When the mother is stressed out, the children are full of fear and are themselves stressed out and want the situation to end (even if the parents say, "it's not your fault, this has nothing to do with you."

      Keep in touch with your family because although they might not be Muslim(I'm guessing?...don't want to judge) they are a source of rahma. Even a 20 minute phone talk with one of your relatives will be good. Talk to close relatives, it should alleviate some of the stress and you will be fulfilling a commandment of Allah(keeping ties of kith and kin) which increases provision and lifespan. You can't only come to some online Muslims for support and comfort although.

      What my mother did when she was stressed out like you was talk to her mother and her brother who were very close to her. Wallahi, this helped out a lot.

      فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
      So verily, with the hardship, there is relief,

      إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
      Verily, with the hardship, there is relief (i.e. there is one hardship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs).

      http://www.islamqa.info/en/5112
      Are there any duas to remove my deppresion?

      Praise be to Allaah.

      In al-Saheehayn it was reported from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when he felt distressed:

      “La ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem ul-Haleem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb il-‘arsh il-‘azeem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb is-samawaati wa Rabb il-ard wa Rabb il-‘arsh il-kareem (there is no god except Allaah, the All-Mighty, the Forbearing; there is no god except Allaah, the Lord of the Mighty Throne; there is no god except Allaah, Lord of the heavens, Lord of the earth and Lord of the noble Throne).”

      And it was reported from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when something upset him:

      “Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom, bi Rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living One, O Everlasting One, by Your mercy I seek help).”

      And it was reported that Asmaa’ bint ‘Umays (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: “Shall I not teach you some words to say when you feel distressed? ‘Allaah, Allaah, Rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an (Allaah, Allaah, my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him).’”

      It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:

      ‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety)’

      - but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.”

      Al-Kalim al-Tayyib by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, edited by Shaykh al-Albaani, p. 72

  23. Sister Noha,

    I did post a comment few days ago. Don't know if it was deleted or i didnt post correctly. I cant resubmit everything again. I will just say you need to accept that your husband will not change to the way you want him to be. You cant force someone to change. You said he possessed these characteristics from before. So this is his personality. It is incredibly difficult to change habits.

    Everyone is different with their characteristics, emotions and habits. Thats where it clashes. And thats where you need to compromise. But it may look like you are doing most of the compromising here where it may seem your husband is making little effort. When there are major problems in a marriage even the little things may seem so significent. You then start making a mountain out of a mole hill. There are men who change their mood like the colours of the rainbow. Generally men do say nasty things at the height of arguements just to hurt you but they may not mean it.

    You must stop being so emotional and give your mind some breathing space. Don't look into your husbands words too much. You know how he is just take it in one ear out the other. Just tell him what you need to say calmly and walk out if he starts argueing. Move away from the heated situation.

    Do other things put your husband out of the box. The world doesn't revolve around him. Do your own things. If you cant get emotional support from him then talk to family or friends instead. I know it is not ideal as a husband and wife should be garments for another and should share their happiness and sadness phisically and emotionally. You have to try to make the best of what you have.

    Its up to you to make or break. You need to evaluate the situation with a clear head. You need to asses what characteristics of your husband you can live with and what you cant. Please think about your kids and stay strong for them. There is no right and wrong if you choose to stay or divorce at the end of the day what matters is what is right for YOU.

    Take care sister and stand strong. Xx

  24. As-salam-alaikum

    Dear Sister Noha,

    This would be perhaps my last post here on this website and i am writing with a disturbed mind and soul , my words could be weird so bear with it. i came here especially for you to write to you because i really considered you as my elder sister. so keeping aside what i am going through i just want you to advice you that no relationship is perfect, no marriage can be successful without making certain adjustments and compromises. so no matter if you remain with this husband or get a new one. No man will ever be able to meet your emotional needs, please know this. so i would advice you that if possible please make certain compromises with your husband and also ask him to have some for your sake. make some arrangements between both of you to keep those things at bay which causes problems for example you can choose to spend your earning in saving and paying off your student loan than looking at your husband and expecting him to pay or feeling angry for his not paying. you can ask him not to have physical intimacy if you say a clear no or you can ask him to not to approach you in the certain manner that you dislike. divorce is not a solution for you by any mean. you know that you are not strong enough emotionally, physically or emotionalize to face the aftermath of divorce. from your posts, its clear that you are not a such person who can live at her own. you would need someone to be with you and somewhere you even dont want to get divorced. remember my sister, if you have any hope or dream that you would ever get a person (if you remarry or out of marriage) who would fulfill your emotional needs then you are merely day dreaming, your problems and emotional wounds would merely increase for one reason or another. and its very difficult especially for men to accepts someone else's kids to love as his own. if you choose not to remarry then considering your soft personality, there would always be risk of your becoming a victim in hands of other men. To most of men, divorcee or widow are consider to be easily available. women being emotional and soft by nature, can often get into it without even knowing or realizing it. whatever i am saying is for your betterment. i dont see any fruitful result if you divorce your husband as divorce cant fulfill your emotional needs nor it can bring you peace of mind and heart as you are seeing that i might. but if you still feel that you just cant live in this marriage then just walk out so you can have peace and let your husband too and ready to face the uglier and more difficult problems ahead. i would quote Sister Sumaira's words "Its up to you to make or break. You need to evaluate the situation with a clear head. You need to asses what characteristics of your husband you can live with and what you cant. Please think about your kids and stay strong for them. There is no right and wrong if you choose to stay or divorce at the end of the day what matters is what is right for YOU." Dear Sister Sumaira (if possible, please pass on this message to my little sister Anxious Soul too), i am on verge of losing everything. i am losing my sanity, my sabr(patience), hopes and i am failing with my disguise of keeping myself normal anymore and distracting myself from the issues going on within. i have been in acute depression. Either i would be going insane or would commit suicide. i know committing suicide is a sin but the sin i have done till date and i still fear i would again, its better to die than living this way. I am a one man woman and i cant love or marry anyone else (as a matter of fact, there have been no marriage proposals), with this period of 7-8 months being away from him, apparently i looked i could move on but from inner, i actually went into acute depression, i tried all ways(doing lots of prayers, supplication, shopping, eating, fitness regime, dong nonsense things etc) out but at the end, i am failing. i have developed OCD ( I feel i am no longer a Muslim, i am merely posing to be, i hear whispers and get bad thoughts/ideas about my practicing deen, about even deen and even Allah (Swt) Astaghfirrulah. the more i get myself into prayers and learning about my deen, the more i am suffering with it all) and on side i would try to be close to my deen, praying and dong dhikr but on other side, i am losing my sanity. my family especially my parents were never there earlier not even now, i looked for solace in them, i tried to serve them to my best but they always complained about this and that. they eventually helped me turning psycho within. i tried to share with my elder sister but she is widow and have a lot of problems with her life. i tried to put to her in balanced manner but she got too affected that i had to stop sharing with her as i feel that she has kids to take care and i cant let her affect with my problems. i have no friends, no relative, no colleague either with whom i can share what i am going through. i was trying my best to move on but when he visited me on that he looked like a dead person. he left the sum and the stuff at my office and left saying that i have hurt him like anything. i felt so furious that i couldn't resist visiting him to let him know what i was going through and he hurt me actually but there i found out that a person who had never touched cigarette or alcohol all his life (he is 40 years , started smoking like a chain smoker and even drinking. He even had kept the note i had sent to him right on his table putting date when i sent to him and he would smoke 7-10 cigarette in a hour, we talked a lot and it was clear that he too was going through acute depression and he was destroying his life because i was not with him. i know this that he too is a one woman man and he would never love anyone else nor he would go to any girl ever. please know that he is a man of character and principles. he is not like usual men.since i visited all of sudden so everything was as it is means no artificiality was there by any mean. i checked his cigarette packets and he smoked a lot earlier too. we talked and argued for hours. it was clear to notice that he was destroying his life because i was not with him. THIS KILLED ME LIKE ANYTHING. i am all alone responsible for turning his life this way. i made him to smoke and even drink. He lives alone (his family lives in different city) and like me, he too a disturbed family, no peace from his family members, his elder sister is a spinster and she wont let him have peace (she though does not say but does not want him to be married either) , he too just like me, have no friends, no good colleague or relative to talk or visit. he had shifted to my city for my sake. i completely broke there seeing him lifeless, totally wrack and in so much pain and destroying his life this way. to me, he is like my child, i couldnt see him that way and i hugged him and then we got physically close. i was hating myself for getting back there but on other side i was feeling either to commit suicide for spoiling someone's life apart from mine. i had wanted to run away from there but i just couldnt. i decided to make him normal and then if understand then i would ask him to convert to Islam and marry me, let it be a secret one , it doesnt matter to me if my family or his family do not know about it. but its Allah(Swt) who does. i ask Allah(Swt) to either do something to kill me or make me insane or do things just that way that we both either get married or get parted for good once more. Allah (Swt) knows this that we love each other spiritually and we both are committed to each other only. we have not been together for physical pleasure (sex) or for money or for good looks as mostly people do, we love each other deeply a lot but its just like that due to different religion, i am not able to marry him so far. He has taken a vow not to marry for sake of his elder sister who is unmarried (55 years) who sacrificed her life for the family and raised him like her son, not brother. my problem is that Islam does not allow a muslim woman to marry a non muslim man unless and unitll he converts into Islam. he does not believe in Islam and has been moderately practicing his religion, he does not mind my practicing islam but i cant marry him. Else i am ready to have a secret marriage with him. like a mad i checked internet to learn about marriage with him, i learnt that one has to convert by heart and soul to Islam before getting married, but if one does covert only for the sake of marriage and not because he has truly accepted Islam as his way of life, then in the sight of the believers (world), it will be valid nikah (unless and until he speaks out) BUT in the sight of Allah (Swt) this marriage will NOT BE VALID!! I have no one around who loves me and cares for me. l still have no hopes from my parents to get me married(Forget that i would say no), i have been good to everyone around and people call me nice, good and lovely girl. i waited all those years to get married, never had flirted with boys, loved only one man and want to be married to him but i just cant. i just cant keep myself sane and i spoil another life with mine. Ya Allah (Swt) what to do, i fear Allah and going to hell fire for my sin but i also cant live this way either. i have been a practical girl all my life and followed moral values but where do i stand today? my parents or siblings couldnt give me love or care, they couldn't understand my sincerely and my serving to them ever, even till today, my parents complain of what i dont do or where i lack but they never appreciate what i do for thier sake and is it my fault being born as a girl, because my parents say that I CAN NEVER BE WHAT THEIR SON SHOULD HAVE BEEN. my brothers left them and do not care for them but i do, i have done my best being a female to care for them but today i have nothing from them. i have become a burden on them. my parents didnt give me any islamic education which might have help since beginning. pleas know that i didnt fall in love with him just because my parents or my family didnt love or care for me. i love this man and i want to marry him. i now want to either die or be married to him. i cant live spoiling another life with mine. As of now, we are together again though no talking as such, no meeting as such, we both are silent. i dont know where it would go. i just feel bad about me and everything around. i was hoping to have a secret nikah on document as of now asking him to convert for sake of marriage as of now and later i might turn him to Islam but as i read on internet such nikah will not be valid in sight of Allah(Swt) but my being with him is also a sin. if i distance myself again, he this time would drain himself out of life and i will too. i feel that i have to choose among these options 1. To commit suicide 2. To do things that he should hate me and leave me. (if i do this, i would die but he would spoil his life too) 3. To leave everything my family, him, my job and go somewhere as i soon will mad or insane, i can foresee it 4. To marry him secretly (nikah) even knowing that his conversion to Islam will not be from his soul but if anyone comes to know about our relation, this nikah doc will save us and with this nikah, i have chances to truly let him accept Islam. i feel that every option is equilvialnt to a sin but i have to choose one than doing a bigger sin. The burden of guilt having committed zina (i have been such stupid girl that i had never thought that if you love someone, physical intimacy is an aspect of it, i never ever thought of physical intimacy for pleasure as such )with him is already there in my head like anything, on top of that the shaitani waswasa/evil thoughts are turning me insane, i now feel more guilty for spoiling his life, me being reason of his loneliness, his suffering and his getting addictive to injurious things (yesterday i was with him and i kept him distracting from smoking/drinking) but in dong this, on one side, i was bit relief but on other side i was feeling more guilt being in such haram relationship once again. i feel i go crazy. i should just die. i dont know what i would do and what will happen to me or him either. You all, please remember me in your duas if i live or die or just go insane.

    Allah hafiz

    Your Sister

    • Sr Noha : I apologize, for posting this on your page, but I really need to say these things to her.

      @ Ray of Hope : I'm going to be very brisk and sharp and harsh this time.you know what my first instinct was on reading your comment?I slapped my forehead and thought 'I KNEW this was gonna happen'.This is exactly why I didn't advise you to send those things back to him and I was quite apprehensive when I read you had.So sis, inspite of all the lessons you had learnt from your past mistake, inspite of all you have learnt about Islam, inspite of all the good advice you give to people, inspite of your knowing full well the sin of zina/marriage with a non muslim/secret marriage without a wali, you are still going back to that man.WAKE UP, WOMAN.What could be better for a 40 year old man who has very 'conveniently' taken a vow not to marry for his elder sister, but couldn't take a vow to stay chaste as well, to be involved in a haram relationship with a younger woman, who satisfies his all his physical and emotional needs, without any of the responsibilities of marriage?I am inferring that this guy is either a Hindu or a Christian.Well hon, both of these religions strongly abhor premarital involvement so you cant say he is devout even to his religion.And you spent those 7-8 months of acute depression trying to better yourself as a Muslim and person.What did he do?Smoke and drink?Is this really the kind of person you want to spend your life with?AND DON'T YOU DARE BLAME HIS SMOKING AND DRINKING ON YOURSELF.Everyone is responsible for the choices they make.This guy let you go himself in a very bad way.When a decent guy truly loves a girl, he goes to her family, asks for her hand in marriage and marries her.PERIOD.FULL STOP.And I don't care if you have no friends or relatives and if your relations with parents are not good.they brought you up, fed you and clothed you and gave you a home and a good education, didn't they?Is this how you repay them, by becoming the plaything of a guy like this.What is your future with him?None.And you seemed just fine in your posts, before he arrived on the scene again.And what happened to your burgeoning Imaan, and all your fine dialogues about Allah and Islam and purdah?was is that weak to just simmer away at the sight of this man?And you cant even give the excuse this time that your Islamic knowledge wasn't good enough for you to realize how sinful this was. shaitaan is playing with your head big,big time, why cant you get that???And if he smokes or drinks, that's his call. he is old enough to know his own right and wrong. And if you absolutely had to go visit him, why couldn't you have just calmly sat him down and told you he would have to marry you, on your terms other wise there was no future for both of you, instead of arguing and crying about who hurt who and then falling into each others arms like a bad movie?Sis Girls like you are the natural prey of men like these.For God's sake STOP THIS NONSENSE, repent right now, tell him calmly that there is no future between you two, and NEVER, EVER contact him again.And stop all this foolishness about suicide.you won't commit suicide, neither will he.No one dies for anyone in this world, inspite of what all the stupid movies say.And even if he smokes and drinks himself into an early death or shoots himself (which he wont) you MUST stay on the right path, even if you stay lonely and friendless and depressed for the rest of your life.Allah will reward you a hundredfold for it in the hereafter.This is definitely my last post of advice to you because I'm just so mad at you.Your path is clear.The choice now, is upto you.

      • Sister Ray of hope,

        What sis anxoius soul has said are exactly my feelings towards you too. I second her strongly in everything she said. You have become a ray of hope after leaving this desiese and now what do you do when he shows up to prey on you again, you jump back into his arms. Please WAKE UP! I feel really bad it was my fault for telling you to return the stuff. I thought you would be strong enough to be firm with him and do the right thing! Listen to your own advice that you have given other women who are manupilated by men! Overnight you have changed from being calm and hopeful and on your way to becoming a pius muslima to a suicidal women!! Look what his done to you just in a few days! You have just come out of a blazing fire, why have you jumped back in! How could he manupilate you like a puppet on a string! Obvoiusly he is toxic for your duniya and akhira sister, you know as well as me. You are not to blame for anything he does. Noone is responsible for another persons sins! He chose to drink and smoke. Thats not your problem what he does and how poorly he is. He is NOT your husband. He is not muslim. Why are you believing in his lies and letting him take advantage of you! Again you are being incredibily sensitive and blaming yourself.STOP. Think with your brain not heart. Please listen to yourself! Seriously after reading your post what advice will you give your self. Just because this predator lies to you and plays the blame game now you are willing to throw away Islam, your family your duniya and akhira for him! Who is more important to you? Allah or this man?? You know exactly what you SHOULD do sister. You know what the right thing is. You are strong, you are brave and Allah is by yourside always. You can do it sister. Walk away from him forever. There are no excuses for sins. Allah has shown you the light please leave the darkness forever. Leave him! Allah will bring you peace. Xxx

  25. Ray of Hope ,

    Throw this man out of your life ..He is no future for you .
    Make some good Islamic friends in your circle and spend some time with them .If you stay alone you might get all negative thoughts in your mind so make some good Islamic friends and spend some time with them ..
    Join some classes ,training institutes and keep your self busy ..

    Try to patch up with your parents ...Most of of the parent love their kids despite all issues ..

    Choice is yours ..Own goes towards Good akhirat and other seems to be going towards Hell (if you go with this man) ...

    Every human is responsible for their actions once he is matured ..

    Allah hafiz

  26. As-Salamu Alakium

    Sister Ray of Hope,

    My dearest Sister, I had NO CLUE you were suffering for so long. Subhan'Allah may Allah make it easy for you. As far as your situation, you should leave this man ALONE. He is NON-Muslim, smokes, Drinks, and he seems to be very unstable. If he isn't able to live with you, and this has caused him to self-destruct, then it is HIS OWN fault NOT yours. You did not FORCE him to CHAIN SMOKE, nor Are you FORCING this GROWN MAN to drink.

    Whatever issues and problems he is going through, dear sister don't let him drag you along with him. You always advise me to be tough and firm. It is your time now to be grounded and firm and strong in your deen for the sake of yourself and your family.

    You mentioned your family did not treat you well.. Regardless of the treatment you are still their daughter and I am sure they would be absolutely heart broken if you decided to marry this non-muslim who is simply wallowing away in self-destructive behaviors.

    Sister NO man is WORTH your SANITY. Just be patient. Allah will send you a Muslim brother when you are least expecting it. Remember to keep your self busy with your work, job, home, and other activities.

    Also try to keep your mind occupied with remembrance of Allah and striving to do good deeds that will bring you closer to Him.

    Sister I will make du'aa for you.

    As for myself, I am still an emotional roller-coaster. Last week my HUsband swore that he was divorcing me this week he told me he wants to save the marriage. I am realizing that the only one that can truly find peace in this relationship is me. If I want peace I need to do what is right in order to have it. Right now I want to just divorce him and be done with the emotional upheaval. It is too time consuming and emotionally draining.

    I will be fine as long as I trust and believe Allah SWT will guide me through. Insha'Allah.

    Sister you have to be strong. Remember the life is a test. Don't succumb to your lower desires with a non-muslim man. It isn't worth throwing away your akhirah for.

    Keep us updated sister.
    Yours in Islam

    Noha

  27. Asak sisters,

    I see unfortunately sister Noah's topic is diverted to sister "Ray of Hopes" case .
    I wish both of you ladies to face out challenges bravely and sort issues ..Ray of Hope you need to be more clear on life as you are dealing with non Muslim man and threat to your imaan ....You need to throw him out of your life .

    Noha , I hope you will still try to work out on your marriage as life looks green outside but it wont be ..

    Allah hafiz

  28. Sister Noha, was wondering on an update with your husband? Are you still considering divorce or trying to makyour marriage work?

  29. I believe some things cannot be explained by religion- but common sense God gave us. It is not hard to see for an educated person that your husband does not love you. Go with your gut instinct. If he cannot even respect you in that he has sex with you when you are unaware or unwilling there is something wrong with him. Do you really want to spend this lifetime with a person like that?

  30. Dear Norah ,

    I can understand the problem but you need to set limits for everything .Under such situation you are vulnerable to fall for some guy outside your marriage and that will be totally HARAM and sinfull .
    Please note that romance takes back seat after marriage and there is nothing called perfect match .

    Wish you good luck .

    Allah hafiz

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