My husband is a good man but emotionally unavailable
I am having my own issues with my husband. I have been married for 10 years Alhumdudilah and have 4 children. I live in the West and am a housewife. My children go to private school and are happy. We just moved to a big five bedroom home in a nice child friendly neighbourhood that have many children and Muslims. I am a muslimah who wears hijab so it is very comforting to see other Muslim families in my neighbourhood. Life should be great for me and it is.. I thank Allah SWT for the many blessings He has given to me and my family. However, I am at times quite unhappy.
My husband owns a business and works long hours. He often comes home tired and drained of energy.. I do not mind this because I know he is working hard and is providing for me and our children financially.. Although he provides financially and has a happy personality he does not satisfy me emotionally and physically.
He is INCAPABLE of EMPATHY for me when I am hurt or upset about something he does. If I am hurt and complain to him, he always seems to interject HIMSELF into the conversation and play victim. He even does this with our children. I have a son who is ADHD and requires alot of care. My husband LOVES his children but is not good nurturer or talker. So sometimes my son (who is also ill mannered) might yell at me.
When he does this, I get a flip flop and hit him. My husband yells at me to stop hitting him IN front of my son. This is sending my poor son mixed signals. So much so that all my children are quiet and obedient when I am home with them but as son as their dad comes home they act out. They are being disciplined by two ways. When i tell my husband we need to both be on the same page, he says nothing is wrong, Why am I COMPLAINING about him. He cant seem to have a discussion without putting himself in it. He is also a shallow person.
Needless to say i have been putting up with his emotional abuse for many years now. He is so self-centered, that his "its all about me" attitude has now transferred over to the children. When my oldest is telling me how his day went in school, my husband talks over him about something HE did at work.
When my husband has wronged me and left me feeling upset, and I talk to him about it, he tells me "well one time you did ME like that".. It's like I can NEVER convey how I feel without him interjecting himself into the conversation. My sex life is a complete joke. He has rubbed against me (while I had on clothes) and gotten off and leaves me sexually unsatisfied.
I am American and he is Egyptian. He talks about blacks, Asians, and Indians sometimes in a stereotypical manner. When I tell him it is Haraam to speak ill of our brothers and sisters he'll say "so what". He never reads and is not well-read on anything. When I speak about a topic, he'll bring up the topic to someone else as if he were an expert but in reality he got the information from me.
He MIRRORS everything I say. If I complain about something and use some words, when we argue another time he will repeat my words by using them against me. He is selfish in the bedroom. When we are intimate, he does not go inside but will rub against me and release. He has done this more than 50 times. I have told him more than 20 times how sick and disgusting I find that act and chose not to do it. He listen, tells me ok, but is right back at it a week later. I have been woken up and forced to have sex with him. A couple of times I was sound asleep and he had sex with me.
Sometimes I am tired and he will force himself on me physically and make me have relations with him. Sometimes he wakes me up and makes me have relations. He always does a disgusting sexual act on me that I told him I cannot stand but he does it anyway.
The kids (especially my oldest) can sense that something isn't right but being 9 he is too young to express himself.
When me and my husband argue, I might in the middle of it call him an idiot. He turns around and calls me a piece of s.h.it. I tell him that is so foul how can you stoop so low. He tells me well I called him an idiot.
I want both of us to grow in the Deen. He reads Quran in the morning but does not apply what he read. Sometimes in the heat of a silly argument I might call him immature or idiotic. He will then call me a "piece of s.h.i.t". When I ask him why he stoop so low to call me that, he'll say well I called him idiotic so he called me piece of s.h.i.t. When I try to explain to him that in English this is a disrespectful and disgusting word, he'll say for him it isn't.
Besides our 4 beautiful children (Alhumdudilah) we have nothing else in common. He will talk about his job, cars, and homes...We talk about small superficial things. I love to discuss politics, Islam, etc. He won't engage me in a meaningful conversation.
He cannot think for himself at times. Anything the media or a person says about anything, he will try to discuss this with other people as if he's read so much about it. I am a stay at home mother and have a Masters degree but chose to stay at home until my twins start pre-school. Once I work, I am not sure how much of this marriage I can endure.
Whenever I open my heart to him and explain to him how emotionally distant and indifferent he is to my feelings and needs, he tells me: "why am I being so ungrateful. I provide for you and the kids and work my behind off at work". He'll then say "well teach me how to be close to you". I cannot teach a grown man how to be emotionally available when it just isn't in him.
I am grateful for my children and the fact that he is a good provider.I just don't know if that is all there is to a marriage.. Perhaps I am too needy. However the more I read up on narcissism and passive aggressive behavior in men, the more I am convinced my husband has some symptoms of this behavior.
I am so ready to throw in the towel but he is a good provider and buys me and the kids whatever we want. For the past 4 years now I have been having fantasies about other men and i know it is not good. Astagfirlah. When I was working part-time in a school, there was a male teacher who flirted with me and being that I was so hungry for some type of emotional feelings, I reciprocated Astagfirlah . I feel so bad about this and have asked Allah to forgive me.
The male teacher relocated to another school only after some three months I was there. It wasn't that I loved or even liked this man. It was just the fact that he showed interest in education (myself as well) and children that led me to partake in flirting back with him.
This was when I knew I wasn't right with my husband. May Allah forgive me and my husband.
Tagged as: flirting, Lack of discipline, Lack of emotional and physical satisfaction, loneliness, Racism and back biting, sexual relations