Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is a good man but emotionally unavailable

Husband is going astray

I want to bring my husband back

As-Salamu Alakium

I am having my own issues with my husband. I have been married for 10 years Alhumdudilah and have 4 children. I live in the West and am a housewife. My children go to private school and are happy. We just moved to a big five bedroom home in a nice child friendly neighbourhood that have many children and Muslims. I am a muslimah who wears hijab so it is very comforting to see other Muslim families in my neighbourhood. Life should be great for me and it is.. I thank Allah SWT for the many blessings He has given to me and my family. However, I am at times quite unhappy.

My husband owns a business  and works long hours. He often comes home tired and drained of energy.. I do not mind this because I know he is working hard and is providing for me and our children financially.. Although he provides financially and has a happy personality he does not satisfy me emotionally and physically.

He is INCAPABLE of EMPATHY for me when I am hurt or upset about something he does. If I am hurt and complain to him, he always seems to interject HIMSELF into the conversation and play victim. He even does this with our children. I have a son who is ADHD and requires alot of care. My husband LOVES his children but is not good nurturer or talker. So sometimes my son (who is also ill mannered) might yell at me.

When he does this, I get a flip flop and hit him. My husband yells at me to stop hitting him IN front of my son. This is sending my poor son mixed signals. So much so that all my children are quiet and obedient when I am home with them but as son as their dad comes home they act out. They are being disciplined by two ways. When i tell my husband we need to both be on the same page, he says nothing is wrong, Why am I COMPLAINING about him. He cant seem to have a discussion without putting himself in it. He is also a shallow person.

Needless to say i have been putting up with his emotional abuse for many years now. He is so self-centered, that his "its all about me" attitude has now transferred over to the children. When my oldest is telling me how his day went in school, my husband talks over him about something HE did at work.

When my husband has wronged me and left me feeling upset, and I talk to him about it, he tells me "well one time you did ME like that".. It's like I can NEVER convey how I feel without him interjecting himself into the conversation. My sex life is a complete joke. He has rubbed against me (while I had on clothes) and gotten off and leaves me sexually unsatisfied.

I am American and he is Egyptian. He talks about blacks, Asians, and Indians sometimes in a stereotypical manner. When I tell him it is Haraam to speak ill of our brothers and sisters he'll say "so what". He never reads and is not well-read on anything. When I speak about a topic, he'll bring up the topic to someone else as if he were an expert but in reality he got the information from me.

He MIRRORS everything I say. If I complain about something and use some words, when we argue another time he will repeat my words by using them against me. He is selfish in the bedroom. When we are intimate, he does not go inside but will rub against me and release. He has done this more than 50 times. I have told him more than 20 times how sick and disgusting I find that act and chose not to do it. He listen, tells me ok, but is right back at it a week later. I have been woken up and forced to have sex with him. A couple of times I was sound asleep and he had sex with me.

Sometimes I am tired and he will force himself on me physically and make me have relations with him. Sometimes he wakes me up and makes me have relations.  He always does a disgusting sexual act on me that I told him I cannot stand but he does it anyway.

The kids (especially my oldest) can sense that something isn't right but being 9 he is too young to express himself.
When me and my husband argue, I might in the middle of it call him an idiot. He turns around and calls me a piece of s.h.it. I tell him that is so foul how can you stoop so low. He tells me well I called him an idiot.

I want both of us to grow in the Deen. He reads Quran in the morning but does not apply what he read. Sometimes in the heat of a silly argument I might call him immature or idiotic. He will then call me a "piece of s.h.i.t". When I ask him why he stoop so low to call me that, he'll say well I called him idiotic so he called me piece of s.h.i.t. When I try to explain to him that in English this is a disrespectful and disgusting word, he'll say for him it isn't.

Besides our 4 beautiful children (Alhumdudilah) we have nothing else in common. He will talk about his job, cars, and homes...We talk about small superficial things. I love to discuss politics, Islam, etc. He won't engage me in a meaningful conversation.

He cannot think for himself at times. Anything the media or a person says about anything, he will try to discuss this with other people as if he's read so much about it. I am a stay at home mother and have a Masters degree but chose to stay at home until my twins start pre-school. Once I work, I am not sure how much of this marriage I can endure.

Whenever I open my heart to him and explain to him how emotionally distant and indifferent he is to my feelings and needs, he tells me: "why am I being so ungrateful. I provide for you and the kids and work my behind off at work". He'll then say "well teach me how to be close to you". I cannot teach a grown man how to be emotionally available when it just isn't in him.

I am grateful for my children and the fact that he is a good provider.I just don't know if that is all there is to a marriage.. Perhaps I am too needy. However the more I read up on narcissism and passive aggressive behavior in men, the more I am convinced my husband has some symptoms of this behavior.

I am so ready to throw in the towel but he is a good provider and buys me and the kids whatever we want. For the past 4 years now I have been having fantasies about other men and i know it is not good. Astagfirlah. When I was working part-time in a school, there was a male teacher who flirted with me and being that I was so hungry for some type of emotional feelings, I reciprocated Astagfirlah . I feel so bad about this and have asked Allah to forgive me.

The male teacher relocated to another school only after some three months I was there. It wasn't that I loved or even liked this man. It was just the fact that he showed interest in education (myself as well) and children that led me to partake in flirting back with him.

This was when I knew I wasn't right with my husband. May Allah forgive me and my husband.

Noha.

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , ,

199 Responses »

  1. Mashalah sister you are going through a lot,
    seems like you have married a child that was dressed up like a man,
    the women who sabr( have patience) in there disturbed marriage will go
    to heaven. It is allowed to divorce a man if he does not sexually satisfy you.
    I am not telling you to get a divorce but try speaking to him. Communication
    is the key even though it maybe harder for you.
    Please ask him about his life when he was younger, maybe he was braught
    up spoilt or badly and sadly that will effect the person in the future.
    This whole dry humping thing seems very awkward like we are women and
    we are not sexually satisfied easily compared to men who can visualize and
    simply become erect.
    Dear sister speak to his family or something, tell him to grow up. do not insult
    him since he will become worse if you do. Please pray to allah that things get
    better. Inshallah

    • Sister, can you cite evidence for this: " the women who sabr( have patience) in there disturbed marriage will go to heaven."

      Jazakillah Khair

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • i think you are missing the whole point of it..having sabr during this test of her marriage is a test of faith.helllllooooo

  2. sister Noha assalamu alaikum,

    Sister I understand..i think that in the west and the way men and women are brought up from childhood makes a huge difference and impact on their personalities in life..this starts in adolescence..He could've been a spoiled child as many arab men are by their mums and then they grow up still seeking that a mum in their wives..which can be good and bad. Having a loveless marriage in which their is NO CHEMISTRY I can see would be very trying..its like a front, acting as if all is well when it isn't..women crave attention and affection and simply paying the bills ISNT ENOUGH..sometimes I think culture plays a part..some men are TAUGHT how ot be loving and affection and attentive to women.

    I can identify as well with the convo part, im pretty educated as well and my husband isn't..he is a Lebanese farmer and didn't go past grade school and there is a disconnect as far as intellectuality wise..but you cant have everything...I think you all need to take a break ..away from the house, the business, take a vacation just you and him and try to reconnect.

  3. Salaams,

    You live in the US, and you seem to be doing well financially. What I also see is that you are making your fair share of contributions to the problem by apparently name-calling during arguments. This is inexcusable behavior. Period.

    Honestly, the problems you are citing in your husband are actually more common than you might realize (not saying that they are ideal or normal, but they are solveable). Many men have rough ways of dealing with women's emotional issues or lack in empathy. Many men get into a habit of pleasing themselves sexually and not paying enough attention to their wives. But you said yourself, you can't find any significant faults in him and the ones you have cited can be turned around.

    I suggest you two start going to marital counseling. There are a good number of Muslim therapists in the US, and even if you live in an area where there might not be one a regular therapist could still help you work out your problems. Therapy is good because it holds both the husband and wife accountable to their share of the dynamic, so if either aren't willing to change their habits then it becomes clear to both there is a basic issue of commitment. If that can't be resolved, then you know what you're really looking at and can make whatever choices you need to manage that.

    There's no point in making a list of things that your husband is doing wrong and picking apart every way he dissatisfies you. For instance, how much he reads or studies should have no impact on your life at all. Nor should how judgmental he is about others- you can ask him to keep his opinions to himself but you can't reasonably expect that the will change his character just for you. If he is to change his character, it should be out of taqwa and wanting to be a more tolerant, humble person overall. Your quality of life shouldn't hinge on his success in that area, but you do have a right to be treated with respect and kindness, and so does he.

    The solution is not to fantasize about being with someone else. Already this frustration you have has taken you too far when it comes to interacting with that teacher. That type of mindset betrays the idea that your happiness lies in the "right" person, and that every problem in your life is because of another person making you unhappy. That's not how it works. A lot of times our own misery comes from pride, false expectations about life and others, and a lack of true understanding of our place and purpose in this life. If you can revisit those areas with sincere scrutinty, it will be hard for you to find time to complain about what your husband is doing because you will see the immense work you will need to do on yourself to attain a place of proper submission to Allah. A good counselor can help you work on that, as well.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salam Sister,
    I am a firm believer in the idea that you cannot force others to behave the way you want. You can only control your own behavior, ideas, and reactions to various situations. Your husband may have some negative traits (as we all do), but this does not automatically make him an idiot or a bad person.

    It is clear from your post that you lack respect for your husband, and this undoubtedly shows in your interactions with him. I cannot, for example, really think of any situation in which it would be okay for a wife to call her husband an idiot...and yes, what he called you is far worse, but I think you guys really need to make a pact to never call each other names again. Once that door is open, it becomes really hard to shut.

    My suggestion is to enjoy your husband more and laugh with him when appropriate. In other words, lighten the mood a bit.

    Also, I think you are far too critical of his intellect. Even if, for example, he "steals" ideas from you when conversing with others, I think you should take this as a compliment and a sign that he is actually listening to what you say during your own conversations. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Sister, I am sure that you and most educated women are aware of the fact that men generally express themselves and show affection differently than women. Therefore try looking for his positive qualities to recognize his expressions of love. Providing for and being intimate with their wives are two major ways that men show they care. It may not be exactly what you want, but try to enjoy the intimate aspect of your life a bit more.

    I think when you have accepted your husband for who he is and genuinely enjoy being in his company, he will sense your change in attitude, which will make it easier to influence him when it comes to important issues like racial slurs and other things that are unbecoming of a Muslim. It may also improve things in other aspects of your married life.

    Also, although it can be confusing for children to be disciplined two different ways, I take it as a positive that your husband is uncomfortable with you hitting your son. Personally, I would find it hard to watch my spouse hitting my children, and I would also want him to stop me if I seemed to be disciplining my children too harshly. Although it is important to be on the same page, being on the same page does not automatically mean that your husband must follow or agree with your methods. And just because your children are obedient when he is not there does not mean that you are the one who is correct. It could actually be that they feel unable to express themselves fully until he enters the home, which is why they appear to act up or misbehave when he is there. Keep in mind that children do not stay small and obedient forever. Eventually, they will rebel and not respond to being hit.

    Sister, beware of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Once you start looking elsewhere for affection, it will become that much harder to find it within your halal married relationship. Focus on loving your husband and on trying to be more easy-going. Despite all that I have said, I am, in fact, sympathetic to your situation and understand that you are merely seeking a more meaningful relationship with your husband. It may seem that I am being critical of you, but as I said at the beginning of my post, you can really only change how you behave and perceive the situation. If you believe you have a miserable life and marriage, then it will remain so in your mind. But if you have the ability to be a bit more flexible with your husband, I think you will find it easy to be happy. Overall, it seems that he is a decent person who wants to please you - otherwise he would not ask you to "show" him what you want.

    • Salamat, nicely put points Sister A,

      Will inshAllah take from what u said too.

      Allah bless us all,

      Sister R

  5. Watch this video. The whole thing. It could really help you. It provides an insight to men. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=Jf6B4xk3kcI
    Remember, in relationships, women are the relationship experts. Dont try to change him because men resist change and they fight back. Men are incapable of managing relationships so it falls on the woman. Women can change themselves and shape their lives according to what they want to achieve.

    He works very hard for you and your kids and im glad you understand that. Always make him feel like he is a necessity to the existence of your family and show him respect. Insha allah his heart will open up to you after he sees how much gratitude you show him.

    Overall, if you make your husband feel happy and respected/needed, he will see you as a need in his life and you will grow exceptional in his eyes.

    If you want to learn even more about relationship management, I suggest you read this blog. wwnh.wordpress.com
    The advice given can most greatly apply to muslims and I hope it helps you get your relationship back on track.

    Also, pray to Allah too. 🙂 He is the controller of everything and everyone. This is indeed a test and your faith, so let Allah know you are still by His side.

  6. As-Salamu ALakium

    Thank you all for your advise.. It's quite ironic that today we had a HUGE argument and at the present moment I am VERY upset.. Subha'Allah things work in mysterious ways. I simply logged on this site to browse material only to discover that many of you have responded and added your advise. JA'Zakalah Khair to all of you.

    I will be making du''aas InshaAllah. Masalma

  7. Asalaam alaikum Sister

    From what you describe it seems your husband may have Aspergers Syndrome. I say this based on the outline of him not being emotionally available and lacking empathy. i would advise that you read about this syndrome.

    • As-salamu Alakium Aisha,

      Thank you for the input. I have thought along those lines.. He has been treating me better these days. Alhumdudilah.

  8. As-Salamu Alakium and Ramadan Kareem,

    I cannot believe myself and may Allah forgive me. My Husband is being very emotionally abusive towards me these days. He is upset about the situation in Egypt (his country) and has vented those frustrations off on me. As usual I become the punching bag for his frustrations and anger. We are in the Holy month of Ramadan and instead of encouragement towards Iman, my husband tramples all over me once again. Same thing, different day.

    Today we had an argument. I had to remove myself from it because we are fasting. I asked him why did he lash out at me last night. He came up with an excuse..He tells me he lashed out at me because I said something to the effect "I hope you are not too upset about Egypt". I then told him: "I hope you aren't crying". I simply stated this because he had locked himself upstairs in our bedroom and was watching the arabic news station ALL DAY long yesterday. I have four children and had been ripping and running around to buy them school supplies and clothes. When I came home, he was in a foul mood and remained distant.

    So I made iftar and we ate. As we are eating, he starts yelling at me about my asking him "if he was crying" comment. He yelled so loudly and was banging his fork against the porcelin plate.

    It was then right there that I wanted a divorce. He is so emotionally distant and cruel.. May Allah forgive me but I no longer love this man.

    So today I went to talk to him about his behavior last night. He says "get out of my face.You have done enough to me". I told him I was hurting but he doesn't want to acknowledge my HURT. my HURT is NEVER EVER acknowledged. The only time he does acknowledge it is when I yell and tear my hair from my head. And only then, it's forced..never genuine.

    Please Muslim Ummah if you are reading this please advise me on handling this type of situation. I want to DIVORCE so badly and just raise my 4 kids alone. I only want child support and financial stability from him for my children's sake.

    He is not a bad father but he could be better. He NEVER teaches them about Islam. Sometimes he reads Quran to them but its seldom. My oldest is 9 years old and I feel he does not gravitate towards his father nor does he ask him advice.. My oldest son is ALWAYS coming to me for advise and questions about life. Never his dad.

    Walahi I don't want to sound like a complaining and ungrateful person. I just feel that I am a person too and I value myself as a human being. If I am not being respected by own husband, then what else can I do? Subhan'Allah. My Allah forgive me.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Umm...I'm going to do my thing and not give the advise everyone else gives because
      1)I'm not old enough to have come up with it myself. It's not from me.
      2) You don't need repetition.

      I can tell you a bit from a guys perspective though.

      1)"Sometimes in the heat of a silly argument I might call him immature or idiotic. "
      " I might in the middle of it call him an idiot."
      "I then told him: "I hope you aren't crying"."

      I know you don't realize/don't want to realize it, but a man REALLY wants respect. Especially from his wife. You complain about what he responds with. But that's exactly the response your inciting. Your bringing it on yourself. Calling him a jerk, abusive and so on is far less insulting.....all of those insults imply some manliness and strength(I know it may sound stupid to you, but deal with it.) You can't insult him with something that puts him down or makes him feel inadequate or weak.

      2)"I cannot teach a grown man how to be emotionally available when it just isn't in him."

      You see, this is the kind of contempt that a man isn't going to stand for. He asked you and he was probably being genuine-if you expect him to magically become more emotionally available you are setting yourself up to blame him more and be more miserable. But your goal shouldn't be to blame him, whether in your heart or tongue, it should be to help him. If he asks you, tell him. Who on earth was supposed to teach him how to be emotionally close to his wife? How many times has he been married before? It's not like it comes easy to everyone. And like I said before, it suggests contempt and lack of respect. "I cannot teach a grown man..." and so on.

      3) "The male teacher relocated to another school only after some three months I was there. It wasn't that I loved or even liked this man. It was just the fact that he showed interest in education (myself as well) and children that led me to partake in flirting back with him."

      Well, you had better repent, end all these fantasies and not tell your husband because trust me, there is nothing more injuring to the izza of a man then if his wife is looking at someone else. In a man's mind, and perhaps this is a reality, your injustice here far outweighs any of his injustice against you. This is grounds for immediate divorce(which is maybe what you want) in a man's head. It certainly would be what I would do if I found out. I can take hitting, screaming, crying and even insults to myself and family but wanting another man is a whole different story,

      4)"He is selfish in the bedroom. When we are intimate, he does not go inside but will rub against me and release. He has done this more than 50 times. I have told him more than 20 times how sick and disgusting I find that act and chose not to do it."

      That is completely unright. SubhanAllah. it's shocking to see how willing impotence has become the equivalent of manliness among Muslims. SubhanAllah, here is an article on Muslim Matters about this very problem.
      http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/

      5) About Egypt

      To be honest, I was mind-numbingly enraged by what happened in Egypt-ask my mom and sister(rhetorically, you obviously cannot ask my mom and sister). I think it's a guy thing. I am pro-Muslim by the way, not pro-secularist. I think during these times the best thing to do is not approach him while he is enraged but keep your distance until he cools down. It seems he doesn't understand you, which is clear, but it's also clear you don't understand him. My mom and sister totally didn't understand me when it started....now I've cooled down of course. When I was shocked by what was happening on the t'v. I started raging at the screen. It was probably a funny scene, now that I recall.

      6) "My oldest is 9 years old and I feel he does not gravitate towards his father nor does he ask him advice.. My oldest son is ALWAYS coming to me for advise and questions about life. Never his dad."

      It's the same with me. I also turned to my mom, but after a while I realize her human limitations and turned to Allah. I'm not going to say anything more about this except-be there for him like my mom was there for me. And direct him to the Quran and Sunnah because you have nothing to help him with otherwise. Allah and His Messenger suffice us. There are plenty of resources online I can direct you to if you are interested.

      Also, here is a two part series from Yasir Qadhi about what men need to know about women and what women need to know about men. I've watched what applies to me(i.e what men need to know about women) and I think it directly addresses the problems you have with your husband.

      What women need to know about men

      What men need to know about women

      I suggest you make tauba,, dua, and with sabr and salat seek help from Allah.
      http://quran.com/2/153

      Ask your husband to watch those videos with you and keep making dua. Keep divorce as a last option.

  9. Salam Sister,

    Ramadan Mubarak. I am sorry for what you are going through. As in my previous reply, I will not focus on your husband because you can really only work on yourself when it comes to marital disputes. I really hesitate to even tell you what follows because I know you believe you are correct and see your husband as wrong. Certainly he is wrong on some levels. But it seems that you are also pushing the wrong buttons at the wrong time, which can only make the situation worse.

    I know your intention was good, but asking your husband if he was crying over the events in Egypt just sounds really patronizing. Think of some of the worst events in recent American history (9/11, Katrina, etc.) and recall how you felt. It is so hard when you grow up feeling secure in a particular environment and then have that feeling of security ripped away from you by outside forces. I would think the best thing you could do in such a situation is to sit with your husband when possible and watch the news with him. Have discussions about the issues people are facing in his country. Involve your (half Egyptian) children so they are not ignorant of what is going on in the world.

    Sister, most kids approach their moms for advice and avoid their fathers. This is normal in all or most families and cultures. This may change when they get older, when their needs change. As an adult, I am more comfortable talking to my mother about some issues and more comfortable talking to my father about other issues. But when I was a child, I really only went to my mother...not because my father was a bad father, but because mothers are naturally able to meet the emotional needs of their children in a way that fathers often cannot unless they make a really concerted effort. Even today, I save the emotional stuff for my mother and ask my father about the practical stuff, such as finances. It is how we bond. My point here is that you should not make your kids feel that their relationship with their father is abnormal.

    Many women have the fantasy of leaving their husbands and taking the kids away to live in peace. But it is more likely that you will share custody with your husband and feel even more frustrated. No parent has the right to take the kids away from the other parent unless there is serious abuse in the home as determined by the court.

    Sister, you and your husband both sound like very nice people, and I am almost certain that you can live in harmony if you both learn to communicate better. Ramadan is a really good time to start fresh, Insha'Allah. Try to let go of past grievances and turn a new page. Mahmud also gave you really good advice from a male perspective.

  10. Jaka'Allah Khair for the advise sister A and Mahmud. I am going to go through the links that were posted. Hopefully it will give me some clarity and advise on managing my married life. Shukrun

  11. As-Salamu Alakium

    I am struggling whether to leave my husband once again. He keeps licking me from my rear end even though I told him numerous times I HATE this act. He insists on doing this. This act has corrupted my mind to the point that I am now having bad dreams about a man having Haraam intercourse with me in the rear end.

    He can no longer sustain an erection unless he is playing with my rear end. When it is time to perform intercourse, he immediately loses his erection. Yesterday, he had an erection (when he was kissing me from the rear end) then once it came time to perform the actual act, he lost his erection. I was so upset.

    Instead of telling me he was sorry, he blames me for him losing his erection! He resorted to blaming me for his loss of erection. I had to argue my point 3 times before he FINALLY told me it wasn't my fault but his.

    By Allah I don't know what to do.

    Last week I was on my menses. He would grind on me and eventually satisfied his sexual needs. Now that I am off the menses, I approached him Thursday. He told me he was sleepy. Then come Friday. I approached him again. He complied but it is here that he started to do those things and licks to rear end (which he knows as I told him is despicable to me). He does it anyway. Comes time for actual intercourse, he loses the erection. Then the blame game happens.... I am not sure what to do at this point.

    He is a good provider financially and a good provider. He is not a good husband.

    When we were arguing I mentioned divorcing him. He said "ok just go ahead and do it". Subhan'Allah if it is so easy for him to respond in such a way, why am I still trying to save this dysfunctional marriage?

    As of now I am simply staying in this marriage for the sake of my children and their stability.

    My mind wanders a lot lately. I find myself fantasizing about different men and wondering if they are nurturing to their spouses.. I imagine myself with someone who is truly in love with me and respects me as a human being. I recently stated work as a teacher.. It is sad that I even find my mind wandering towards my boss (principal) and another male employee.. Astagfirlah I don't know what in the world is going on with me..

    My husband told me he has a problem not empathizing with other people. He is unable to empathize with others nor does he feel remorse and unfortunately I being his wife am included in that.

    I am at the point where I have considered committing adultery so as to satisfy my own sexual needs. But Astagfirlah whenever I recall the punishment for Adultery, I discard this evil thought.

    We have been to an Imam and the Imam told both of us our rites in the marriage. I feel incapable of fulfilling my role as the devoted and happy wife because I realize I am not happy with him.

    But he is a good provider for me and the kids. Oh I don't know. May Allah help me to get through this.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Here is the thing. If he cannot satisfy you sexually, that is grounds for divorce. You have no excuse, whatsoever to commit zina. If you do, you will certainly regret it. Divorce is halal, and in many cases, a good thing. It is not good for the children if you stay in an unhappy marriage. Better than that is to go through a good divorce-an amicable one which is not filled with fighting which will traumatize your kids. Divorced parents are just as good or even better than married parents. Provision is not from your husband but from Allah aza wa jal.

      Whatever you do, you had better not commit zina, or even come close to it.

      If you find yourself coming close to it, I suggest divorce. Your husband is fine for that and that is better for you.

      وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا ۖ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا

      And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.

    • Dearest Noha,
      In addition to having a personality disorder or Asperger's, is it possible that your husband is homosexual? The sexual activity you are describing -- if that is the only kind he likes -- is unusual for a heterosexual man.

      I'm not suggesting this to upset you further, but to help you make the decision that will be best for you physically and emotionally.

      Remember that you are intelligent and educated, and you will be able to support yourself and your children -- if that is the path you choose to take.

      I pray that Allah SWT brings peace and love into your life.

  12. As-Salamu Alakium

    Very sorry for the blunt message. I cannot talk to anyone else about this personal matter.

    • asalamu alaikum,

      sis you mentioned He is a good provider financially and a good provider? sis we as Muslims we have to remember rizq comes from Allah. if you do leave Allah will replace that with something better, have trust in Allah.

      I can understand he cant satisfy you physically and emotionally that is a big deal, but whats worse is you said he always sides with the children even when they act out. if the parents pamper their children too much without any limits, when they grow up they will dominate their parents. I have nephews who are over pampered now they drive their parents crazy.. children need to be disciplined properly from an early age. on top of that you said you have been suffering from emotional abuse for many years, that's bad for your health.

      also your husband should go to the doctors, they might have a medication for erection disorder.

      a marriage is a 50/50 from both parties, if one wavers its a high chance it will fall through. the husband is the main pillar of the household, needs to support the family, be a prime example how a Muslim/Man suppose to act. someone to succeed in dunya and akhira. lead his family to Jannah. telling his wife and children to pray their salaah, investing his time on his children making them not followers but leaders of society etc. just feeding you and clothing is not enough. responsibility for the husband is extremely high.

      I conclude, if he isn't making an effort in you and the children, then don't waste your time being with him. you said you have fantasy of other men, adultery? desires/lust can blind a person. before that happens you need to take the first step otherwise its a high chance in committing adultery.

      ma salama...

  13. Salam sister Noha,

    Simply put you have grounds for divorce as your husband is emotionally abusing you and unable to have conjugal relations with you.

    The way your husband is treating you is a cycle with all abusive men. I think the heart of a marriage is good companianship and respect for one another, NOT just the husband! Loving someone is to treat them with compassion by words and actions. Loving someone is being happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad, and trying everything you can to make them happy. I do not see this in your marriage. Your husband is just fulfiling his lust without caring about your feelings. Intimacy should be enjoyed by both NOT just the husband! He should not force you to do an act you despice! You are only staying for thd kids! Whats the point of this marriage.

    You cant choose your family but you can choose your husband. We marry to find happiness with a companian and to have an outlet for our desire too. But if the husband becomes the enemy and abuses the wife then how can she turn around and love him or respect him or desire him. Its natural that you think of other man because you do not have a male companian in your husband, so you desire it.

    It is just disgusting that he is the one with the problem and then he blames you! I suggest you tell him firmly that he has a big problem! Impotency and he should go to the doctors and get it sorted and also get hid act together or you will get the familys together and expose his faults and seek divorce! I think now he doesn 't belive you because you tolerated it for so long! Show him you mean it.

    Good luck! May Allah help you xxx

  14. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Sr. Sumaira and Ahmed for your suggestions and advice. It is becoming difficult for me to stay in this marriage. Today he apologized but perhaps a week from now the same thing will occur. This has been ongoing in my marriage. Apologizing and making up, apologizing and making up, etc..Its a terrible cycle that I have no desire to be on any longer. Allah SWT is the sole Provider so I have to make plenty of Taubah and Istikarah. Insha'Allah. Thanks Salaams

    • Selam sister,
      This is just a side note I would like to add. He may have a personality disorder as you have said that your husband is emotionally unavailable and lacks empathy for others and also abuse you emotionally. I strongly recommend you look up 'personality disorders', they are separated into 3 clusters. It is usually due to childhood abuse- physical and/or emotional. If it is the case it is not impossible to change by Allah's will but its very hard especially without professional help and even then it still does not lead to change. May Allah guide you inshaallah sister...
      Fatima

  15. Salaams

    I have thought about the possibility that he could have gay tendencies. I don't know though. He seems to like women. I'm not sure what to make of it. It just makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that he prefers my rear end rather than make love to me the halal way. I don't know anymore.

    • Sister Noha,

      My ex husband tormented me in many ways. I always tried to find excuses for his behavouir, maybe he had a bad upbringing, maybe his addicted, maybe his depressed, etc etc. I always blamed myself and thought I was doing something wrong!. But in actual fact there is no excuse for a man to abuse his wife. Whether it be personality disorder or intamicy problems, if he was a good man and really cared about you then he would admit his problems to you and work with you proactively to make himself better. You said he keeps apologising and then abuses you again. If he was sincere in his apology he would never make the same mistakes again! he would have treated you like a queen when you took him back! So he doesn't mean it!

      Its like how in the western country when a murderer or rapist go on trial, their defending lawyer comes up with excuses to save them, such as they are mentally ill, insane, posesed, have a personality disorder, anger problem etc etc. So that means everyone who murders someone is insane?? nobody is bad? if someone does something wrong it means they have a personality disorder?? does this make sense?

      he bottom line is there are bad and good people in this world. Your husband is just bad and he wants to stay that way! He is not making any plans or doing any actions to change himself!

      So the decision is in your hands, whether you want to live with a bad person. And whether you will accomplish anything by staying with him, or if you want to raise your kids by your yourself without him and pray to Allah for a good husband.

      I know Its a tough decision! I've been there. But you have to think with your head not your heart. Put your emotions and insecurities out of the equation and think straight.

      P.S Its not the stone ages. Women can work and provide for their kids these days.

      I pray Allah helps you and your family. xxxx

  16. asalamu alaikum,

    vast majority of men who came from the middle east and Asia, they don't know what love is nor how to love. they learnt through watching movies etc, so their concept of love is sex, as long they are satisfied its all good.

    a quote which your husband said "He'll then say "well teach me how to be close to you". is enough to assume he doesn't know a damn thing about love/companionship. tragic indeed.

    ma salama..

  17. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Ahmed and Sumaira for your comments. I am still contemplating divorce.. Very unsure of myself at the moment. I appreciate the feedback though. Thanks

    Ma salama

  18. As-Salamu Alakium

    I am so depressed at the moment. Just sitting here thinking about divorcing my husband. He is such a great provider and good with him kids. However, we have nothing in common. We separated about 3 weeks ago because of his emotional abuse and my temper. We were away from each other for about three to four days. During this time, I felt afraid yet free and peaceful. I felt content knowing that he wasn't around. I would become a bit lonely a night but its to be expected.. Well once he moved back in the home, he apologized to me and told me how sorry he was.
    Well things were alright but needless to say, he isn't pleasuring me the way I would like. He is only out for his own self gratification and I am left to stir..wanting..nevertheless..

    We have nothing in common.. I haven't realized how bad it was until I started working. Its like by the time I come home, I have to bathe the kids, clean the kitchen, cook, do some laundry, help the kids with homework, help them to make salah, tuck them in bed....All this time, he is just watching television or sitting on computer. I can't get him to interact once he is home. He does a little bit of it here and there..

    Something this evening just made me cry.. After coming home, cooking, cleaning, and helping the children with homework; I got them settled and tucked into bed. I come to the kitchen to clean it once again. My husband is there about to take a second serving of dinner. He ask me "if anybody ate already?".. This one question just burns me. How can he ask such a question when he saw me going upstairs and bathing 4 children. He is aware they are bathe, tucked in bed, and about to sleep. How can he be so clueless as to ask me "did everybody eat already"?

    Allah forgive me but I feel like I am going practically crazy. Any suggestions on what I can do? Please someone help me?

    As-Salamu Alakium

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      As far as I can see, I believe you two need to separate. I do not like that you are coming close to thoughts of adultery or that he is falling short in your conjugal rights. Neither is acceptable.

      "He ask me "if anybody ate already?"

      That's more of a conversational question, however it's most likely that your reaction is due to all the other events.

      It's clearly not working. Divorce amicably and do not at all make it ugly lest the kids become hurt.

  19. As-Salamu Alakium

    I feel like such a fool. I want to pay off my student loans and have been wanting to pay them off for the past 5 years. We ran into an opportunity for me to settle my debts when we sold our home. I am only asking my husband for 1/2 the money so that I may pay off my student loan. He tells me, its not his problem. The money we made from our old house will go into the brand new house. He told me I am just going to have to work full time and make the payments.

    The old home is in both of our names. So am I not entitled to some of the money from it??? Maybe I am just asking for too much.

    Anyway we sold our old home and got this huge new home that we could not afford. On top of my debts and my husband debts, he put in an extra 50K for home repairs and upgrading. Now we have an extra 50 K debt. I was upset one day and told my husband we should sell the home and just move into a smaller more affordable home.

    The money we collect from selling the home should go to our debts and remainder to a town home or smaller home. My husband thought about it then he says "well in that case let's sell. The money we make from the home will go towards my debts" . I told him well what about MY debt? He said again, how sorry he was but I would have to pay for my own debt.

    Now I am working a full time job as a teacher Alhumdudilah and raising 4 children. It gets tough at times because I had wanted to be a housewife and simply raise my children to love Islam. Alhumdudilah.

    Just sometimes when I think about it, I feel bitter towards my husband. Last night I could not even look at him,.

    Please help me or someone advise me in this manner. Am I crazy? Am I asking or expecting too much?

    Walahi some days I am confused. I really want to divorce because of his lack of understanding towards me. At the same time he is a good provider and handy man around the house.

    Please advise me.

    Your sister in Islam

    Noha

    • Salam Noha,

      Oh my dear sister, you are just going round in circles with this man! The only good thing about him is his a good provider! Is this the only thing important to you???

      I do not think he is a good provider! If he was he would not buy a big house he can't afford! Taking out loans and getting into debt by interest is haram. You should live within your means. He is responsible for the household debts and providing for you and the kids. so he should pay your student loan off first! You have a right to ask him to pay for you. You shouldn't have to work to pay it off. That's his responsibility. Especially if you have contributed financially towards the house you sold he cant deny you YOUR money. He can't use your money without your consent. So what he is doing is wrong!

      Masha Allah you are an educated women, a teacher. You have plenty of opportunities to provide well for your children. I am a single parent with no qualifications yet I work part time and provide for myself and my kids. We are not in luxoury, we live in government accomodation but Allhamdullilah Allah has given me the means to work and provide for the basics for my kids, food shelter and clothing!

      Money and a big house does not give you happiness! I wouldn't mind living in a cave with a husband who was loving , compassionate and understanding and loved me for who I am and was sensitive to my needs emotionally and phisically. Someone when he looks at me I feel so much contentment in my heart and feel at peace and feel protected. That's what's important to me.

      I sense from your comments that even though you are suffering with him you do not want to leave him. So at least stand up for yourself sister. Please do not be a doormat! He will only keep trampoling all over you! I have been there sister! my Ex husband was much worse in many ways. I became a doormat for years and it just got more worse. He took me fro granted and knew I would never leave him so had that control over me.

      After many years when I couldn't take it any more and relized I was stuck in this cycle of abuse I told my parents and got all the relatives together from my side and his side. I laid everything on the table, everything that he is doing to me which is immoral or islamically a sin. I gave my husband an ultimatum that unless he changes and works towards stopping the sins immediatly and become a good husband and father I will seek divorce. I made it crystal clear that this is the LAST chance!. Later he promised to change but unfortunately after some weeks returned back to his old ways and left himself as he couldn't face his relatives any more because of the multitude of his sins! But for some people this type of stern reprimand by the elders works!

      If you want to give this marriage a chance you both have to change! You have to be more firm and stop taking rubbish fro him, and he has to provide for you 100% and stop abusing you and help you with the chores of the house and go for medical treatment for his phisical problems.

      Why don't you get the elders together and lay everything on the table, and tell him this is what you need him to do NOW, Pay your loans and debt off! its his duty and also sin to keep paying interest! sell house buy a small house, make appointment to see a medical professional! treat you with respect and compassion take half of the household chores! make a rota who cooks cleans what days etc. needs to be strict compliance! Give him an ultimatum that unless he follows all this it will be the end! He needs to do these things now! then let him back in the house once he sold the house and gave you the money. Just saying I am sorry, I won't do it again, doesn't mean anything! iys only empty words. He needs to show you with his actions!

      So please sister try this and remember you are a strong women, you do not need to rely on a man. Marriage is teamwork not one person enslaving the other! if he has a little bit of love for you and the kids he may change. This has worked for alot of sisters. Please try this but be firm don't let your emotions take over. Mean what you say. You need action now.

      Good luck. I pray allah will change your husband into a loving and compassionate man

      • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

        The advise is good and everything, but I'm pretty sure a husband doesn't have to pay his wife's loans off......

        • Walaykum Salam,

          Well if she paid for half of the house or he gave her half of the house, that money is hers then she can ask for it back and pay her loan off. And loans have interest which is riba haram. So the husband should help his wife out of sin and pay off hers and his debt first before buying a big house! Don't you think?

  20. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Sister Sumaira for such kind and encouraging words. I appreciate your advise. My husband is trying very hard to make the marriage work. The problem is me. I am not content with him any longer and have expressed my feelings to him about this in an honest and respectful way. He doesn't seem to get what I'm saying. Either he don't get it or he doesn't care how I feel, as long as he is out for himself.

    We talked about the home. He told me never to mention it again because it makes him upset. He doesn't care about me or my debt as he has expressed to me numerous times it is my burden.

    I have alot to think about. Right now I just want to do the right thing... Allah hualim. Make du'aas for me.
    As-Salamu Alakium

  21. As-Salamu Alakium,

    Allah is indeed the sole provider and the one who gives Risq. I have made the painful decision to divorce my husband. I was sexually assaulted last night... It is a wake up call... Please Please Brs and Sisters make Du'aa for me as I know the outcome from a divorce is not an easy one. I have 4 little children to take care of now Alhumdudilah. Wa-Alakium As Salaam.

  22. Sis Sumaira you stated:

    "Money and a big house does not give you happiness! I wouldn't mind living in a cave with a husband who was loving , compassionate and understanding and loved me for who I am and was sensitive to my needs emotionally and phisically. Someone when he looks at me I feel so much contentment in my heart and feel at peace and feel protected. That's what's important to me".

    Masha'Allah these are deep words to reflect over indeed. You are so correct in what you mention. I was so wrapped up into the Dunya, that for a long time I suffered in silence because my husband was providing us with all of the necessities and materials. Every couple of years he brought me and him new cars; he would also take me with him to look for huge and luxurious homes ; etc. I got caught up into thinking that because he could provide his family with things, he was a good husband. Now I see that materials and things do not buy happiness as I am sitting here in a large home quite unhappy.

    Make Du'aa for me sister and may Allah bless you and your family. Ameen

  23. As-Salamu Alakium

    Decided to hold off divorce right now. Have alot of thinking to do

  24. AOA,

    I skimmed through some of the comments but with your updates Noha, it was beginning to feel like a soap opera. I'm sorry but as someone mentioned, you are going round in circles.

    As you identified yourself, your love of the Dunya blinded you and has prevented you from seeing things for what they really are. Your disdain for your husband has led you to have adulterous thoughts and his idea of foreplay is just too homosexual and rather disturbing.

    Draw a simple list of essential pros and cons. Money isn't the be all and end all. Nor is the prestige of private school or keeping up with the Khans. Wealth and happiness are mostly mutually exclusive anyway. Which one will you choose?

  25. As-Salamu Alakium

    Well right now we are in a good place. He promised he would never kiss me from the back door again. I have to wait to see is there will be any changes from here. So far so good.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Work on it. Work on getting rid of the riba as the punishment for that is unimaginably severe......paying interest is equal in sin to taking interest as per the hadith. All the difficulties you are going through combined don't scratch the full punishment for riba. So you need to repent and get out of riba.

  26. Wa-Alakium As-salaam

    Br. Mahmoud,

    I am working now as a teacher and make monthly payments. However my husband has accumulated more than $ 50,000 of additional debt on top of our already high debts. Now instead of me just paying off my student loans, my husband is asking me for money to make the car payment every month. I have to take a few college professional classes which costs money as well. So I told my husband we should sell our home, settle our debts, and move to a condo or townhome. He refuses to listen to me. He insists that if he sells the home, he will use the money to pay off the 50,000 debt that I had no idea we had until we moved here.So when I mentioned myself and the student debt, his advise to me is just "pay it off". When I mentioned my professional classes he advises me "pay for them".. Now I am stuck with the car payment.

    I feel sometimes that I am entitled to divorce because in financial and legal matters, my husband sees nothing wrong with creating hardships on his wife even if it means she is stuck with 4 kids and financial debts. He only sees whats good for himself.

    Alhumdudilah I am not complaining but I just think it is so selfish of him. When I mention it he doesn't want to hear it.

    So now I am stuck with a huge home but 50,000 dollars in house debts, student loan debts, and car payments. I have no money for left to spend on myself.

    My kids are attending private Islamic school and he has mentioned that he wanted me to pay for one of my son's tuition.

    I am mentally and Islamically confused. I want to do right by Allah and pay off my loans first... He tells me I am paranoid and that I need to "calm down",

    Sometimes I think Allah is testing me or punishing me something for something I must have done in the past.

    On top of that, I get no family support from him family at all. They never contact me or the kids to check in on us. I am starting to think that because I am american, (his family is Egyptian), they don't care to be close to me. Its been like this for 10 years and isn't getting better.

    I used to call his family all the time but have stopped over the years because it was always me doing the calling.

    My husband gave me an ultimatum last night. He said I either stop talking about selling the house, or he will divorce me.

    Now I can't mention selling the home. So now I am stuck in debts and in a home I don't want because of its 50,000 dollar debt.

    I feel like I am taken as a joke. I mentioned the punishment of the Akhira for Riba but my husband just looked at me and said "well just pay it off".

    He doesn't understand how stressed I have become from this. Not only that but I have 2 little kids that have to go to preschool because I have no choice but to work. I see my kids Alhumdudilah but at times wish I could have stayed home with them.

    I mentioned that to my husband and he said "well nothing is easy"... Well maybe he is right.
    Maybe I am stressed too much about Akhira and things I have no control over. Only Allah can help me..

    I am so stressed that I wake up now with chest pains.. The chest pain are steadily becoming worse. Alhumdudilah. All is the test I suppose..

    Salaams

    • Salam my dear sister Noha,

      I don't know why I feel so compelled to reply to you every time. Maybe its because I have been in a similar situation as you and I can emphasize with you completely!

      You know when I got married that's exactly what I wanted to do, spend time with my kids and be a stay at home mum, but my husband had different plans. I obeyed him in everything. I did whatever he said just to please him. I took on hardship upon hardship because I loved my husband and wanted to please him. I didn't think about rights or duties. All I thought was that I loved him and wanted to keep him happy and that he will also do the same. Marriage to me means mutual love, understanding and respect between both spouses. But then he kicked me in the face by doing some of major sins under the sun. I won't write the never ending list here, but to name a few, cheating, interest, gambling etc etc. I was completely heartbroken but like you I wanted to make it work so I worked more harder and tried to show him more love. I paid for the household bills then I ended up paying for his debts too! I told him to stop but he kept accumulating more and more debt to the point that I had no money for food!

      Even my husband told me to let him be or else he will divorce me! He kept blaming me for everything. Even using islam falseIy by saying that he is allowed to flirt with other women and have affairs with them as he can be looking for 3 more wives! I was completely shocked! I mean I am paying all the bills here, doing the housework, looking after the children, even paying for his dad and brother! All he did was eat and sleep all day and work occasionally for his own benefit! and HE wants to divorce me!!! I was so stupid I cried for him not to leave him because I was scared about how life will be as a single mother. I was an absolute door mat! I still kept paying for him and saving him from the banks and relatives. I was drained exhausted. My kids became ill because I didn't have time to look after my kids. I missed prayers because I was to tired to pray! I became mentally stressed and ill with everything.

      I cry when I think that because of my husband out of frustration I lashed out at my kids. I even heard him on the phone laughing with his friend saying "she fell for it, she will do whatever I say", I felt so stupid no matter what I do for him its not enough to change him. I knew then that even if I sold all my organs and gave him the money, he will still not care about me!

      • Now I have left him but all these were empty threats that my husband used to make me do exactly what he wants!

        Sister I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I don't want your efforts to go in vain! You are walking on eggshells with him! He is keeping your mouth shut by threathning divorce when you should be the one giving him the ultimatum. I think he is just bluffing. If he divorces you he will be the one who will be losing out as if you are in a western country, you will get the house and custody of the kids and the mortgage is under his name so he will have to continue to make the payments. So don't let him make you weak sister.

        Be firm sister, stand up for your rights because he doesn't care. You need to tell him that islamically he needs to sell the house because he has chosen to sin, Its not like you will be in the street if he sells the house. He needs to get rid of the interest immediately. Its sad that you do not have any family as my family helped me alot by forcing my husband to sell his business to pay off some of the debts. Maby you should enlist the help of an imam from the mosque to come and have a serouise talk with your husband about the rights and duties of husband and wife. He must provide for you completely. So tell him that you will not pay for the car or anything else. Fair enough you will pay for your student loan, thats it! He has to pay everything else. Why did he buy in the first place if he can't afford it? He was planning for you to pay for everything! that's wrong.

        Think about it sister, what are you hoping to achieve by doing everything for your husband, paying all the bills and looking after the home? Love, respect from him? You are dreaming. With these type of people the more you let them tread on you the more they abuse you! It just gets worse.

        The one thing you can do now is be strong and don't let him treat you like a dormat! stand up for your rights. Tell him you will not live in a house of haram (bought by interest). Let him suffer the fiancial burden as he started it anyway! Don't pay a penny! Give him an ultimatum either step up and be a dutiful and loving husband or else divorce me. Take action, don't say anything just don't pay then the bank will chase him and once he suffers hardship he will relize that you will not take rubbish! He has to step up.

        You know just for the record its been a while since I have seperated from my husband and I feel at peace alhamdullah which I never felt when I was married to him. I want to buy nice things for my kids and work long hours. But my children told me " We don't need toys or clothes, we just want you mum" I was so touched. I relized what we think children need, e g. toys and clothes and more food. Its not what children want. They want love, they want time with their mum. I work less hours now and have less money. But we are happy as we have more quality time. which is priceless. So please cut down your hours and spend time with your kids.

  27. As-Salamu Alakium Sr. Sumaira,

    Thank you so much for such an enlightening and heart-felt response. It brought tears to my eyes. Many of the things that went on between your ex-husband and yourself, are happening in my own marriage.
    Most days I feel numb and sad. I just want to find that happiness but I am not able too.

    I am so confused... Since he has been back in the house (we were separated for 5 days), he has been sweet and kind. He would wait on me hand and foot, watch the kids while I went shopping, bring the kids to mosque, and take them to karate classes.

    Then by evening he would sexually violate me by kissing me in the crack of my buttocks (sorry to be so descriptive) even though I have told him 50 to 60 times I do not like this type of sexual foreplay. May Allah forgive me; when my husband started during this I kept having disturbing dreams of men entering me from the anus. I told my husband he swore he would stop. I also told him if he doesn't I want a divorce. He told me I will have every right to seek a divorce if he did it again.

    So far he has not done it again. However, when we are intimate, I cannot get the sexual violation out of my mind. It makes me feel nothing for him. Therefore I don't even enjoy the sex...

    I don't know what to do now. So far I am dealing with him controlling the money. On the other hand he has been like a gentleman towards me for the past 2 weeks. I am very confused.

    I do know that Riba is Haraam and at the moment I am working Alhumdudilah so I will pay it off. One of the biggest reasons why I am holding off the divorce is because I don't want my kids and myself to go without money. The timing for a divorce right now isn't good for me and my children. My kids just started school and I just started teaching this year. I don't have any money saved up.

    In addition to this, my husband has told me that if I divorce him, he will put his company (which is in debt) and all his debts in my name and will move off to egypt. I told him he couldn't do that legally. He said he could.

    May Allah forgive me but I am so so down and confused. I hope Allah finds a way for me.

    Thank you Sumaira for your advise may Allah bless you and your children abundantly.

    As-Salamu Alakium

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      "In addition to this, my husband has told me that if I divorce him, he will put his company (which is in debt) and all his debts in my name and will move off to egypt. I told him he couldn't do that legally. He said he could."

      I could not call myself a man if I said that to my wife. What kind of a sicko could say that to his wife? It's beyond imagination....

      You need to find a lawyer and see whether he can actually do that or not.

      NOW. I'm 100% serious. You need to find a lawyer and see what way you can find out of this.

      And none of that will work unless Allah causes it to happen to make dua.

  28. As-Salamu Alakium

    Mahmud I understand that I should call a lawyer. But he said these things 2 weeks ago. Now he is so kind towards me. This is why I am confused.. How can a husband say such terrible things two weeks ago, then turn around and wait on me hand and foot? I don't get it.

    Make Duaa for me

    • Salam Noha,
      I understand that you are trying to deal with a lot of important things right now, but it is really hard to solve such major issues in a matter of days or even weeks. I think the first thing you should work on is rebuilding the love and trust between you and your husband. Right now, your husband is taking some steps towards doing that. He is making some of the changes you wanted and requested. When you rebuild the love and trust between you, and love, trust, and respect becomes the norm, you will then have the environment you need to tackle the other issues.

      Those who are suggesting divorce are being very hasty indeed. Although I understand and sympathize with Sr. Sumaira's story, it is quite different than your own, especially in that Sumaira's husband was cheating on her, which is a major red line. Although we all agree that interest is a major sin, but these debts and financial issues are not going to magically disappear if a divorce takes place. There may be programs you can sign up for that put a halt to the interest on your student loan if you make certain minimum payments. Look into this, and see what you can do. Sometimes you can pay off your student loan by teaching in an inner-city school or doing other things. Look into it, and see what you qualify for. The student-loan people are usually very eager to get their money, so they are often very accommodating when you talk to them. If you don't ask, though, you might not know which programs you qualify for.

      Your husband got into debt, and perhaps this was not the wisest thing. But I think the important thing now is how you handle future situations and purchases. What's done is done. Yes, maybe the wise thing is to sell your home, but it is unrealistic to suddenly demand the home be sold and to think he will simply comply because you told him to. You can pressure him into doing this very subtly by looking for other homes and pointing them out to him over the next year. "Show" him how things can work out and why this would be good for you and your family. Right now, though, you are working on basic things like love and trust. When you guys are happy with each other and feel like you want to please each other, then other things will Insha'Allah start falling into place.

      Unlike Sumaira's ex-husband, your husband is not a cheater or a gambler. He appears to love you and your children and wishes for your family to stay intact. You can help him make better financial decisions in the future by not automatically going along with major purchases and decisions. He obviously bought the house because he thought it would bring happiness to all of you, and that is not something small. We all want to do nice things for our families when we love them. But going forward, you guys have to change the way you make such decisions. You have to also consider whether the purchase or action is pleasing to Allah SWT and whether there are other options that would be more suitable.

      As far as I know, Texas is a community-property state, which means that you and your husband are equally responsible for all debts accumulated during the marriage. Therefore it would not be a mistake to consult a lawyer as someone else suggested, just to know where you stand with all this.

  29. Sis A,

    Thank you for the advise. I don't know though. While he is working on becoming a better husband, I can't quite let go of past resentment and the sexual violation that I have been battling for 4 years. It is going to take ALOT of hard work and dedication from my end to make it work.. At this point though, I don't want it to work. I am so tired of it that I would rather wipe my hands clean and start anew. Nothing is simple but I feel that I would be more at peace if we both parted ways.

    At this point, I am only staying for the sake of my children and nothing more. If we did not have children, I would have been gone a long time ago.

    Sexual violation, emotional abuse, and financial control (bullying) are absolute deal breakers for me.

    Regarding the sexual violation.. He has done disgusting acts on me without my approval. As a matter of fact, he has known that I hate such behavior in the bedroom yet he continued to engage me (force me) into it.. This has been going on for 4 years now. If he would have stopped from day one when I told him to, I wouldn't be feeling such disgust that I feel now. He has ONLY stopped this ACT after 4 years and ONLY when I threatened divorce.

    If a MAN truly loved his wife, why would he sexually violate her for so long and ONLY when she couldn't take it any more (AFTER 4 years) he turns around and say "I wont do it again". Well why has it taken him so long to stop? Why couldn't it have stopped after I complained from day one???

    I am in a way still going through emotional abuse. Just two days ago, I mentioned the possibility of separating again because I need more time to think things through. He completely got MAD and UPSET and told me "divorce is not an option" and that "I'm going to have to think of something to keep us together".

    I told him that I was done. He then tells me: "What we are going through is like crumbs in comparison to other couples"..

    So you tell me that isn't emotional abuse. I am HURT and he can't even for my respect, abide by my wishes for a separation (not divorce just separation). I told him I just want to THINK and he will not even allow that.

    My husband is always very manipulative. He agreed to clean the kitchen and vacuum last week. When it wasn't done for three days, I complained to him. He told me "don't talk to me like that". So long story short, he left the house to cool off. He didn't speak to me the entire night. The next day, he asked me "how can I be so mean and nasty to him"?

    Completely get that I should remain level headed and calm.. But if I cannot stand him any longer, I can't see a reason to even try to work things out.

    I am definitely going to be contacting a lawyer to figure out my options.

    As-salamu Alakium

    • Salam Noha,
      I based my reply on the positive things you said which show that there have been some improvements after your brief separation. I understand that you have a lot of resentment that's built up over the years and that you cannot just turn your feelings on and off like a faucet. My point is only that if you wanted changes, you are getting them, albeit in small increments. It's not realistic to expect that everything you want will come together in the span of a day or a week. Some problems take much longer to work on and solve. If you are no longer invested in the marriage, then nothing your husband does will ever be good enough.

  30. Dear Sister Noha,

    Reading your and Sister Sumaira's stories, my eyes got moist, i commend sister Sumaira for coming out of the hell but i pity you for still stuck there. Its right,you are going round in circles and it will take you no where.

    you remind me of my sister, whose husband used her from all sorts like your husband does. my sister started working to earn some money for sake of her kids(education etc) but her husband first emotionally then in own typical mens' ways, got all her savings and spent the entire sum on his own personal expenses and needs. My sister could not do anything.

    Like you, my sister was also threatened and sexually assaulted but still she tried to keep mum and be submissive so to save her marriage. she even hide all these things from family. But nothing was working. my sister,just like you, was going into deep depression.

    But then one day, he died all of sudden due to heart attack (i feel Allah helped my sister) , she got free without taking divorce but biggest shock was waiting for her. Her husband had taken many loans from various sources (from bank to people) and as he died, all banks/people got behind my sister being his wife to pay off those debts (when he did not left her a penny from his side, actually he even took away my sisters savings), thousand of reminding letters, threatening calls started coming to my sister.

    Above of this, she was disowned by her husband's family. she had no emotional & financial support as such.
    Its been years now but she is still fighting in court against it all. She is even fighting in court for her right to have the provident fund/gratuity money of her husband (from his job) but as her husband's parents have filed claiming their right on the same, hence the matter is still in court. Her husband's parents have even alleged that my sister was a mistress and the kids are illegal - not of her husband. can you imagine the pain of my sister?!! she attends court all alone, as we (me/my parents) cannot for due to my job and poor health of my parents.

    Allah has helped her with a job and she being single parent is taking care of three kids she has. she does not own a big house or lavish lifestyle but she is at least at peace. No doubts, your responsibilities being single parent double- emotionally and financially but if you are at peace then you can fight for it all.

    For such husband like my sister had or you have, wife means nothing but just some slave or toy - with whom you can play in whatever way you wish. they do not consider you even a human being.

    Reading your post, all i can say is save yourself and so you can save your kids. Your husband is just playing with you as he has always and please come out of the illusion that he is a good husband/provider. from your posts, its very much clear that he is not. He is now using you merely for 1. Money 2. Sex.

    but still if you are of the opinion that he is improving then well, you again can give benefit of doubt as you have been giving for years but one thing you must do is to consult some lawyer and understand if he really can put you in those legal troubles, and if yes, work out to save yourself. what will happen, suppose, (god forbid) but he does so and run away- you will get in trouble and what will happen to your kids...have you thought of that!!

    please think of everything practically with a cool head and analyse everything. Don't be an emotional fool.

    i wish you good luck ( and i am sorry if i get harsh anywhere above, i just felt you as my sister hence....)

    your lilttle sister

  31. PS

    I just read your response to Sis A.

    I would like to say that marriage is a unified coupling of two people who work for the best interest of the relationship and their kids but if they get into fighting for their own reasons/needs (which are not even acknowledged between both) then either both need to work changing the dynamics of the relationship or part ways. You have been trying it, doing it sincerely but fed up now, now your husband is posing to do so ( which i don't find true) but such one sided efforts will result in nothing.

    If you feel, you have given your last shot and if he improves, good but i afraid (god forbid) he does not then,Staying in an unhappy marriage, wherein you are merely humiliated emotionally, struggle to provide good upbringing to your kids (islmically as well as in terms of good education & healthy lifestyle) single handedly without any support from husband, its better to respect yourself and don’t be a doormat.

    But you need to contemplate on the following -

    1. Have you really communicated with your husband about your issues with him without any prejudice or guilt (like I shouldn’t say this, that, it would pain him, there is not point in telling him, he wont listen to me, he wont let me do this..blah blah..)? Are you sure that you have not kept things within? Have you really tried to speak up for yourself?

    2. Have you given him a REAL ultimatum that enough is enough, and you no longer can bear his improper behavior or demands?

    3. Have you keep your/his family informed about his behavior and things going on?

    4. When you were separated for some days, how was you feeling – did you feel at peace? Did you miss him? How was reaction of kids? (its equally important), Did/do you think that you can live without him like that all your life?

    5. Are you prepared to play dual role being single parent- both emotionally as well financially?

    6. Do you still have feelings left for your husband? Just ask your heart, you will get answer.

    7. If you ever decide to take divorce, think and ensure if you decision to divorce is based on emotional reaction or true self awareness?

    8. Have you thought about the hard/negative consequences of divorce – especially on your kids, how would you tackle them?

    9. Will you be able to act maturely after the divorce? I mean how you attitude will be – strong and free or bitter, resentful feeling like a victim? You attitude will determine kind of life you will have after divorce, so is of your kids.

    10. If you decide to divorce, custody disputes can get quite ugly, you need to be strong (financially as well as emotionally) and you must prepare your case well in advance before taking final stepl.

    11. Save and accumulate as much cash saving you can which will be used for divorce processing and your living.

    12. Do not under estimate your husband’s potential to make things difficult for divorce. You need to stand strong.

    13. If you file for divorce, it wont be easy to stay in the same house, then you have find some other accommodation.

    14. You have face reaction of people- his family/ your family/ relatives/ friends. they might emotionally blackmail you not to divorce. you have to be mentally ready for all this.

    15. Pray to almighty to make things easy for you.

    13. Be sure to remember that child support is primarily determined by factors like- Your income, your spouse’s income, how many children etc.

  32. Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go;
    they merely determine where you start.

    Nido Qubein

  33. I would like to mention here another story of my cousin sister who is not in good terms with her husband since marriage ( I find both of them at faults) with some fights, she separated (temporary) for some months and was on verge of divorce, her case even went to Police but they somehow compromised and she went back and has been staying together but with no love nor respect for each other. They have compromised only for sake of their child.

    They hate each other within and miss no chance to taunt each other and pin point each other’s fault. Sometimes they argue too much and even fight and don’t talk for days. They are so out of love and emotionally dry that they have dropped the idea of having second child. Both are earning but both fight over spending here and there for living.

    Both are unhappy and dislike each other but her husband does not want to divorce for two reasons 1. He will have to pay Alimony 2. His wife has in her custody valuable jewellery of their marriage. He afraid to lose it (he actually constantly try to get it by posing to be a good husband but have not succeeded yet).

    Whereas my cousin sister is not taking divorce for the reasons 1. She does not have a stable financially sound job 2. Her parents will never accept such thing called divorce 3. She thinks that she is not capable of living all alone. (she says that if she has good financial back up, she would divorce her husband and would live peacefully)

    But the one who is actually suffering in this is their child. Her husband by over pampering his son put dislike for his mother in heart of child. Her mother to keep him away from his father, fulfill all his demands. this has resulted that child has become stubborn, selfish, bullying type. Both of them know the reality but still dragging the relationship.

    Now what would you call this?!!I wonder how could two people be together in such circumstances.

    In your case, the entire thing depends on YOU- only your attitude and guts either to divorce or just bear him.

  34. As-Salamu Alakium,

    Thank you Sr A for your advice. I appreciate everything you are saying, it's just that I can no longer take this marriage anymore.
    Everyday I am contemplating divorce. The ONLY thing preventing me from filing at this point are: The kids, and I am not financially stable enough to make the next move.

    Sr. A repenter muslimah ,

    Jazaka'llah Kah'r for your advise. I am so sorry to hear about your sister. May Allah SWT bless her and make things easy. It seems that she is already blessed considering she has at last found peace with herself and her children. Allah always makes a way.

    The sexual violation and emotional abuse are constantly brewing in the back of my mind on a daily basis. I feel as if I am seldom at peace. When he comes home from work, I sigh heavily because I don't even want him around.

    At the same time though, I feel bad for him as I do care for him since he is the father of my children and for the most part he is a good father.

    My husband now senses that I no longer care for him. He looks on the ground alot and at times I catch a sad look on his face. It pains me to see him in pain..but when I think of the financial abuse, emotional and sexual abuse, it burns me up.

    To answer your questions sister:

    1) Have I ever communicated my problems to him? ABSOLUTELY. As a matter of fact, I communicate my problems to him OFTEN. So much so, that I have resorted to yelling at him my frustrations over his lack of emotion and lack of respect for me.
    Do you want to know what he say?

    He tells me; Say "Alhumdudilah. YOu live in a nice home in nice neighborhood and kids go to private school. You have everything. Women would KILL to be in YOUR position. If women were in your position they would NEVER complain. They would say ALhumdudilah for the things that I am giving them".

    2) Have I given him an ultimatum? YES. I actually CURSED him out (MAy Allah forgive me) more than 10 times about the sexual misconduct and emotional abuse for over 5 years!

    You want to know what he says sister? He says "Well what about me? Why you don't love me. Remember a month ago when you didn't vacuum the carpet? I was mad at that but didn't say anything to you. Why are you so UNGRATEFUL."

    3) Did I inform my family/his family? Yes my family is ENCOURAGING me to divorce him. His family doesn't know about our marital woes because they don't speak english and are all the way in Egypt. My arabic isn't good enough to communicate with them my problems with him. And he won't tell them anything.

    4)When I was separated i felt at peace at long last! My kids were alright. They didn't notice except during bedtime when my oldest (9) asked where was dad. I told him dad was working late. He said ok.

    5) Am I prepared to be single parent both financially and emotionally? Well financially I am going to have to save up some money. So financially I am not prepared right now. Emotionally? Well my husband does not give me or my children any emotional stability as it is so we will be fine in that regard.

    6) Do I have feelings? Yes I do LOVE him because he is the father of my kids and I have known him for 10 years. Am I IN LOVE with him? no.

    7) It is both.

    8)It is going to be tough on my kids especially my 9 year old. He is the oldest. He isn't close to him father but I'm just wondering how a divorce will affect him if he doesn't see his dad everyday. My other son is 7. He will be fine. My 3 year old twins are babies so I do not think they would understand.

    9) Now I will be able to act maturely. My husband is another story. He has told me if I ever divorced him, he would throw me in the trash. I asked him how he could do that to the mother of his kids. he told me, well since he won't be having sex with me anymore, why should he care. He later apologized for the statement but it is something that stuck with me.

    Will definitely have to stay strong during the divorce process. Insha'Allah I will call a lawyer MOnday morning for legal counsel. Make Du'aa for me! JAK

    • Sis Noha,

      Sister repenter muslima has given you excellent advice and a real insight to your situation. May Allah reward her. Please pray istikhara before taking any decision. And also think practically. Put your emotions aside. Your husband is a cunning man. If you decide to dovorce do not let him know your intentions!

      First speak to a Lawyer and sort the finances out make sure that there is no way that he leaves you worse off! Find a way that you will not be liable for his debts! Take off your names from any joint accounts. Don't fall for your husbands sad faces, men know that women fall prey to their emitions so they will play you and act like they are the victim! Please be careful.

      I just wanted to tell you that at first when my husband left my kids did ask a few times about daddy. I said his working far away. After a few months they got used to it and never asked again. But it is tough. But its gonna be that way either way! Life is tough!

      Be strong sis, be firm and clever. As they say when the going gets tough, the tough gets going!

      I will pray for you that everything works out for you and your kids Insha Allah. Xxx

      • Salam Noha,
        At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows your circumstances and whether the situation you are living in is toxic enough to warrant divorce. Others can only offer different perspectives based upon their own reading of the situation. We all have certain life experiences that lead us to various conclusions.

        Normally I do not even attempt to offer marriage advice, whether it is on-line or in real life, but something in my heart keeps telling me that you and your husband are both good people but that you have unhealthy ways of communicating. And let me just say that this is completely normal for a lot of couples, especially during the early years of their marriage. There is a certain power struggle that takes place at the beginning of any marriage, and it can take some time for each spouse to finally settle into the roles that will eventually become the norm. For some people, the struggle is too great and results in divorce.

        I will repeat again that your husband has certain faults, but he is not at the level of cheaters, swindlers, addicts, and gamblers. To me, he just seems like a typical person who is somewhat insensitive at times, but not because he is intentionally mean, or because he is using you, as someone else suggested. There is a big difference. But this doesn't mean that you should just accept whatever he says or does. There are times when you have to put a halt to certain patterns or behaviors, and you also need to examine how you can change your own behaviors to get the results you desire. And this is true of all married couples, so I do not mean anything specific by this statement.

        Regarding your children, no one can predict how a child will be affected by divorce. And in my opinion, the negative impact of divorce shows up in ways that people do not always trace back to the divorce. Divorce affects how children relate to others and especially to the opposite sex, even as adults later on. Divorce takes their lives into unexpected directions, especially if their parents remarry. Divorce is sometimes necessary, especially when a marriage is abusive or toxic, but it is usually much better if parents avoid divorce and learn to be respectful of one another.

        May Allah SWT put love and mercy between you and guide us all.

        • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

          A, Zainab RA and Zaid RA divorced and I remember Nouman Ali Khan explaining that the problem was lack of intimacy. Drugs, affairs and the like are not the only reasons for divorce. SubhanAllah, if we all made it like that and said that temporary small improvents from a spouse are a reason to hold of on divorce than subhanAllah, how much hardship we would cause people?

          I initially tried to help her because I saw what she was doing wrong. But it is absolutely clear that the character of this man is destroying this marriage. It is not incumbent on her to stay miserable with a tightened chest and constant worry until this mans small improvements finally reach the level of of adequate.

          This woman has clearly been through a lot. I would advise her to get her finances straight and leave this man.

          And I can tell you this-divorce in a bad marriage is good for the children. Let the parents spend their time and energy on being good parents instead of their dysfunctional marriage. Let the kids not have the stress on their heads daily that their parents are fighting.

          I can't tell you how much my own mother has had to put up with and how much she still does(she is also trying to find a way out, inshaa Allah she will be given a way out soon.)

          "Did I inform my family/his family? Yes my family is ENCOURAGING me to divorce him. His family doesn't know about our marital woes because they don't speak english and are all the way in Egypt. My arabic isn't good enough to communicate with them my problems with him. And he won't tell them anything."

          I think that is enough for you. May Allah bless your marriage and provide you a way out.

          وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا
          And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out
          وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ
          And will provide for him from where he does not expect

        • Dear Sister,

          I wana say

          "he just seems like a typical person who is somewhat insensitive at times, but not because he is intentionally mean, or because he is using you, as someone else suggested. There is a big difference."

          while having intimacy with her and he does things which she dislikes and he even forces her to do things which she hates and inspite of telling him, if he still continue to be insensitive, just playing with her body when her souls yells- then how much pain would it cause to her! Isnt it equal to use her( physically). physical intimacy is a mean to get closer to each other and not getting far as this sister is going. Such forced or disliked way of physical intimacy is equal to rape.

          Her husband claims that he is a good provider to her. She has student loan to pay off but in place of helping her out being husband by paying her due loan (Especially he had a good chance when he sold his house) he tell her its not his problem!!! Later he tells her that if he sells his bigger house , the money will go toward his debts only and just showed a sorry towards her. Is this what ‘husband’ does? Now when she has started earning full time, her husband is asking her for money to make his car payments. When he did not help her out then how could he ask her to pay for his debts. Just because he is ‘husband’ ! Isn’t it make crystal clear that he now wants to use her for ‘money’.

          You said “I am a firm believer in the idea that you cannot force others to behave the way you want. You can only control your own behavior, ideas, and reactions to various situations.”

          Now tell me, what this sister should do when her life is joined with her husband being his wife. whatever he does, affects her. How could she control her behaviour, ideas and reactions when her husband acts insensitively!!

          He is insensitive towards her physical desires/requests,he is insensitive towards her financial problems. But he becomes sensitive (as husband) and asks his wife to pay off his debts!!! Isnt it ironic!

  35. Dear Sister Noha,

    As-salam-alaikum.

    II would like to state that

    1. His family must know about the problems you are facing with your husband/marriage. If you have any relative/friend (with whom you can share all this) who knows their language, so can communicate to them about whatz going on at your end. If you don't have anyone as such, then how about writing a letter/email to them (using language translation software easily available on internet). My point is that they should be made aware of things as they are your family too being wife of that man.

    2. Instead of thinking for an immediate divorce, first work out to save yourself from legal troubles in which he can put you (consult lawyer and act accordingly) & start saving money. this is need of the hour!

    3. Yesterday, on an islamic channel (Zee Salam - programme - Rahe Nijaat) an islamic scholar was describing how taking divorce. he stated that divorce is strongly disliked in Islam but if one has to due to unavoidable circumstances then the basic condition of divorce is not able to run the marriage for one reason or another. He gave example of like if husband is impotent, he is abusive/violent, he does not fulfill his duties as husband, immoral character etc. He added that if either of party feels that he/she has tried out her best and still things are not working then they can take divorce while giving a last short as follows.

    he advises that

    a. A sensible family member/ a close relative/friend (Muslim) may sit with both of them and discuss in mutual about the issues and try to resolve the same. Sometimes, issues are sorted out this way when things are analysed, made understood to both of them and resolved by a third person.

    b. He further stated that if still things seem not working out then both of them can live separately(not even talking) for a month in the same house (He added that husband can give ONE Talaq) and if the partner realizes his/her mistakes and wish to be together, they can remarry each other - I am NOT sure of this ruling One need to confirm this.) . He said that sometimes being at distance emotionally and physically, husband/wife can realize their mistakes and love/respect for each other can be regained.

    c. He said if still things do not improve and either of them is willing to get separated then divorce should be taken amicably.

    You can ask any authentic Islamic scholar about ruling of above and its applicability on your case.

    4. You said that you still have some love feelings for your husband but on other side, you want to divorce him and you claim that you will stay strong during/after divorce.

    But my dear sister, I dont think both things can go together. Divorce will drain you emotionally as well as financially. it will take place not just between you and him , but between him and kids too.

    You also need to ask the lawyer about possibility of custody of the kids. he might win over you?! Even if you get custody of the kids, he will take authority from court to visit the kids. then do you think you will able to see your husband (stranger to you - but father of your kids).

    Raising kids all alone is not easy, it might be possible that you kids may dislike/do not accept your decision of divorce and could feel hatred for you (especially chances are higher if your husband or his supporter put negative thoughts for you in heart of kids)

    5. If you have family support, its good but dont depend on them for anything. it wont last long for one reason or another. I have seen this around me. Your family will support you emotionally/financially upto a point only. If you divorce, you husband will become your earning (money). You need to be self independent from all sorts so not to become a burden on your family by any mean.

    Remember, if you divorce, there will be no way to return to him ever as per rules of Islam.

    therefore, I would advice that-

    1. First you should work out to save yourself from all sorts of possible legal troubles he can put you into. Make sure each and everything (act as per guidance of the lawyer for this). YOU HAVE TO DO IT WHETHER YOU CHOOSE TO CONTIUNE TO BE IN MARRIAGE OR TAKE DIVORCE.

    2. Try to live separately temporary once more ( at least for a week ) so you (i pray your husband too )can retrospect about the entire thing which would help you in making up your mind about this marriage.

    3. While away from your husband, check/observe about kids if they miss their father (when saying to them that he is working late or on official tour ) ask casually if they can live without their father...how much they miss him....if there is something they do not like about their father. This will help you to learn about your kids' feelings towards your husband and you can estimate how your divorce will impact them and how you would have to handle it all....

    I hope you are getting what i am trying to say.....

  36. “Whenever we are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging our relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

    Determine your attitude - towards your husband, your marriage, your future life. Think of everything with a cool head with their consequences and your ability to sustain them. Keep your kids in your mind all the time. Keep Divorce your last option but go for it only when it becomes inevitable but do not forget to prepare yourself accordingly well in advance. I do not aim to afraid you by any mean, i just want you to decide things at your own without being influenced by anyone. whatever you decide, ultimately it will be only you, who will go through it and will be held responsible for.

    I commend Sister A and agree with "At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows your circumstances and whether the situation you are living in is toxic enough to warrant divorce. Others can only offer different perspectives based upon their own reading of the situation. We all have certain life experiences that lead us to various conclusions."

  37. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you for your advise Br. Mahmoud. It is because of this advise and the advise from my family, that I am going to consult with a lawyer for legal counseling.

    Around the house my husband is doing great. He is cooking, helping me clean, and helping the children get ready for school.

    Alhumdudilah this is a big change for him. However, something is just amiss. I don't feel love for him any longer and when we are intimate, I just wish it were over...I don't enjoy it.

    I have these terrible thoughts about previous verbal and emotional abuse that I just can't seem to shake off. I have prayed and made du'aa. Some days I am fine..Other days I am depressed.
    Its almost like too much damage has already been done that it is now hard to repair the relationship.

    Yesterday I was discussing watching islamic programs with my husband. He always works and on his off days, he just watches nonsense movies. So I was talking with him about us possibly sitting together to watch islamic programming. My husband started laughing in my face. I did not know what to make of this, but it disturbed me a little bit.

    He also does not have his own thoughts or opinions. He adapts the opinions of others. Last night he was watching the most ridiculous show on television. I asked him why he watched such nonsense. He said "well alot of people said its popular".

    I

    Not only that but my oldest son is telling me that his dad is "weird". I don't know why a 9 year old would say this but he has.

    Mahmoud his family does not know about our marital problems. He does not tell them anything. So if I did proceed with the divorce, his family will be shocked and may blame me for it.
    I don't know how this will affect my children relationships with their family from their dad side.

    Insha'Allah may Allah protect me and all Muslims.

    ASA

  38. Dear Sister Noha,

    If your husband is showing some positive changes, keep observing him and check if he is really turning good or just posing.soon time will tell. if he is really true in his efforts, its good but i afraid if he is not, soon he will come back to his usual ways. but right now, dont distract/discourage him by showing any emotion (good or bad) but just be plain. soon you will know what he is really upto.

    one thing i would like to say, i appreciate your idea/wish to watch islamic programme with your husband and discuss Islamic topics, sharing opinions, learning etc. but as you have detailed that he does not take any interest in it, instead,he watches nonsense prgrammes/movies, well, everybody has their own taste and choice of TV programmes/movies. its not just him but many Muslim men/women watch such stupid nonsense non islamic programmes/movies.

    May be you feel bit much (for your husband) because you do not have any one else in the house (like mother in law, sister in law etc) as while watching such islamic programmes, one wishes to have someone around with whom you can discuss simultaneously. such programmes cannot be enjoyed with kids. i can understand it all.

    A person can watch islamic TV programme only if he/she enjoy it- take it as a mean to understand our religion, to learn about our religion, to get inspired to adept your life to such teachings, to get close to Allah. This is something which if one feels from within at your own, will get into, like you do. but unfortunately, your husband has no interest nor he is willing towards it hence he does not want to watch it hence i dont see any point in asking him to do so.its not worth.

    To put it in an example, my brother watches a comedy show, which is strongly disliked by his wife but she has no choice but either to watch alongwith him or just do what shes wishes. She chooses to play with her kids or do other tasks. When my brother is not around, she watches her favourite programmes.

    i can give you my example as well. i also like to watch Islamic tv programmes, sometimes i watch alongwith my mother. but sometimes, i wish to watch other knowledgeable tv channels liks Discovery etc. and if i tune into such channels, sometimes, my mother asks me to switch back to Islamic channels (As she has no interest in such programmes ) so, then it becomes like - either i unwillingly have to watch islamic programme or have to go away. the clash is not between type of programmes/channels but between taste and choices.

    Sometimes, we wish something good and genuine but we do not get it. your wish to sit with husband and watch islamic TV is one of them. Thankfully, he does not force you to watch alongwith him. Therefore, instead of feeling dejected or angry , i think you should accept this fact and leave the idea of having his company with you when it comes to tv for the simple reason that your (yours and your husband's) taste do not match. Its not a big deal as such.

    the big deal is if he changes himself otherwise in many other things. keep observing him. and i just hope that you are working to save yourself from those possible legal probs, he threatened to put you into. Please ensure about that as it is something which is need of the hour.

    Keep offering your salah regularly. Allah will show you right path. ameen.

  39. PS

    Your circumstances (or say your husband) have made you to become so distraught, confused, depressed, so disconnected (with your husband) and on top of that when a thought of divorce is circling in your mind, then it wont be easy for you to react positively. its not easy to forget past abuse be it verbal, emotional or sexual. So I can understand what you feeling and why.

    Now I've gone for too long
    Living like I'm not alive
    So I'm going to start over tonight
    Beginning with you and I”

    ― Hayley Williams

    i think you must try to live separately for a temporary period only (like with your parents) , you can take this break as routine visit to your parents, and see how things changes. Sometimes, being at distance, it buy us some time for wounds to heal, lost feelings of love and respect come back or you realize if they are REALLY gone!

    But give it some time, if your husband really improves, you might give him another chance. i dont know why but i feel that you would (and you wish to somewhere) and if he does changes good, then why not.

    Right now, since you feeling too fed up that divorce is looking like an attractive alternative to you but its not so, its not that easy and reading your post updates, it is confirmed that AS OF NOW you are not prepared for it (neither emotionally nor financially and even not practically).

  40. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you for your advise Sr. Repenter Muslimah. I am not ready for a divorce, but I am planning on calling lawyers within the week Insha'Allah for legal advise. Since I am working, I plan on saving my money starting from FIRST paycheck.

    My husband is manipulative when it comes to finances. EVERY money I spend, he ask me "where", "why?", "when", "how". For every dollar he used to give me, I was asked why did I buy or do such and such.

    Alhumdudilah Allah provided me with a job teaching and a means of earning my own money.

    Last night, my husband gave me an ultimatum about the car payment. He wanted to know since when the money been about "whose money it is?" He told me it was BOTH our money, so why shouldn't I pay for the car payment.

    I told him if the money is BOTH of ours, then it would have been BOTH of ours when it came to DECIDING on buying that expensive home.

    He looked at me as if I were crazy (as usual), and said "I don't see what you are talking about. What you are saying does not make sense".

    Whenever my husband cannot OWN up to any mistake or faults, his defensive response is "Noha you are crazy", "Noha there is something mentally wrong about you", "Noha you don't know anything about the real world", "Noha I am the air you breathe. You would be lost without me".

    In addition to the finances, my husband has repeatedly insulted me on so many levels. When I am tired, he forces himself on me. When I tell him I am sleepy he says "I don't care".

    Similar situations have happened like this over and over throughout the course of our marriage.

    WHy in the world should I stay with a person like this? So right now he is nice, but who is to say in another 2 months I won't find myself down the road of abuse again?? This is what is sooo terrifying for me and leaves me confused.

    I am confused about two things:

    1) What if I left now, and he actually was sincerely working towards changing?

    2) He is being kind for some time and will eventually (be it 3 or 4 or 6 months from now) repeat the abuse?

    Yesterday I saw a glimmer of his abusive behavior when we discussed the car payment. When I mentioned the house, he said "don't talk about the home again. The car has nothing to do with that. I don't understand what your issue is".

    So.. I am still going to call the lawyers regardless. I have to because it is definitely of importance right now.
    Emotionally I am ready to divorce tomorrow..But financially and practically not right now.

    May Allah work things out for the best Insha'Allah.

    ASA

    • Sister Noha,

      Waalaikumsalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

      First of all, I saw you realizing that though emotionally you find yourself ready to divorce but financially and practically not at this juncture atleast. This is a good sign for the reasons 1. You are thinking of everything with cool head & practically, so you can decide and act perhaps more appropriately. 2. You are giving him another chance to improve 3. Meanwhile, you are working to save yourself from those legal troubles.

      When he did not help you in paying off your student loan, when he did not even ask you before buying such expensive house which was out of budget and this car. Then how could he ask you to make payment for his car installment, especially when you yourself are in debt (student loan).its really strange of him. I am sorry to say but he seems to be a shameless person.

      But having said that, without having any prejudice or grudge against him, it is my honest opinion that you should start paying off your student loan which is long pending, at least this will lessen your burden a bit. And instead of arguing with him about this Car installment payment, it would be wise to keep patience and simply tell him that you dont have any extra money to help him out. just remind him of his words that it was he only who had asked you that you have to pay your student loan with your own money. so this is what you are doing. so you are helpless to help him out.

      Trust my dear sister, i am not saying this because of your husband and my compassionate feelings towards you This is not tit for tat but I am talking practical.
      You have to pay off your student loan and you should not delay it further when you know its only you - who has to pay it off. when you are not going to have from anyone (be husband or family) for this.

      If you happen to pay for his car installment, you student loan will again remain pending and he neither like in past nor in future will help you or return your money so you can pay off your student loan. With this your financial burden will merely increase.

      1) What if I left now, and he actually was sincerely working towards changing? - Once you clear to him that you wont be able to pay for his car installment, soon you will realize his actual side. If he has been artificial (so he can have your money for his installment or for any other reasons), he wont be able to sustain it for long. Time will make you to meet the reality. So you dont to leave as of now. Just keep your eyes and ears open.

      2) He is being kind for some time and will eventually (be it 3 or 4 or 6 months from now) repeat the abuse?- If you find him back to his old ways, then you can leave him for a temporary period but without any fight, you can use this time to determine things as i suggested above, then you can plan further accordingly.

      i reiterate that his family must be informed about his behavior and dealings. as you said "his family does not know about our marital problems. He does not tell them anything. So if I did proceed with the divorce, his family will be shocked and may blame me for it. I afraid of this too, that's why i wish that his family must know what is going on. Blames -may true or not but they often drain women emotionally and psychologically hence, please think of something possible way.

      last but not the least, keep your salah regular,pray to almighty to guide you, please do dua for your husband too and keep patience as.

      “Allah surely loves those who are the Sabireen (patient).” (3:146)


      “And be patient, indeed Allah is with the patient ones.” (8:46)

      (Remember, ultimately its your life and only you better your circumstances and abilities, you have to decide what to do or not at your own. I am just giving my opinion and ideas- decide at your own)

  41. (Remember, ultimately its your life and only you better know your circumstances and abilities, you have to decide what to do or not at your own. I am just giving my opinion and ideas based on my understanding and experience/observation around - You have to decide at your own)

    May Allah show us all right path. Aameen.

  42. As-Salamu Alakium Repenter Muslimah,

    Thank you so much sister for your advise which is rational and practical.I had a heart to heart with my husband last night. He is trying EVERYTHING to save the marriage.I told him yesterday, I no longer loved him as we are not compatible. It is better if we divorce. He told me no this isn't an option as divorce is not easy. It is quite sad to see an arrogant man bending down to change. I feel as if it's just an act that will last only for a little while.

    He is actually becoming a shadow of his former self. It is so sad to see. He is now hunching his back and shoulders and his demeanor is very, very, calm ..almost too calm. It makes me nervous because is this the calm before a huge storm?

    His change in behavior is leading me to question his sanity. I basically told him that we are no longer connecting as husband and wife. He told me well we have to make it work for the sake of the children. He told me the children will never be normal again if we divorce. He also told me that I should not be so selfish as to look at the divorce for my own benefit. He mentioned the kids matter most. I asked him "what about me?" He said "well divorce is not the answer". Once again whatever I feel, is quickly being ignored and pushed off to the side.

    So with all of this to think about, he is correct. However, he is so sad and depressed all the time. We NEVER talk about anything anymore. After we both mention our work day, he goes to the living room to watch television or the computer. I help the kids with homework and prepare them for bed.

    Later when the children are asleep, he is either on the computer or watching t.v. I am either reading or on the computer. We don't connect after this time.

    Things between us are becoming so quiet..Its quiet to the point of making me suspicious. I am not trusting his change 100%. He has only been back in the home for 3 weeks. A person cannot change their behavior completely in a matter of weeks. He swore to me that he took a vow that he will change himself. However, his so called changed is making him appear weak and sad.

    It is almost like he cannot be true to himself. I would not want that for him so I am willing to leave him based on not only my unhappiness with him, but also with the fact that he is not able to truly change.

    With all of this being stated, I feel that the best thing to do is to wait until a big blow-out... I suppose.. until then it will be clear that divorce is the only option.

    Sister I am opening up my own bank account Insha'Allah and saving EVERY dime of my salary. I will also start paying off my loans Insha'Allah.
    Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your stories with me. It makes me appreciate you and the muslim Brs and Sisters who also shared their stories with me as well. May Allah (SWT) bless you and reward you.

    Jazak'Allah Khair

  43. As-Salamu Alakium

    My family want me to divorce him. They told me that they feel my husband is arrogant, selfish, and out for himself. My mother told me he is very shameful to ask me to pay for the car payment. I feel used sometimes by him.

    His sisters and sister-in-laws back in egypt are NOT working. Their husbands (my husband's brothers) are maintaining their households and they are living so comfortably. Yet my husband (who is his brothers' boss; he owns his own computer business, his brothers are employees), not only sees NO problem with me working full time with 4 small children. He sees no problem with me working like this to pay off my debts. He wants me to pay his car note. Not only this, but when we had the issue with the car payment, he is now mentioning that my son (who goes to aftercare since I finish work after school is out), $200 babysit fee needs to be paid. He told me "I should at least pay this". When I told him about my debt, he said well "nothing is easy".

    Needless to say I can't help but feel used. His brothers are making less money and their wives have the opportunity to stay home and raise their children (one brother has 2 children; the other 2; and the third none), but I often hear of the vacations my in-laws go on together.

    I am not jealous and Alhumdudilah for their successes.. It just makes me feel bitter sometime that I am married to a manager/owner of his own company and yet I have to work full time (which is fine) but now I have to pay some of the bills too.
    But Alhumdudilah don't want to complain. Just venting I suppose.

    Salaams

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      You are quite right to not spend a penny on him. Don't spend a penny on the car or babysitter, spend it on your loans. What is he going to do, divorce you?

      Again, you as the wife are not the one who has an obligation to spend money. You need to get rid of riba because all the pain you have been through doesn't even scratch the punishment of riba. The one who pays riba and the one who receives it and the two witnesses who record the transaction are all equal in sin.

      I can't stress this enough-the idea that he can just move to Egypt and leave you with debts is pretty scary. Perhaps you've said this, but you need to contact a lawyer now and see what your options are.

      As for divorce, I think I've possibly injected my personal opinion in this too much. Your family has given you their advise and I suggest you do istikharah. You need to make the judgement yourself whether this marriage is worth saving or not.

  44. As-salam-alaikum dear Sister.

    I feel so sorry for you my dear sister. The emotional/physical/verbal abuses you had have-has dried your feelings for him and had made you out of love and that’s why you no longer wish to be with him, even when he is trying (or posing- though not clear yet) to improve.

    His being good and caring and his words to save marriage or think of kids or divorce is not easy has taken place but its just been some weeks, this sudden changes in him, instead of calming you , healing your wounds or regaining love feelings, has actually made you more doubtful about him. Its natural and obvious, some good weeks cannot heal an long abusive past. So I can understanding your feelings and doubts.

    On the other hand, your husband may posing or if he really wishes to change (as you said that he has taken a vow) but it seems he is having a tough time because to change is easy to be said but one has to fight with your own self to change or adept yourself and sustain them. Sudden changes generally do not last long, especially if you are faking. God knows what the reality is but its his efforts that make him look sad and depressed. May be he feels dejected seeing your cold response. His sudden being good & feeling depressed…too calm to believe, actually bring more doubts to you about him that he is not able to truly change.

    If this calm is really a sign of a huge storm to come? May be or may not be. But I recommend(only) that you should not react negatively towards him. Divert your mind on kids and your job. Think of things which would be required to be done by you especially in future. I am saying this because you can count this last chance given by you to him and if he doesn’t improve- you can proceed for separation (or say divorce) and in future it will save you from feeling guilty that you didn’t let him try/you didn’t give him last chance/you didn’t reciprocate positively towards his changes etc…(I hope you are getting what I mean to say. All I meant is to save you from blames he could put on you or self blame sometimes women put on themselves)

    About his family members living a comfortable life, I know you are not jealous of them, but you must remind yourself that all that glitters is not gold. Who knows they might think the same thing for you?!! A person’s happiness cannot be determined from their outlooks. Isn’t it true.
    And so what even if they are really happy in their lives but then everybody has a different destiny. Yours and mines cannot be same. This is called life. Isn’t?

    I agree with Mahmud that “Don't spend a penny on the car or babysitter, spend it on your loans.”

    You said “ My family want me to divorce him”. Okay. You also seem to want to do the same. Remember, this decision will impact merely you and your kids from all aspects as we have discussed earlier. You being their mother, have to take all necessary steps to safeguard your kids and you have to prepare yourself practically to bear the burden of financial and emotional needs not just of kids but yours too. now its not a time to think emotionally, be rational and practical.

    Keeping divorce in mind, I recommend that you also need to mentally prepare yourself for emotional loneliness or fighting with desires of physical intimacy ( I am sorry if am saying too much but it does trouble a single woman in one way or other). You need to plan and set your daily routines being single parent. You had wanted to be a home maker but now when you have got to working then plan out and get used to this routine with immediate effect to order to train yourself beforehand.

    I just hope that you have consulted some lawyer and working to save yourself from those threatened possible legal problems.

    Seek Allah in this time, make istikhara before taking any big step.

  45. PS-
    As it is said that it takes all sorts to make a world.

    You know, I have seen many women around who have/had experienced all sorts of mental/sexual/physical harassment or abuse from their husbands. There are many women who get beaten up by their husband in the morning and the same women putting their make up on, will wait for their husbands in the evening and serve them. I have seen this happening not just among illiterate or poor families but with working & educated couples too.

    I still remember my colleague I had in my previous job, who in spite of being only daughter, in spite of being educated and earning, used to be beaten up by her husband occasionally and even her husband had got affair with her brother’s wife. She knew it all but she could not divorce him simply because of her kids and fear of society. She thought that she is not capable of leading life all alone.

    I have seen those women too who raised their voice against such husbands and took divorce and lead a single life happily with their kids without any fear or complaints.

    This tells us that it all depends on your attitude and strength (physical, emotional, financial). The action and consequences will depend how you approach towards it all. choice is yours, so are results.

  46. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Br. Mahmoud. Last night I gave him an ultimatum about the car payment. He was pretending at first, that he never asked for it. Then when I keep pressing the issue, he said "he needed me to help out" (because his company is in debt). Long story short, I told him how could he expect me to work to pay off my student haram debt, raise our 4 children, and help him out financially. He then said "because this is what husband and wives to for each other. They share money"

    So I told him if this is what husband and wives do, why DID HE NOT GIVE me some MONEY from our house sell (both of our names were on the old house) to go towards my student loans (especially when the house we got we couldn't afford. And when I suggested moving to a smaller home, he kept saying that it was miskeen or poor).

    He then became angry, and started yelling at me in rage. He was trembling and pulling at his hair. He then told me in such rage to "LEAVE HIM ALONE. and GET OUT OF HIS FACE!". I did not back down..

    So I asked him, "why you can't be honest?"

    He tells me : " Noha there is something wrong with you. You are crazy. You need some help. You cannot leave me in peace, you always want to argue and fight. You can't leave anything alone,etc etc"...

    I am so used to this behavior and shifting blame (when he is guilty) that I just shut down mentally.

    I went to my room, made du'aa, and told myself today Insha'Allah I will be speaking with an attorney for divorce.

    Subhan'Allah should I continue with a man who can never admit his faults? And when he is at fault, he BLAMES his wife? I been putting up with this behavior for over 6 or 7 years now.

    EVERYTHING that goes wrong, it's Noha's fault. One time my son (he has ADHD) was not accepted at this private school because the principal had given him the wrong entrance exam. When my son completed the exam after 3 hours (my son is 6), the principal recognized his fault. He said "Mrs. Noha and Br. I am sorry but your son took the wrong exam. He has to take this new test right now"

    I LOST it. I respectfully told the principal I did not like the way he handled things and so me, my husband and son left. As we are driving, my husband says "Noha it is your fault now that my son is not accepted in to the school".

    When I was in egypt. I wanted to buy a necklace for myself. The salesman told me it was 80 EP (egyptian pounds). I noticed that ANOTHER woman brought the same necklace from him for 25 EP. When I confronted the man, he became furious. He then told my husband (who was standing nearby) that it isn't fair he has to sell his jewelry to a foreigner for its ACTUAL price. Foreigners have money (I swear this happened) and should pay the extra price.

    Needless to say my husband smoothed things for the guy and paid him 40 EP instead. As we were leaving, I mentioned how it is not Halaal to sell a Muslim an item at two different prices. He sold to the Egyptian lady for 25. He told me 80 simply because he knew I was foreigner.

    My husband said, "well he has a family and the rent is expensive in Egypt so I don't blame him".

    Agh I'm just venting my frustrations brother lol. Do not mind me but I have been through a lot with this man. May Allah bless you for your advice and May Allah protect and bless all Muslims.

    Ameen

    • Salam sister Noha,

      How are you doing my dear sister. Everything you say about your husband just flashes back memories of my ex. Blaming me for everything! Asking me to pay his debts! His sister couldn't get married its my fault. Once His bank account got closed because he didn't pay the outstanding amount. Then he got mad at me saying its all my fault! I said "how?" Because you should have put your money into my account! I was gobsmacked. When I told him that he should be paying the bills not me! Then he says " oh its all about rights and responsibilities for you, im just a money machine for you! If you loved me you would do anything for me"! His words just made me mental!

      My ex was so manupilating. I even believed that i was bad. I lost everything for him!

      Sister your husband is the same, manupulating, cunning and emotional abusive. Sister you do not need to make a decision now. But for now do not fall prey to him.

      Take whatever he says in one ear and chuck it out the other! Don't let him rip you apart by his words! These men are clever with their words. You need to be clever too! Don't let him overcome you in this power struggle that has gone on long enough.

      You know sister my aunt told me something very true, we women think to much and do nothing. Instead we should stop thinking and just do what we think is right.

      For now, dont listen to your husband, just ignore him and carry on doing what you think is right. You know he is wrong so what does it matter what he says to you or if he blames you. Just ignore. Just keep paying your student loan. Dont pay anything else! He cant force you! If he argues saying why dont you pay car bill. Just say nicely with a big smile " I told you darling I am not paying for the car" you are my maintaner and protector. Allah has assigned you to pay for all mine and my kids needs". Thats it then walk away and carry on don't listen or respond to anything he says. If he keeps pestering just say I have given you my answer and have nothing else to say in this matter. Thats it talk to the hand honey.

      Just play it cool sister. Be clever with words make him crazy so he has nothing to say. If he keeps playing the story that his got debts and you should help out. Tell him " well who's fault is that"? You bought a big house and car you can't afford now you are asking me to pay for it?!! Are you mad?!! You can solve this problem easily darling by selling the house and car and getting something you can afford! There I gave you the solution! Its not my problem if you don't want to be debt free!!

      Then walk to another room. Just be firm and calm. Don't lose your cool sis. Then he will relize that his blaming and guilt trip tactics are not having any effect on you! He can't mess you around. He needs to see that you are strong and will not take any nonsense from him.

      I don't think he wants to leave you sister. His just bluffing! His trying to scare you and make you into a door mat. So don't fall for his trick! Whats the worse that can happen? Divorce? Well thats already on the cards so not a major shock.

      But whatever you do see a lawyer asap to see your you stand do he does'nt rip you off! But make it clear to him that you love thd kids but if he doesn't change then you will be thinking about divorce and will not keep bearing this injustice just for the sake of playing happy families.

      I think people who struggle in an abuse marriage just for the sake of the kids are not really doing the kids any favours! As the kids will be traumatized by the constant fight and arguements at home. So wheres the happy family in mummy and daddy staying together when they cannot get along.

      You cant have two enemies living in the same house. So its the same for husband and wife. Two people who can't get along, how can they live together without fights. Does'nt make sense unless the wife just keeps her mouth shut and tolerated it all.

      I guess i am bitter because of what I have been through. So take it with a pinch of salt. Its your decision what you do. But just be firm. Don't let him bring you down. He can't force you to do anything you don't want to.

      Take care xx : )

  47. As-Salamu Alakium Sr. Sumaira,

    Thank you sister for your kind words of wisdom. Those words you said are so useful: "Play it cool". This is something I must do now because when I am upset, he takes the defense. I have an appointment with a lawyer for Tuesday Insha'Allah. Please please make du'aa for me. It will be so difficult facing a stranger and confiding to him my problems.

    Insha'Allah Allah will make it easy.

    Jazak'Allah Khair sister May Allah bless you

    Ma'salama 🙂

  48. Dear Sister Noha,

    I wish you good luck for your appointment with lawyer.

    Keep yourself cool and easy....

  49. Yes good luck Noha,

    Just spill the beans. Lawyers deal with these things all the time so don't worry or feel embarressed. Just tell them everything!

    Get them on your side!

    All my love. : )

  50. As-Salamu Alakium Sisters,

    Alhumdudilah I had a consultation with a lawyer yesterday. I told him EVERYTHING. The emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and mentioned we had some intimate issues (I was too shy to go in detail about the intimacy). Needless to say he told me that I was being abused and not respected. When I mentioned how my husband had threatened to leave his debts in my name, the lawyer told me "he had no chance in hell to do such thing". The lawyer then told me the character of my husband appears to be lacking.

    When the lawyer asked me about my intimacy issue, the only thing I mentioned was sometimes my husband forces himself on me. For example when I am totally not in the mood, my husband will approach me. When I tell him I am not in the mood today, he's response is usually "I don't care", then he will proceed to force himself on me.

    Just this past weekend, I wanted to see a movie. My husband and I were relaxing watching this movie. Out of nowhere he just touches me..There is nothing leading up to this.. So I was not interested. I told him I'd rather watch the movie (besides I was on my period). He then stuck his tongue down my throat without my warning! When I didn't kiss him back, he said, "What is wrong with you? Why you wont kiss me?"

    I said: "didn't I tell you I wasn't in the mood? Besides I am on my period".

    He says "I can't believe you. You are impossible to deal with". He then gently pushes me away and sulks while we watch the movie.

    I hate feeling like everything is my fault.

    Sometimes I think Allah will punish me because I am not warm and loving to my husband.

    The lawyer told me that if a husband forces himself on his wife this is rape!! Astagfirlah.. Is it rape? I am not sure.

    Sisters I really need some advise as I am so confused now. Yesterday my husband cooked and cleaned the house. He also took them to the mosque. This past weekend he put me down. Last Wednesday he told me he wanted a divorce. This week (just yesterday) he told me he wanted to work on this marriage and divorce wasn't an option.

    I told him I wasn't happy. I just want to go and leave him. He just looks at me and says: "Just be patient. I will change".

    He knows I am not happy. I have told him more than 10 times how unhappy I was as I feel we are not compatible. He KNOWS this but refuses to ACCEPT it. Where does this leave me??

    He only tells me "say Alhumdudilah for what you have. Many women want to be in your place"..

    Astagfirallah maybe my husband does have Aspergers. I don't know what to make of it at all.

    Now he is threading very carefully around the house. Yesterday I yelled at him about not helping me bathe the kids. He just said "sorry I will be better next time".

    He can be an arrogant man so it is heartbreaking to see him act so passive. Its almost like he has to change his entire character for me. I wouldn't want to pressure anyone do to that so this is why I'd rather leave. I do not see my situation getting any better with him.

    Today he is so passive..What if he snaps tomorrow? It is so hard to tell. I feel like I have been on this emotional roller coaster with him for 10 years. I am so tired now and just want out the marriage.

    He will fight me tooth and nail if I serve him with divorce papers. Of this I am sure. He has already told me he would call Child Services to take my kids away from me if I divorce him. He also told me he would place his debts in my name and declare bankruptcy. He told me he will find a lawyer to do this.

    I asked him how could he be so mean to the mother of his 4 children. He told me: "Well if I am no longer sleeping with you, I will throw you away like trash".

    There has been so much emotional damage that I am afraid we can never repair this marriage.

    Please please make du'aa for me Sisters and Brothers. May Allah bless all of you. Ameen

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Sister, what you're describing in this post isn't Asperger's syndrome. It's abuse.

      Asperger's syndrome is a neurodevelopmental condition that among other things makes it harder for people to "read" others, but people with Asperger's syndrome can still learn appropriate social skills and have healthy relationships and marriages inshaAllah.

      Your husband may or may not have Asperger's syndrome, but regardless of that, the behaviour you've described is wholly unacceptable. You are NOT trash - you are a Muslimah and his wife, and deserve to be treated with love and respect by your husband. Legally and morally, rape is defined as sexual intercourse where one person is not consenting - regardless of marital status (in most countries), if a woman says no, a man has to respect that - if he continues to force himself on her then it can be classed as sexual assault and he could be prosecuted for rape.

      It's understandable to be worried about your children and your financial status, so it's important for your lawyer to be aware of these threats your husband has made. Your lawyer should be able to make sure your assets are accounted for and protected, and that your children remain with you, inshaAllah.

      May Allah guide and protect you and your children, and guide this man back to his deen.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Dear Sister,

      I am sorry to hear that things are not turning better but getting worse. It seems you are already out of this marriage, its just a matter to declare formally and legally- when and how is the question. It looks if you are no longer willing to give him chance. The emotional damage you have is making you just to get rid of him.

      Inbetween,I happened to read Sister Amy's answer. Have you considered for marital counseling?i reiterate that his family must be informed about his behavior and dealings.

      Now he has threatened to call Child Services. i guess you must discuss this matter with your lawyer and check the possibility of custody of the kids and alimony and plan further steps in consultation with your lawyer.

  51. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Midnightmoon for your advise. I recognize the signs of abuse. I have been enduring it for the entirety of our marriage.
    The lawyer was made aware of my husband's threats. He told me there is little my husband could do to prove me an unfit mother.
    Basically the lawyer told me that my husband's threats are just hot air-literally and legally nothing.

    RepenterMuslimah, we went for marital counseling. It did not work out because my husband never said a word there. As a matter of fact, when we went there, my husband was trying to talk to the Imam about HIS BUSINESS and his LIFE in the States! My husband told the Imam all about his computer business and how he supports his family back in Egypt. The Imam listened respectfully but kept LOOKING at me to say something.

    After 15 minutes of my husband talking about himself, my husband then ASKED the IMAM about HIS LIFE!!!

    It was as if my husband was trying his best to deter the counseling session.

    Finally, I interrupted and told the Imam our marital woes.

    My husband just sat there like a bump on the log... Emotionless.. cold..Not saying ONE word about our marriage.

    The Imam gave us marital advise and emphasized the marital duties of both husband and wife in accordance to Islam.

    Walahi my husband was looking as if he was about to cry. The Imam asked him three or four times, if he was ok. My husband just nodded.

    Now I didn't even mention the sexual assault when I was there. I regretted it later. When we were driving home, my husband told me he would work on things and I told him I would be more patient.

    Next week after the counseling session, I was violated sexually not once but 3 times. When I told my husband I should have mentioned this to the Imam, he said, "It is haraam to tell the Imam our personal business"..

    I told him "well what about sexual assault"?

    My husband said, "what are you talking about? There is something wrong with you".

    I feel so torn apart right now. As I mentioned sister, he is a very good provider and father to his children.

    He helps me around the house and at times will cook and clean.

    However when it comes to relationships, he is NOT husband material - At least not for me.

    My mom is practically sick with worry over me. She and my father wants me to get out NOW. I am still trying to hang in there for the kids' sake.

    May Allah protect and guide all Muslims.

    Salaams

  52. As-salam-alikum dear Sister,

    I can understand what you going through. But do you think that just hanging in there for the kids's sake will solve the problem. in such relationship, you will have to seal your lips, you will have to stop feeling or reacting as such, you will have to act as per his desire may it is out of your nature, like, taste, choice and interest. it will be not just mentally but physically as well. you will have to bear his sexual abuse again and again. Do you think you can do that? if yes, or if you think for kids sake, you will...okay but can you sustain this life long?

    I mean when you are not at peace with yourself (because of this man) and when he would do this and that now and then, will you be a normal couple or parents? Do you think being such way, you both will provide a good upbringing to your kids?!!! your kids are small now so they don't find affected with this all as such as of now but with passing time, it will be difficult not just for you but your kids too. it will affect their personalities as an individuals.

    what your parents want doesnt matter. What you want does. So think and decide what you want. Take your pick and be responsible for the choice you made.

    Why don't you try to live separately temporary once more for couple of weeks (you can visit your parents), so you can retrospect about the entire thing & can take final decisions about this marriage.

    Think of everything as an individual, as a wife, as a mother.
    Think of him as an individual, as husband, as father to kids and decide things accordingly.

    • waassalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Whatever you do at this point, you NEED to get your finances straight. It's good this mans threat is not worth the energy he put to speak them.

      However, now you need to make dua to Allah so that you get out of your difficulty and focus on getting into financial stability.

      Forget paying his bills. That is NOT your responsibility.

      Imam Ahmad recorded that Hudhayfah said that the Prophet sallahualayhiwasalam said,

      «لَا يَنْبَغِي لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يُذِلَّ نَفْسَه»

      (It is not required of the Muslim that he humiliate himself.) They said, `How does one humiliate himself'' he said;

      «يَتَعَرَّضُ مِنَ الْبَلَاءِ لِمَا لَا يُطِيق»

      (He takes on trials that he is not capable of enduring. ) This was recorded by At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah, and At-Tirmidhi said, "This Hadith is Hasan Sahih Gharib.''

  53. As-Salamu Alakium

    A Repenter Muslimah and Mahmoud,

    Thank you sooo soo much for your advise. I am now in the process of setting up my finances. It is going to be tough but with Allah help I will be fine.

    @RepenterMuslimah: It is strange how you mentioned that because I just told my husband yesterday that if I am to remain in this marriage, I will just have to "keep silent" and this is not something I can easily do.

    My husband didn't get it. He just said something to the effect of "you are making it hard on me"..

    Slowly I am tuning him out because nowadays he makes me sooo soo angry.

    Thank you so much Brothers and Sisters for your advise. Most of you are saying what I am feeling but am afraid to say out loud.

    Today my husband asked me why I was on this site. I told him our marriage is in such damage that I am relying on Muslims for advise. He DIDN'T EVEN CARE! He just said, "Oh so you want to divorce me because some strangers told you to do so?".. My husband thinks I am stupid. May Allah forgive me and him.

    Thank you so much Mahmoud, RepenterMuslimah, Sumaira, and others. May Allah continue to bless all of you and me and our families. Ameen

    • Dear Sister Noha,

      Whatever I said was out of sudden emotion reading your message. perhaps i didn't read your message properly.I feel concerned for you as i have seen my elder sister in the same situation and she had chosen to be in marriage just for sake of Kids but actually she went through hell. I afraid that history should not repeat, might be my words sounded scolding or taunting ones but my sole aim was to not let you get weak in the name of kids. I hope you are getting what i meant and aimed. Still I am sorry if i hurt you.

      Your Sister.

  54. Imam Ahmad recorded that Hudhayfah said that the Prophet sallahualayhiwasalam said,

    «لَا يَنْبَغِي لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يُذِلَّ نَفْسَه»

    (It is not required of the Muslim that he humiliate himself.) They said, `How does one humiliate himself'' he said;

    «يَتَعَرَّضُ مِنَ الْبَلَاءِ لِمَا لَا يُطِيق»

    (He takes on trials that he is not capable of enduring. ) This was recorded by At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah, and At-Tirmidhi said, "This Hadith is Hasan Sahih Gharib.''

    ________________________________

    Mahmoud: Ameen Mahmoud. I needed to hear this Hadith. Masha'Allah.

  55. As-Salamu Alakium

    RepenterMuslimah- No sister you did not offend me! I am actually glad you confided your story about your sister to me because your sister's situation only makes me re-evaluate my own similar situation with my husband. On the contrary, your comments have given me insight into my own problems. It made me see that there are other women who suffer through the same things I am going through.

    My husband had convinced me for a long time that I was "an ungrateful, foolish, and ignorant woman". He had convinced me of this for so long that I lost self-confidence in myself.

    Reading your comments, Mahmoud's, Sumaira, and speaking with my family and friends have convinced me that I have indeed been suffering abuse for far, far, too long. It is time for me to take the next step and go my separate way.

    Yesterday I TRIED SOOO SOOO VERY HARD to get my husband to understand the mental and emotional abuse I been enduring for a long time. Do you know what he said? He said "Did I ever rape you?"

    I told him "In a way yes. When you forced yourself on me and I told you no, and you proceeded anyway, that is sexual assault".

    He then LOST IT. He told me to GET OUT OF HIS FACE.

    He went to bed ANGRY with me. He woke up angry with me.. I asked him about our talk last night.

    He told me "I am sick and tired of your mess"... So once again what I feel, does not count.

    So thank you sister for sharing your story with me. It simply shows me that I too am hurting in an abusive relationship.

    Alhumdudilah I am finally seeing things clearer now. He is an emotional abuser and May Allah help him and myself.

    Salaams 🙂

  56. Dear Sister Noha,

    As-salam-alaikum

    No doubt, divorce in Islam is the most disliked permissible act but when it becomes inevitable then what one can do. Maintain your finances as money will become your husband (sorry but this is how i see from perspective of single woman) re evaluate everything and plan things carefully with a practical mind not by heart. Start training yourself within towards leading life as single parent.

    I just wish you all good luck. My duas are with you .

    Your Sister

  57. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Sister. Allah will make it easy Insha'Allah.

  58. As-salamu Alaykum,
    Before we say that divorce is inevitable and wish Noha well in her new life, I wonder if we do not have any other readers who may be able to offer constructive advice on how to keep this family together. Noha, I have hesitated dozens of times to write yet another response to this thread and yet I feel compelled to offer another perspective. Although I do not live in your home and experience what you experience on a daily basis, I honestly do not see anything in your situation that is insurmountable.

    Sister, this may sound harsh, but I want to point something out to you that you may not have thought about much, which is that you seem to be doing everything possible to sabotage your husband's efforts.

    Example: He helps you in the home but neglects to bathe the kids, so you yell at him.

    Example: He changes his behavior to please you, but you believe it is not genuine so you provoke him into showing his "true colors".

    Example: He tries to get close to you on the couch (hardly a crime, dear Sister) and you strongly rebuff him and then mock him on this web site.

    In addition, you have listed numerous everyday things that annoy you about your husband, and it is clear that he can't do anything right in your eyes.

    I see two possibilities for your actions:

    1. You are so frustrated by years of holding things in and pretending everything is okay that you have just lost it and can't control your negative emotions, even if you behave unfairly to your husband. He has hurt you, so you want him to be hurt, too.

    2. You don't truly want your husband to change. If he changes, then you won't have a reason to divorce him. For you, the status quo is more comfortable because it becomes easy to justify the divorce. Therefore, you do everything possible to bring out the nasty side of him.

    Although no one here knows what truly goes on inside your home, there are many things in your posts that indicate that you husband wants to work things out with you, so I think you should ask yourself honestly whether you have given things sufficient time. As someone who's been married more than 20 years myself, I feel that you are being rather hasty. Marriages go through cycles as we grow, change, and mature, and people often say and do things they do not mean when they are provoked or angry. The key is letting go of these past experiences and focusing on what you want your relationship to be like in the future. In just a short year or two, you might find that this is all water under the bridge that has made you a stronger couple.

    If you are already in the process of divorcing your husband (as it seems you are), my suggestion is to live your remaining weeks or months as a married couple in peace. There is no need to argue if you are getting divorced anyway, right? Living together in kindness during the pre-divorce period is a sunnah of our religion, and I think it has much wisdom and benefit to the married couple because you might actually get used to treating each other nicely and consequently reconsider the divorce as well.

    Remember, Sister, that you CAN solve your difficulties with your husband, but you cannot expect instantaneous results. I pray that Allah SWT puts love and mercy between you and makes it possible for you to reconcile.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      You are claiming these difficulties are surmountable, but you don't really give that much evidence. Pathetic half-hearted attempts to change doesn't mean Noha has to endure another set of brutal, painful years until her husband makes those pathetically incremental changes until he finally become adequate just to salvage this marriage. The onus is on her husband to change, not her.

      It's horrific enough that she thinks he's changed one day and he reverts to disgusting behavior on another. How much is she going to have to go through?

      She has kids to worry about. The man is neglecting her rights and increasing in sin. It's only worse for him to increase in sin.

      The reality is, people really don't change like that. Not unless Allah guides. And even then, the trauma of the past remains.

      If you are already in the process of divorcing your husband (as it seems you are), my suggestion is to live your remaining weeks or months as a married couple in peace.

      Agreed. There is no doubt the marriage needs to end peacefully. Which means Noha does her part to end it peacefully, and if her husband makes it ugly, the sin and the burden is on him. The Sunnah is to end to peacefully from what I have read.

      I'd lastly like to reiterate this advice. It seems that Noha is going through an incredible amount of stress and if she tries to stay with her husband, this stress will increase. She has kids to care about doesn't she? Those kids need a healthy mother. It's horrible enough what she is going through. I feel you are putting unneeded pressure on her. For what is it that this marriage should be salvaged? The man is clearly not competent enough to be a husband and any changes don't seem like other marriages. In another marriage the process might be slow but it would be sure. This man is not trustworthy. He is ok one day and bad on another. Is this the kind of torture you want to put her through? It's not a functional marriage where both sides need to work on it. It's a one sided marriage with one party demonstrating disgusting character and not fulfilling the rights of the other.

      Noha, get your finances in check, seek the help of Allah and be in a position where you can get out. This is your priority now. You have done consultation with others and this is a sunnah. The majority have given you a pretty clear response.

      Finally, i'd like to remind Noha of what the Messenger of Allah sallahualayhiwasalam said because if there is any human's words which should be repeated, it's his-

      Imam Ahmad recorded that Hudhayfah said that the Prophet sallahualayhiwasalam said,

      «لَا يَنْبَغِي لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يُذِلَّ نَفْسَه»

      (It is not required of the Muslim that he humiliate himself.) They said, `How does one humiliate himself'' he said;

      «يَتَعَرَّضُ مِنَ الْبَلَاءِ لِمَا لَا يُطِيق»

      (He takes on trials that he is not capable of enduring. ) This was recorded by At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah, and At-Tirmidhi said, "This Hadith is Hasan Sahih Gharib.''

  59. As-Salamu Alakium

    Sister A- I respect your advise but I strongly disagree. I have indeed been holding on to negative emotions and pretending that everything is ok. Sister to be so honest with you, the marriage started out wrong in so many ways.I was in college, he was starting his business, and we just met each other with the intention of fulfilling the Sunnah Alhumdudilah. We married pretty hastily though. It was only after 3 months of knowing one another.

    Married life was not smooth with us from the VERY beginning. When we would argue, he would call female friends from his old college "just to talk". He did this once or twice until I screamed at him so badly. Eventually it stopped.

    One time when we had been married for a month, I met his parents for the first time. He later told me (after his family had left) how he was "better than me and that he could have done better". Walahi I will NEVER forget how bad I cried myself to sleep that night as the comment had came completely left field.
    He later apologized.

    When I was about 5 months pregnant with our first son, one day he just tells me "did you get married to me and pregnant so fast to trap me"?

    I don't want to keep going back and forth with who said what. I am not perfect. I have said some pretty awful things to him about his character, his behavior, and his actions.

    In the past, I would call him an "idiot" when defending myself after he had insulted me. He would get mad at the WORD IDIOT but failed to see how he had insulted me. In the past, I would apologize even though he was the aggressor.

    Now to be so honest with you I have become bitter, sad, and angry. I cannot continue to live with him.
    I have strong feelings of wanting to commit zina that I simply cannot shake off. The need for cheating is not to satisfy a sexual need, but to satisfy an emotional need.

    @Mahmoud- As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Mahmoud for your advise. I cannot keep tolerating my husband's behavior any long. Last night I told him I wanted OUT he said something about how he would have to declare bankruptcy and how foolish I was because I did not understand the depth of the finances.
    He shows me a paper with ALL of his credit card debt and tells me "see the lawyer is going to split these debts and make you pay for half".

    Then he FINALLY (after all these years) APOLOGIZED for sexually abusing me in the bedroom and for emotionally abusing me. This apology came 5 years too late for me. When he apologized, Walahi I didn't feel ANYTHING. Its like my heart can no longer function around this man.

    Now I need to talk to a lawyer about the finances because my husband will clearly declare bankruptcy once we divorce. He has told me NUMEROUS times he would declare BANKRUPTCY if we divorce and PLACE the COMPANY in my NAME. HE said this AGAIN TO ME LAST NIGHT.

    He told me to promise to work on the marriage. And I'm sitting here like didn't he just hear me out 10 minutes ago when I told him 5 times "I want a divorce?" I am not sure if my husband has Asperger's as someone earlier mentioned or if he just does not give a crap about my emotional well-being. Something tells me its the latter.

    If my husband told me he wanted out, then I would just have to give it to him.. I am not understanding why when I tell him I "cannot keep going on in this marriage" why he insist I stay in it.

    May Allah forgive me, I even told him I was thinking of committing Zina! He just looked at me and said "well lets work on saving the marriage"!

    Needless to say I am meeting with a lawyer some time this week Insha'Allah to sort through the finances and see how much child support he would be awarded to pay out.

    @Sister A- Just know that my marriage has been falling about for about 5 years now. The failed marriage did not happen suddenly.. It was 5 years in the making.

    Mahmoud- As the Sunnah states it is unbecoming of a muslim to humiliate himself, I too can no longer keep up the facade of this marriage. May Allah guide me towards the correct decision.

    As-Salamu Alakium

  60. wan alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    "Now I need to talk to a lawyer about the finances because my husband will clearly declare bankruptcy once we divorce. He has told me NUMEROUS times he would declare BANKRUPTCY if we divorce and PLACE the COMPANY in my NAME. HE said this AGAIN TO ME LAST NIGHT."

    I thought you cleared this nonsense of his with the lawyer, sister? Get the lawyer again and ask him thoroughly if there is any possible way your husband can actually do such a thing.

    I don't know how he can possibly just dump the debt on your without your permission. Please get a lawyer, and if need be, sue him, inshaa Allah the courts will be in your favor.

  61. Sister Noha,

    I just have to reply to you. I just can't believe what your estranged husband is trying to do to you. Look at the odassity of him after apologising he still threatens to dump the debt on you.

    My ex did the same to me when I wanted to leave him he came crying back apologising promising to change, When things don't go his way he is back to his normal self again. This is just normal for these men. They have no intention of changing.

    The only reason he tells you that he doesn't want a divorce and wants to work on it is because he doesn't want to lose his easy ride, his doormat (YOU). He knows he can never find another women like you who will tolerate his abuse! My ex husband didn't want to leave me because I was his free bed and breakfast! since he never paid a penny!. Or he might be buying time to sort out his finances so that he can lumber it on you and leave you low and dry! even worse.

    Sister you need to act fast. Forget about the argueing and fighting, let him do what he wants. Who cares you have already made up your mind. Just please discreetly sort out your finances ASAP! (Just don't let him sleep with you if its too much to handle!, just tell him you need time to adjust.)

    I think your husband is having major financial problems thats why he wants you to take the burden. If you divorce him who is going to pay his bills? He will sink in debt!

    But I do no think that in any country your husband can just sign the company in your name without your approval or signature. Please discuss with the lawyer ASAP! I know in nearly all western countries the mother gets the house and kids, so he maybe just threatening you to make you feel weak and helpless so you stay in the marriage and pay his bills! Don't be scared stand your ground. And keep praying loads to Allah.

    Take your name off the company or any joint accounts ASAP. Photocopy all the agreements of his loans debts he has got. make sure he doesn't know of any of this. I am sure you can fight in court against him stating that these are his sole debts which you did not agree with and that he abused you in the marriage and spent money without your agreement and you want sole custody of the kids so you cant pay debts as you have to pay for the kids.

    I think from now on record his conversations of going bankrupt and putting everything in your name. I'm sure you can present this in court as evidence. Speak to the lawyer, he can give you advice on the right course of action to take.

    I pray everything works out for you and your kids.

  62. Salam Sister Noha,
    I may respond in more detail later, but I wanted to at least say that you should definitely take immediate steps to protect yourself financially. As I mentioned before, Texas is a community property state, and that may have some implications for you as far as your husband's debts. Specifically ask the lawyer what types of debts you would be responsible for in the event of a divorce and find out if there are any steps you can take to avoid being responsible for these debts. Personally I took out a student loan in another community property state (California), and the only reason my husband is not jointly responsible is because I took out the loan before we were married. If I had taken the loan out after marriage, then he would be jointly responsible. You thus have to find out and understand whether you are legally responsible for your husband's credit cards, loans, and other financial obligations, such as his business. Even if things improve for you and your husband and you stay married, it is just a good idea to get your finances in order so that you do not constantly have this hanging over your head.

  63. Sister Noha,

    I would just say that-

    please recall if you ever have signed any documents for him. who knows if he might have taken your signatures on documents which now can put you in trouble.

    Also please keep your documents in safe custody (may be at parents place or office. )

    if you are having any joint bank account or joint loan - any such thing, take yourself out of it.

    I just hope that you have opened your new bank account to keep your earning in safe manner (i would suggest not to keep any related doc at home, you can keep them at your parents place or in your office).

    Please do plan to pay off your due student loan.

  64. Assalamoalikum Noha ,

    i feel things can be solved .
    I understand one of the big concern from your side is about your husband's unnatural behavior about sex , please try/explore other right and exciting ways for intimacy and solve this issue .
    Life is little complex ..Don't go by other divorce people's advise .They will try to see everything from their situation and will advise you to take divorce without knowing the real facts ...

    You are an educated and independent women so solve your issues by own rather asking people on the forum .
    I have read from your post that you got thoughts of other men entering you and also fantasy of school principle and other male colleague . These bad fantasies might be because of bad read in news papers/magazines or because of watching porn stuff . So please try to look in to the deeper cause .

    Allah hafiz

    Allah hafiz

    • Salam sister or bro SM,

      I am the only one here who is divorced not the others advising Noha too. If you read all the responses I never advised her to divorce on the onset. I advised her to try different tactics to work out her marriage and change her husbands behavouir. After knowing the FULL FACTS are we now advising her that divorce may be the best option as her husband is continuing to abuse her. If someone doesn't want to change you cant change them no matter what you do! It takes to tango if one person desperately wants to fix the marriage but the other person isn't pulling his backside do you really think they can fix it. She has been tolerating it for 5 years! Yes i am divorced but that diesn't mean that I want everyone to join me and I will striaght away advise all sisters to divorce! Hell no! I know how hard it is and I don't want anyone to be in my situation!

      But if being married and tolerating an abusive husband in the hope that one day he will change is more self destructive and toxic then being single, then I would opt for being single. You have to weigh up the pros and cons in every situation. No where on the quran does it say that a eife must tolerate the husbands injustices and stay in the marriage. Allah has given us options to relieve ourselves from harm. So why stay in the fire when there is a out?

      Being educated doesn't mean that people can make the perfect decision. Everyone needs that moral support, advices, opinions. Alot of the time we are so emotional with our situation that we do not see things right in front of us. Other people can help us look at things practically in an unbias way. Even a judge or ruler has many aquantances to help him come to the right decision. Is he not educated?!

      So please if you have any original ideas to help the sister out in changing her abusive husband then knock yourself out, help her instead of being judgmental. : ))

      Allah Hafiz

      • Dear Sumaira ,

        Sorry if anything is harsh.These are just my views .

        I agree that a woman if she finds a real abusive husband should come out of marriage .But the term Abuse/harassment has different meaning for different people .

        Some times a man/woman speaking louder voice , talking straight forward might appear abuser/harasser to others and for others it might appear normal .

        Please note that most of time we speak harsh ,talk all nonsense in anger /frustration due to various reasons but we actually don't meant it .

        From about Noha's post what i understood is her husband is a good father and was good financial provider but has failed as a husband due to some reasons ..

        What i feel is he can still be good husband if he learns to keep her happy .If he spent some time in identifying what are things if he can do hat will make her happy lot of things will get improved .

        I feel from above posts that Noha is very emotional and sensitive woman who get hurt by her husband's current behavior but it seems he has not done it intentionally but has failed to handle the situation in a proper way .

        Please note that regarding SEX most of the men are quite dirty and do things which women won't like .Its better for the women to stop at the same time and shows displeasure and stop the act at the same time . I am sure he wont do it again . Men and women look at it in different ways ......Most of women want to get love from SEX and most of men want to get SEX out of Love ....

        Dear Noha,
        I didn't meant you have read bad material to get those thoughts but just put one point .Sorry if it was harsh .

  65. As-Salamu Alakium Sister Sumaira and Sister A and Sister Repenter Muslimah,

    Alhumdudilah I am fine this day. My husband last night told me he wanted to file for divorce. Long story short, my family came to our house and intervened for me as well as him. They mentioned the positive aspects of our marriage and what we must do to overcome emotional hurdles. I appreciate the help because after they left my husband told me he wanted to give our marriage one last try.

    I have mixed emotions because a BIG part of me wanted to end my marriage...However there is another part of me that wants to fight to stay in it for the sake of the children.

    My husband told me he was sorry for the emotional trauma he inflicted on me. I apologized to him for my disrespect. So that happened yesterday. So far so good. At this point, I am taking things day by day. I appreciate the advise from all the sisters on this forum. It left me questioning my marriage and made me more assertive to declaring my marital rights to my husband. So Alhumdudilah thank you Sumaira, A and Repenter Muslimah for sharing your experiences and opinions with myself.

    Thank you as well to Br. Mahmoud as well.

    I am quite offended by SM. I do not watch blue movies and can assure you that my thoughts of divorce do not stem from porn.

    May Allah bless the Muslim Ummah.

    Salaams

  66. Dear Sister,

    As-salam-alaikum,

    As the saying “being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” So just be happy what may come. Only God knows what will happen tomorrow but i just wish you all good luck. Be patient and careful to everything. i pray that insha-allah everything gets alright. All the best.

    Your Sister

  67. As-salamu Alaykum, Sr. Noha,
    Your update is very uplifting and brought much happiness to my heart. As you probably know, it is a sunnah to have family intervention before a divorce takes place, and it is really amazing how following the sunnah leads to positive outcomes. Trying again for the sake of the children is a noble thing, and I pray that Allah SWT increases the blessings in your marriage and makes it possible for you and your husband to leave the past behind and not dwell on any unpleasant incidents that have taken place during the course of your relationship. As painful as this has all been, it may be that you both needed this blow-up in order to have a better, more meaningful relationship in the future. Crisis often brings people closer together and makes them more aware of what they mean to each other. It honestly sounds like you guys are on the way to good things, Insha'Allah.

  68. As-Salamu Alakium

    So haven't been online a while because I've been so busy trying to repair my fragile marriage. Needless to say, my husband and I have separated. He is currently staying in a hotel. I am at home with the four children. My husband told me that I need to work on my weight because through out the years I let myself go. I am "no longer sexy" to him and "I never put on sexy lingerie and makeup" in the bedroom. My breathe also smells "bad" according to him. This is why (according to him) we have intimacy problems. 🙁

    I feel like I have been shot in my stomach. It hurts to hear such terrible words from a man who I've known for 10 years. I had 4 children by him, helped him expand his business (he owns a computer store), and graduate university as well as graduate school ( I have a Master degree). I am not trying to show-off but I feel like I have done ALOT Alhumdudilah in the span of those 10 years.

    Granted I did gain weight after the children but I am not fat. I am at most 20 pounds or 15 pounds over my normal body weight.

    I feel so ugly now and terrible. I have to work and almost called off.. But I have to keep a brave face for my 4 children.
    My husband last night wants me back (after those cruel things were said).

    HELP ME please or Advise me on how I should handle this situation! SIster Sumaira, RepenterMuslimah, A, WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I DO??

    I am SOO terribly CONFUSED, ANGRY, and HURTING.. Please someone advise me to a correct way in accordance with Islam.

    Salaams

  69. Dear Sister Noha,

    Walekum Salam,

    When i couldn't hear from you for some time, you were still there in my mind and i was hoping that things might be getting better but reading your latest post, i felt sad and sorry for you.

    Though I am not a scholar hence i cant say anything in light of Islam but if we consider brother Mahmud's response then things are very much clear. you can also ask about your situation and way out on site like Islamqa.com.

    Personally, i think that your husband is again emotionally abusing you. he is giving flimsy excuses to tear you apart emotionally so to fill you with guilt. So you feel yourself at fault and he can save himself from any blame. What kind of man will he be who firstly said cruel words to you and then wants you back!! I feel that he cannot stay in a hotel for long and that's why, he wants you (to take him back).

    dear sister, its not a time to feel low, if you have separated for whatever time (who knows when you husband will return), use this time to evaluate your situation and way out. Think of the finances. You can also contact some local scholar (not directly but through family or friend) to seek Islamic guidance in the matter.

    About your weight, its not a big deal as weight increase in normal and common after delivering four kids. I am unmarried but due to stress , i have gained weight. doctor told me that it has happened due to hormonal changes and stressful life in which i didn't care for proper diet or exercise. so weight gain can happen with anyone. "I feel so ugly now and terrible", why you have to feel this way , just because he said so to you. why his words matters to you when you know he is not a man of words.

    if you have any extra weight, take out time to lose that, not for sake of that man but for yourself, you need to stay fit to take care of your kids. you need to lose weight to prevent health issues like Diabetes,for Cardiovascular Health etc. Losing even modest amounts of weight can have a major impact on health and quality of your life. Exercise releases tension and stress. it makes you calm. So think of losing weight for your own betterment. and for God's sake, don't think of yourself ugly!! To me, to any common person, a mother with her kids is more beautiful than any super model.

    Be brave from inside at heart and mind. you have already gone through the worst. its not a time for crying or feeling terrible, sad or hurt. Stand up for yourself and your kids, consider Islamic guidance from all possible sources and take your steps in light of Islam and be practical too.

    Your Sister

  70. ASak ,

    It is really sad to know the current situation .I feel your he should not have used such strong words about the appearance as it is very sensitive for any woman.

    I agree with above comment that mother of 4 kids has lot of respect compare to any supermodel as people look at supermodel with lust but for any mother it is respectful look .

    Don't get demotivated .Be positive and face challenges of life positively .

    Allah hafiz

  71. As-Salamu Alakum Sister Repenter and Mahmoud-

    Shukrun Wa Jazak'Allah Khair for your advice and guidance to my issue. Sister I am at the end of my rope mentally. I spoke with my husband yesterday to ask him why he mentioned such horrible things. He told me "quit living in the past.." I am definitely going to file for a divorce as I can no longer continue with the emotional abuse and cruelty.

    He won't even apologize for hurting my feelings. The only thing he keeps telling me is "Well you hurt me too".

    He has some psychological issues that will burden me if I continue to stay married to him. His issues have already caused me much psychological damage.

    Both of you are correct. I have to stay strong both mentally and physically for my children.

    I cannot stand even looking at him. May Allah help me and guide me to do what is correct.

    Even if I took my husband back at this point things will never be the same. Thank you Sister and Br Mahmoud. May Allah bless you both

    Wa-Alakium as Salaam

  72. Salam Noha,

    Last time when I read that you were trying to mend things I was really hopeful for you that maybe this time your husband will see reason and things will work out for you both.

    I am really sad to hear that he has gone back to his abusive ways and in a matter of days!!

    Sister you really only have two choices, either live with him and tolerate the abuse. He will abuse you and then say sorry, Then you will take him back, then he will abuse you, then say sorry.........This will be your whole life!

    Or leave him for good and move on.

    The in between option of trying to change him which you are going through now is not giving you any results. This is only making things worse. Your husband does not believe your threats any more as you do not carry them through so he thinks you will never leave him and life will keep going like this.

    You need to be firm in your approach towards him. Being a ping pong ball will only give him a chance to abuse you further. He lacks any emotion for you. These type of men know how to put on their emotional voice when they want something and then later go back to their true colours.

    So do not fall for his tricks. You know what he is saying about your appearance is totally wrong. Your are a beautiful strong women. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. So take it in one ear and kick it out the other! Don't let yourself become weak and emotional because of this persons actions. You know what he is doing is wrong.

    So chin up. Be firm and strong. When you talk to him make sure you mean business. Take your emotions aside and be practical.

    As sister repenter said you need to be there for your kids. You need to be a good role model to them.

    Please sort your finances as soon as possible.

    Maybe arrange a meeting with the local imam to discuss your options now.

    Take care xxxx

  73. As-Salamu Alakium Sister Sumaira,

    Your advise to me is a great pick me up. Walahi I really appreciate it. I have been beating myself up lately because of the things my husband said to me two days ago. This morning I WAS so firm and told him it was over. He said "let's not go back and forth; it isn't over"! He doesn't even respect me enough to KNOW WHEN I MEAN the things I say.

    He furthermore laughed at me this morning and told me I was wrong to divorce him!

    May Allah help me. Sister I feel so low these days. The only thing keeping me moving are my children and my work. Alhumdudilah I am putting on a brave front for my kids. I cannot at this stage appear weak in front of them.

    The sad part about our separation is everyday I keep expecting the kids to ask me when their dad is coming home. They don't even ask.

    I will be speaking with an Imam inshaAllah

    Salaams Sisters and Br 🙂

  74. As-salam-alaikum

    Dear Sister Noha,

    I tried to help you by asking Brother Wael/ Brother Ali Yousuff to throw some light as per Holy Quran & Hadees in your matter. Given below the trail messages & link of the page. You can ask them too, apart from any local Imam.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/want-to-get-back-with-wife/

    you know I am also overcoming a past relationship. The given below words I had read on internet has become my life philosophy now.

    “After a while, you learn that you don’t need anyone else to survive. No one is ever going to always be there no matter what they promise you . you just gotta suck it up and accept it.”

    The only thing I add to the above thought is that its only Allah(swt) who never leaves us, who is always there for us. We often look for solace in one another but its actually only the almighty whom we should seek. If we have him with us, we have everything, we don’t have him with us, we having nothing.

    No matter what happens, keep your saleh regular and make lots of duas, it will not only calm and going, it will be your savior.

    Take Care,

    Your Sister

  75. Dear Sister Noha,

    As part of my process of having a NEW me. I have taken up this new name- Ray of Hope.
    Insha-allah i will be a better person as Muslim as an individual.

    Allah hafiz

  76. Asalmualaykum sister,

    I been following up with your story. At first, your problems seemed normal as me and my wife go through the same thing.

    But at this point, I think you should not keep thinking about the marriage and all this. Just live your life and try to better it in terms of ibadah. Just focus on your self and reconnect with Allah. Beg him for mercy in this life because he is giving you a hard time right now. See what we have to realize sometimes its not a specicfic person doing me wrong but it is Allah allowing it to happen to me.

    So the only one who is in control here, Ask Allah for Mercy , YA Rahim. The most merciful you are the only one who brings us hardship and the only one who can remove it please remove it from us.
    Trust me once you focus and your worship and stay calm, everything will cool down. Don't let shaytan win and laugh at you. Shaytaan wants you to divorce and see a broken family and go through hard times after that so that he can laugh at you, people will talk about you and all that. Be strong , have patience. There are many people going through much worse and they are trapped. So please just say ALhumdulilah and Beg for forgiveness and Mercy. Allah can make everything good and again. Lets beg and cry to him to make things good for us again.

  77. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you sister Repeanter and Sumuaira for your kind words and uplifting advise. My husband finally apologized for all the crap he has put me through. The apology was not genuine (my feeling) and it too way too long for him to deliver. I feel as though he apologized ONLY because he feels bad about HIS situation. He is the one staying alone in a hotel and missing the comforts of our home.

    I belted my heart out to him again yesterday and told him I was willing to let bygones be bygones. It is very tough for me to forget previous abuse especially since I've had to deal with sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse.

    He says "well you did such and such to me". .. When I mentioned how sad my heart was broken because of the separation.. He told me "well what do you think I feel..". When I told him that what we went through was not normal for any married couple he said "yes you did such and such and you won't let go". When I tell him that the kids are going to grow up with a single mom he says "well you did it to yourself".

    When I told him I wanted a divorce he said "do what you want. The ball is in your court".

    When I told him I was scared to divorce he says "its not a good thing. But you have to let go of the past".

    No matter WHAT I SAY EVERYTHING seems to be MY FAULT or MY ISSUE.

    My husband is like a shell now. He is mentally GONE. I don't say that because of the separation. I say this because it is true.

    He won't own up to his own faults. Now he won't own up and tell me how he feels about the separation and/or divorce.

    He is throwing EVERYTHING in my corner and telling me to do what I want. Seriously Brothers and Sisters does this seem like a husband who loves his wife and kids????

    Maybe I am missing something but does it seem like he cares enough about me and the Kids?

    I am meeting a lawyer sometime next week to file for dissolution. My husband is a living breathing shell with no emotions, feeling, thought, nothing is there.

    It is so sad to see.. He was so lively 5 years ago. Sometimes I think that his heart is sealed from emotion or understanding human feelings for a reason. But Alhum'Alim I don't want to speculate too much.

    I am so tired of this emotional and mental roller coaster. IT is a LOSE LOSE situation either way.

    If I take him back, he will continue to abuse me. Its quite obvious based on his lack of feeling anything for me during this trying time.

    If I divorce the children will lose seeing their father on a daily basis. Perhaps the divorce is the better option. Actually divorce is the better option. Who wants to live with a shell for a husband?

    Well I have to go to work but Shukrun to all of my Sisters Sumaira and Repenter Muslimah for their advise and kind words. Shukrun also to brother Mahmoud.

    Take care 🙂

    Masalaama

  78. As-salamu Alaykum,

    If I have any advice for you, Sister, it would be to involve your family again. Let them know what has happened and that your husband has violated whatever progress you made. Let your father speak to your husband candidly, man-to-man, explaining the consequences of future violations. If you are able to try again, you must lay down ground rules. You must not ever insult each other again or bring up the past. You must make a pact to love each other and create a positive home environment for your family. Just let each other be for a while and do not have heavy discussions.

    Sr. Noha, you must not allow your husband's insults to impact your self-esteem. It is obvious that he is lashing out due to the great upheaval that has taken place in your marriage over the past several months. It has nothing whatsoever to do with your weight, your looks, or his satisfaction with you as a wife. This is an obvious lie. Regardless of whose fault it is, he is suddenly faced with the prospect of losing his wife and children, and he is probably feeling very hopeless. This does not make it okay to insult you. Insults have no place in a marriage, which should be tranquil and safe.

    I understand that you may have decided to file for divorce, but I still pray things work out for you and that you and your husband find a way to live in harmony.

  79. Salam Sister Noha,

    Again you guys are back to square one. You still cannot make up your mind what to do. Why not take the middle ground?

    Sister A's advice is certainly worth a shot. You are really insecure about the future so why not try one more time. BUT not the same way. take a different approach to the situation. There is no point replaying the same record over and over again with him.

    At this point you know for sure that you will either try to work it out with him or divorce him. So why not play your cards right so that he does not leave you in a bad situation if it comes to divorce. You will also know his true motives whether he will change or not.

    Tell his parents exactly what's happening and exactly what he did to you. Get them on your side.

    Tell your parents to arrange a meeting with your family present. This meeting needs to be different from any other meetings. Prepare a document which details all the things you want your husband to do from now on to make the marriage work. E.g talk to you more,help with household chores, no abuse, name calling etc etc and most importantly sell the house and move into smaller property and pay off your student loan to get rid of riba! And see a specialist about his phisical problem.

    Tell your dad to read this out to him when he comes and meets your parents. Your father must be firm with him. You need to stop being emotional sister. That will not help you in any way. Be firm and striaght with him. Don't winge or cry or say "you did this you did that" Don't argue or bring up the past.

    Just say" I do not want to talk about the past I want to talk about how we can move forward. I heard many empty promises from you, I do not want to hear any more. If you wish to stay in this marriage then you must prove that you are changing by your actions!". Be firm and to the point. If he starts blaming you then tell him firmly "we are here to talk about the future not the past" Tell your father to stop him firmly.

    Try to get him to sell the house and pay off your loan BY HIM so that if you divorce you are not left with a financial burden.

    You can have a separation for a few months and see how you feel and how you manage. But that does not mean that you jump into his arms when he says sorry. No! you need to asses the situation and see if he has done any of the things you have asked him to do and how much effort he is making. You need to be strong and stick to your plan. Do not let any of his words effect you. They do not matter. He is just saying all these things to make you feel miserable and upset. Don't let him win! Keep a straight face do not show him your insecurities. He is laughing at you sister because you are telling him that you can't survive without him!

    Do not dry to him. Cry to Allah. And make ishtikara before you take any decision. Tell him that if you feel that he will not change then you will leave him for good and you CAN and WILL live by yourself as a single mum, which is better then living with an abusive husband anyday. And you are not worried because Allah will take care of you.

    Inshallah I pray everything works out for you sister.

  80. Salam again, Noha,
    Somehow I did not see your last comment before I posted mine. Sister, the ONLY way is to let go of the past. I know it is hard. I know you want your husband to acknowledge the pain. Right now, though, it seems he is not capable right now of doing it in the way you want. Most likely he is feeling very bad and very hopeless, but you can't expect him to say this. Most men just will not say such things. It's not the way they work. Of course there are exceptions, but men show their feelings differently than we do.

    Sister, imagine the tables were reversed and he came to you telling you he was not happy in the marriage. Imagine that you thought you had a good marriage, and how hard it would be to hear that your husband was not happy like you thought he was. What would you do? What would you say? You would be hurt, you would be angry, you would be going out of your mind. You might say and do strange things. But if your husband kept insisting on divorce, there would be very little that you could actually do to change his mind. This is the position your husband is in right now. He wants to change your mind, but he doesn't know how. Give him a way out, Sister...a way that allows him some dignity and puts the past behind you both. I know you feel you will be losing out by doing this, Sister, but I am almost sure that the key to everything is in your hands. Once you back off, he will back off, too. You guys have discussed all the issues, and he knows how you feel, so just let it go and live together in peace. It is very unlikely that he will continue to do the things that bother you.

    I like what Sudany said above. You need to take your focus off these problems and focus on other things for a while. Believe me, Noha, anyone in any marriage, even if it is a happy one, can go and mess things up with a few careless words and insults. This is exactly how Shaytan gets between spouses and makes them hate and distrust each other. Ask your husband what he wants at this point and see if you can reasonably accommodate him. I hate that he hurt you, and I hate that you have been suffering for so long. But perhaps there is a path back to understanding that will allow you to rebuild your life together. I pray this is the case and ask that Allah SWT give you strength in the coming days and weeks.

    • You are essentially telling her to keep suffering endlessly until he finally changes for the better and to make excuses for him constantly.

      Perhaps if this goes on 5, 10 more years you would still be saying the same thing.

      • You have your perspective, and I have mine. We are not in competition over whose advice Sr. Noha will follow. She has to think for herself and do what she feels is best for her and her family. Even if she ultimately seeks divorce, however, you should not feel a sense of triumph. Even when divorce is 100% necessary (as it sometimes is), it is not something to rejoice over. Divorce is a very sad thing for everyone involved. Divorce is always there as a last resort. It will still be there one year from now and two years from now. Remember that you are 19 and haven't been married yet. My oldest son is also 19, which makes me old enough to be your mother. Please keep that in mind in future responses.

        • True. I have a mother who is going through something similar(I'd say, worse) however. I don't feel any "triumph" either way. I'm not a fan of divorce and if you read my latest responses, I told her to do istikakharah(whether or not she should divorce) and to also be in the financial/legal position where she can divorce. If you read my earlier response, you'll see I tried to help her better herself. But looking at this horror story, I can't see why you are still telling her to suffer again and again when the man keeps saying he will be better and then reverses. My mother had to go through a severer version of that.

          Now, if my mother gets the divorce she is eagerly hoping for, I know it will not be a sad thing. It will be a relief and a mercy from Allah because I wont have to see my mother needlessly suffer anymore.

  81. Asalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister Noha,

    I feel that your relationship wasn’t properly rooted and lack compatibility, in initial years you do not realize anything being on ‘honeymoon period’ but over time COMPATIBILITY matters in a relationship. Apart from compatibility, its RESPECT and TRUST are the ingredients require for a successful marriage. If any of it go missing or you realize it never exist but you could not foresee, then you lose that loving feeing and such relationship becomes a burden somewhere. You try to ignore, you try to adjust but eventually, life and reality come calling. There are certain expectations from the partner and when they do not meet, it causes arguments, frustration and sadness. Your husband has given you everything except EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL RESPECT. You have been so abused emotionally that you feel “I’m not into this relationship anymore.” I would like to say that no one is perfect, you might have also made some mistakes, may out of frustration or in anger. Such things widen the gap. FINANCE is another very important aspect between married couple. The fact that he is a spender and you’re a saver. All such significant differences started to matter to you and on top of that, whenever and whatever ways, he promise to improve, turn out to be empty promises at the end.

    I want to say one thing based on my personal experience and as seen around, the problems you are having are universal in one way or other, it depends on an individual how she reacts/deals with it. Sometimes, in name of love, we let our husbands overrule us, take us for granted , actually we spoil them and when things get too messy then we realize that we are not even able to breathe in the relationship and then when you try to raise your voice, it offends the husbands and they simply don’t digest it and do not accept it all , like you husband denies. Trust me, it happens.

    Sister Sumaira has given a good advise, I would second her. If you decide to give it one more chance or divorce but whatever you do, first you need to overcome insecurities you have within, heal yourself from your past rejections & abuse, in short, you need to normalize your state of mind first so you could take better control of your situation. Don’t be blinded by past that you self- sabotage your relationship while giving it a chance (if you decide so). Try to be normal & balanced & do not think negative about yourself. Seek Allah(swt), make lots of duas and decide your course of action. Make a plan and stick to it. Involve your parents and I reiterate his family too.

    Now you need to shift your focus from the problems to the best remedies, in the best interest of everyone.

    Your Sister (A Repenter Muslimah)

  82. As-Salamu Alakiium Ray of Hope-

    Salaams Sister and thank you for these words of wisdom. Indeed in the early stages of our marriage, we hit the ground running. I knew my husband for only 3 months before marriage. As soon as we married, I got pregnant within 7 months of marriage. Literally we had a family very fast. My husband's time was spent investing in growing his business. My time was spent in caring for my two babies (i had a toddler and a new born) . At the same time, I was completing my degree in university and taking care of our home. We did not have the time to get to know one another very well. We often had fights, arguments, and disagreements DAILY. I took it to mean we were getting to know one another but reflecting back, I realize we were not compatible to begin with.

    Right now we are giving our marriage one last chance. He has moved back to the home and has been treating me very well. He is helping with the kids, and cleaning the home. He has even told me we will sell our home and he would help pay off some of my student debt.

    Time will tell if we can make the marriage work. Right now I have forgiven him for the things in the past and he has forgiven me for things in the past. We are starting over with a clean slate. Only time will tell where it leads. Insha'Allah I am praying for the best.

    I am investing more time into my children and at work. I am trying to not think to much about the past and what could have been,should have been...

    So InshAllah we will both see. Thank you sister Repenter Muslimah . I am trying to think positive thoughts about myself. I am also keeping a bit of distance right now from family because sometimes family can make a situation worse (not deliberately) without meaning to.

    Make Du'aa for me sister. may Allah bless you plentiful Amen.

    Sister Noha

  83. As-salam-alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    As you have called it;strong>last chance,i would recommend to do it forgetting past ( lock up past things somewhere in your heart for time being )and reciprocate positively to his efforts. you should be genuine by heart and soul in reciprocating. keep your anger in check, do not react much unnecessarily and do not bring past inbetween. Insha-allah i hope that things might get better. It takes time and it will take time to rebuild relationship but yes, selling off house and paying off your student loan should be done as soon as possible. so make it happen at the earliest.

    i would also recommend that you should take up some exercise at home or join gym to keep yourself fit physically as well as mentally.

    Its Eid ul Adha time, seek spiritual comfort and guidance from Allah(Swt). Share about it with your kids.
    I wish you both good luck. i hope and pray to almighty that finally may things work out for both of you.

    Aameen.

    Your Sister - A Ray of Hope

    The past is like using your rear-view mirror in the car,
    it's good to glance back and see how far you've come,
    but if you stare too long
    you'll miss what's right in front of you.

  84. “Aaj Khuda ki hum par ho Meharbani,
    Karde maf hum logo ki sari Nafarmani,
    Eid K din aj aao mil k karain yeh hi wada,
    Khuda ki hi rahon main hum chalain gay sada.
    Sare Musalmanon ko “EID UL ADHA MUBARAK.”

    Dear Sister,

    On the holy & pious occasion of Eid-ul-Adha may the blessings of Allah (swt) upon you & your family throughout the life with happiness & open all the doors of success & happiness for you. Aameen

    Your Sister

  85. As-Salamu Alakium Sr Ray of Hope

    Jazaka'Allah Khair for these words of wisdom. Eid Mubarak to you and your family! May Allah Bless you and your family with many blessings. Amen 🙂

    I am going to stay positive and fit (both physically and mentally) for the sake of my children. We had a small argument last night and today (Subhan'Allah) but I have brushed it aside and am going to look forward.

    We are going to sell our home soon InshAllah.

    Thank you so very much my Sister

  86. Dear Sister

    Walekum Salam

    Hope you had a great eid ul adha.

    ignore small arguments and fights to your best. keep yourself cool.

    Insha-allah all will be fine. aameen

    Take care and keep posted

    Allah hafiz

  87. As-Salamu Alakium,

    Hope all of you Sr. Sumaira,Sr. Ray of Hope, Br. Mahmoud, and Sister A had a wonderful and blessed Eid Al Adha! Alhumdudilah our Eid went well.

    Needless to say, my husband and I are back to arguing. My husband has done very well for the past 3 weeks. We just had an argument today though, and he has left the house and I don't know where he went or when he's coming back home.

    We had another blow-up about the house and fiances. He told me he wants to sell the home (after we spent 5 month arguing about it) and go back to renting a condo or town home. I told him I was ok with this decision.
    He then said yesterday that he doesn't want to move until 5 years from now. I asked him renting and he said, ok we will rent.

    Our argument only got worse when my son yelled at me (my husband heard it) and he didn't react. I told my son what he did was wrong. After speaking with my son, I asked my husband why he didn't reprimand our son as soon as he heard him yell. First my husband told me "he heard him" then he said "he didn't hear it". The he said "he heard him yell at me, but why didn't I tell him to discipline our son?" ??
    So we had an argument about discipline. I feel we are NOT on the same page when it comes to disciplining the children.

    My husband feels like we are. He thinks he is a strict father. But this is not TRUE.

    If he was a great disciplinarian, do you think he would watch his children jump up and down on our living room furniture and coffee table? He watches them and won't tell them to stop.

    I am always the one disciplining the kids. As a result of my frustration, I tend to yell at them when I catch them misbehaving because I know my husband will not do it.

    That terrible thought of divorce has once again crept back into my mind. All I want to do is just leave him and find a man who is more attentive to the needs of his wife and kids. Perhaps I am day dreaming and these men do not exist.

    My husband tells me all the time that I am a big day dreamer and that I live in a fantasy world. Maybe he is right. Maybe it is not the role of a father to be attentive to children and take an interest in the things their kids are doing.

    Maybe a husband isn't attentive to his wife at all. Perhaps I am being so foolish to think that there are men who pay attention to their wives and care about their wives well-being.

    My husband has gotten better to an extent. He isn't criticizing me all the time. The criticism has stopped. However the thing that has replaced his criticism is avoidance. He thinks by avoiding me he is doing me a favor and helping to repair the marriage.

    Avoidance is actually making it worse. We never talk anymore. He comes home from work, eat, says hello to the kids, chats with me briefly, then plops himself either in front of the television or computer until it is time to go to bed.

    Perhaps all men do this and I am just expecting too much. Please make du'aa for me. I feel very confused once again now.

    I want to leave him so bad but I am afraid that my children will suffer. Insha'Allah I will be ok. Ray of Hope and Sumaira have given me great advice and resolve to move forward. I just need to stay positive.
    Insha'Allah.

    Salaams

    • walaykumusalam wa rahmatuullahi wa barakatuh

      You simply cannot flip from one extreme to another. Allah commands adl. Balance is necessary. If you expect him to be instantly better, you are going to another extreme.

      Take the good from all of our advice and make dua. All of us agree you need to get your finances in order. You need to pay of your own loans. Do not spend money on him until you have taken care of your own loans.

      Whatever you do, keep your options open like this.

      My father also barely disciplined. It was my mother who did the disciplining, the talking to me, etc. Sometimes it's the way it is. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps your husband is incompetent at this, and so you need to be the one to set the rules. Sometimes, one parent fulfills a role more than the other. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and so we need to portion tasks correctly. That's my own take.

      However, he seems to have the flip-flopping traits of a munafiq. That is something to watch out for......

      I think it's a good sign(for yourself, whether this marriage survives or not) that you forgave him for the past abuses. This is better for you in this life and the akhirah.

      My own parents recently did the cold "not talking to each other" thing. I think it's been about two years and it is good(it's entirely onesided, my mom has done more than enough, I can't even go through the details.....but none of it is her fault.)

      A cold silence is better than constant argumentation. At least from a kids perspective. I recently moved out,(I recently entered adulthood) and I can tell you this was better than when they argued and were tensed up. Even my sister seems to be better off. So although you may see that as worse than argumentation, I see it as better, at least for the kids.

  88. As-salam-alaikum

    Dear Sister Noha,

    Its an eternal fact that things cannot change into good overnight, it will take time. Don’t expect him and everything to get better this easily. Have you not realized well that arguments and anger will lead you or this marriage nowhere?!!!!

    You and your husband are having a sea-saw type relationship so far, the problems between both of you has and will affect your kids in one way or other. For example, disciplining the kids, generally its father who maintains the discipline and punishment thing because mother being emotional and out of love, often protects and forgives easily. From childhood, kids fear their father being masculine and often take their mother for granted knowing her love and care for them.

    No doubts, almost every kids behaves this way as you said “jump up and down on our living room furniture and coffee table” . I have done this in my childhood…every kid does this sometimes in their childhood…but yes, they should be stopped from doing this but if father does not do that, no doubt, this will make kids get more naughty and in future they would not pay any heed to the warning or punishments given by parents. No doubt, your husband is wrong if he watches them and dont tell them to stop. But I feel that you should not merely depend on him, no one (be it your kids) has right to yell at you or misbehave with you for no valid reasons. .You should show a strict face to your kids for their misbehave and should punish them appropriately so they should not start to take you for granted. You should make them to respect you. Merely looking at your husband or asking him to take action wont help. You should take the initiative if he does not. You should stop your kids from misbehaving with their father as well(if it happens). You can make a planned routine time table for them and make them to stick to that so that they remain busy. Talk to your kids and tell them about harmful effects of playing such way or how hurt you feel when they do such thing, also enlighten them about Islamic perspective about duties of kids towards their parents and how kids should behave with their parents. If they or any of them shows improvement, praise them. I feel that giving birth is easier than raising the child. It takes a lot. So don’t feel frustrated over it. Its normal and it happens around us. you must realise this that tomorrow if you divorce (god forbid) then you have to raise them all alone being single parent, your husband wont be around for any help. so think from this point as well.

    I don’t know why your husband does not stop them, it could be like he is not strict father, it could be like that he does not realize that today if your child is yelling at his mother, tomorrow he can yell at his father too…it could be like that by not saying anyting to kids, he wants them to be his side, it could be like he somewhere enjoyed when your child yelled at you. Only god knows whats the actual reasons behind his being this way. but you must continue to love and disclipline your kids to your best. But yes, here you must keep one thing in mind that if you have to yell at your kids or if have to punish them, it should not be done in frustration or in anger you get due to your husband. Also when you have to show your anger and dislike over anything to your kids, your behavior and words should be appropriate and balanced. If you want to stop kids from something bad (misbehave/yelling/dirty language) you must ensure not to do the same ever in any way. I hope you are getting what I am trying to say.

    Only Allah(Swt) knows what will happen tomorrow (divorce or marriage will be saved)but need of the hour is 1. You must save all your earning and do not spend on your husband and his needs 2. You must pay off your student loan at the earliest. You must do this considering that your husband has again changed his mind about selling off house.

    No one is perfect and you cannot change others but yourself. You have to accept certain things and have to avoid certain things in order to save this marriage. As I have seen around most of men are like this way only, but it depends wholly on you, what good you can see in him and what you can ignore, where you can adjust or adept, where you cant. It’s a bitter fact of this world that mostly things are far way from ideal when it comes to reality but one has to adjust and adept to survive. Life and people can never be perfect nor they can be just like how we wish or wanted.

    when you are on giving it last chance then do not think of divorce at this juncture else it will ruin your/his efforts put so far. Marriage is like a bed of roses, if you have roses, you would have thorns too.

    Think of everything with a cool head and put your hopes in Allah (Swt).

    Your Sister

  89. As-Salamu Alakium

    Thank you Br. Mahmoud for your advise.

    It is better to be silent than to argue constantly. The only problem with me is when we are silent I feel like I am suffering. I am a type of person who needs to talk problems through.. I'm not good at pretending the problems do not exist. When keeping silent, the problems are still there and it does not go away just like that.

    Last night when the children went to bed, I approached him because I wanted to talk. He told me to go away... as usual I persisted. Finally as we are talking about what happened earlier (his lack of discipline), he told me that this issue was not really what I wanted to talk about and that I was hiding something from him.

    I told him what could I be hiding? He told me I was hiding something and if I wanted to leave him then go ahead. He further told me I was pathetic and pitiful. He also told me that he CHANGED HIS MIND and WAS NOT GOING to sell the home. He told me the "only way to sell the home would be if I divorced him"?!

    Can you BELIEVE this Br Mahmoud? SUbhan'Allah! I could not believe he said that!

    So right now I have decided to go ahead and file divorce papers.
    I cannot be told "I will help and sell the home" then the next day, "No I will never sell the home". "I am pathetic", "I am pitiful".

    Brother I endured alot of emotional turmoil for the past 6 months. Alhumdudidlah. I cannot say he was all bad. Alhumdudilah he is a GREAT dad and good provider for our home. He runs any errand I send him on and is very good with spending his money on the household. But as a husband he isn't for me. We are not compatible at all. I am afraid that if I say in this relationship it will drive me crazy.

    I am already at the point where I feel my Iman is low. I need to get away from him.

    Alhumdudilah for everything though. Make Du'aa for me Br. Mahmoud. Pleas emakes lots of Du'aa for me and my kids. Amen

    Salaams

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      I will make dua for you, and you know your situation better than I do. I would suggest, before filing for divorce, that you do Salat ul Istikharah.

      I hope all of us have thoroughly drilled this bit of advice into your brain, in different wording:

      "Only Allah(Swt) knows what will happen tomorrow (divorce or marriage will be saved)but need of the hour is 1. You must save all your earning and do not spend on your husband and his needs 2. You must pay off your student loan at the earliest. You must do this considering that your husband has again changed his mind about selling off house."

      Once again,

      Imam Ahmad recorded that Hudhayfah said that the Prophet sallahualayhiwasalam said,
      «لَا يَنْبَغِي لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يُذِلَّ نَفْسَه»
      (It is not required of the Muslim that he humiliate himself.) They said, `How does one humiliate himself'' he said;
      «يَتَعَرَّضُ مِنَ الْبَلَاءِ لِمَا لَا يُطِيق»
      (He takes on trials that he is not capable of enduring. ) This was recorded by At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah, and At-Tirmidhi said, "This Hadith is Hasan Sahih Gharib.''

      وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا
      And whoever fears(maintains taqwa of) Allah - He will make for him a way out
      وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ
      And will provide for him from where he does not expect

      Imam Ibn Rajab said: "Taqwa means that a person should make a fence between himself and that which is harmful. Taqwa (fear) of Allah means that a person should make a fence between himself and between Allah's Punishment, anger and displeasure by doing all that He has ordered and abstaining from all that He has forbidden". [Jami al-uloom wa al-Hikam].

      Ibn Kathir said: The root meaning of Taqwa is to avoid what one dislikes. It was reported that `Umar bin Al-Khattab asked Ubayy bin Ka`b about Taqwa. Ubayy said, "Have you ever walked on a path that has thorns on it'' `Umar said, "Yes.'' Ubayy said, "What did you do then'' He said, "I rolled up my sleeves and struggled.'' Ubayy said, "That is Taqwa.''

    • Assalamu Alaykum dear sister,
      You mentioned that you feel like giving up, but you are clearly still in the marriage, so does that mean you are not ready to let the marriage go? Try to analyze his behavior, why does he behave the way he does? Talk to him about his feelings and ask him why he is so defensive and angry. Communicate with him in a calm and non-confrontational way. Try not to call him names or lose your temper. When you feel your anger rising, walk away.

      Before going through with the divorce, I think you should try out all the available options first in order to figure out if there is a way the marriage could work. The reason why I’m advising you to try to reconcile is because you seem to still want the marriage to work. Because if you truly felt the marriage was unbearable, you would have left him already. Give him an ultimatum, tell him you are willing to make things work as long as he is willing to get help and fix the problems in your marriage. If you do not see any improvement, then it is up to you whether you choose to remain in an unhappy marriage or leave. It is not fair on yourself or your husband to be in a marriage you hate, so either try to work it out or let him go. Ask Allah for guidance and help. Perform salat ul Istikhara. May Allah ease your burdens ameen.

  90. As-Salamu Alakium Ray of Hope-

    Thank you so much Sister for this advise. Life is like a bed of roses it comes with the rose as well as thorns Masha'Allah that was very well stated.

    I don't know sister. It is getting bad lately. I cannot take his name calling.. Subhan'Allah I probably won't divorce. I have alot of bills to pay and I must think about my children's well fare. Insha'Allah Allah is the best of Providers. As long as I place my trust in Allah I will be fine. Allah knows the better.

    Br. Mahmoud-

    Thank you for your piece of advice. I must keep Taqwa in my heart and just rely on Allah Most High. Insha'Allah. I will be fine.

    Shukrun for all of your advice Br and Sister. Talk to you soon! 🙂 Masalama

  91. Walekum salam Dear Sister

    " probably won't divorce. I have alot of bills to pay and I must think about my children's well fare"

    this is your practical thinking as well as it shows that you are somewhere not willing/ready to divorce inspite of feeling that way. I had always hoped and wanted that this marriage be saved but i can merely pray and hope. but one thing is for sure, even if you decide to divorce him but you must not haste in this decision. divorce is not easy neither emotionally nor financially. Perform salat ul Istikhara for any decision that you have to take.

    Recite - Hasbunallahu Wa Nimal Wakeel (Allah (alone) is Sufficient for us, and what an Excellent Guardian He is! He is the Best Disposar of affairs!)

    don't let circumstances low your emaan. By putting one’s complete Trust in Allah, by leaving matters unto Him, by seeking only His grace and mercy, by accepting His decree, by submitting to His Will – a Muslim can equip oneself to face the challenges of life.

    about this marriage, with a cool head, think of the entire situation and way out. check pro and cons of divorce and staying in the marriage, evaluate your capability if you can meet the requirements based on what you choose, list the good in the marriage and good in your husband and compare with what you find missing in this marriage or in him. think of remedies if there can be any, to fix the problem. my point is that you should be careful in your decision. if you just decide to divorce him but later you find yourself weak emotionally and financially then your life will be worse and of your kids too, in case of divorce, your kids will wholly depend on you. you must think practically when it comes to divorce. As you said that you have many bills to pay apart from student loan then i dont think just rushing for divorce will be a safe option as of now. please think carefully not to complicate your life yourself.

    I don’t know why but still somewhere I feel that if leave sexual harassment then there is nothing worse as such that cannot be fixed. Name calling happens in every relationship. You feel hurt because he has called you names but if you recall you too have done the same in the past. Remember, a man’s ego is always higher than woman. I am sorry for saying the above but its like everyone has different approach in life and feel differently. May be its not a big issue for me but is for you. It happens.

    Based on my learning of this world, I feel that marriage is about adjustments, ignoring certain things, letting go certain things – no matter what how compatible/in love you are with your partner. Tiff and fight do take place in marriage. A point does come in marriage when one feels that the partner is no longer the same or is different from what he/she thought would be. When expectations are not met then it turns into arguments and clashes, then to fight then to cold silence. Both live in the same house, share same bed, even talk for necessary things but actually felt within getting far and far from each other, may physically near but emotional distance increases slowly, sometimes you start feeling like that there is no way back, a thought start developing within that things will not change for better, you just feel like to get rid of this life (marriage). At this juncture, as an individual you need to decide what you can do about the situation. If you feel like to give up, you can. If you feel like to restore the harmony and love, you can at least try for the same but for that you once again have to make adjustment, ignoring certain things, letting go certain things, changing your expectations. But this is where one has to choose and decide accordingly. In short, Looking for ‘soul mate’ in your partner is nothing but just a mirage. In short, what you expect from your husband, you should first give the same to him and you should keep in mind that everyone has different ideology, taste and interest, in short a different personality, how you adjust and adept is what shape the future of the relationship. Sometimes problems or issues are not that big but we stretch them to the extent that we sink ourselves into it. Think about it.

    You said that you emaan is getting low due to all this what happening around you but you must remind yourself that Allah (Swt) has said that “"Verily Allah does not change men’s condition unless they change their inner selves" (Quran 13: 11)”. So if you remain sad and negative then how could things would change. I<strong>ts is rightly said that “Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.” And ““You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” And ” To be upset over what you don’t have is to waste what you do have.”

    Your Sister

  92. PS-

    Its bitter reality that even in the best relationships, you can sometimes feel alone, neglected or taken for granted. Such sense of separateness is inescapable. You should put your best efforts to transform this relationship from a damaged, unhappy state, into one of reciprocal cooperation, acceptance, recognition and love. A sincere efforts may work or not (only god knows and time will tell ) but at least it will save you from feeling guilty in future that you didn’t try or didn’t try properly.

    You said “ I cannot say he was all bad”. “he is a GREAT dad and good provider for our home.” “ But as a husband he isn't for me”. If he is not compatible, instead of feeling crazy, have you thought of or tried to adjust yourself and your expectations to be compatible as long as if he respects you (no sexual impose, no name calling)? You must know that like you, he too would anxious and concerned somewhere (may he not show) about this relationship and he must have felt by now that divorce could take place any day anytime. He too could be feeling frustrated and that’s why he doubts that you are hiding something, it could be like that he is thinking that you are working for divorce, that soon you would leave him, it could be like that because of this thought, he might have changed his plan of selling off the house thinking that once the financial burdens get over (of both of you), you would eventually leave him…I am sorry if you do not like any of above statements….i am just predicting things from his point of view as well.

    When you have to decide about divorce, ask yourself that- if you are ready for the same? Are you ready to be a single parent? Are you strong enough so can survive without any support from your husband? Are you emotionally and financially strong enough to bear the responsibilities and expenses of yours and your kids all alone? Can you raise your kids at your own? Can you maintain balance between work and home with kids? Can you have alternate accommodation to shift with your kids? If you get most of answers as Yes, then only you should make up your mind for divorce. I am saying this because divorce taken in haste or out of momentary anger, not only it will close your doors for you islamically, but emotional and financial burden will drain you like anything.

    Only Allah (Swt) knows what will happen tomorrow but I would reiterate two things that you should do (it doesn’t matter whether to decide to divorce or remain in marriage)

    1. Maintain your finances. Paying off your student loan. Not spending your earning in home expenses but saving to your possible best.
    2. Learning and adapting yourself thoroughly to maintain balance between work and home. You can call it training yourself as single parent.

    Use your time in the best interest of yourself and kids than thinking negative or sad. Keep yourself busy and make lots of prayers to Allah(Swt) to make things easy for you.

    Your Sister

  93. I read on internet that to restore spousal relation, either husband or wife should recite the following Quranic verse 111 times on the bed and blow in the room.

    "fasayakfeekahumuLlah wa huwas Samee' ul Aleem"

    you can confirm this from your local mufti. i would request br mehmood to confirm this dua and you can recite the same.

  94. As-Salamu Alakium Sister,

    Thank you for this advise. The problem is I don't want to repair the relationship because I do not love him any more. My problems are deeper than financial issues, him name calling, and our differences in disciplining children.

    The problems are also intimate. I cannot have physical contact with him without cringing and feeling awful. I no longer want to be intimate with my husband. In my mind,. there has been so much mental and sexual abuse, that it is very very hard to come back to a sense of intimacy.

    Why did it take 5 years of sexual abuse, then my having to threat a divorce, then a separation, until he came to his senses and told me he would no longer sexually assault me??? I believe he is sincere in his promise, but the damage has already been done.

    I have no time nor the energy or the desire to seek marriage counseling or speak with an Imam. We spoke with an Imam before and my husband did not take ownership into what he did to me. He just sat there like a bump on the log.

    Furthermore the emotional abuse has not gone away. When I told him about his discipline, he told me "it wasn't about the discipline it was about something I am hiding" whatever that is suppose to mean.

    My husband last night asked me if I was "flirting with co-workers at work". Subhan'Allah. He degraded his wife to such a low opinion that instead of HIM recognizing that HE shares part of the blame for my DEPRESSION he is ONCE AGAIN BLAMING me by assuming MY CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR IS DUE TO ME FLIRTING WITH MEN AT MY WORKPLACE!

    He then told me to Swear to Allah I was not flirting with men!!!

    How am I suppose to take this? I have told this man countless of times that I AM DEPRESSED because of HIS actions. Walahi Sister I changed my actions. I am less argumentative and I was trying so hard two days ago to HUG him and get intimate. He pushed me away and he did not EAT my food. He didn't eat dinner last night and he didn't eat my dinner that I prepared the night before that.
    I

    On Sunday, I tried to reach out (even though it pains me to be intimate with him), He told me to give him some space and he pushed me away.

    Last night he tried to approach me I told him "NO.

    My husband is the type of man who does not want physical intimacy unless HE feels so. If he is not in a sexual mood, he does not want me to approach him.

    So given all of these emotional up-hills and down-hills, within a span of two weeks, this is why I want to divorce him,.

    Provisions come from Allah. I should not dwell too much on where I will get the extra money for my family. Allah knows best.

    Sister I appreciate your advise. However if I am trying to change, and my husband isn't ...Where does it leave me????

    Why should I be accused of cheating on him simply because he can't take responsibility for being the one who hurt me???

    Why???

    So now Noha is to blame for her own depression because Noha is "flirting with men at work".. Her pain could not possibly be because of him because "he hasn't done anything wrong".

    May Allah help me. Thank you Sister for your continued support

    Masalama

  95. As-salamu Alaykum,

    Sister, I seem to recall you mentioning somewhere above that your husband was aware you had posted on this website for advice. Perhaps he has read this page and saw the part where you said you had been interested in a co-worker. Just a thought, and I think you should ask him directly. If he has indeed read this post, then I think it is really important that you have a frank discussion so that he does not remain suspicious of your activities at work.

    Sister, you are going around in circles. If you cannot do counseling with your husband, perhaps it would help for you to go to counseling alone, although I strongly recommend that you seek out a practicing Muslim counselor who is familiar with cross-cultural relationships and understands the special characteristics of a Muslim marriage. A good counselor may be able to help you work through some of the negative baggage you are carrying around so that you can put the past behind you and move forward in your marriage. I emphasize that the person should be a practicing Muslim because it is sometimes difficult for non-Muslims to understand the dynamics that are present in Muslim families and cultures. What is normal to a Muslim is sometimes very foreign or odd to others, so you have to use caution in this regard.

    Noha, I think you are a very nice person, but I also feel that you do not give your husband space to breathe. You have just gotten back together after a huge blow-out and separation, and I think you should really just let him be for a while. Give yourselves some time to heal and go to back to normal. In the scheme of things, three weeks is a very short time, and you cannot expect things to suddenly be perfect. "Two steps forward, one step back" is a good way to look at it. If the general trend is positive, then you are on the right track, Insha'Allah.

    Allah SWT knows that you have stated your opinion regarding the house and financial issues so there is no sin on you for continuing to live in the house Insha'Allah. I am sure that your husband is going through a lot right now, wondering what is going to happen next in your relationship. Justified or not, your husband has been threatened repeatedly with the prospect of divorce, and he is probably considering how best to protect his interests as well, especially if he has read this page.

    Sister, as an outsider looking in, it feels like you are trying to solve each and every issue by bombarding your husband with demands. It seems like you expect immediate action on several issues at once. Sister, try to relax a bit and understand that some issues need a lifetime to work out. Kids, for example, do not come with an instruction manual, and it takes time to find your parenting style. Reading your posts, though, it feels like you are always angry and yelling, and I can tell you with near certainty that this will eventually backfire against you when it comes to your children.

    A big problem between you and your husband seems to be one of egos. You don't want to change because he has hurt you and doesn't (in your view) deserve it. But usually people's hearts soften when they see a change in attitude from the other person. One person always has to go first, even if it hurts your pride.

    This is all I can write right now. I pray it helps you or someone else going through a similar situation.

  96. as-salam-alaikum dear sister Noha,

    I agree with Sister A that it might be possible that your husband might have read this post of yours and his comment (your flirting with co-worker) resulted from it. i dont know if you put your post with your real name or if he can access this post through your computer? can you be sure about it?

    you said "I don't want to repair the relationship because I do not love him any more. My problems are deeper than financial issues, him name calling, and our differences in disciplining children." if so is the case then i dont think your or his putting any effort will not result positive because as it is said that you can't live a positive life with a negative mind. if you have become negative about this marriage that you do not want to repair the relationship then i hardly see any possibility in it.

    you said "Provisions come from Allah. I should not dwell too much on where I will get the extra money for my family. Allah knows best." Of course, everything comes from Allah(swt) but having said that, please consider the following hadees

    One day the Messenger of Allah (saws) noticed a 'bedouin' (desert Arab) leaving his camel without tying it and he asked the 'bedouin': "Why don't you tie down your camel?" The 'bedouin' answered, "I put my trust in Allah." The Prophet (saws) then said, "Tie your camel first, then put your trust in Allah"

    It implies that one should do absolutely everything possible in their striving to bring about their desired result putting trust in Allah. In your case, you should plan out and work to maintain your finances and should have an alternate accommodation to live, should make yourself emotionally and physically strong enough to face the challenges of future. To work and to strive is within the ability and the limits of man.....whether the striving is accepted or not, or whether the desired result is achieved or not is entirely in the Blessed Hands of the almighty.

    I would reiterate that no relationship is perfect nor human beings, we all have our flaws and faults. Life cannot be perfect ever. Sometimes we just see others' fault and we become blind to ours. This is what my personal philosophy of life. This is all I can write right now being at work. i will write again.

  97. "Sister I appreciate your advise. However if I am trying to change, and my husband isn't ...Where does it leave me????"

    i have already answered/pointed it out couple of times in my earlier responses as given below

    in future it will save you from feeling guilty that you didn’t let him try/you didn’t give him last chance/you didn’t reciprocate positively towards his changes etc…

    “at least it will save you from feeling guilty in future that you didn’t try or didn’t try properly.”

  98. Why should I be accused of cheating on him simply because he can't take responsibility for being the one who hurt me???

    Why???

    If he has read your post then its an obvious reaction from his end. You can’t imagine as a husband how much it will fury him irrespective of whether you really did or not, even if it was just your imagination , still a husband would not bear it.

  99. So now Noha is to blame for her own depression because Noha is "flirting with men at work".. Her pain could not possibly be because of him because "he hasn't done anything wrong".

    NO doubts that circumstances at your end has caused you anxiety and feeling dejected you have got into depression. You are self accusing inspite of knowing the fact which your husband doesn’t that you never meant to cheat on him as such. His thinking is wrong but when you know the reality, then why you are criticizing your own self- just because he said so. If you start accepting whatever your husband or anyone say about you then you wont be able to survive. Please understand that. I know it pains but you must accept the reality that only you and god knows the reality and that if your husband has read your post then it had to happened- that it was an obvious comment/blame/reaction from his side.

    Of course, your husband has his own flaws and faults but its human nature that when we get the opportunity to raise finger on other, we become blind to our faults and mistakes and we try to put the blame entirely on the other person. It happens with everyone and in every relationship. Only the level of criticism or nature of blames that differ.

    Please stop getting yourself sunk in sea of depression. Remind yourself that you are a mother whose kids need her. Your life is not just yours but of your kids too.

    At the end of the day, you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart or what’s holding you together.

  100. Listen carefully what I am going to say, it is based on my personal experience and as seen around. Normally, a person looks in his/her partner who would fulfill their emotional, sexual, and spiritual desires and this creates an extreme idealism that in turn leads to deep pessimism as you down the line you realize or feel that your spouse is not that good enough or no longer same. It generally happens after years of marriage for the simple reason that initial years are spent being on ‘honeymoon phase’. How a person in actual is only known when you start living with him/her. For some it takes days/weeks/months or years to know the other person. When we have an expectation from our partner to fulfill that, then we, without knowing or realizing actually set for ourselves disappointments because no human being can satisfy another human being. It’s like as you just can’t do everything that he wants you to, same is with him. Here is what one should do - don’t look at where your husband needs to change. Look to where you need to change in terms of adjusting or ignoring. One must check if their expectations are realistic or merely shadow of idealism. It is also matter of fact people and feeling change over period of times. Circumstances affect emotions and feelings and thus whole relationship. It cannot remain same as it is. No relationship can exist without having its ups and downs. I personally believe that its Respect and Trust that run a relationship, love generally vanish by passing years and marriage turns more like a responsibility and commitment. But if there is no respect nor trust then marriage ends right then. It’s me and my philosophy, everyone differ in their thinking, feeling or reacting.

    You know my parents who had arranged marriage remained together (alhamdulliah still are) but there have been times when they differed like anything, even fought badly (silently so we kids could not know) and didn’t talk to each other for days. Even today, they are together but my mother had certain expectations which my father could never fulfill and now when my father tried to fulfill those, it has no meaning to my mother now but they are still continuing together because both of them have not let shadow of those negativity overrule their relationship. My mother gave more value to his good side and chose to ignore his bad side.

    If you ultimately feel that your love for him has dried and you no longer wish to repair this marriage and wish to seek divorce then, to check if you have taken right decision, just ask yourself, you will know that you’ve made the right decision if there is peace in your heart ( no pain or regret or fear or anger).

Leave a Response