Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t feel anything for him anymore

Photos in a shoebox

"I found some photos in the closet"...

Assalaamoalaikum.. my problem is a bit complicated.. I am married for almost 9 years now and I have  a daughter of 4. This was an arranged marriage. At  the beginning, everything was ok till I noticed a couple of things like he was hiding something from me and sometimes it felt like he was lying to me.. and it didnt take long as I found some pictures of a girl in his closet.. when I asked about her he ignored me by saying that it was an old girlfriend of him... I didn´t say anything about it but then a couple of day later I found some greeting cards of the same lady  and a couple of card from an other lady, so I asked about the cards and his answer was that they were old cards and that he doesn´t have anything to do with him. So  I didn´t ask anything about them.

A month later I found out that he also did a paper marriage,  I talked to my mother about it  and she talked to my father about it  and my father told me to tell him to leave his paper marriage.. that if he has some problems with his papers then we will sort it out for him as I was a ***passport holder, so he finished everthing and started to push me to make his papers, (before our marrige he told us that he wasnt illegal) so I found out an other lie.

Anyways I never said anything to him and just did his work whatever he wanted I did, then 1 day he told me to come to the **because he knew someone in london who was able to make his papers,   so I told my father that I´m going to *** I told him that my husband wanted me to go,   so my father came with me  but we didn´t go to *** we came to ***... so my husband was angry with me .  My father wanted to find everything out about him... so thats why I went with him,  then my father told me to do it myself I should start work and apply for his papers myself,  so I started to work,  found a house made his papers and everything.

After a year my husband left  and went to ****...after a couple of moths I went  to see my husband  and found out that he belonged to a Shia family,  so another lie,  then when his sister came to see me I found out that he was engaged (the card that I found in his room) I still didn´t say anything to him.

When my father found out about it, he was a Shia my father told me to divorce him not only because he was a Shia but also because he felt that he was only married with me for papers and told me earlier as well to leave him  but I never wanted to. I thought I´m married now and that´s it.   I still did everything made his papers  and after a long 4 years finnaly he returned   but when he was here I didn´t feel anything for him anymore, I started to ignore him  and to work even more than before.. I was at work all the time.. so things changed he was living with my parents and my father does not talk to him so he wanted us to get out from there and take a sepparate house which we did and things started to get worse.

After 6 moths he get his 5 year residence when he got that he changed all of a certain his way of talking to me , coming home late and all those things..

In the meantime on my work I started to like somebody else which I could share my thing with  because he had almost the same problems as I had but then with his wife so he understood me and the other way around... now he has bought a business  and forced me to move there which I did . I left everything behind me I thought that this is the best way I should stay with my husband.. no matter what.. but I´m here now for almost 2 months and I just can´t get along with him.. I don´t like it here at all he is at work all the time he doesn´t has time for me and my daughter.. I just want to get out of here,.. and now realise that maybe I should have listen to my father.. and should have left him... because I don´t feel anything for him anymore.. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO... can u help me ..?

shall i leave him or shall i stay with him..?

whats the best thing to do for me.. can somebody do an istikhara for me..?


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister Humera,

    Your problem is really a complex one and needs to be given some good amount of thinking before I put forward any answer.

    Alright, so lets begin:

    1. Your husband:

    You said it was an arranged marriage. Then did your family thoroughly inquire about the guy before marrying you to him? If everything was alright before, then was it because he was pretending and being decent and good with you because he wanted you to do the papers? If he was Shia and did not tell you about it and also about his engagement, and you still continued to be with him, why Sister?

    All this suggests to me his malicious intentions. And in between now there is a child also which I hope does not suffer due to the problems between parents. My advice to you ig get down to a meeting with him: Tell him in clear language which he understands:
    1. That you and your child should be his top priority.
    2. Loving and caring for your child is what is his duty and he has to carry it out with utmost sincerity.
    3. You ready to forgive the past, but he has to gurantee you that he will not do any thing like it in future and not lie to you nor cheat you or betray and make Allah a surety over whatever he promises to you and your child.
    4. That you will gain the knowledge of Islam together and read Qur'an to gather be try to be better Muslims without indulging in the Shia Sunni debate.

    If he agrees to the above and acts in accordance to what he has promised, Masha Allah that would be good. But if he does not do so and continues to hurt you, then you have an option of divorce and Allah would compensate you with something better than this, Insha Allah.

    I am sure you have a caring father and it gives me lot of peace and comfort to know this.

    Divorce is the last option, when all peace process fails. THE LAST STEP to gain peace for yourself.

    As Allah says in Surah An Nisaa:

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.

    2. Not feeling anything for him

    Your not feeling anything towards your husband may have been greatly influenced by the entry of the other person in your life. Sister, I would like to make you aware that being a Muslim wife, no matter how bad your husband is, you should not let any friendship cultivate between you and any other non Mahram man. That is not acceptable in the Deen of Islam is not a good deed sister.

    If you want to try another relationship you have no option but to seek divorce as per the norms of Islam and once you have fulfilled them, only then you can start a valid relation with another man by means of "marriage".

    So seek Forgiveness of Allah Sister Humera, seek Forgiveness of Him, He is every ready to show Mercy.

    This man in your life, who shared his life's situation with you came in your life when there was already a communication gap between you and your husband. Remember that a woman is very delicate and emotionally when she is broken Shaytaan tries to beguile her and make her cling on to some "support" in the form of a man which she thinks is her comforter and understands her etc.

    Break any ties you have with any other man and make Allah be pleased with you. We are Muslims and we need to act like Muslims. If we do the same as people without Islam do, then what would be the difference between us and them?

    What difference would it make if we have Guidance of Allah or not if we do not apply in practice?

    What difference would it make if our Submission to Allah does not come to our use in tough times?

    Dear Sister,

    Life poses many problems and if and only if you cling on firmly to Allah, Insha Allah able to cope up with those problems, fight them and come out victorious.

    Turn to Allah for help. Serious advice is turn to Allah for Help.

    Regarding Istikhara this website has links above the page on how to pray.

    Istikhara is seeking Allah's Guidance and if you want guidance, you yourself have to seek it and someone else cannot seek it on your behalf.

    Ask Allah to guide you. Read lot of Qur'an.

    Insha Allah, keep checking better advices from other sisters and brothers and choose the best for yourself.

    But for now, turn to Allah and devote yourself with a complete devotion and turn to Him for help.


    * * *

    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. As salamu alaykum sister Humera,

    Thank you very much for sharing, when a person talks about their intimacy with other person that is not the spouse or a proffesional, you can hear on the air a terrible noise, something is being broken, there are certain aspects of our life we should keep just for the person involved and us, if we don´t do this, we begin to put distance with our spouse, because we have someone we trust more than them, we are opening the door of our Heart to someone different from Allah(swt), our spouse or a proffesional, in case we need this kind of help. This has consequences, this distance cools even more the marriage.

    Your story makes me sad, because I see a man and a woman, both of them unhappy and what makes me the saddest is how this can be affecting your little daughter.

    I would encourage you to work on your marriage, not for your daughter just because I think you two deserves a new opportunity, everything went wrong from the beginning.

    I see through your words, that your husband has been lying to you, maybe for fear that you didn´t think he was good enough for you, and he knows, he feels the way you look at him, the way you touch him, ...suffering all around, tears of blood, sister, a man has a different way to show their emotions, if they show them. I would give this man an opportunity to begin from cero and learn to love the man he is without the masks of all those lies, insha´Allah. But as always think I am giving you my personal opinion, take it with a pinch of salt.

    I acknowledge your suffering too, but I do believe not everything is dead between both of you, if not you shouldn´t be here, you have something inside of yourself that is still fighting for this marriage to function, insha´Allah.

    If you close yourself and look for excuses to hate him, you won´t find thousand, you will find millions, because all your being will concentrate on how bad he was, he is and he will be, you have this choice, but I would like you to look at it in other way, insha´Allah.

    You are living in other place, it is normal he is working all day, why don´t you look for a job or do something you always wanted to do or prepare a course or improve your skills, while you daughter is at school? You need something to do with your spare time, go to your mosque and try to get in contact with the families there, join a group to learn about your deen, there are so many things you can do if you open yourself, but as I told you before,it is up to you.

    If you decide to stay with your husband, there is something you need to do, but should be done even if you decide against, there must be peace between your father and him, they need to respect each other, he is the husband of his daughter and the father of his grandaughter, you should sit quietly with your father and talk about it, insha´Allah. You have the qualities to bring Peace, insha´Allah, always with Allah(swt) help and guidance to your family, your father loves you more than his own life the same with your daughter, with time looking at you acting straight and lovingly, he will be in Peace with your husband, insha´Allah.

    Related to you and your husband, sister, I am going to share with you something I think about arraged marriages, I told you at the begining about intimacy, when you marry you don´t know this man, but the first night you give your being to him and him to you, and from this time on, both of you have the opportunity to build up this bond building up intimacy between both of you, you didn´t have this, you don´t know still which are the honeys of married life, not even your husband, I would like you two to talk, with your Heart in your hand without fears or doubts or bitterness, be sweet, soft, warm, I would like you to see yourself the way I see you, I can appreciate a strong, willingness, straight woman you are and at the same time I see the vulnerable, soft, caring, loving, sensual side you have, sister share all of this with your husband and you will discover the best of him, go slowly, little by little, I am sure you will get it and you want regret it, Insha´Allah.

    Sister, give him time, but looking the woman you are and appreciating and respecting his values, you will be able to bring forward the shining Heart he has in himself, I do believe you can do it, insha´Allah. Little by little, you will be getting all the goals you will mark in your life, insha´Allah, I believe it deserves a try, insha´Allah. Always with the help and guidance of Allah(swt), insha´Allah.

    I want to share with you the following, I wrote it in other post but deserves to be brought to life again, insha´Allah:

    This is my personal opinion, then please, take it with a grain of salt.

    In this world every person affects to other, in the special case of a married couple you share an extremely intimate bond, you have chosen consciously to share your lives and this decision has consequences, what he does affects you and what you do affects him. Simple, but this is the way.

    If you put seeds on earth that are good for you, both of you will get benefit from it, the same if he does it, if the seeds you plant are not good it will affect him, too. Then when you care about yourself, you are sending a message I care about you, and when you care about him, you are sending a message, I care about me, the reverse functions the same.

    Then for me, the bond that is shared between husband and wife, it is not a bond of blood, but its depth I don´t think it can be calculated for a human mind.

    I will share with you a beautiful writing that brought tears to my eyes when I read it:

    On Marriage in Islam

    by Dr. Sherif Mohammed

    By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

    She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;

    When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

    The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

    The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72) Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

    But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured. "

    I hope you forgive me for this long post, to finish it, I would like to reconnect yourself with what is really important and this way everything around will flourish in the right way, insha´Allah. Your connection to Allah(swt), you know what to do, your salat, your duas, your recitations of the Quran, the Names and Attributes of our Almighty Lord(swt), recite them as a song and learn them with your daughter, make of your home a place of Love, Respect, Kindness, Mercy,... praying and praising Allah(swt), breath the air and feel Him(swt) in it, sister, you have all the blessings in your hand, Alhamdulillah, to get it ,insha´Allah.

    From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  3. Aoa! Humera u r a v lucky girl 2 have an understanding father u should have listen to your father but its never too late. Get divorced dont waste your life wd such a man ALLAH bless u n will open new n happy ways for you to live good INSHALLAH.

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