Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Dumped out of the Blue after 3 and a half years – will he ever speak to me again?

what is said at the end of a relationship can hurt, but can also heal

I am so stressed right now. I dated a Muslim man for 3 and a half years - I am Sikh, he is Muslim and married with children. Said he and his wife no longer have a physcial relationship. He left me 2 weeks ago out of the blue saying our relationship was immoral. He said some very hurtful things and accused me of being a Shaytan. He now will not speak to me at all. We didn't argue or anything - one day he was fine and 2 days later he totally changed and said he didn't care about me at all.

He always keeps all his fasts and I thought he was a good, kind person, but close to Ramadan I have seen him change completely - says he can't ever see or even speak to me again because it's wrong.  Said he had an epiphany and that he was normal before, but now he cannot be friends with any females.

What hurts the most is the way he just suddenly cut me off after 3 and a half years. I'm shocked that I helped him so much in life when he was in trouble with work and money and he suddenly just turned his back on me. We used to speak every day and now, suddenly - nothing.

It feels like he also used me for money because now he's saying my money was a fair exchange for his time - I can't understand why he would say this... although it feels like he used me because of the words that came out of his mouth, I'm struggling to come to terms that he could be so heartless and not care how much anxiety and pain this sudden change is causing me - I've never ever known him to be like this.

I've been thinking about his behaviour all day every day since he cut me off and feeling sad and depressed too. I've been thinking there might be something wrong with me as a person, that maybe I did something wrong without realising even though we didn't argue.  I thought we could at least be friends, but he won't listen at all.

Anyway, I know I have to let him go and if he wishes not to ever speak to me again, there's nothing I can do except try and respect his wishes wish him a happy life, even though it really hurts that he was very harsh and cruel with his words.

We are not young - I am 39 and he is 47.

Does the Muslim religion allow this kind of behaviour? I thought we are not supposed to ill-treat others and especially not repay kindness with cruelty.

Any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated - I feel I have lost my best friend.  I am really hurting inside and every day is a struggle. Never thought this guy of all people, could ever be like this towards me - it's a horrible feeling :-(.

Miss S.

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54 Responses »

  1. Miss S the fact of the matter is you was involved with a married man. You should have open your eyes what you both did was haraam against Islam. Another women taken for a ride with a man who used and took advantage regardless. I am very sorry for your pain, but you has a woman shouldn't have gotten involved with such a man, who promised you nothing but false promises. Maybe he realised his mistakes and seen good things in his wife that maybe made him realised this is haraam and i have to stop. I know this is hard but sometimes when people are going into the wrong path, and being guided just like that reality does hit and for your muslim man that's what happen he choosed his family FACT.

    Does sikh allow such behaviour? No it doesn't my point is regardless who you got involved with he was a married man and he guilt took over him to realised this behaviour or what he was doing was a major sin and haraam sins have consequences. Just dont give muslims a bad name they are not all like this filthy man you had, because decent men know how to treat a women its just a shameful act when men like this who used you give other muslims a bad name just makes my blood boil!!

    I hope you get through this and allow yourself to get over the heartache before you decide to get into another relationship.

    • Samina,

      Thanks for your comment.

      I would like to say that since my mum grew up in a Muslim country and has read the Qu'ran I am aware of Islam and it's teachings, perhaps not as much as a true Muslim.... however to use a woman, lie to her, take money from her no matter what religion is a disgusting act. I didn't tell lies unecessarily, nor did I use anyone for money or anything else. Granted he charmed me and I fell for it - so I am a sinner for that only.

      When he met me he told me he and his wife weren't getting along and he was sleeping on the floor - his brother substantiated this. My fault as a trusting human being for believing them both.

      No religion is better than another - it is humans and their actions that make the religions they supposedly follow look bad.

      Islam aside,at this moment in time, I'm angry at myself for trusting someone who was a liar, cheat and user and letting him be part of my life for three and a half whole years - I blame myself!

      By the way, he drinks alcohol and was also doing this the weekend before fasting began - if that's not being a hipocrite what is? I suggested to him that he should leave alcohol as well cutting relations with me moving forward and he mocked my recommendation...

      I have definitely learnt my lesson from this mistake - to protect myself and my feelings, I will never ever entertain a relationship with anyone Muslim ever again - no matter how charming.

      I will continue to pray every day as I have always done and treat others the way I expect them to treat me in the hope as always that my positive actions will be rewarded.

      Miss S

      • Miss S.

        Try to not be angry at yourself. We are all human. I agree on the many things you have stated. I did the same thing. I was charmed by a Muslim man. He most likely did not like the fact that you called him out on his drinking.

        Take Care,


        • Miss S and Miss Kalila143,

          I am sorry for what you have both been through. However, I feel that you are both throwing your anger in the wrong direction. What happened to you was not because you were dating Muslim men. It is more likely because you made bad choices to start with and the men you dated were probably cheaters and liars. I am sure there were warning signs that you both failed to recognise. Miss S - agreed, you fell for his charms, you 'thought' you were inlove, but ultimately you agreed to become involved with a man who was already married - he was a cheater from the outset and you accepted that. The way he treated you was wrong and the way he treated his wife was also wrong. With such a polluted foundation, how could such a relationship ever flourish?

          Islam is not to blame for the way this relationship turned out. Infact, it totally forbids the way this man behaved with you and treated you. He will be held accountable unless he repents.

          I understand you are hurting. But it will ease with time. Hopefully you will learn from this bad experience and spot warning signs and stay well clear of married men, be they Muslim, Sikh or whatever faith. Insha'Allah your heart will heal soon and you will become a stronger invidual and find a nice man who will treat you well, aameen.


          • Dear SisterZ,

            Just wanted to share a thought - it seems to me a lot of followers of Islam take the "He will be held accountable unless he repents" statement and think it's OK to do whatever they like knowing it's wrong and then repent and redeem themselves and their actions whenever they feel like it after the wrong deeds have been done and they have inflicted pain on others either emotionally or physically.

            It will certainly take me longer to trust people after this terrible experience.

            I am not blaming Islam at all, but I do think there are a lot of so-called religious people out there (in all religions) who take what their holy books state out of context and as a result of their actions make a mockery of representing the religions they claim to follow.

            Nobody is perfect - but when a person goes through life trying to be good a kind, events like this are a bitter pill to swallow for sure (albeit I made a huge mistake in trusting this man and believeing his lies and reassurances) - more fool me!

            I made a mistake by following my heart and not my head not one that I plan to repeat again in a hurry at all.

            Thanks for the response.

            Miss S.

          • Dear Miss S,

            I agree with you, many people of various faiths use their holy books to justify their actions, when in fact they are deceiving no-one but themselves - because Allah is watching everything they are doing, thinking and plotting.

            You have been through a lot of pain and I am sorry that you had to experience this at the hands of a Muslim. Being called a Muslim, he carried a great responsibility but gave it little respect or importance and in doing so represented a very valuable message very badly to you.

            Your blood is no less worthy than that of a Muslim, you are a human and if you are hurt, Allah sees your pain too dear Sister. He created you, just as He created us all. We are all on a journey, we came from the same source and will return to the same source. I just wish that your interaction with Islam had been a more truthful and honest one as it is something that will give you the peace and serenity you are searching.

            Allah does forgive us our sins, if we truly turn to Him in repentance, but at the same time, if we have hurt someone else, then we are expected to seek foriveness from that person if appropriate or have remorse and regret in our hearts. So Allah knows the heart of the man who hurt you - Allah knows more than you or I. He will give him a just outcome.

            I ask you sincerely as your sister in humanity to come nearer to Islam instead of further away and find out how its message brings peace into your life. Our existence here is only to worship Allah, everything else we do should be connected to that point. I hope you find a husband who brings you closer to Allah rather than further away, aameen.


          • Dear Sister Z. ,

            Thank you for your kind words. I will agree that in the past I have dated men who have lied and cheated, which makes sense on why I chose to ignore the signs of this dishonest man. You're right Sister Z! It's not because he's a Muslim man. I didn't mean my statement to come out that way. It's because he's a dishonest man. I don't have any hard feelings towards Muslim men or the Muslim faith. I find Islam to be beautiful and peaceful. I am now committed to learning about Islam and possibly reverting (converting). Nor do I blame Islam. I blame him for what I think he was using Islam to hide is true identity. I also blame myself for going against what my religious beliefs. I may or may not ever find out the real truth about this man. All I can do is forgive and move on. Since I found this forum, I my pain has been slowly going away and I'm starting to feel like myself, prior to this unhealthy and sinful relationship.

          • Dear Kalila143,

            Thank you for your reply. What you have analysed about yourself is spot on and its the first step towards not repeating the same mistake. Never go against your principles and religious beliefs - afterall 'religion' is why we are here on this earth, right? To be clearer, I mean, we exist only because of Allah(swt) and our purpose is to worship Him alone. Anytime we stray from that path, we find thorns. I am so glad that you are finding Islam interesting and soothing - insha'Allah keep seeking the truth with an open heart, and of course Allah will guide you, aameen.

            Your Sister,

          • SisterZ,

            Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I take comfort in your statment

            "if we have hurt someone else, then we are expected to seek forgiveness from that person if appropriate or have remorse and regret in our hearts. So Allah knows the heart of the man who hurt you - Allah knows more than you or I. He will give him a just outcome."

            I hope what you say is true, since this man seems to have no remorse or regret at all.

            Miss S

  2. @muslim young boy i disagree miss s should not contact him anymore the man has made it clear to her he wants nothing to do with her. I suggest miss s stays away from him and let him play happy families with his wife. You miss s must be strong and let go, this relationship was haraam and wasn't meant to be, he clearly used you, i hope you can see this and allow yourself to move on. When pain has heal you see it was for the best

    • Samina,

      Don't worry I will not be contacting this low-life. If he contacts me to ask for money or anything else I will not be entertaining his ideas. I don't need 'friends' like that.

      His wife and children and welcome to someone so deceitful, selfish and full of lies.

      Very hurt that he used me for 3 and a half years and took advantage of my kindness!

      Miss S

      • Sister
        You had posed this exact scenario just a few weeks ago and I had told you about one of my very best friends who is a muslim being treated EXACTLY like that by a Sikh man and dumped just like you are describing, and that was after he proposed and made families meet much far along than you and this man, and I had asked you if Sikh religion allows that. You never replied - I never wanted an answer, so I don't know if you read my comment or not, but I was trying to show you that RELIGION had NOTHING to do in BOTH cases. So please STOP blaming ISLAM for his actions. My friend is NOT blaming SIKH religion after being dumped when they were only 2 weeks from for God's sake getting married!

        Don't forget, you were fornicating with a married man and should take some ownership for this scenario. Does Sikh religion encourage women from sleeping with married men whatever their religion maybe? I know you are hurt, but blaming religions does not help. We used to one people before partition, and need to stop that hate between Sikhs/ Muslims/ Hindus 60 plus years down the road.

        • Serendipity,

          I'm not blaming religions - no offence towards Islam intended. I have ultimate respect for those that pontificate to be religious and represent the faith they claim to follow properly.

          I have not said that I am shirking responsibility for my actions since I blame myself for being so gullible.

          I did read and was grateful for your insightful comment and I thought I did reply.

          All the best,

          Miss S

  3. I feel that I read this post earlier here on IA; I am pretty sure. Maybe it got re-posted or maybe I’m just having a deja-vu!

    -Helping Sister

    • Salaams,

      I think you're right. I distinctly remember this exact same post; and if I recall correctly the poster even made some follow up comments on that thread. I can't remember the name of it, though.

      -Amy Editor

  4. miss s

    i u really love him ple accept islam and marry him

    their is no wrong to accept islam

    as islam is right religion compare to all religion

    u can marry him after accepting islam and u will be consider as

    his second wife legally and u can have relationship which full

    hygienic and legal

    but dont ask that man to convert to sikh religion

    and dont ask him to diverse his first wife and childerns to marry u

  5. @muslim young boy the man has cut ties with her, why should she continue in a haraam relationship if islam forbids it and why would she even consider him a marriage material if he used her for 3 and a half years and he cut ties with her? The man has left her and why should she convert she hasn't even mentioned marriage.

    • ya man cut his ties from this women because this women want

      to go for relationship with out marriage which is haram in islam

      i say that if she turn in muslim and want to mary him than want to

      have relation ship than what is bad in that

      this man can have relation ship with both wife and both can have muslims childerns

  6. Dear Miss S.,

    I know it is painful to process what has happened to you because you spent three years loving and supporting a man who used for his own selfish purposes. It’s heartbreaking. It may or may not have been intentional and no one knows what level of love the both of you felt for each other. I know how this feels. I recently experienced something similar. I must say at least your guy was honest in telling you that he was married. I have yet to confirm if my boyfriend is married with children. I spent six months with him, not comparable with three years, but I don’t even know where he lives.

    What has helped me get understanding and closure is getting closer to Allah. Learning about Islam, is what brought me to understand that my relationship was haram so I chose to suspend all physical contact, which he did not take very well. It’s been almost three weeks and he has not called me to discuss our future. See, he asked me to marry him so we could do things the right way according to Islam; however, time kept on passing by with no signs of moving forward with his promises.

    You and I do not come from a Muslim background and I think it’s unfair that these men controlled the situation by not being completely honest with the severity of our haram relationships within Islam (I was raised in a strict Catholic family). When in love, I think people try to justify the wrong they commit. I am guilty of this. However, we now know that what we both have broken sacred laws and beliefs.

    As hard as it may be, I think the more you learn about Islam and get closer to Allah things will be come clearer. He may or may not contact you again. It may be true that with Ramadan he now is seeking for forgiveness and is repenting his haram relationship with you. I know it hurts but continuing a relationship with this man is just going to hurt you further. You deserve someone who is going to respect you and treat you accordingly.

    I thank you for sharing your story because it is helping me move on with my life. I am 37 and he is 43. When you are older time is more valuable. I’m taking our experiences as lessons learned and a message from Allah to follow the right path. Be strong and move on!

    If he does take you on as a second wife the proper way how do you know he won’t leave again? Plus, he knowingly had a haram relationship with you. That is disrespectful.

    I hope you are able to overcome this devastating heartbreak.

    Good luck,


    • * Prior to writing this comment, I did not know you did come from a Muslim background. However, it still is very hurtful on what this man did to you!


      • That's OK - I'm Sikh, but I know more than most non-Muslims about Islam as a result of my mother's upbringing and I have a lot of Muslim friends and neighbours.

        Miss S

    • Dear Kalila143,

      Thanks for your reply and more importantly for not judging me too harshly.

      I did question the notion of us being 'friends', but he reassured me it was OK and that he was answerable to Allah, he could have 4 wives, he and his current wife weren't getting along and he slept on the floor. I even asked his brother if all this was true.

      I have not been treated very nicely at all - it was all great in the beginning and during the 3 and half years... especially when he needed money. It hurts that someone could do this to me - although I'm not Muslim, I pray every day and especially with him I admit, I must have been deluded to think he really had feelings for me even though he acted as if he did by sending flowers to my work, calling me every day and talking for an hour or more and meeting up every weekend. I believed him when now it seems it was all lies.

      I don't know what to think - part of me wants to believe that he did like me and recognises that I'm a good person since we were friends for 3 and a half whole years, but the cruel words that came out of his mouth when we last spoke makes me think he used me because I was stupid enough to let him - only because I grew to love him of course 🙁

      I asked him why he took my money and got the reply "your money was a fair exchange for my time" - this reply made me really upset. He's not planning to stop drinking either...

      It's shame guys behave like this - there's no need to take advantage of decent girls.

      It will definitely take me a very long time to get over this - he convinced me to be with him, used me as much as he could and then dropped me like a stone when it suited him "for Islam" because he's going to cut out everything immoral... but he's still going to drink alcohol!?!?

      I have definitely learnt a horrible albiet important lesson and will never ever entertain a relationship with a Muslim guy ever again.

      So sorry to hear you a going through a similar situation - you are right, the older one is, the more valuable time becomes...

      It's easy to say "be strong, move on, forget about him", but putting this in practice is another thing altogether - it's really hard! Although I'm cross with myself as well as him, I get upset nearly everyday. Sometimes, like today, I'm driving home from work in uncontrollable tears :-(.

      I hope things work out for both of us very soon and something good is around the corner in our lives.

      Take care and look afer yourself.

      Miss S

      • Dear Miss S.,

        You take care as well. I think we both have learned a grave lesson. I only think it will make us stronger and wiser.

        I know that exact feeling of driving and all of a sudden those tears start to pour without any control. Or at the market and all of a sudden you burst into tears. What sucks is that it may happen a year from now when both of us have already moved on with our lives. It's all a part of the healing process.

        Yes, we were bamboozled as we say in America. 🙂 As a matter of fact, it sounds like we were dating the same man. LOL. The flowers at work, the daily calls and the spending time on the weekend sound oh so familiar.

        For myself, the experience has brought me closer to God which I embrace. I'm going to cleanse my soul, better my relationship with God and better myself.

        Be kind to yourself and love yourself!!! You deserve it.

        Thank you for responding to me!!! I really apperciate your words. Also, thank you for posting your experience because that could have been me in three years!

        Take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself,


  7. Thanks so much everyone for you comments and advice - this forum has definitely helped me and I can see it is helping others who have worse problems than mine.

    Great work!

  8. I'm truly sorry for what you went through
    Truth be told I think he used you a lot of me are doing this act I have friends who have had this happen to them these types of men lie and just use women for their own fun it's not fair but sister not all men are like that there are good brothers out there you just bumped into the wrong one,
    Next time u meet a man do proper research on him if u like him get married do not get involved in adultery.

  9. dear miss S,

    its a horrible feeling what you are going through. a lot of muslim men have this rekindled faith when it comes to commiting to women they have been using or rather say abusing them. its there weakness that inspie of knowing that they should choose women of their own faith and should not have relations with women outside marriage, they still follow their own desires. i really dont know ( despite being a muslim my self) that wether its the faith that pulls them back or they cant be bothered to give respect to women they have been using to fulfil there own desires.

    what ever is the reason , certainly this kind of behaviour is disgusting. atleast this man should have to courtsey to say sorry and give a closure to the relationship, instead of leaving you in the middle of no where. but please be assured that the religeon is not teaching him this behaviour. i feel really embarrased when muslim men do this to women. but its not only muslim men a lot of men have this 'follow our desires' attitude towards life and this leaves a lot of women heartbroken.

    well now he is gone, and you have to collect yourself. with time it will become better. may you attain peace of mind and heart soon.

    i wish there was away to make all the people whoplay with others emotions , feel the same pain they have caused.

    sis, he has wasted a lot of your time and ofcourse the biggest loss is loss of emotions. May Allah grant you peace.

    look after yourself.

    • Dear friend,

      Thanks for your kind words - if he had said "sorry" after 3 and a half years it would have been something, but he never did and I don't think he ever will.

      Take Care.

      Miss S

  10. Dear Miss S....

    Theres a lot of blamming in ur post, but not enough ownership...Im sorry youre hurt..but did u for one second thin about his wife's feelings, her hurt n pain when you was messing with her husband. You should have messed with him 3 months after he seperated from his wife n kids.You had a choice, and you decided to choose what felt good instead of what was right...Im not judgin you...we are all humans and make mistakes..You jus have to learn to control your emotions and not put all the blame on this man and envy his wife happiness.Instead you should be happy that he turned to Allah for guidance. Its two sides to every story and if Ramadam allowed him to remain home, and possibly stop drinkning..All Praises Be to Allah..Allah is the best knower, judge, and he see all things. Everyone will bear their own consequences and learn their lesson. You should turn to Allah and ask him for forgiveness for your sins and your anger. Be patient sister. Sometimes saying nothing is the best way to depart. Both of you knew it was wrong and the silence should be enough to respect doing what is right. I pray you get over your pain, but my heart goes out to the Wife n Children..for the 3.5 years he spent having an unlawful relationship with you...May Allah Have Mercy on your Pain...Allah heals and protects those who are sincere. Allah also cheange people...Be n So It is! Miss S..this is not crazy as you stated in ur previous post, but this is reality. We all live and learn, but most importantly we should grown from our mistakes.

  11. Dear Allahknowsbest,

    I did not think of the wife, since he told me they would be separating as did his brother - he also introduced me to his children. He was probably taking money from me to support them all. I did what I could to help him when he had problems and advised him when his children were angry with him.

    I don't think I did refer to the situation as crazy, and once again, I know I'm not blameless - however I am annoyed that I let a selfish liar who uses people get close to me.

    He may refrain from drink during Ramadan, but he will certainly go back to it after.

    I do not envy a wife whose husband is selfish, a liar and a cheat btw.

    Some on this forum can judge me as a bad person, but I know my intentions were not bad - far from it, which is why I feel so hurt. I could have asked for all my money back, taken him to court, go to his house and tell his family, his brother, his children - but I did nothing.

    Even though he didn't say sorry for using me in more ways than one, I still wished him all the best in his endeavours in life and haven't contacted him since...

    I wish I could spare others from experiencing similar pain and hurt - I have learnt my lesson, that's all I can say. Any anger I have is with myself.

    I can only hope that one day he might reflect on his actions and feel bad for putting me through this and deceiving me from the outset, in the meantime, I know God is watching and sees everything and that's good enough for me.

    Miss S

    • Dear Miss S,

      Please seek forgiveness in your heart for his actions so you can move forward. If your intentions is to help..and always has been...maybe you helped him too see what is right..and he choose Allah first, then his family..I can tell youre still angry with said he refrain from drinkng becuz of Ramadam but he will go back (that doesnt sound like a person whos intentions are good for this brother) said he's a cheater..but how is that when you said AT THE TIME he separated from his wife, his brother confirmed, and you met his children...So if he was with you for 3.5 years...this would mean he was divorced from her, but remained at home to take care of his family from but choose to remain in a relationship with you..and then got back with his wife? Sometimes Allah GIVES us signs...we CHOOSE to IGNORE them for our own pleasures...but eventually it must come to an end. Quite naturally you thought about his wife becuz you refer to her as if she's the other woman (you said he a cheat). Dont let our emyotions get the best of you. I just pray you see that Allah is Really in control, and youre going to only remain angry the more you call him names, talk about him cheating on a wife that he live with..(u dont know if they were in a relationship for sure)..its wrong to assume, yes he drinks... but he choose to STOP for Ramadam and you have very little faith he will quit...its for Allah n not becuz you ask him to are not married to him..he dont owe you anything and then you say he was wrong for walking away..Yes you couldve went to his family, but still Allah is in control and you will bare the consequences for your actions (n possibly make a fool of yourself)etc..Sometimes we ask Allah to help us in a situation, and the minute Allah does (through signs)...we become angry becuz it wasnt done the way we expected...He's Gone, he left, its not right that he vanish..but take it as a blessing..along with your lesson..Trust in Allah...this pain will pass over..May Allah Guide you.

      • Dear Allahknowsbest,

        He told me he will not give up drink - he gives it up DURING Ramadan only. When I questioned him as to whether he would stop altogether in his attempt to follow the righteous path he said he would not.

        I call him a cheater because he never divorced his wife (in fact he has 2 - one no longer speaks to him). He lied that he and his wife were no longer emotionally or physcially involved. I now find this was not the case.

        Whether you agree or not, it's wrong to use people, deceive them and trample all over their feelings like they are nothing!

        I could expose him to his family and trust me I wouldn't look stupid - they would probably be shocked, I have bank statements showing how much money he took from me, emails, text messages etc - but it is not in my nature to hurt others... especially people I don't know. His wife is married to a liar and a cheat who manipluates people - I'm not going to burst her happy bubble! However, if he does this to another girl, I can only hope that she's not as decent as me and will give him what he deserves in terms of revenge...

        If he would have explained himself properly, said sorry and really was foresaking me for Islam - of course, I'd still be upset, but I would also understand his reasoning. I know how important faith is to true believers.

        You seem to be judging me and seeing him with angel wings - I'm afraid I cannot do this unless he truly redeems himself and repents. The way he sometimes treats people around him when things aren't going his way (including his wife and children) I don't think this will happen any time soon.

        Thanks for you insight and comments anyway,

        All the best.

        Miss S

        • Im sorry if you feel like Im judging you and taking up for him but Im not..Im not taking anybody side in the matter...You stated you both are grown and knew exactly what u was I will let Allah be the judge...You seem like a bright woman..Dont get so caught up in your emotions that you dont recognize your blessing. Allah delivered you from someone using you, lying to you, and taking advantage of you..This was not right, said your mother shared Islam with you...therefore you know thats not the actions of a true muslim man...They proud for their family....they are suppose to treat a woman like a delicate flower...theyre suppose to turn away from that in which is tempting..(like the drinking)....You no longer have to be apart of that! Allah have a man for you and you alone..Trust that...Believe that...and weep no more but give Allah the Praise...Find good out of this situation so you can move on..Stay strong and move forward...May Allah heal your pain.

          • Thankyou Allahknowsbest - I too hope the pain I am feeling passes sooner rather than later. I do realise that this is probably a blessing in disguise, however it's only human nature to be upset at such horrible treatment.

            I have heard that a woman is supposed to be treated like a delicate flower, but unfortunately this has never been the case for me so far...

            All the best,

            Miss S

  12. When I say "friendly" way I mean to say in a flirtatious and or intending to develop a relation outside of marriage.

  13. Hello Miss S,

    There is not an iota of doubt that one gets asphyxiated when people think that you are a bad person. It is disheartening. I can feel the pain and agony that you are going through. I would not say that everything is going to be okay. Some wounds are deep and it can never be healed. This 3 and half year guy was immoral, unislamic in using you.

    You say that you would have been okay if he'd apologised to you before cutting the ties but I am sceptical that even if head done that then it would have ceased your tears.

    I honestly feel sorry for you.

    I would suggest that you see a consular and vent out your frustration. I wish you the very best for this life and the hereafter.

    • Farrukh,

      When someone suddenly hurts you with lies, cruel words and absolutely no remorse or guilt because they can no longer be bothered or they don't need you anymore does it not hurt even more? Of course it does...

      Thankfully, I'm an educated individual with a lot of positive aspects to my life despite this treatment by someone I thought was a true friend who cared a little bit at least.

      I will not be seeking advice from a councillor of any kind.

      I wish the very best in life for you too.

      Take care.

      Ramzan Kareem.

      Miss S

      • dont start a debate on hindu's v muslims or indians v muslims. There's good and bad points in people everywhere not religion the issue FACT. Leave this sister alone and stop blaming her for everything it took 2 people to make mistakes.

        • Thankyou Samina - it's the betrayal that hurts most... you think you know someone, but then you realise you never did.

          Regardless, the people who took their time to post their comments have helped me more than any councillor could so I am thankful for that.

          You take care too and Ramzan Mubarak to everyone on here.

          Miss S

  14. I feel sorry for you miss s but i know in time this lesson will make you a stronger person. Just leave it to god and your pain will heal, in time take care

  15. Its worrying to the casual observer, to notice how in every situation, the blame seems to always stem back to the man. I feel the need to defend our brothers in these situations. There's a lot detail that has been missed out as neither his or your actions seem logical and the title makes me think you almost want him to speak to you, why would you want someone like this back in your life?

    Is this the first Muslim man you have had relations with? If not, did you not learn from your past endeavours? Why have you left it so late to settle, are you some sort of hi-flier as normally sikh girls are married by 30. What did your parents say about this 'relationship'? You clearly stated that you gave him money and state that you are educated yet you fail to realise that unless he was forcing you into handing over money, you could've happily refused. Did he make promises to you stating he would leave his family and or ask you to convert? Probably not I reckon! If you knew he was married, why would you then pursue this relationship??

    Your moral compass clearly negates any sense of decency, to be with a person firstly not of the same faith, thus no future, secondly the very fact that he was married with children didn't even dissuade you.
    You imply that you have been 'used' for money, but it seems that reality caught up with you when he stated that 'it was fair for my time'. This was never a relationship, this was an abomination (friends for benefits). It seems as if you had been paying him for his time, much like a escort.

    However I do understand your sorrows, it seems as if you have taken what was never going to be anything more than a casual fling and created a relationship within your mind. Islam does not allow interfaith relationships and with your mothers background in Islamic knowledge, you would also know this, you are not free of blame in this, nor is he, but the onus is on you! You state that your intentions were not bad, so what was this so called intention, with a married man who has children, who is also Muslim? Good intention, I think not. It seems as if you both knew what you were doing and are both to blame.

    I think the best thing for you to do would be to build a bridge and get over it. Stop trying to imply that all Muslim men are like this. Islam doesn't allow these relationships to begin with, so if it has gone wrong do not then turn around and ask if it allows 'this kind of behaviour', these relationships are just plain wrong for anyone regardless of race or faith. There's plenty of sikh guys who would jump at the same opportunity, it's clear from your own background that you know that the moral high ground certainly isn't with either of you.

    You seem to have had an grotesque like 'relationship' although it may not have seemed that way to you, the best thing for you would be to put that moment of your life to the back of your mind and get married or move on to someone who is not married or Muslim.
    I would seriously consider counselling as it will help you comprehend the fact he may not ever talk to you again, it will help you get over it and concentrate the feelings you have elsewhere.

  16. Muslimah,

    Thanks for your disappointed and damning response - I still stand by the fact that it is wrong for anyone in any faith to take advantage of decent women no matter what religion they are.

    When he told me he had money problems and was in debt, I helped him as my friend not 'friends with benefits' as you put it! If he was a decent man, he didn't have to accept my help - especially me being a woman from another faith!

    He should obviously know more about his own religion than I do, when I questioned our friendship at the start he said it was OK - he was the one making all the moves, reassurances and putting my doubts at bay. I'm not saying I'm innocent, but I really did value his friendship a lot and had no doubts during the whole duration that he felt the same - so of course, I didn't go out of my way to find reason to end what we had...

    It is wrong to treat people as if they are doormats with no feelings especially for personal gain. Whether I am a high flyer or not, doesn't come into it - believe it or not, I still have feelings.

    You may know people who have had "a casual fling" for 3 and half years - I'm afraid I do not.

    Your reply is most worrying - OK it was wrong for me to think with my heart instead of my head and fall for his charms when he pursued me. Most of the time, you say I am totaly to blame, then you change your stance to "you both knew what you were doing and are both to blame".

    If you read through the posts, you will read that I know and accept that I did wrong, but for goodness sake, what is this personal attack on me for???

    How is the onus on totally me? ("you are not free of blame in this, nor is he, but the onus is on you!") - did I deceive, did I lie, did I cheat, did I betray anyone's trust - NO! I did not?

    I don't need counselling at all I can assure you - I don't lay the finger of blame where it's not warranted! When I am to blame for anything I will hold my hand up to it and accept responsibility - as I have done here for my part in this!

    It's not a crime to feel hurt, sorrow or pain... at least I didn't think it was!

    Miss S

  17. OK - so now (3 months later) this guy is trying to get in touch with me... saying he wants to be friends and misses my friendship!

    Obviously, I've told him I can't be friends with him.

    I did point out to him that as he quoted to me - our friendship is against his religion.

    I'm not taking his phone calls and dont reply to his messages anymore - every dog has it's day as they say!

    Miss S

    • whatever you do stay strong and dont even answer anymore of his calls change your number if you have to seems to me he wants to crawl back in but miss s to be honest the world is just using each other for own gains regardless. Take control of the situation here and after in your life and future because you deserve better, that pain is very hard especially when you believe and trusted that person but believe you me one thing you can hold on to now is your own self worth and respect.

  18. Stay strong sister!!!



  19. Thankyou Kalila and Samina,

    I have blocked his calls and ignore all his pleading text messages which are full of apologies and saying I was his best friend.

    He is definitely trying to crawl back because he thinks I'm a doormat. I've also heard his wife has moved back in! - so he should be looking after his family.

    Maybe he wants to play on my good nature again with his lies and sob stories about his money problems so I feel sorry for him and help him again...

    When he stopped speaking to me he said he'd seen the light and the error of his ways - it seems that his actions in the past are where it's ME who has seen the light and I am now strong enough to block him out of MY life (damage limitation for my feelings and my bank balance).

    It never ceases to amaze me how people can be such low-lifes.

    Eid Mubarak to everyone one here x

  20. Congratulations Sister! Continue to pray to Allah for strength and staying on the right path!


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