Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents engaged me to one guy, but I love someone else

Love marriage or arranged marriage?

Love marriage or arranged marriage?

So at 18 my parents got me engaged to a guy from pakistan.  At the time I was okay with it. He's educated, alright looking, and a quiet kind of guy.

I was allowed to talk to him and since day one  I felt no attraction towards him, but I thought with time I would start liking him, and insha'Allah look forward to marrying him.

We both wanted to finish our studies first. After a while I just gave up because I found him so boring, and he would just annoy me.

So now I'm 21 and going to finish my studies this summer. He has already finished. My parents want me to get married in the summer after my exams are over, BUT...I'm in love with another guy I've known for 3 years. With him we clicked straight away, but unfortunately he was quite a bad guy. He works and everything and financially he was fine, just religiously he wasn't that good. He did drugs and drank and slept around etc etc.

Wth time, we began speaking about islam and I told him he must improve his character for his own benefit. Masha'Allah he stopped all that. We had never seen each other face to face, and all this was online and over the phone. The only aspect he's missing is prayer, but he's looking to save up and go to umrah soon insha'Allah. At first we only spoke every few months on facebook, and it's only been the past few months that we spoke a lot more. He told me he loves me and I love him, too.

He also said he wants to marry me. I told my mom how I don't think the guy I'm engaged to is the right one for me, and how I almost changed my mind, but I couldn't say 'no' directly as this would have seemed too sudden. She started getting worried, as did my dad. At first they were kind about it and told me I'm just nervous and that it's normal to think like that etc, but afterwards they said, "if you don't marry him, you are no longer our daughter" etc- the usual emotional blackmail parents bring forward.

I have not yet told them about the guy I love, instead I started praying and bettered my relationship with Allah. I also prayed istikhara to let Allah decide which man was best for me. I asked that the one who isn't, to turn him away from me...and if it was the one I love to give my heart sabr for him and to give his heart sabr for me.  I received no dream, but i just felt a stronger inclination towards the man I love.

My parents wanted me to go to pakistan this month (january) to do the nikkah with the man I am engaged to, and then come back and do the marriage party here. I  prayed to Allah to somehow stop this, as I didn't want to marry him...and subhana'Allah within a few days the guy himself said he felt the nikkah shouldn't be done there, and that we might as well do it when I am in England.

The mistake I made was to meet this guy I love. I don't want to go into detail, but we sinned. No, we did NOT have sex, but yes we did sin. I spoke to him and told him if we are serious about marriage we must stop meeting up in the wrong way, and be sensible if we want Allah to bring us closer and to bless our future marriage insha'Allah. I love this man with all my heart. I want to be his wife and I want us to both improve ourselves religiously.

My mom said, "why did you make the first guy wait 4 years before all of a sudden changing your mind?" and my parents will get angry with me, but I know if I marry him it won't even be valid as my heart is set on another man.

I am going in January to Pakistan just to see the first guy, but I know I won't like him. I plan to tell my parents I don't want him as soon as we come back. I know they will be angry and I know they threatened to kick me out the house, but I'll take anything for the man I love.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??? and WHAT DO YOU THINK MY ISTIKHARA MEANT???

-SisterEmm


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20 Responses »

  1. Sister first be patient and trust in Allah and just you talk with ur parents about him and show the quran words below mention here to ur parents

    insha Allah ur parents can understand what Allah swt says in the Quran about marriage

    Quran 2:221] Do not marry idolatresses unless they believe; a believing woman is better than an idolatress, even if you like her. Nor shall you give your daughters in marriage to idolatrous men, unless they believe. A believing man is better than an idolater, even if you like him. These invite to Hell, while God invites to Paradise and forgiveness, as He wills. He clarifies His revelations for the people, that they may take heed.
    [Quran 4:21] How could you take it back, after you have been intimate with each other, and they had taken from you a solemn pledge?
    Respect for the Father
    [Quran 4:22] Do not marry the women who were previously married to your fathers - existing marriages are exempted and shall not be broken - for it is a gross offense, and an abominable act.
    Incest Forbidden
    [Quran 4:23] Prohibited for you (in marriage) are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, the sisters of your fathers, the sisters of your mothers, the daughters of your brother, the daughters of your sister, your nursing mothers, the girls who nursed from the same woman as you, the mothers of your wives, the daughters of your wives with whom you have consummated the marriage - if the marriage has not been consummated, you may marry the daughter. Also prohibited for you are the women who were married to your genetic sons. Also, you shall not be married to two sisters at the same time - but do not break up existing marriages. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.

  2. assalamalaikum-
    1ST OF ALL THERE IS NO ENGAGEMENT IN ISLAM IT IS ONLY WORD GIVEN AND TAKEN BY ELDERS ONCE THE GIRL/BOY SEE EACH OTHER AND AGREE FR MARRIAGE-
    THEN YOUR DELAY IS ALWAYS HARMFUL BUT MORE HARMFUL WAS YR LENIENCY WHICH IS HARAM IN ISLAM AND YR PARENTS DID ALLOW A WRONG TO START WHICH BROUGHT YOU TO THIS STAGE PERSONAL CHECKING IS NOT THERE IN ISLAM TILL NIKAH-So long as the nikaah (marriage contract) has not yet taken place, this man is still a “stranger” to you, and you should observe hijaab with him (i.e., wear proper hijaab and avoid contact) just as you would in the case of any other man. He has no right to look at you beyond the look that is allowed by sharee’ah at the time of making a marriage proposal, beyond which no further look is permitted until the nikaah is completed
    AND DOING LEGISLATION IN ISLAM[YR PARENTS DID CHANGE THE RUL BU PERMITTING YOU TO START DISCUSSING WITH ALL PAKISTANI PARENTS DO THIS] BY BREAKING THE RULE ALLAH MADE- SO THE SUFFERING WILL DEFINITELY COME-
    The evidence is from Quran and Sunnah (Allaah says)
    “And when you ask for something, ask them from behind a hijaab.”(33:53)
    BUT...I'm in love with another guy I've known for 3 years. With him we clicked straight THIS IS NOT CLICKING THIS TICKING BOMB-BECAUSE ALLAH HAS CURSED A GIRL WHO FOLLOWS THE CHRISTIAN WAY [PRE MARITAL RELATIONSHIP]
    I was allowed to talk to him and since day one I felt no attraction towards him, but I thought with time I would start liking him, and insha' Allah look forward to marrying him.
    AND THIS IS PLAYING WITH ISLAM/SHARIAH ATTACHING WITH A NON MAHRAM-
    NOT BENEFIT BUT CRIME-YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT CHARACTER YOU YR SELF IN DROWNING IN THE OPPOSITE ACT-BY SINNING-
    With time, we began speaking about [slam and I told him he must improve his character for his own benefit.
    The mistake I made was to meet this guy I love. I don't want to go into detail, but we sinned.
    NOW INSTEAD F GOING WITH THE ENGAGEMENT GUY YOU FELL IN A QUICK SAND-

    THIS IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT ARRANGED MARRIAGE IS WHAT ALLAH HAS PRESCRIBED FOR US TO BE SAFE IN THE SANCTITY OF A MARRIED LIFE-

    IN A NUT SHELL I WANT TO INFORM YOU YOU WILL BE CONFUSED MORE IF YOU EAVE THE FIXED BOY ALREADY FOR YOU- HE IS RESPECTABLY COMING FOR WARD TO GIVE A DECENT MARRIED LIFE THIS IS MORE VALUABLE AND GOOD THAN THE ONE WITH WHOM YOU ALREADY LOST YR SELF RESPECT-SEE THIS TO UNDERSTAND-
    Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because it provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman (a woman whom one is permitted to marry according to Islamic law) in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils. Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc. All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
    Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?
    He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytan (devil) will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
    AND ALSO THE BOY WILL GET MANY DOUBTS AFTER MARRIAGE THAT YOU MIGHT BE INVOLVED WITH OTHERS ALSO LIKE HIM B4 MEETING HIM-AND HE WILL NOT RESPECT YOU AND BREAKING CRACKS WILL START TO APPEAR AND YOU WILL SUFFER MORE WITH HIM THAN THE MARRIAGE FIXED FELLOW-
    REGARDS

    • YOU SIAD THERE IS NOT CONCEPT OF ENGAGEMENT IN ISLAM BUT HERE IT IS WRIITEN THAT ITS SUNNAH OF OUR HOLY PROPHET PBUH...CAN YOU HELP ME OUT OF THIS CONFUSION CONCERNING ENGAGEMENT.
      "As a matter of fact our Prophet (PBUH) married Hazrat Aisha after an engagement period of about three years. Thus engagement is also regarded as a sunnah. (1)
      Müslim, marriage: 69.
      2. Müsned, 3: 339
      3. Nisa Chapter, 3.

      Reference : Mehmet Paksu, Kadın, Aile, Hayat, Nesil Yayınları"

      • This is a poor translation. In reality he married her contractually, then years later consummated the marriage.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    WHAT DO YOU THINK MY ISTIKHARA MEANT???

    Do you think Allah guided you to a man who (sinned with you or) was going to sin with you?

    Anyway, sometimes fake love could also confuse someone about the guidance of Allah, even through Istikharah. Your heart was already certain about that second guy, and due to that it could be hard for you.

    Perhaps, you also did not like the first man since it was the same year (or near) you felt in love with the second man, so your heart was not ready at that moment, let alone to be able to recognize what was best for you.

    He did drugs and drank and slept around etc etc.

    You said, he has repented, but Allah knows the truth. However, this must be investigated very well by wiser men in your family, before you even think about Istikharah. You don't just do Istikharah, but you make sure everything is okay physically, and then you turn to Allah for what is hidden.

    What if you went to marry him, without the support of your parents and then later on, you realized that he wasn't honest about his repentance, and then you got emotionally and physically abused by him? Who would be there to rescue your life then? Your parents?

    Maybe others will give you better advice, InshaAllah.

  4. Salaam.Sister, I have to ask you, are you quite sure that a guy who drinks, does drugs, sleeps around etc is the one for you, and that he will change his colours, out of pure love for you?1)It is the hardest thing in the world to make someone change themselves, unless he/she don't wan't to, themselves 2)There are many guys (and girls too) who put on a very attractive front, and would do or say just about anything in order to get their conquest, but are they serious about their conquest?Nope.You need to think about this objectively,Read your own post with the eyes of a third party, and the answer will be clear to you.I mean, a guy you've never met offline ,( and the one time you do meet, you sin), who seems to be quite disreputable versus a guy who is known to your family and whose only fault seems to be that he is quiet and 'boring and not a smooth talker'?Even if the second guy was not in the picture, I would be very, very wary of the first dude, he seems to me to be the sort who eats up impressionable, naive girls like you for a living, by telling them that he loves them and wants to marry them, just to see how far they'l go.And sis, don't you think it is quite unfair to your fiance, that you commited to him willingly and then are cheating on him like this ,and not being attracted to him is not a valid reason for cheating on someone.Think about this long and hard, if I were you, I would cut off all ties with the first guy immediately, as to your fiance, I'd give him a real chance, try to see past the quietness and judge what he is like as a person.If after that,you still feel that you are a mismatch and a marriage between you two would not work, then talk to your parents and him about this in a mature way, list your reasons infront of them in a reasonable manner, guaranteed to make them take you seriously, I'm sure the guy will not force you to marry him once he sees your reluctance.

    Sis , from your post, it seems you have some mental growing up to do.Talking to a guy online is never a good way to know someone for marriage purposes, the chances of finding someone genuine are very low.And I'd repeat, this whole thing is unfair to your fiance especially when you commited to him willingly.Do repent for this sincerely, and try to observe Islamic guidelines for interactions with the opposite gender, thet are for your own safety and protection.Also, a guy who doesn't pray regularly and doesn't inculcate Islam in his daily living, but is saving money to go on Umrah, is that your idea of improving religiously?Hope you see where I'm trying to go with this.Do some soul searching, try and improve yourself as a person, spiritually, religiously and morally and Insha'Allah, Allah will always keep you under His protection.Best of luck, sis.

  5. Salam sister,
    To be honest, Allah would have not taken you through this step if he didn't think you were ready. Allah always has the best timing.
    Try to get to know your fiancé a lot better and ask around about him. He may be a genuinely decent Muslim guy that will treat you well. And another positive is that your parents know him and will support you.
    Whereas the guy you say you love is a stranger, unseen and it's safe to say that he may have not been fully honest.
    You say that you both are in love however you have no clue who he is. And he is striving to become a better Muslim. If this love happened after getting engaged, I have no comment about this.

    But does it hurt to get to know your fiancé properly without any negative feeling and thoughts going through your mind. Four years is a long time. For the sake of Allah listen to him and look at the positives in him. If you can't find any negatives except for having no attraction or love for him, that is understandable. But if you both obey Allah, Allah will put love in your hearts for each other.

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    SisterEmm,
    Do not marry the boy that is involved with drugs, drinking and who is trying to continue a relationship with you while you want to be married. Any thought/feeling/inclincation towards him is a whisper from shaitaan and you have the control to stop it. You can't expect that some sign is going to come and tell you to stop and if it doesn't, then you should continue. Please, for your sake, stop immediately. Even if he cleaned up his life, he would have to prove himself a lot more than any other person. You are infatuated with him and more with an *idea* of how good it could be rather than seeing the reality. You can't make a decision based on feelings alone.

    As for your cousin in Pakistan, I would say, before your parents spend a whole lot of money, stop them now. You can't go there and then come back and then say no - that isn't feasible. Tell them you don't want to marry him (ignore, i repeat ignore the emotional blackmail that will come after this) and that is that--especially if you feel you have given it your best shot (although this may not be true). From what you have written, I don't think you are ready to get married especially to someone living in a completely different culture. You need to clear your mind first and decide what you want. Be responsible for your behaviour and take ownership for what you do - meaning, you should feel badly about having an affair and not make excuses.

    Do not be in contact with potential suitors on your own. Tell your parents that you want to work with them to find a husband. Reading through the posts on this website, you should the problems that come from these marriages back home and girls rushing to marry a bf who is involved in drinking/drugs. Both of these choices do not sound good at all - especially because you are crossing your limits and need to ask Allah for forgiveness. It isn't the end of the world if you don't marry either one. You need to do some more soul-searching, dhikr, remember Allah, stay away from boys. I wish you all the best, inn shaa Allah.

  7. Read very very carefully,
    When your marriage was decided at your age of 18y correct, you were okay with it. And that time since you knew that you have been engaged with a guy regardless of his nationality, you engaged (communicated) with anonther guy. I know not physically as you said. Since, you were not in Nikkah to any of them, and you were talking to them on the phone or on the net for years, that makes you fall into the catogory of sin. Although, from the beginning it should have not happened like that.

    Anyways, since your parents wants you to marry that guy. And I guess the Pakistani guy don't want to spend a penny for Nikkah arrangements there at Pakistan, might be possible. "Might be" I said, cause things can be different but I am guessing this scenario of Nikkah that he don't want to do in Pakistan. Don't take it as it is, please. You find him annoying. And alright looking, you mean to say average. And you find him kind as well but not to that extent.

    Sister, the other guy. If he has improved his self for his own benefit and as you said he did. Okay! Even then the relationship between you and him is wrong and you are accepting it. You said about his past. And you seemed to be okay with all that cause I am guessing he has arrived to a religious platform.

    Psychologically speaking, after reading your post it seemed that you have been neglected somehow at some point by your parents. And since, in the other guy you are comparing the same situation that since he was also drinking, sleeping around and thus neglected. That makes two of you common. And you find a soft corner for him in your heart. Are there no other guys in the world more pious than him. Or if he is the only person coming to practice religious values for the benefit of his own self. Please stop, sister being oversensitive there. You knew he is doing it for his own benefit, and if he has already done that part, why are you connecting your sympathy with him just because you knew him for 3 years. Isn't it.

    You did istikhara! Coming back to Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). That is good. Now, are you coming back to Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) for your desires? Is your intention is to be a Muslimah by heart. For your own benefit. IS YOUR INTENTION REALLY IS TO FOLLOW ISLAM AND PRAISE ALLAAH. IS IT REALLY THAT? OR YOU ARE DOING IT JUST TO FULFILL YOUR DESIRES. IF IT IS FOR PHYSICAL DESIRES (OF COURSE AFTER MARRIAGE) THEN IT WILL BE OF NO AVAIL TO YOU AND WILL LEAD YOU TO HELL. BUT IF IT IS FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAAH ALONE AND TO HAVE KIDS FOR INCREASING THE NUMBER OF MUSLIM UMMAH THEN IT IS GREAT. AND TO MAKE THAT PERSON A GOOD MUSLIM THEN IT IS GREAT.
    DECIDE NOW. AND SEE IN YOUR HEART WHAT'S THE CONDITION. HELL OR HEAVEN?

    DECIDE THEN. TELL YOUR PARENTS WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAAH'S PRAISE. ALLAAH WILL REVEAL THE OUTCOME FOR YOU INSHA'ALLAAH. AMEN

    Condition no.1. If your parents agree with you then: -
    You need to double check the guy that you know for 3 years. Not by yourself but by other sources. What if the guy is fooling you around. What if he is making up all just to make an effort to meet you and making you a soft target for sex. Because you have often met on the net. What if he is still the same and showing you a good image.

    Condition no.2. If your parents do not agree with you then:-
    Then you need to check the Pakistani guy if he is practicing 5 times prayers or not. Because I think he is not. But you need to check by other sources of course not by yourself.

    Condition no.3.If you found out that both are fraud, then search for a good practicing Muslim and tell your parents about it.

    All the conditions (1,2,3) are strictly bond to your prayers to Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). Since, you have prayed to Allaah(subhanahu wa ta'ala) for love (Allaah Knows your intentions Best), you should also pray for GOOD FAITH AND FIRM BELIEF TO ALLAAH also.

    A secret: "THE BIGGEST BLESSING IN YOUR LIFE AFTER FAITH AND BELIEF IS THE REMEMBRANCE OF ALLAAH (SUBHANAHU WA TA'ALA)".(NEVER FORGET THIS)

    Insha'Allaah the answer is enough.

    Allaah Knows the Best.

  8. u better marry the one who love.

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    The guy that you like, while he may be charming and exciting, sounds like he still has quite a way to go before he would be ready to be head of a Muslim family. You mention that the only aspect he's missing is prayer - but prayer is one of the core pillars of our faith. If he wishes to fully return to Islam and repent for his previous transgressions, then he should do that for himself rather than to facilitate marriage. Rather than continuing a secret romance, I'd advise that you break this off and tell him that if he wishes to be with you in a halal marriage, he should approach your parents with a marriage proposal.

    The guy that your parents wish you to marry may not be the most exciting man in the world, but before making a definite decision, think about his deen and character - does he have strong faith? does he have good Islamic values? is he kind and honest? If you feel that his deen and character are of good standards, it would be worth giving him a chance. In that case, you could ask your parents to arrange a couple more chaperoned meetings with him so that you can make a decision about marrying him or not. When you make a decision, make it about you and him - leave this other guy out of the equation, as he wouldn't be a factor in your married life if you were to marry this guy.

    If you truly don't want to marry the guy your parents like, then you have the right to say "No". It is clear in teachings that a woman has the right to refuse a marriage proposal, and that forced marriage is invalid in Islam. But don't turn down a guy of good deen and character for the excitement of haraam lust.

    Remember as well, that you don't have to marry either of them. It can be better to wait for the right person than to marry someone you don't want to be with.

    May Allah guide you to stay on the straight path and avoid haraam temptations.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. ass a l a m m u al l a i y k u m i a m g i r l n d i l o v e t h e g u y a lot n d h e l ov es me too w e w a nt to get m ar ri a g e b u t hi s p a r en t s n o t al l o w i n g f o r o u r m a r r i a g e o l y z t e l l m e a n y d u a o r waz i f a n d hi s p a r e n t s g e t r e ad y t o o u r m a r r i a g e s o o n i a m s o.w o r r i e d n d i k e e p c r y i n g e v e r y d a y p l y z t e l l me a n y so l u t i o n

    • Fouziya, please write normally. Register and submit your question as a separate post, and write it with normal language and font.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Your attraction seems to be based on lust and the bad-boy-syndrome.
    I know girls go mad for bad dudes, been there done that.

    No one can blame you for this, its natural. However its probably not good for you in the long run.
    If a guy sleeps around ( then being a guy myself, but alhamdullilah not having done any of this stuff) i can say its difficult he will change after marriage.

    So make up your mind, but weigh the risks and rewards well.

    Hope that helps.

    • I know girls go mad for bad dudes, been there done that.

      Brother Wulk, I couldn't stop laughing at this statement. I am sure there are SOME girls who do, but I hope you don't seriously think that girls in general do because personally I don't see what the attractive character factor would be in a drug and alcohol-addicted person who has no filter in choosing partners to sleep with--and I don't consider myself a minority. For those who do end up in this type of relationship may have had a trigger for it and sometimes it is about rebellion.

  12. ...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication, rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  13. Trust me and go with the one u actually love!! I live in America and im seeing a white guy whose in the military and I'm Muslim lol but trust me its gonna feel more like how marriages should feel when ur married to someone you love

  14. Salam
    I have done nikah with a guy who i didn't even know, it was arranged by parents whithin a week as my parents and the guys parents were friends and met each other after years, i trusted my parents choice and seeing his parents i assumed he would be the same. But unfortunately he doesn't have good communication skills he says very silly things, i didn't like his physical appearance from day one (no attraction at all) he even looks bit like my brother. but i didn't want to say anything as i felt it was not nice to judge him by his looks. He is not highly educated and haven't got a job atm. we have not been in any physical relationship as i am living in a different country with my family and our nikah was only done so i can apply for his visa otherwise the ceremony was an engagement function. We talk on the phone, he is very nice may be too nice it annoys me sometimes, he never have an opinion of his own. even tho he is always nice trying very very hard to say things that would match my mentality but I dont like anything he says, he can't speak to me or joke with me properly coz he says he is not comfortable enough but he always says useless and silly things and its been 5 months since engagement. i just want him to be honest with me and be himself, i keep telling him that too, but when i tell him to be honest he tells me things like, "why is my urine so yellow?" and very odd things. i dont know why he speaks to me like that but i am trying not to be mean or judge him but i can't stand talking to him. I have start being mean to him now and i hate talking to him like this, i want to respect him. After Nikah the next day we met to go to my grandmas place, he told me how he was not a good person 2 years ago and he used to drink and didnt pray, but he said he will start praying now after having me in his life as he was waiting to change himself for a deserving girl. i hated when he said that, coz to me he is not deserving at all so does that mean i shouldnt be a good person? i always wanted to marry someone who would pray 5 time or attest rember Allah 1 times a day before getting into relationship. Anyway he recently stopped smoking coz i was stressing about it, as i never liked my husband to smoke. I am very confused about him, is being nice and showing respect to people enough for having a good married life? Also he told me once that he is scared of being alone now as he is ageing (29) and not married, it makes me feel like he is trying hard to impress me so we can start family together, i dont mind it but i also want to have good combination with him, i dont wanted to be treated good at start and suddenly see his bad side latter on. I feel like he is being too nice and its fake. Although i told him i am not happy with this relationship,i couldn't fake it after 4 months i felt like i had to tell him, he was shocked but asked to give him time and i might like him and he said if i didnt like him he will help me get out of this relationship. At times he does try emotionally blackmail mail me, dont know how true he is.
    I need advice, i dont know what to do. i have been trying to like him, its just not happening. I do get attached easily and i am very emotional i just hope i dont get emotional and over look things that i should see now to decide for myself. I am in a state where i can't think straight, unable to make good decisions.

    Also before engagement/Nikah My cousin liked me for the past 5 years and he always tried hard to do good things to take my attention, always wanted to prove himself, i also kind of liked the fact that he was serious but i never told him how i felt i tried to avoid it as i wanted Allah to decide for us. My mother also wanted me to marry him, he even told my u. My cousin is the youngest in his brothers and he went through a lot trying convince his parents to ask for my hand but because of misunderstanding between mothers, they didnt ask for my hand. i didnt want to show it but i was broken inside i couldn't believe it. now i am trying to accept this relationship and trying to concentrate on it but i am finding it hard to like this guy.

    What things should i focus on to make a decision?
    should ignore my gut feelings and accept him even tho i dont like him at this stage, ( i keep praying to Allah to make me like him) OR should i just listen to my gut feelings and step out of this Nikah before its too late?
    I dont want to break his and his families heart but i am afraid that our life will be miserable after living together.
    Is it Haram in Islam to step out of Nikah in such a case or accept everyhting the way it is?
    I am going to his place in a few weeks time with my mother, to see whats he is really like. My whole family likes him but they dont see what i am trying to say. i like him as a person but i can't see him as a life partner.
    I just dont want to be ungrateful to Allah, and make a sin.

    Plz i need some advice on how to deal with this, i feel very depressed, I have been asking Allah for help but i need some advice. Thank u in advance.

  15. Salaam, you might not like what I am going to say but this is what I have made out of the situation. Firstly, things probably shouldn't have gotten this far with this man you have met online that's why our religion prohibits us from this kind of contact because it can damage our heart and lead to haram. The situation you are in is difficult. It is wrong to keep the first guy waiting. Sit your parents down when they are calm and tell them how you feel and also introduce them to this second person you like and as them to consider. Tell them how you have done istikhaara and say how he is attached to deen and is trying his best to change for the better. Let the two families meet and things will go ahead according to Allahs planning anyways. You have done istikhara and now Allah will guide you to what is right for you inshallah. That could be a feeling a dream or any form of guidance even things going diffrently. I think you should go and see this person because you might like him and don't let feelings take over. You need to keep an open mind and tell the second guy to contact your dad now and stop all contacts with each other before it leads to even more haram and if he really loves you he will speak to your dad and do all he can to convince him. If your parents feel he is the right person and will make their daughter happy and if Allah wills it will go ahead. If not just pray for the best and move on. I know exactly what you are going through it's not easy but just have faith in Allah and concentrate on your deen and relationship with Allah before anything else. I hope everything works out for you. Inshallah take care.

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