My ex is cursing me because I finished with him due to his haram lifestyle
Asalaam O alaikum everyone,
I wanted to ask question regarding the solution to a problem that I am facing right now. I was going to get married to a guy. Both families met and agreed to our marriage. Everything went well from both sides Alhamdullilah. However after a while, the guy I was going to get married started to act strange. He witnessed his friend’s death and this changed him to a totally different person. He was facing a lot of problems and had family responsibilities as he was the eldest in the family. His father passed away before he was so, he had no father figure around him. To top it all, he lives in an area where there are drugs, girls, drinks music and this also has a lot of influence on him. He started going to parties, mixing with the bad guys and girls, used to get into fights and was arrested by police several times, doesn’t care about his own life, don’t have a job, career, no education, doesn’t practice religion etc. We started to get into a lot of argument like two months ago because I kept telling him to change his lifestyle if he wanted to get married. We were supposed to get married 2 years ago but had to face a lot of problems due to his strange behaviour. I tried to change him but couldn’t and finally told him that it’s over as I couldn’t accept him living his life like that. Before, I broke up with him; I used to get really angry, swear and shout at him or simply go mad. When I finished things with him, he heard from one of his friend (male) that I was in a relationship with his friend, which was a lie. He believed it and we started to argue once again which made things even worse and he started to curse me. I used to say like; I hat you, I wish you die a horrible death, I wish you burn in hell, I wish Allah swt curse you for the rest of your life in this world and hereafter etc. I wanted to know, if his wish will be accepted? I know that I have shouted and sworn him a lot of times when I used to get angry. But I was doing all this to change him for good, though that is not an excuse to swear at him. I just want to know that whether his curse will harm me or not? After all this, I asked him to forgive me for all the bad things I used to say or have done to him intentionally or unintentionally but, all he continues to curse me. I know deep down that he cares but because I have finished with him made it even harder for him to forgive me also; drugs have bad effect on his brain too. I am very scared of this situation to be honest and don’t know what to do. Please help me in this situation.
Jazak Allah Khair,
Asha12
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Salaam Asha12,
I am sorry that you have gone through this experience, and I am very concerned for this guy. I do not think this cursing will harm you, although of course my understanding is limited - and what I say is an opinion rather than a fact.
What is happening here is that this man that you are referring to has experienced a lot of pain, grief and loss. When this happens to a person, they go through a cycle of grief - which is referred to as "the Kubler Ross Model" and it goes like this:
Shock stage*: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news -
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion - the world is the enemy
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. "Allah, if you do this for me, I will do that"
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable, despair
Testing stage*: Seeking realistic solutions. "maybe I can live my life?"
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. "I can live my life"
When people experience repeated pain throughout their lives, they need some kind of help to find the way forward in life. Without help, many will develop bitterness and hatred towards the world and rebel. In laymans terms, we call this "going off the rails" - and what we experience is someone who seems to have no care or concern for themselves or their lives, or for the consequences of their actions. Without help, support and guidance - how can a person know which way to go?
This is especially true of males. Suicide, mental illness and early death are all statistically higher for males because they cannot seem to find a way of expressing themselves in a healthy way, and they do not like to seek help because they feel pressure to conform to masculine stereotypes. Males would rather get angry and burn a house down then sit down and cry and say they need help. Women, on the other hand, have a great deal more emotional freedom and we are allowed to show weakness and need protecting.
This man that you speak of is traumatised and angry - angry at the world, angry at his life, angry with Allah, angry for everything that has happened to him and is happening to him, He is losing his faith and seeking to numb himself with these bad habits that he has developed- all in an attempt to escape and deny his feelings and emotions. He is self-destructing, and he cannot see it. What he said to you he said in anger - and my gut feeling is that he has no idea what is going on with him at the moment: he is simply consumed by anger and bitterness and you are in no way wrong for distancing yourself from him. As well as this, there is no reason why you should be the outlet for his negative feelings, and no one can be patient forever - and so it is only natural that you should lose patience with it.
The sad truth is that when people have awful experiences - one way that they attempt to prevent going through the same emotions again is to detach from things emotionally and stop caring altogether. They conclude that by not investing in anything emotionally (job, life, morals and so on) they have nothing to lose. If they have nothing to lose - whatever they do lose will not hurt them. This is, of course, the supreme denial - because all of their actions are an attempt at self-protection. Ironically, this self-protection ends up causing them a great deal of harm: although they cannot see it.
My advice to you is to distance yourself gently and slowly because you are in his emotional turbine at the moment and it does not sound as though you have the skills and resources necessary to turn him around, and you could end up suffering because he cannot see. Also, if you are not married yet - your ability to implement steps that could help him is dramatically reduced. If he were you husband, the rights that you would have and the fact that you lived together would mean there were more actions that you could take, family that you could involve, places that you could go - but as it stands you are unmarried and this environment is very unhealthy for you, and I am worried for your well being.
The distancing on your part, may well provide the catalyst for change. The only thing that can improve a person, is the things that they sincerely care about (this is why faith in Allah and mothers are usually so effective at bringing about change in people who seem unchangeable). The key to reaching this man is to re-connect him with the things that he loves, and give him inspiration to turn himself around. Normally, this involved a shocking realisation that causes a shift within the core of a person's mentality. For some, it is a near death experience, for others it is seeing poverty and recognising all of the things they are grateful for. For others, it is hitting rock bottom, and for others it is recognising that they are losing the things they truly love.
I am not sure of his age - but if he is 24 or under, and he is in the UK - there are many mosques who run football leagues. They have recently won government support, because they have shown to dramatically decrease criminal and violent behaviour in males by giving them something healthy, religiously connected, and regular to do. It is what is called "a constant" in the lives of males who have no structure to their lives.
For you - the best way to deal with things is to
1.) start distancing yourself gently to create a space in your relationship in which you have the freedom to say what is going on. When we are too close to a person, we are too emotionally involved to be able to help them.
2.) refuse to show strong emotion to him - no raised voice, no tears, no crying, no anger - the more calm and collected you are, the more powerful your words and actions. There is great wisdom in the advice of our Prophet (pbuh) in guarding our tongues and containing our anger. Stay calm, stay smiling - and if you need to cry or shout, do it where he cannot see.
3.) When he comes crying / shouting / screaming at you - (which he will) - push him (in a calm, caring and collected manner) to explain what is going on. "I understand that you are angry - tell me what is going on?" - avoid accusing statements like "you always do x!" "you never y!" - focus on unlocking his anger and uncovering his vulnerability
4.) If you get to the stage where he becomes vulnerable(i.e: he has begun to cry and talk about his feelings) KEEP TALKING until you have talked as much as possible. Once the guard has come down - this is the moment to go in, and cleanse him and inspire him.
5.) If you get to the stage where he is being abusive - call the police IMMEDIATELY. The first response to abuse is the most important response and will set the stage for further interactions. Do not feel guilty about it - you are helping him to learn.
6.) Don't expect miracles - sometimes, we just do not have the tools and the resources to help people.
7.) Maintain the prayer - it will help you stay focused.
8.) Don't feel guilty if you have enough / want to move on / dont want to put up with it. Guilt, pity and sadness are not good reasons to stick with someone
9.) Do not marry out of a sense of obligation
10.) Look after yourself and surround yourself with people who keep your spirits high, because this is a difficult thing to have to go through.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I like your comment Leyla, it was good to read maashAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor