Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am pregnant, my boyfriend who is still in jail, wants me to abort the child

abortion

May Allah grant us all with the beautiful blessing of parenthood, aameen.

Salam, I really need some advice.

I have committed the biggest sin ever! I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have always spoke about marriage. 2 years ago, he got caught up in a fight with his sisters boyfriend and has been in jail since then. His sister left home and moved abroad.

Now my boyfriend is due to come out of prison, but I have just found out I'm pregnant when I went to visit him last month, despite being on the pill. I know sex before marriage is against our religion, I know being in a relationship is bad. We are both Pakistani Muslims. And love each other very much (well I thought he did) until I told him about the pregnancy. He wants me to abort the baby. I don't. I want to keep it. I know I've committed a big sin by getting pregnant, but I don't want to commit a bigger sin by killing the baby. I am around 6-8weeks pregnant.

My boyfriend is the only son in his family, he feels as he has been in jail because of his sister having a boyfriend the whole village would say he is a hypocrite. He says the his parents have gone through so much over the past 2 years with them losing their daughter who left home and with him being in jail and doesn't want to cause them both pain. He says his grandparents are really ill and doctors say that they both only have days or months left to live. So for those reasons he cannot marry me yet. He says he wants to marry me but when he has spoken to his family properly. His parents want him to marry his cousin, which he was engaged to while he met me and I found out through social media. He told me it meant nothing and it was his mum that had pressurised him in getting engaged.  His parents would rather he not marry me.

My boyfriend had said to me, If I want keep the baby then he would walk away from his family and come live with me and the baby. But him saying that makes me feel guilty. I don't want him to lose his family over me. I would rather walk away from him. (plus I know he is not man enough to leave his family, as he is a mummy's boy)

He says, get rid of the baby, and then we will get married in 6months time, and have more kids. I cant help feeling this has happened to me for a reason and Allah has blessed me with this child.

I really would like to know,

  • Is it haram for me to keep this child (because its a child from sin) and force my boyfriend to marry me?
  • is it haram for me to abort the child, even though I don't want to and will only do so because of my boyfriend? And how much diyah money will I need to give?

I know if he was to talk to his family, they will come round. But this is the easy option for him. But as he is the only son, he feels he has responsibility to look after his family etc.

If I decide to kill my child, I have told him, I want nothing more to do with him, as I will never forgive him. He has told me if I keep this child, he will have resentment towards the baby, because the baby would have brought shame on his family, and because he would have walked away from his family, after going into jail to save his family's honour and respect.

I want to keep this child, but he is choosing his family over me and the baby.

I would really appreciate if someone can advise me please.

Thank You

Maddie


Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 Responses »

  1. Assalamo alaikum sister

    The best option here that I can gave you is to tell him to marry you so that the child doesn't come to this world as Haram child. Repent to Allah and ask forgiveness for your mistakes. May Allah protect you and your unborn child from haram/harms. He's making excuses and doesn't wish to take responsibility of the action he created. If he is so ashamed and doesn't wish to gave shame to his family then tell him to marry you. Do you think aborting a child will make him accept you? No it will make him free. If you kill the child that makes him "innocent" as he will think that and as well as his family will too. Plus however the child was created, killing is not permissible in Islam. The child is your evident. If the child is killed, and he doesn't marry you and later if you tell anybody about your relationship, no one will listen. If he continue to say the same method then you need to confront his family of what is happening. Don't threat him "that you will tell his family if he doesn't marry you" because that can create violent, and he may end up hurt you to scare you. As he says "he doesn't wish to bring shame to his family". But you and him already did that by having Haram relationship. May Allah forgive you both. Don't let him of the hook so easily. If you let it go easily, he will marry his cousin as his family already set it up and he will move on and live happily. So you need to tell his family, and inshallah hope things turn good for you. The parents follows tradition, so it's best to confront them. Please pray to Allah for help. Best way to approach Allah and get Dua accepted faster is by prayer. Never stay silent and let this kind of situation go, because this needed to be fixed. No problem goes away by avoiding. Sometime you have to take action. If you don't take it now, you will always regrate it.

    Stay safe!

    • A woman has no right to intimidate a man to marry her . Similarly it would be unacceptable for a man
      To intimidate a woman to marry him . Marriage is consensual .a woman cannot use lesbian he fact that she preggo to force a man to marry her .

  2. Salaam. I just want to reiterate it is you and your boyfriend that have bought shame to each and every one of your family not the baby. The baby is innocent. You both should blame yourselves for putting yourselves in this situation. I would say repent and avoid commenting any further sins for Allah does not stop forgiving the sins of his slaves no matter how big their sins are.

    Killing the baby is another sin. Remember that.

  3. How did u have sex with him if he was in jail for two years,? I'm confused ‍♀️

    • Agreed. How did they fornicate if he was in jail? Unless the child is not his?

      In any matter, in Islam, the foetus is believed to become a living soul after four months of gestation, and abortion after that point is generally viewed as impermissible (haram).

      If you are not maried to the father of your child, it is important to try to establish the legitimacy of your child through marriage sooner.

      If your child is born out of wedlock, or prior to 6 months before wedlock, then she is considered illegitimate. If this is the case, then it's father cannot be her wali when it is time for her to get married (if child is a girl), and cannot inherit from him after his death. The child will then only be attributed to you, and can inherit from you only.

      When it is time for your daughter to marry in future (if child is a girl), she has two options:

      1) Tawliyah: appointing a man of integrity to act as her wali.

      2) Tahkim: when she appoints, with her fiancé, she appoints, with her fiance, a scholar as an ad hoc judge to marry her off to her fiancé.

      It is not haram for you to keep the child even if the child is born from sin. The child is still born sin-less as is every child in the world. You cannot force him to marry you, he must agree to it and he may decide to marry you later once he realises his mistake and love for his child.

      You need to turn back to Allah and leave sin. It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “If you were to commit sin until your sins reach the heaven, then you were to repent, your repentance would be accepted.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

      Allah wants everlasting good for you. The door of repentance is wide open for you, and continues to be, until you depart from this dunya. Never despair in the mercy of Allah.

      • "If your child is born out of wedlock, or prior to 6 months before wedlock, then she is considered illegitimate. If this is the case, then it's father cannot be her wali when it is time for her to get married (if child is a girl), and cannot inherit from him after his death. The child will then only be attributed to you, and can inherit from you only."

        This is true only if the father denies paternity. And frankly, in this age of 99.99% accurate DNA testing, even that seems questionable.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Lol every jail system is different within the country or state. When you go through a conjugal (in person) visit to an inmate, some couples have sex or just hangout. Every jail has different rules. Just some food for thought.

  4. Salam Sis. I hope you are in good health. You probably heard it many times but being in a relationship is a major sin within itself. Then making it last for 4 years and now you're pregnant. I feel like with all these complications you are being expiated for your sins. You continously commit major sins and that builds up and takes a toll on you. And now it is. Idk if you pray or not but always ask for forgiveness and get close to your lord. The one who created you. He did all this for a reason. If you are a muslim act like one! Don't continue to blindly commit sin everyday if you are so worried about it. As for the two questions you have. It is neither haram or not haram to keep a love child. It's a child. A human being. The top 3 sins to commit is Murder, Adultery, and Zina. You abort that child is the same as killing someone. Whatever you do don't chose abortion. You'll deeply regret it. And your boyfriend. *sigh* well to be blunt he needs to man up. You have a child on the way, you guys agreed to get married, that's it. Do it. Get married. You've been together this long what's to hold you back? His family has that old pakistani mindset and they will never change. If he really loves you he should chose you over anything. And at least try to reason with his parents. It's his marriage not theirs. Trying to maintain "honor, respect, and dignity" doesn't mean shit in this world anymore. Trust. That's his child whether he likes it or not. So he should be able to take care of it. No resentment. Just love. You gotta make sacrifices in this world sometimes it's hard. But you gotta do what feels right for YOU. I hope this didn't come off too blunt. Inshallah everything will be fine. Take care Maddie ~

    • He will not merry with you whether you keep this child or abort. He doesn't love you if he did then he had more care about his child than you but now instead of caring about your stiuation love and child he is persuading you to abort this child thus he will be able to rescue himself from guilty in front of his parents and whole family. He is just trying to overcome you through emotinal words about family's respct etc plz plz donot ruined your life more which you already have done enough for this fake person. Now insist him for getting merry and if he doesn't then tell about all situations to his parents and get merry to him.. snd if he doesn't do even then just move on leave him and donot abort the child plz. I will pray for you may ALLAH forgive you help you and protect you from all bad situations moments and persons too AMEEN

      • how are you so sure that he he will not marry her? it doesn't make any sense now i think he is in big trouble . you what happen in police stations in Pakistan? i m not sure he is Pakistan or not but.......... in police stations they shackle your one hand with the feet and ask you to walk 2 or 3 km meter and then they beat with a big leather chitar that you become numb and then they ask you to walk in order for blood circulation and then they beat you and now he is in jail he suffered all alone i think he needs time to decide and he must ask forgiveness for the major sin he has done and marry the woman.

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply