Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m very miserable, I do not know what to do

abuse violent physical beat

Salam, i'm on the verge of leaving my husband. We have been married for 6 years. I'm from the U.S. the marriage was arranged but i fell in love with him even though i never saw him. he was from my parents country so i after i graduated i went back home and got married to him, and allahamduallihi , it was great we went out and he showed me that he truly loves me, after 2 months i left and came back to the states, where i came and started his paper work for his visa to come here, after 2 years he finally came, we stayed at our parents house at the time, until he was able to work and find a place of our own, 3 weeks later i found out i was pregnant and he was excited, but after 2 months he suddenly changed. i was extremely sick going back and forth to the hospital, and he wouldn't even leave me a dime to by food or take myself to the hospital, i had to beg my parents for money.

3 months after that, i was 5 months pregnant, he came home one day and began an argument, i didn't give in to his argument as i was already sick from the pregnancy next thing u know he hit me and kicked me, i ended up with a black and swollen eye and was bleeding, i left and went to my mom house and didn't call the cops on him, that night his uncle felt ashamed and said that he was seriously sorry and took me back. when i got there he was crying and fell to his knees, i accepted his apology and he was treating me good again for a week. then he told me he was going to ohio to look for apartments there as they will be cheaper. i let him go even though my dad was upset, 4 months passed and i gave birth, no apartment yet, he came for the naming ceremony after that week he went back again, while there i asked him to send money for the diapers and he refused, my dad again took responsibility and bought diapers for our child, i felt highly embarrassed.

5 months later he came back to my moms house and decided to stay for good, at this time i decided to go back to college, after a whole year in my moms house he doesn't pay a single dime to my dad to help out in the house, one day he misbehaved with my mom, he talked to her as if it was his sibling, my mom is old enough to be his mom, 2 days past and i told him that if he would not apologize that he should leave the house and he did. during that time he called and texted me saying things like i want to ruin our marriage. after a week the mufti told him he was wrong and he needs to apologize, he did and we moved on, but he still harbored the anger, we found a place a week after that , all to our self and i graduated from college and started working.

we are now in our own place but his childish behavior is driving me crazy. he will start and argument over nothing. and when we are done i will go pray and suddenly calm down, while he goes takes his pillow and sleep in the living room, and wont speak to me for weeks, for the pat year i have been the bigger person and push it aside and apologize to him even when im not wrong. he does this every month like a women on her period. he will go as far as not eat the food i cook instead he will make his own meal, take his own laundry. walk out whenever he wants. he doesn't put a single dime towards me or our child. i feel like im living with a roommate. i'm the only one paying my own school fees and my daughters daycare. the only time he will utter a word to me is when he needs something.  which could be once in a week. when i told him about that he got upset again. i know divorce is a last option but i honestly feel like he will never change and i cant stay like this forever.

you will think that me being the western born women i would be the one behaving this way, but he was born and raised in the east and behaves worst than any women or child i have seen. he has anger issues and i tried to help fix it. but it seems like the only way it gets fixed is when he coddled and told he is not wrong. even when he is. i need major help, as of this minute im willing to walk out and take my child with me and not look back ive handled too much. i have even thought of bringing a second child but postponed it cause of his past behaviors and his current one 6 years and i have dealt with things that my mom with, nor anybody from our country. i dont know what to do


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7 Responses »

  1. Aslamualiqum , Dear sister

    You have the same experience that I do. I want you to learn from my story.I am talking from bad experience in marriage. Mine was an arranged marriage to a Pakistani guy too and he was for SURE using me for green card ( USA) . So anways he was nice in the beginning but turned out to be an abusive guy. It was short marriage, no kids. But i learned how guys just like to use girls for their own greedy purposes like sex, usa, servant, ext.First he wanted to have fun with you, then when GOD bless you with a innocent child, he doesn’t want to responsible for his actions. His family kind of created the mess,I wanted to tell you that my background is Pakistani and the in laws (Desi) are mostly drama kind of people. They will mostly find flaws in everything which is very hard to manage. He never morally supported me due to this I was not happy nor was he. We would have fights all times but every week we would kiss each other or he would kiss me like crazily. You should have a bonding and trust inside not just look at the girl just for sexual purposes to let their hunger out. I was little educated ( no degree)community college degree , means the family expected more. I love education but my family background was not normal like most people’s. I had come from a bad abusive house due to my step mother and divorced parents. My in laws wanted their own ways in everything and wanted me to treat their son like a PRINCE. Listen to everything he says, never argue with him. Not just his parents but his whole family, he was the youngest btw( 28). My point is a family shouldn’t spoil their son that much, they should admit their sons fault that he is wrong when he is. Punching a girl and slapping a girl is not allowed (experience). I am sorry but if your husband is disrespecting you then why are you still married with him?.He either needs to make a strong commitment and listen to you or I am sorry but it will be difficult. I was in the stage when my husband always starts to call me a donkey nonstop when he got mad at me and said he will divorce me. When i had confronted my family, they thought i was probably wrong but I had a recording which i needed to prove my family that i was innocent. I know it’s wrong but that was my only thing that could let my family believed me. Trust me they wouldn’t believe me because i was telling them but until i proved it, they were shocked and stunned. So that did lead to divorce. Yes Family involvement does lead to divorce, but at the same time he divorced me because he didn’t get his greencard due to me coming to my parents house so it got declined the fact i never went back. Anways learn from my story. I feel like you should know that maybe your husband is taking advantage of you. My husband was the same exact way. He was using me sexually but never wanted to have a child until 4-5 yrs. I kept insisting him but it makes me upset that he had used me the first day we had our Nikah when we didn’t have any understanding or know each other. Guys will use you, try to figure out if he really love you. I don’t know because everyone has different mentality, but if he has Pakistani mentality it wil. be very hard for you .If you have any questions email me. Or msg me back I will msg u back.
    Any question
    I am here for u
    Allah hafiz

    • "But i learned how guys just like to use girls for their own greedy purposes like sex, usa, servant"

      Please don't tell people that it's men's nature to behave in this manner. YOUR husband behaved like that - he hardly represents his entire gender. I've been married for 8 years, and my husband has never used me, treated me like a servant, hit me, disrespected me or my family, or anything like that. And most women I know have similarly wonderful husbands that love and support them.

      No offense, but before you married him you knew his intentions. You knew he wanted to use you - so is he the entire problem or do you somewhat have yourself to blame, too? I mean, if I knew a man just wanted to marry me for a green card, I simply wouldn't have married him. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't be talking about myself as a victim after my divorce. Afterall, I knew exactly who I was marrying: a user.

    • I wish i could delete my post because i am getting blamed at for being divorced and abused.
      I feel like there are people who make people feel worst than they can but they should have sympathy. I am truly hurt by this and I feel that there should be more operators to make sure that people dont offend others. There are nicer way to put it. I am just trying to help but i didnt say all men. I should of have said it there are men like this that i have read post of. I was trying to express my feelings and story so others can learn. I wish operators can read this post so they can try hard to protect respect. Thankyou

  2. "you will think that me being the western born women i would be the one behaving this way"

    No, that's not what I would think. Your statement makes absolutely no sense at all. Whether people are Western, Eastern, Northern or Southern has nothing to do with how they choose to behave. Anyone, regardless of where they are from, could have been raised with no manners, no respect or empathy for other people, no integrity, etc.

    Anyway, you say you're on the verge of leaving your husband...why haven't you just done it already? What are you waiting for? A miracle to happen? I understand divorce isn't what anyone dreams of, but sometimes it's what's necessary. It's extremely hard to fix a relationship that is based on disrespect, inequality and violence. In your shoes, I wouldn't bother. But that's because I'm the type of person that would leave and never look back if my husband ever laid a hand on me or my children just once. How can you trust a person that has hurt you? I know I wouldn't be able to...

  3. Lindita

    I am an adult just like you are
    I am giving my own opinion, I have the right to express as a Muslim. I am not saying that all guys are like this i am mean some of them are like this. I am noticing that you are blasting on girls. I have the right to express just like you are Miss.Linditia. I dont know but i am seeing that you are being rude to other ladies. I don't know why are you doing this. You are not an admin of this site. You need to stop blasting on others and talk with calmly. Thank you so much.

  4. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. YOU ARE JUST TEASING THEM. IN ISLAM it is encouraged to speak with politeness. It seems to me maybe you are not a mature age. AS MANY replies you will send i Will send them back to you but as a Muslim and an adult, I have the right to speak about my mind. YOU ARE pointing fingers at people. WHEN OPERATORS TELL You nicely to stop then you want to listen.

  5. No body is perfect Miss.Lindita but you are showing yourself in the post that you are perfect person. I dint know before marriage. I think you need to stop blaming other girls. YOu are probaly a boy disguise as a girl .

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