Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not interested in me or in following Islam. Is he an athiest?

no love, marriage without sex or intimacy

Assalamu alaikum. Before I got married to my husband I knew very well that he is not praying and he doesn’t know to recite Quran, and that he is smoking and interested on chatting with girls. He had lied to me several times and had given me promises in the name of Allah to make me believe him. But I thought everything would be fine after marriage and I thought I could change him because he loved me and he sacrificed many things to marry me.

After marriage only i understood that his belief in Allah and destiny, are not strong and he is in a confusion. Sometimes he tells me though he has belief in Allah he gets some questions such as who created Allah? Or if a person dies as a non Muslim without getting a chance to understand islam it’s injustice to put him to hell as he is not responsible for his birth? Natural disasters are injustice etc.?

Then if i ask whether he is an atheist he scolds me. He never prays and also not interested to learn to recite Quran or only five or six days he fasted during last ramzan. He tells that he feels hungry at work and also he just lie to me and if he get caught he says that he never says any serious lies which could affect me and only for silly things to make me happy and to avoid problems with me.

On the other hand he is not that much interested in sexual intercourse from the beginning of our marriage. Only 4 to 5 times a month it happens and also most of the time I who call him and only once in a blue moon he comes to me. Until today he had never told me that he need me for that. I had talk regarding this with him several times in a good way, but he scold me and tells that is not important for life or he is tired or he is not interested or he is fedup of making romance as he had done it enough.

Once while he was going out he took a condom from his bag and put it inside his wallet. After he came back home i checked his wallet and it was there and when i asked him he said just he kept inside the purse and promised me that he never betrays me and love only me. But he always did talk about sex before marriage and had told me that he needed it so much in life and I must make him 100% satisfied in that matter and whenever he got a chance he tried to make romance with me (other than sexual intercourse) when we were engaged. But before marriage When I refused he gets angry and tell that he couln’t control his behaviours when he look at me. This creates doubt about him in my mind.

And also he doesn’t want to have children now itself until we are financially stable. But we are not financially struggling at the moment. He didn’t discuss with me any thing about that. I’m now 29 and i would love to have a baby. Further, even on his off days he just spend his time in front of television watching movies or games whole day and doesn’t spend with me or take me out or to discuss our problems.

he is a short tempered person as well as myself. several times i had told him that i’m going to divorce him because of his behavior and shout at him. then he fights with me scold me and after few minutes tells that he can never face his family if it happens and good or bad we should live together. and also He tells me he loves me because I never talk with men, covers and follow islam and he loves my character hence doesn’t want to miss me any time.

He tells me to let him to do what he is interested in and that he is not going to disturb me. He scold me when i ask him to pray fast or to stop watching movies or to spend some time with me or to take me out to a park or some where. Actualy I’m fed up of this life now. Some times I feel like to getting divorce might be wrong. I love him when he shows his love and good qualities. But most of the time I hate him so much when he ignores me and just wasting his time on movies and when I get the feeling that my husband is not a religious person and never follow Islam in his life.

all the days he just go to work come back watch movies eat and sleep. I just live a lonely life in a small flat. But he thinks that i love him madly. I’m afraid whether i’m doing a wrong to what islam says and I’m confused what type of person he is and i heard it is haram to live with a person who never pray and must divorce. is it true?

Will I be able to change him and live a happy life? Please help me what can I do? what decision should I take?

- ehab

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16 Responses »

  1. Assalamu aleikum sister may Allah ease your life here and hereafter.

    "Praise be to Allaah.

    Allah, may He be blessed and exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Every person is a pledge for what he has earned,

    39. Except those on the Right (i.e. the pious true believers of Islamic Monotheism).

    40. In Gardens (Paradise) they will ask one another,

    41. About Al‑Mujrimoon (polytheists, criminals, disbelievers) (and they will say to them):

    42. ‘What has caused you to enter Hell?’

    43. They will say: ‘We were not of those who used to offer the Salaah (prayers)’

    [al-Muddaththir 74:38-43]

    It was narrated that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) say: “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer.” Narrated by Muslim (82).

    Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Anybody who is accountable and dies when he is not praying, is a disbeliever; he should not be washed, the funeral prayer should not be offered for him and he should not be buried in the Muslim graveyard; his relatives do not inherit from him, rather his wealth belongs to the bayt al-maal of the Muslims according to the more correct scholarly view, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said in this saheeh hadeeth: “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer.”. Narrated by Imam Muslim in his Saheeh; and because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The covenant that stands between us and them is prayer; whoever does not pray has disbelieved.” narrated by Imam Ahmad and the authors of al-Sunan with a saheeh isnaad, from Buraydah (may Allaah be pleased with him).

    ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Shaqeeq al-‘Aqeeli, the great Taabi’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The companions of the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) did not think that failing to do any action was kufr except prayer. And there are many hadeeth and reports with similar meanings.

    This applies to the one who does not pray because he is lazy, but he does not deny that it is obligatory. As for the one who denies that it is obligatory, he is a disbeliever and an apostate from Islam according to all the scholars. End quote.

    Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz (10/250).


    If a person who is not praying dies, it makes no difference whether he is in a Muslim country or a non-Muslim country, but his sin is greater if he was living among Muslims, because he could see the people praying and hear the call to prayer at all times.


    Some people may become Muslim and be living in a non-Muslim state and not know anything about the pillars and duties of Islam, such as prayer and so on. This may be imagined in the case of one who grew up in a wilderness far away from knowledge and Muslims, or who lived in the jungle and so on. Such a person is not judged to be a disbeliever or even a sinner, because he is excused due to his ignorance.

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

    But among people are some who are ignorant of some of these rulings and may be excused for that, so no one should be judged to be a disbeliever unless proof is established in his case that the message reached him, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “in order that mankind should have no plea against Allaah after the (coming of) Messengers” [al-Nisa’ 4:165]. Hence if a man became Muslim and did not know that prayer was obligatory upon him, or he did not know that alcohol was haraam, he does not become a disbeliever for not believing that the former is obligatory or that the latter is haraam; indeed he will not be punished unless proof from the Prophet reached him.

    Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (11/406)

    Ibn Hazm (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

    There is no difference of opinion among the scholars concerning the fact that if a man became Muslim and did not know the laws of Islam, so he believed that alcohol was permissible and that a person did not have to pray, and the ruling of Allah had not reached him, he is not a disbeliever. And there is no difference of opinion concerning that, unless proof was established to him and he persisted. In that case, according to the consensus of the ummah, then he is a disbeliever. "


    First of all you must be sure that your husband knows about prayer and its obligatory. If your husband knows about prayer and its obligatory as you said in your text and you now know that your husband is fully disbeliever, is he right for you and are you right for him, even one night to touch your body?
    Answer: In Allah`s Book surah Al-mumtahinah (60) verses 10.

    Sahih International
    "O you who have believed, when the believing women come to you as emigrants, examine them. Allah is most knowing as to their faith. And if you know them to be believers, then do not return them to the disbelievers; they are not lawful [wives] for them, nor are they lawful [husbands] for them. But give the disbelievers what they have spent. And there is no blame upon you if you marry them when you have given them their due compensation. And hold not to marriage bonds with disbelieving women, but ask for what you have spent and let them ask for what they have spent. That is the judgement of Allah ; He judges between you. And Allah is Knowing and Wise"

    Sister as you see above in Allah`s judge this man is not your husband as he is not believer and you knew before you married to him, he was not praying and may be you did not know if he was Muslim or not, after now you know everyone who leaves prayers knowingly is not Muslim.

    Now leave this man and pay to him what he had paid to you.

    If you insist in your love to this guy and do not leave as Allah has shown you living with this guy is unlawful then he may drag you towards him and his bad thought, but if you leave for sake of Allah disregarding what evil says to you and believing in Allah only, Allah will give you as a change a nice, religious, righteous husband here or hereafter insha Allah.

    Sincerely your bro in Islam.

  2. Brother Abdullahi

    I want to discuss a serious probelm similar to it..can i discussed in person to seek ur help?

    please tell me ur email adress

    A Muslimah sister in trouble

    Jazak ALLAH bilkhyer

    • Private contact between men and women is not promoted here. Please submit your question as a post and it will be published in turn.

      Wael Editor

  3. Assalamu aleikum brothers and sisters in Islam.

    Zara thank you for your question, I would advice you as bro Wael said.
    Wael jazakallahu kheiran brother for your advise.

  4. Salam Zara,

    I do not claim to be an expert on Islam but am a pious woman who has gone through a lot, especially in marital affairs. I am changing my career (I used to work in the corporate world) and studying to become a psychotherapist to help Muslims and Muslim families and other immigrants here. As a result, I have been working extensively with women who are going through similar issues. As a sister I would be more than happy to chat with you. I am good listener, and sometimes we need someone who can actively listen and empathize. Also, since I have gone through a somewhat similar situation, I am very understanding. Just a friendly reaching out. I know you do not know me so I understand if you are hesitant. I hope things work out for you.

  5. Hello Sara

    its nice if u want to help me , let see what can u suggest me please tell me ur e mail address so i can contact to u in private. May be ALLAH will send a help in shape of u

    Jazak ALLAH bilkheyr

  6. Before you divorce I suggest you see a counsellor . Islamic protocol when issues arise in a marriage, major issues that cannot be sorted out privately between the couple you need to get someone from his side,and your wali and openly discuss the matter. Sincere steps must be taken to try and heal the marriage however sometimes this is not possible. Divorce has been made permissible in Islam for this very reason. There is a lot of negative stigma concerning divorce,but you must know, marriage is not a system in Islam where you must live painfully and unhappy with someone. Zaid ra and Zainab ra were married ,both good practicing Muslims,however they were unable to get along and live happily. Therefore they divorced and the Prophet saw was then married to Zainab ra by Allah swt Himself.

    The objective of marriage is to be a place of refuge, a comfort, a source of tranquilty. Not anguish, stress, and resentment. Your husband is neglecting your rights in terms of intimate needs too,which is also an issue that needs to be addressed. Also, don't accept his lack of religious commitment as the brother has stated above.

    Sister, try your hardest, do what Islam says........pray istikhara, make lots of dua, be patient and invovle your wali in trying to reconcile differences. You will know when the time is right what to do. And do not fear being alone, InshaAllah Allah swt will grant you someone better,just make the proper intention to Please Allah swt . May Allah swt make it easy for you, and guide you to that which is Pleasing to Him.. Ameen

    Be well sister, InshaAllah.

  7. this is the first time i saw someone to advice to leave and get divorce if husband doesn't say prayers,because he is not a Muslim if he doesn't say his prayers, i thought the difference between Muslims and kafar was symbolic as Muslim submit to Allah in prayers and they don't.If someone gives it up for being an atheist or leaving Islam is totally different than for laziness.We always heard that a person who believes in Allah , prophet PBUH angels ,akhrat and says kalima is a Muslim, what if the person is a Muslim at heart and he become a pious man one day? who knows whats in hearts?
    Islam strongly discourages the divorce even if allowed, what if the lady doesn't get a god husband afterwards? what if she never able to marry again? this is not the 14th century when there were many pious ppl around and people would not marry for a virgin, beauty dowry etc.
    what if the kids are involved?
    I am going through a similar situation but i have to stay for kids and i know i would not have a better life if i leave.If this is the case then why dont ulima in islam gives the fatwa to say that women should not marry a person who is not namazi? they should to save the pious woman around.
    I appreciate Shreens advice to seek marriage counseling and involving elders before jumping to the divorce . you might end up with a worst person.

  8. al salam 3alaikom sisters,

    I am in exactly the same situation and I need help. My husband is aggressive, womanizer, dont pray, doesnt want kids and im 27. degrades you with his insulting words all the time. I really need someone to talk to. So if I could get emails from women who went through the same so we can be friends we might help each other get through.

    jazakom allah

    • my sinciere advice to sisters out there who are having problems with their husbands....
      as a matter of fact
      1. try and try as much as possible to change them...
      2. threthen them tht u ll leave if they dont obey allah and follow islam...
      3.and if all fail.. u finally sort for divorce...

      but 1 thing i would like to comment here sister.
      if the man in our life dont value us or our felings and most of all is not scared of the creator
      then wats the point in living with him...

      u try to live up life by supporting and standing on ur feet...

      try to become independent...
      may allah help u...

      but living with such people is better than living a satisfied islamic life

  9. al salam alaykum
    my husband lied to me about his faith he is christian and after i found out he tells me to undo it and i am free to do whatever. we loved each other but all what we do now is fight all the time.
    I love him and he loves me but he was tired of lieing to me so he just told me the truth and told me am free to do whatever .
    he knows it was selfish of him to do so but he wanted to marrie me and be with me forever.
    I am not ready not financialy or mintaly to face devores now.
    I know and so scared to death of being with him as it's haram.
    we don't sleep together most of the time we don't have any intercours at all.

    My heart is broken so as his...
    we do not know what to do??

    • nahar, I can tell you that if your husband is actually not Muslim - if he is Christian - then your marriage is invalid. It doesn't matter if you are afraid of divorce, it is already upon you. Continuing to live with this man would be a sin. If you need more advice, then please log in and write your question as a separate post, and give us more details about the situation.

      Wael Editor

    • Yes you are already divorced. You now have to go seperate ways. Or else you're going to continue to sin big time and then when faced with death, its late. Dont waste time.

  10. Salamu alaikum sisters

    living with a hard - personality-non religious husband will destroy you physically, emotionally,, psychologically, spiritually and at the end will lead you to the unfortunate bath. yes I said physically. b/c if you r frequently hurt, u will remain sad; then, that will accelerate ur age. age is not ugly but the sad face...... the sad face.. ...ur energy sucked off and motivation is no longer there for you. DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME. I AM NOT SAYING RUN AWAY and get your divorce right away. but

    I would say before you change anything in this marriage do those things :

    1. first be independant woman. (that would let him feel that u could live without him)
    2. start counseling with a religious leaders
    3. try to change him by a new style (I.E.. if u used to argue and fight while discusion. change to calmness)
    4. when u dealing with him if he doesn't listen and screams on you. scream on him louder. but then when u show him how bad is it. change to the calmness again. this works (N".B if this person hits do not do screaming)
    5. let him feel that he is loosing you
    6. never give him order instead ask him help to bring solution before it gets late


    🙂 be aware of my advice. never been in this situation before and i am not a professional loool

  11. Assalam walekum,

    • reem, wa alaykum as-salam. Your situation does indeed sound very unhappy. Nevertheless, you must register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

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