I´ve been two months married, I don´t like him.
Before I start typing my post Id like to point out i type shorthand cos its faster lol
ok getting to the serious part,I went to a jamia and alhamdulila I´ve studied there for 7 years and taught there for an extra year. While I was teaching a proposal came to my family and it was from a very good family. Since I was the only daughter in my family my dad re searched about this family in depth and this man because obviously my dad isn´t in a rush to marry me.
I meet the guy and the family, now after this first meeting I didn´t really like him at all, there was no spark, no chemistry if you get me but the family were mashallah so lovely, I loved them already! but when they left I clearly told my parents it was a no, that I didn´t like the guy and that I was sorry.
My mum being very stern told me I should say yes, since the family and the boy were very religious and even in the people in the community confirmed that etc, and even when I said no if they still persist I do, so I went back to my jamia to carry on my teaching and through out those last months of the academic year my mum, grandma and uncle kept pressuring me into this marriage, everytime I had the courage to say no, someone would knock me down from behind and make me say yes, they tried emotional blackmail, islamic talks ect,and the worst thing is that I´ve studied in a jamia for 7 yrs of my life since I was 11 and I knew all this stuff, the worst part is that I never confronted my dad about it which I regret because I see now he would help.
But yes moving on in the end I got pressurized and got engaged, since I got engaged I tried to convince myself that things would be ok that he was an islamic guy and this family would treat me well. Which is easy to do when you are not living with them.
I got married and I loved my inlaws,they are beautiful people and I feel like they are part of me, as for the man although I had no feelings towards him I tried to be as wifey as possible, I tried talking to him, joking with him, cuddling him ect, but from the first night he only wanted one thing :/ and every night was persistent about it, and would not take no as an answer, but me being me I would never let him but we have consumated the marriage and that was it and it´s been less then 2 months since we've been married.
But things have happened but pointing out,this man has a good heart, he would do anything for me and he would get me anything and never say no to anything but his persistents for the physical side gets to me
It got to the extent where he told me wether I liked it or not I had to obey him and fulfill his desires, he even said to me 'why do you think I gave you that mahr money' and I totally lost my temper, because I am not an onbject and yes in fiqh that is the man´s right,but from a humanitarian side he shouldn´t say that to me, I am a person and he always worries about himself.
He´d never divorce me because it woul d ruin his life. I´m 20 years old and he´s 29,when we argue he´ll never let me finish my sentence so he´ll take things I say the wrong way :/ he doesn´t think our age difference makes us any different, he thinks I´m stupid for being moody ect, and I keep telling him I´m way younger and I just left my jamia I haven´t even stepped foot into the outside world properly after being enclosed in such a enviroment I have been in,
I have stopped trying, I don´t talk to him, I don´t go out with him, I avoid him at all costs, he has annoying habbits which I can´t even list because it would take too long. I´ve noticed that my faith has lowered, I feel like a robot when I pray,... only gave into this marriage because at the end of the day you look for deen since it´s the best,and I did,this man is not good looking, I didn´t care, he didn´t give me a lot of mahr, he doesn´t have alot of wealth, he doesn´t have a degree, he doesn´t wear english clothes just jubbas, he can´t drive but I still said yes hoping things would work out and they did not, I feel stuck.
Divorce is something I think about, but you know how family can get, my dads cool with it, he never emotionally blackmails me he just put the offer on the table to leave if I want to, on the other hand my mum isn´t like that, she´ll try anything to keep me here, and the worst thing is she really believes she´s doing it for my own good, I do love my mum and mashaalh she is my role model and I understand she thinks I´m making a mistake, I don´t know if I am.
It´s funny because my auntys,mum,nani ect say that if i do get divorced who says i won´t get married to someone worse, since i hurt this man will come back round to me.
I have no idea what to do, ive done istikharah and my feelings havent changed, and i have nightmares all the time :/
I just wanted the opinion of someone who has no emotioal attactment to me,who wont judge me or my family, just adivse me to do something and please don´t say just try to get along I did and it didn´t work and i have no intention of trying again, i cannot make myself do it, he blew it its his fault,
but yh what can i do 🙁
sias
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Sister
I see this as minor excuses to leave this man. He just wants physical intimacy with you. He has a right to that, he is married to you. Imagine if he demanded it from someone else. How would you feel. Sister did you browse this website and read some of the issues women experience? This is nothing compared to what they go through. You have a good man, who would do anything for you.
"It got to the extent where he told me wether I liked it or not I had to obey him and fulfill his desires, he even said to me 'why do you think I gave you that mahr money".
Could he have been upset that he just mentioned this? Explain to him that you need the time to adjust. That you are new to all this. Because your'll are newly married, he could be infatuated with physical intimacy. Your'll both should be in the mood for this but denying him this right is also wrong. Tell him that you would want to spend more time and build an emotional attachment with him.
Sister don't damage your'lls relationship so soon. Take this time to go out with him. Talk to him. I urge you to take the initiative. Don't consider a divorce- divorce isn't a joke. In time you would learn to love him. Everybody has bad habits and faults. In time you would grow to love him. Physical looks and wealth is'nt the key to a successful marriage. Today you could have money but tommorrow it dissappears. As a person ages so does their beauty. You have a person with a good heart and nobody can take this away from him. You are one lucky sister. You just need to explain to him that he needs to take his time when it comes to intimacy.
Hope this helped
Rumaysa
No offence Rumaysa, but u need to see it from her point of view as well and not just "u are one lucky sister" etc. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. He is 29, not a baby. He should be trying as well. He comes from an apparently religious family but is seeming to act far from what the prophet saw would be like. Physical intimacy is not the only thing that makes a marriage. Emotions are a huge part too. May Allah give this man hadaya on how to treat a woman.
salam sister
I'm sorry that you are having trouble setteling in your married life. See thats what i think it is. You're finding it difficult to adjust thats all- i don't see any major problems in this marriage, (correct me if I'm wrong- this is based on stuff you've told us). Sister everyone is different, everyone is unique, it seems as if you dislike this person cos he's different from you, he has different habbits, good gracious sister thats what makes this world an intersting place!
You can't consider divorce just becasue he's got habbits you don't like- I'm sure you have habbits he doesn't like!
Considering you're so young it seems your being petulent about minor issues and thats not fair.
Of course its another story that you were pressurised into this marriage, that was not fair- and i think you should have been braver then and refused outright. But since you are in this marriage please make an effort.
My adivce to you would be to
1. Go out with your husband somewhere nice and tell him what you've told us.
2. Be patient with him-Allah will reward you for this.
3. Try and make an effort in terms of intimacy and if its difficult tell your husband that you need time, and that you are happy to please him but you need time to adjust to married life.
"just wanted the opinion of someone who has no emotioal attactment to me,who wont judge me or my family, just adivse me to do something and please don´t say just try to get along I did and it didn´t work and i have no intention of trying again, i cannot make myself do it, he blew it its his fault,"
it seems you have already made up your mind- but i'm not telling you to just get along- i'm adivcing you to be proactive and contribute to this marriage- which is a blessing from Allah and you should be grateful for it.
If its really hard for you then perhaps you can spend some time at you parents and think things through propely but please sister don't give up on this marriage- Pray to Allah that places love in your heart for your husband- i think he is good human being.
good luck.
i guess you never should have married him in the first place.. give your self some time out. and decide what to do... can you really picture yourself being married to this guy for the rest of your life
assalam aleykum sister... despite the wrong way your "love story" began, dear count your blessings.. Mos women would wish to be in your shoes including me..Try as much as possible to talk it out with your husband to get to the root of the problem..May Allah bless your marriage and let no evil eye see your marriage
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband or his family. Based on what you've said he is a very decent and honourable man and is the kind of man most women desire, or at least should desire. He has waited to get married so he can be intimate and you think that's treating you as an object. What about the fact you mention his education and his wealth, is that treating him like an object too?
You are being ungrateful if you even start to think of his wealth, how much mahr he gave you etc. So don't mention these things and don't think of them.
The elders should never have pushed you into this and truth be told everyone who will read your question will say the same, if you are that unhappy, end the marriage, but often what happens is that you get divorced, marry someone later who you like and then you realise just how good your first husband was.
You know whats the best option, but whatever you decide, start appreciating things you are lucky enough to have, such as a good honest husband that many other women desire.
Assalaamu alaikum sister Sias.
I'm sorry to hear about your family pressuring you into this marriage. That is not islamic - we all should have the right to choose our partners with no pressure. Saying that, you did agree and you are already married so I do agree with the other readers that you need to work on your marriage. You cannot just give up on it - you are married to him. I understand being young how when things get tough you just want to discard them, but you cant be impulsive in marriage. Divorce is hated by Allah swt and is only used as a last resort.
Try to build an emotional connection with your husband. Sit him down where there are no distractions and tell him how you feel - dont accuse him in anyway but try to work on building an emotional attachment between you and your husband. Why don't you try 'dating' him? Go places. Do things you both enjoy an try to compromise. Make sure you are also happy in other aspects of your life as well, so you can be happy with him.
I understand that him demanding intimacy would make you feel hurt,he should approach you in the correct manner - but look at things from his point of view hes very likely to be frustrated. Men often see rejection of physical advances from their wife as a break to their ego. Also men express their love physically. Women emotionally. So its likely both of you are feeling hurt and rejected. Him because he is trying to be close to you, you because of his manner. You are speaking different 'languages' and need to learn to understand one another.
Try to look at his good points. He seems like a nice man. And work on this together. Sister the first few months are tough, important so start trying to work on this ASAP. This is more cultural advice my elders often say, but I will give it anyway.
At the beginning of the marriage you are learning about one another & adjusting. Your laying down the foundation. Don't lay it down badly. Its very important that you are good to him (always of course, but more so at the beginning) If you always try to fight him for the 'power' or upper hand in the relationship he will fight you back and may abuse his position (treat you like a servant).
If you take care of him, be good to him and be obedient yourself at the beginning he won't enforce his views and demand you obey him etc. You will get more freedom and he will treat you will. I have seen both of these happen - its largely true.
Let him be the king and he will make you his queen. Fight him for the throne and he will make you his servant.
Also know that you will get immense reward for fulfilling his physical needs, it may help you 'bond,' just dont refuse him. Do it willingly- and Allah will be pleased with you. and InshaAllah it will be more enjoyable if you are emotionally attached.
Sheikh Yasir Qadhi does some amazing courses which I think you will find very useful so look into that if you can!
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
May Allah swt help
I'm sorry if this is too blunt but sister you seem really immature mentally to be in such a relationship.
I mean from your comments...u talk of it as though your husband is committing a crime by wanting physical intimacy with you. He has a right to that, thats what u offered to give him when u signed the nikah contract..and yes he has a right WITH or WITHOUT your liking. Of course, its ideal that both work together in every way in a marriage...but ur complaining of him wanting intimacy with you....and that u dont wanna..and judging from what you have said..any husband would turn around and say what your husband did about the mahr. He is right.
He married you, payed your mahr, is supporting you and as you say urself, "this man has a good heart, he would do anything for me and he would get me anything and never say no to anything "
Sister, wake up. Do you realise how many women are dying to have a husband like that?!
I honestly think the problem is with you...u need to be available for him sexually whenever he demands it. You claim u studied in jamia for 7 years..in those 7 years sister, u must have come across hadiths about the wife attending the husbands needs(sexually) even if her hands are in dough etc?
was salaamu alaikum
The sister, is young, she has feelings and needs too. Perhaps what she desires is a some emotional intimacy and some wooing and not just jumping to the 'act'. And I am sure that is what it must feel like to her, just an 'act' if she is not feeling happy about it the physical side.
It is a known fact that men like to show love through the physical act of intimacy, whereas women want understanding, talking, canoodling and charming.
They both need help to understand each other's needs (which are different), and then find a way to try and please each other and make each other happy, its not just a one way road. So if the sister wants some courting, dating, talking, canoodling, hubby needs to understand it. If he doesn't, then wifey needs to explain it to him. But firstly she needs to understand that hubby's chemical make up is somewhat different, thats why he shows love in a way different to hers. And vice versa.
Sheikh Yasir Qadhi's short videos will be great for the sis to watch. I shall dig them out and post a link here.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SisterZ,
I don't think in this case it's a lack of foreplay or lack of build up on the male part, it's quite clear this young lady is displeased whatever the husband does. Whether he attempts to make love to her, his lifestyle, his habits etc she is unhappy/displeased altogether.
I think the advice we need to give her is not about what she needs to tell her husband, because from what we can see, the husband is very nice and eager to please, I think we need to explain to this young lady she needs to fix herself up. She needs to either accept her husband for the way he is and let's face it, if she can't find faults in him, then there is probably none.
I advise sias to learn to show more respect and understanding towards her husband.
Personally, I don't think she's not very mature, she's still more of a child than an adult. Hopefully she matures quickly and hopefully that will help her become more easier towards her husband.
Also I don't mean to offend when I say she's more of a child than an adult, it's an actual statement which we commonly use where I'm from to say that a person is not thinking rationally, but irrationally like a child. Hope that is not misunderstood.
@john, true.. I also thought that she just need time to adjust..
I don't agree with you at all Mr Fisher.
To be honest, were I in her shoes, I think I'd feel pretty much the same as she is herself. So it can't be her age, as I'm a good wopping 15 yrs her senior. Actually upon reading AbdulWali's reply, I completely agree with him. He's spot on.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think, it was wrong for her parents to force her into marriage. However, as she agreed, she should make an effort. Try talking to him. If however, she feels that she just can't stay with him, she has the right to leave him. It's her choice.
On the off note, "personally I don't think she's not very mature"- That's a double negative. They cancel out and make it seem as if you think she is mature. . .
The issue here is not that of the husband deeming sex to be a 'physical' act only etc...so why make it like that?
Look at the way this sister herself has put it..she did nto want to give him any form of intimacy at all to begin with after marriage. What would justify that? She did not mention anything about him not being able arouse her or conducting himself 'wrongly' when wanting intimacy....
Its clear from much of what she has said that she simply does not understand the importance of sexual intercourse in a marriage, that especially for a man.
I think we should be blunt and make her realise her mistakes instead of blaming the poor guy here who IN HER WORDS = this man has a good heart, he would do anything for me and he would get me anything and never say no to anything "
I counted her saying 'do anything for me n never say no' to include him trying to please her sexually too...only if she was interested in that though.
I agree with what John says.
Was salaamu alaikum
i agree 110% with faith.
the sister is not young.
if 20 years old in this modern age is too young or immature, then wallaahi there is a moral degenration.
you're saying she is too young, and there was mother 'Aa-ishah, at 9 years old.
Assalamu'alaikum,
This is the perfect example of what happens when we pressure someone, whether it is a man or a woman to get married to a person that they are not comfortable with. This is not just about her not wanting to have physical relations with her husband. She said that she didn't like him from the beginning but her mother and other relatives pressured her into it. When he told her "'why do you think I gave you that mahr money', how was she supposed to feel? Is she there only for sex? She could have said no to marriage but the pressure still would have been there. I'm sure they wore her down until she said yes. Remember, she is young.
She said it herself, she loves his family but she doesn't care for him and never did. That should have been the end of it. The family should have left him alone so that they could begin searching for a suitable mate for her. When that search begins and they find someone, she has to approve.
Clearly this is not Islam. No one should ever feel as if they have no choice in who they want to marry. When it comes to matters such as this, culture needs to be put on the back burner and let Islam come to the forefront.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Abduwali.
isnt a condition for a marriage to be valid that the bride should be agreed? She aggreed for her family, she accepted with Niya. Actually she must think that after marriage,maybe it ll be fine. its not fine. If i was her, i would have divorced. she doesnt admire anything about him. even if he has quality, she wont see them cos she doesnt simply like him.
I really sad for this young girl to be with a man and sleep with man under this condition.
I know a girl who had exactelly same situation, after a month she divorced. Now she married another man (also arranged but she liked him), she is very happy.
She should make istikhara,.
Good luck my dear
There are so many wonderful responses to our sisters question that I couldn't help add my two cents here. My daughter has had two men from very good families ask for her hand. Both men were good upstanding citizens and had good backgrounds. Each were well educated and she would never need for anything financially. As her mother, I so wanted her to say yes to one but...she said the same thing "there was no chemistry". As she is my daughter I have to respect her decision. That doesn't mean I didn't try to talk to her and encourage her as a mother should but in the end, I needed to respect her decision. I have seen way too many marriages end up in divorce because the parents did not listen to their child when they spoke. I have spent the last eighteen years raising my daughter...why would I not listen to her when it comes to choosing a spouse? I shall pray for this young sister. I hope you will simply not give up on this marriage but seriously give things a try for the sake of Allah. If you find that you are miserable (and who knows...maybe he is too), you should end things amicably.
Assalamu'alaikum,
Sister Najah, you clearly understand the importance of allowing your daughter to decide whom to marry. What everyone seems to be focusing on is the fact that this young sister does not want to have sexual relations with her husband. My question to those who are focusing on this is how you convince yourself to enjoy sexual intimacy with someone you are not attracted to and have never been attracted to. Sisters, ask yourself are you willing to fake your desire for someone every day when you know deep down in your heart that you never cared for this person on any level and you only married him because you were pressured to do so.
He may be a nice person and he might be willing to do anything for her but that doesn't change the fact that she is not attracted to him. She did tell her family that she liked his family but she did not care for him. Still they pressured her to marry him. It appears that her family was more concerned with their status in the community and not her happiness.
As sister Najah said, far too many marriages end in divorce because parents refuse to listen to their children.
We need to raise our children so that they have the ability to make good sound decisions. Our young girls need to know their rights as wives and the husband’s rights. Likewise, the young man should know her rights as well as his.
Part of the problem is that far too many parents are ignorant when it comes to Islam. Culture gets mixed up with the religion and then we have a mess for generations to come.
Also, some parents are very happy treating their sons and daughters like babies, No matter how old they are. When they are finally old enough to marry they still are unable to make a decision so they have to defer to mom and dad. What we have done is a great disservice to our children.
Insha’Allah this cycle will be broken with education.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with brother Abdul Wali and sister Najah here.
The sister was married against her wish, and this should the end of all the argument here.
Everyone who put the blame on the sister Sias, please read the following excerpt from the book: Muslim woman and her husband:
Assalamu alaykum,
May this reach you in the best of Iman & Health.
To my dear sister in islam Sias, I empathy your situation and i hope all will be well soon.
Remember:
Our Prophet (pbuh) said: "Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath." [Tirmidhi]
"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief" (Qur'an 94:5)
"No calamity befalls on earth or in yourselves but is inscribed in the Book of Decrees – before We bring it into existence." (Qur'an 57:22)
"...Bear with patience whatever befalls you...." (Qur'an 31:17) and "Be not sad, surely Allah is with us." (Qur'an 9:40)
If you read the Qur'an you will see that all the Prophets went through trials and tribulations. Life is a test so let us learn from the best examples of our Prophets. "Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty, ailments and were shaken." (Qur'an 2:214)
We should know that if we are pleased with our Lord, He will be pleased with us. And if you are pleased with your Lord no matter what the situation is, then you will find that you have earned your Lord's pleasure.
Sias i understand your difficulty and what your feeling is normal any person in your shoe would feel that way, I'm 20 too and about to get married wallah at first i was not happy with my engagement and i felt no attraction towards my fiance several times i tried to break my engagement but it never worked subhanAllah, i supplicated to Allah swt many times i cried and wished to wake up one day in a place far away i felt my iman decreasing and used that against him that his not good for me. Nevertheless i continued to supplicate to Allah swt i asked him to enlighten my heart and eyes to see whats good for me, i sat down with my self many times and i pondered over the islamic reasons for marriage. I asked myself several questions:
whats my intention for marraige
how do i want to bring up my kids
what environment do i want for my kids
what sort of person do i want to be...etc
I realised my intention and every muslims intention for marriage should be to get closer to Allah swt.
I want my kids to grow up to be pious people to be able to help this ummah
I want my kids to be in an environment where Allah swt and our beloved Prophet pbuh is mentioned a lot, i want them to be surrounded by people who love their religion.
I want to become a better muslim, i want to carry the characteristic of a true muslimah, i want to be an obedient worshiper..etc
Then the question of whether that person will help me achieve all of these or not popped up!
And the answer was YES! because he had the islamic knowledge and the consciousness of Allah swt.
Sias what i want you to do is to sit with yourself and ask yourself what is your main goal in this dunyah what is it that you want to bring out, what kind of a life do you want to live, what kind of a man were you looking for before hand and compare him with your current husband ..you are a wise and educated women dont let anyone tell you otherwise your going through a rough time and your mind is scattered everywhere dont take any immediate decisions as yet be patient.. After you feel calm and less emotional speak to your husband pour everything out in the table tell him whats in your heart, communication is the key to success my sister. Tell him that you like the way he dresses but you prefer if he dressed differently sometimes tell him what sort of cloths attracts you trust me if he understand his religion he would know that he too needs to put some effort in looking good at the front of you. Tell him to get his licens say that you prefer him driving you everywhere *use the skills that Allh swt has given you*...I am sure you have realised by now that i condemn you asking for a divorce straight away you need to try before you call it quits. Everyone has shortcomings but in order to live happily we need to overlook them if they are not major..
"The road to prosperity in relationships is paved with a commitment to generosity toward your partner"
Remember Allah swt will question you..I believe that you have been wronged by your family they shouldnt have pressured you but the only reason they did that is because they believed you will be happy in this relationship..May Allah swt forgive them and forgive you....Have trust in Allah swt it is He who fixes the affairs, strength your relationship with Allah swt and you will find true happiness..
In end if things dont work out remember it was decreed for it to end in that way, and if everything workes out it is from the Mercy of Allah swt...
I hope you will find comfort and an answer in my response...May Allah swt give you whats best for you and may you come out of this trail feeling stronger in your iman.
Astaghfirullah li walakum
fi aman Allah
Thuwaybah,
MashaAllah that was very good advice. As I said before, I agree fully with AbdulWali. It was wrong that this sister was emotionally pressured into marrying a man whom she was never happy with. But now that she is married, I believe it is best for her to try to see if things can work and you have given very good advice for this. If after all this, she still does not feel that she can continue in the marriage, then Alhumdulillah, Allah has given us the option of divorce for a reason.
Sister Sias, I do feel for you. Do not confuse yourself by talking to too many people now. As Sister Thuwaybah said, make a list of things you want in marriage, taking into account that people do have flaws. Ask Allah to put love and attraction in your heart for your husband and to make things clearer for you. Give yourself time and be honest with yourself, living your life a lie will be most painful.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
yes but i must ask one thing
in islam in why should one decide if there's any chemistry? i'm a devout young muslimah myself and yes although i know i should have a choice to say no why should i if the prospect has no flaws ?
didn't dr zakir naik say that we should learn to love,,, not marry the one we love but love the one we marry ?
In order for 'love' to develop, one must actually 'like' the potential and have an initial mental and physical attraction. If we were all to marry someone based just on piety and character, we'd be like robots. There needs to be a connection which is an individual thing, it may spark with one and not another. Without that, it would be like some had taken the electricity out of the light bulb. Thats my opinion.
The Prophet(saw) also recognised personal attraction as being important in a marriage.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asslaam O Alaikum sister Sias,
Sorry for my late reply but I agree with everything what most of the commenter have said above. There are quite a lot of things which were over looked and not discussed before marriage just because the brother in question (your husband) is a practising/religious Muslim. As everyone has said that attraction really matters and it cannot be ignored when getting married after all, we don't get married every day/week or month. There are mistakes, made by both sides. Your parents should have allowed you both to get to know each other before getting married (in Halal manners) in order to see whether you both are compatible with each other, have mutual understanding, find each other attractive and have common goals in life. This makes it also very important when the age gap in quite big (9 years). Others may not agree with me but you are quite young to be honest, you even may not fully understand yet that what are the responsibilities as being a wife and then mother etc.
Also sister, you just got married, I mean 2 months is nothing when it comes to know each other fully and accommodate. It takes months and sometimes years to get to know one's other half. No matter what we say sister, you are married to your husband and whether you like it or not, you have to give it a try unless you want to separate from him just after 2 months of marriage. Remember sister, neither you nor your husband are to blame fully for all this but the system/culture that we are all part of is to blame. Our parents expect us to get married to a person who we don't know nothing about, never saw, never met and then live happily ever after.
One thing I would like to say that your husband should never have said that; I have paid your Mehr and now you have to be fulfil my sexual needs even if you are not attracted to me. He should have sat you down and have tried to speak to you with logic and good reasoning to persuade you in a good manner rather than treating you more of an object that he bought from a market. Sure there a Hadith of the Prophet (PBUH) where he said that a wife should fulfil her husbands rights but if there are any problems then they should be discussed before hand. One of the hadith I remember as follow;
‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3065; Muslim, 1436).
So sister, think about it as you are committing a sin here and I am sure you don't want to see your husband looking outside for what he can't have at home for whatever reason and then commit sins which lead him to fire of hell.
On the other hand a husband should also maintain himself in a way which his wife find attractive and is happy.
Ibn `Abbâs said: “Indeed, I like to dress up for a woman in the same way as I like it for a woman to dress herself up for me. This is because Allah says: ‘And they have upon you similar rights to those you have upon them in good dealings.’ And I do not like to exact from her every right to which I am entitled, since Allah says: ‘and for the man there is a degree over them’.” [Tafsîr al-Tabarî (1/625)]
I would like to say that sister, whatever has Allah swt has blessed you with say ALHAMDULLILAH and work toward improving your relationship with your husband. There are a lot of sisters and brothers who are struggling to find the suitable spouses for themselves who are caring, religious/practising, respectful at the same time. Remember sister there is nothing as PERFECT MIX or IDEAL in this world, and we should be thankful to Allah swt for whatever he bestows upon us. IF nothing works then sister you have the right to divorce your husband but remember there is no guarantee you will find someone better than him. Try to look at his qualities and help him improve where you think he needs improvement. May Allah swt make things easier for you and may the outcome of this situation be the best of the best for you both. (Amin)
Your brother in Islam, Muhammad1982:)
Editor,
Islamicanswers.com
and remember allah knows best. even if things are difficult now inshallah one day youll be happy and realise why allah has done it this way
Dear Sister
You should not be thinking about divorce just right now. Go to your parents house and stay there for a while. Date your husband outside and talk him over the phone. Write down everything what you think of him and how can he improve himself and he can do the same and hand over to each other and read it later. If you dont like his clothes he should change his style then.
I think he is not your type. He is not someone who you look up to and get a protective feeling. You are not impressed by his personality. Do not tell his weaknesses to your family just yet. When you have tried all options then talk to your dad about all the issues. Give your best shot so you never look back in your life and say I should have tried. You should look back and say I tried for Allahs sake but it didnt work out for me.
Its very hard to give your body to someone you dont like at all. But trying for Allahs sake will give you satisfaction. The way the Nikah is a blessing, divorce can be a blessing in some cases. Islam is the religion which has solution to the problems. But make sure you dont abuse the right of divorce.
May Allah gives you peace inshAllah...........Remember fear Allah and when you finish with someone finish it in best of the ways that other person thinks good of you too..............
Assalamu Aleikum Sias,
I can't believe that there are people here who advise you to stay with a man you didn't choose. You
said yourself that your family was emotionally blackmailing you, they urged you to marry him, you were
under their influence. Dear Brothers and Sisters, what do you think a forced marriage is???? Do they take
handcuffs and drag them to the mosque? No, it is the emotional and psychological pressure of the extended
family unit that makes them act against their will. This is your life and absolutely nobody has power over
it apart from yourself. Islam even allows the guy to see the hair, legs and hands before marriage, including
a private conversation in a separate room. Religion is of course an important factor, but physical attraction
is as important as faith. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, you don't consider him good-looking. Girl,
that's a severe thing. I have to defend him in terms of intimacy. It is one of his rights not to think of anything
else when you two are alone at night. Needing it every night shows his sincerity and his deen because
masturbation is haram and he doesn't want to turn into a haram direction. Don't misunderstand me, but
when he is demanding "it", does he think of your desires as well? Do you explore each other or is it a one-
way road? As you probably know, women have almost more rights in intimacy in Islam than men. I don't
want to say more, just simply wondering that you aren't happy about his approach as so many women
on this website are complaining about their husbands who are neglecting their rights and don't make an
attempt to give them any kind of affection. So I can only draw the following conclusion: you weren't ready
for marriage, as you mentioned to him that you think your age discrepancy and your lack of experience
in life play a role. This makes me angry. Look at the condition of our communities. The parents either don't
care about the desires and maturity of their children by preventing them from getting married or they literally
force them to get married earlier than they want it. Come on, what is this. This makes me very angry and I
wish I could help you. My husband' s sister had a similar problem and it took her almost 2 years until she got
her divorce( in Iran, so don't you worry). Anyways, please file for divorce. Normally, it should be the last
resort, but this was against your will from the beginning. You're playing with this young man's life and you
don't consider him to be a good match either. He hasn't deserved this. You don't seem to be mature enough
for having sex or building this relationship and sister, no problem. Your parents have forced you to make
a decision against your will- the result is the unhappiness of another human being who was eager to
get married and have a wife. One reason why people get married is to satisfy their urges, as I said, both
husband and wife have rights in this field. Sister, you have to learn to stand up for yourself and demand
your rights as a Muslim woman without others being able to influence you to such an extent. I know what
it feels like to have dominant family members, especially an overprotective mother. It is your right to set
boundaries, and even if everybody else is unhappy with it, and they start blackmailing you which is a form
of manipulation, you still have the right to set them. This is your marriage, so you can end it without consul-
ting your family. The strong influence of the family in Islamic countries has to be discussed. Salatel Rahem,
that's fine, but interference and manipulation go much further. Respect yes, but shouldn't it be mutual?
This dictatorship of older generations over the younger ones rather reminds me of communism, but never
mind. Sister, listen to the bottom of your heart. Religion is important, but are you in love?????? Are you in
love with the person you married? Do you love spending time with him, is he all you ever wanted??
I can't tell you the usual advice one gives Muslim women like, be patient, it's going to be fine, give him
a chance. No Sister, this is the time to take responsibility for your own life and your actions. You said
yourself they pressured you into it. If a woman doesn't like her husband's looks, and you seem to dislike
many other things as well, she has the right to file for Khula . I want to give you one little hadith at the end:
One day a woman approached Rassul Allah. She told him oh Messenger of God, I don't like my husband. He
is of good character and has good manners, but I simply dislike him. The prophet annulled the marriage
right away, whilst she assured him she would do without the Mahar. At the time of the prophet it was so
easy, and we terrrorize our kids?? Mashallah, no wonder the Qur'an says Djahilial - ula, the first
Djahilia. As long as we don't change our mindsets, we will never get out of the state of Djahilia.Sister,
please don't waste your time and the time of the brother if you didn't want him from the beginning.
Jazakallah and good luck, forgive me my emotions, it just made me sad
I've only read half of your broken response but I must state that you shouldn't say why has Allah done this. Remember allah is the greatest of all and there may be some good behind it and I believe there is so please don't state such things Take care:)
You mention that your father never pressured you to this marriage. So the fact that you were emotionally pressured is baseless to me. You chose to accept this proposal. Now already you wanna get divorced?
Your immature and will NEVER be happy or find contentment if you have this attitude. GROW UP !!!!!
ALLAH (swt) has blessed you with this man. If you wanna throw it away its your choice. But know that divorce
shakes the arsh of ALLAH (swt). Its the most despised halal act. Grow up and start pleasing your husband. Salaam Alaikum.
Sister sias,
Was thinking about you today, your a year younger than my daughter and it makes me sad that such a young girl is in a marriage that is so miserable. I think your biggest problem isn't necessarily age, it's the fact that you felt no chemistry from the beginning. It's unfortunate for you that your mother and other family relatives pushed you and never heard a word you said. I have seen so many young girls end up exactly where you are and they have all ended a miserable marriage with divorce. However, I have also seen these beautiful young girls spend the rest of their youth alone and unmarried with no children. What a waste of a life...so sad.
As you could very well be my daughter, I would like to offer you my advice here. Please...ask your husband to sit down with you and talk. Talk about your feelings and allow him to tell you his. You felt no chemistry however you went through with this marriage even though your gut was telling you not to. I bet if you try to open up your mind and your heart, you will see that this man is a wonderful person. You both just need time to get to know one another. If you are fighting him and he you, it just makes for a miserable existence.
Wake up tomorrow, make your husband breakfast and tell him, "Good Morning". Make it a new day...a new leaf if you will.Try to find the good in him, I know it's there. Have you ever considered his feelings in all of this? Men do not handle rejection well at all and he's probably really hurt that you don't seem to want to be with him. Be happy that he wants to have relations with you every night rather than go outside and seek what he needs. I'm not saying be a robot here but again...you both need to talk to one another about your feelings on this and other issues that concern you.
After 30 years of marriage, I personally have been to hell and back on many occasions but I know that no man could ever love me the way my husband loves me. We are both stubborn and neither one of us will back down in an argument (that get's me into trouble a lot). But somehow, we always find a way through it all and end up just fine. I will be thinking of you and praying for both of you. God willing you both will find a common ground for peace and love with time.
Salaam
why is it that fathers marry their daughters to an unattractive man who isnt intelligent as her and not on her level
the prophet[saww] said "Idhaa khataba ahadukum al-mar'ata fa'in istataa'a an yandhura minha ilaa ma yad'oohu ilaa nikaahihaa falyaf'al."
"If one of you proposes to a woman and if he is able to look at of her that which motivates him to marry her, let him do so." Abu Daud & others (hassan
so yes sister, beauty, and attractiveness is very important in a marraige.
a father should seek for his daughter a God-fearing good looking, good smelling, physically built, intelligent man who will please his daughter.
you should balance everything together.your father should've asked you whether you like his level of taqwa, charecter, his appearance and his finantial situation
but since the damage has already been done and there's no going back.
i would advice you to just ask Allaah to show you something pleasing him in you.
try to make a better man of him,
1 support him in worship to Allaah,
2 buy him some good, attractive clothes and ask him to put them on for you,
3 buy him alot of expensive perfumes and oils to put on his hair etc.
4 give him physical pleasure
5 push him to get educated and work hard in order to find a good job.
6 get him a gym membership and help him get fit.
7 always say something good about him so he may be further motivated.
Allaah ma'ak
O wow when i read this i remebered my own situation just like u i am the same age and he is 9 years older and his looks are not so great although he has some beautiful features over al i couldent like him psycially i got married cause i thought that maybe that stuff comes later but i have been married alittle more then you and its not here yet, but the diff being that i do love this man( in a weird way and i know beyond doubt tthat he loves me to pieces) so i am gonna try but i dont think u should. heres something i found that gave me strength when i thought i wanted to leave, but i never ever want to leave although my situation has quite a few similarties as urs its also very very diff. i would adivse you to do wat ur heart tells u. u did ur istakahare and that was gr8 i am proud of you and as for marrying young yes i know i am the same age as u and sometime i cant handel the stresses and not really knowing who i am yet cause just like you i have barely stepped out my own house.
Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the sister of ‘Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behavior, but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “Will you give his garden back to him?” - her mahr had been a garden. She said, “Yes.” So Allah’s Messenger sent word to him: “Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce
i am so proud of you cause i read this and some of the comments and i cant stand what some ppl wrote they should not say crap to u cause god knows no one can live with a man they cant give there body to cause they want to. thats to hard and you derserve a man who can love and u can love dont let any one tel you diff. your strong and you listented to ppl and did wat u were told but now try listning to your heart everythings possible with faith.
i think you need to talk to him not talking to him will worsen the situation but talking with him will let you know about him and he knowing about you, so you say him how do you like your husband to be that you have so and so dream, make him understand, if you dont like his dressing gift him something which you like him to wear, make him understand like he has desires even you have desires so its the equal responsibility of husband to do those duties share your dreams with him , inshallah he will try to fulfill those dreams , sister divorce is not the solution, what if you get more worst guy then this? so try to share your dreams and views with him he will understand you and if Allah wills evrything will be fiine, tc (divorce is no solution)you said you have the best in laws so take time make him undestand your dreams and views evrything will be fine
khudahafiz