Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My unforgiving lies

Secret relationship, secret marriage

Asalaamalaikum,

i am 40 year old Muslim woman. I have committed sin by having an affair with married Non Muslim guy. I knew I was committing zina and hence I convinced him to marry me. We had a secret nikah in presence of two witnesses and Imam. However we didn’t register the nikah. I stay with my parents and he stays with his wife and two daughters.

I have lied endlessly at home in order to meet him three times a week and occasionally to go on trips with him. Although he has been attentive towards me and very loving as well, I have fought with practically on every other day due my guilt and overburden of lies which I tell my parents. He had agreed to marry me with the condition that I will never leave him nor fight with him on a daily basis. He told me that he understood the situation but didn’t want to leave his wife since he will lose his kids and there will be huge financial impact for him. Though I understand his situation I have still continued fighting with him.

Six months back, he got a job in different country. We decided that we will live together and have a kid and inform our parents. I visited him for a short period of 1month but due my personal issues at home I couldnt apply for a work visa to stay with him. In the meanwhile he decided to call his wife and kids to stay with him. He said that his kids are small and they were missing him a lot. I somehow feel so betrayed and I have been in pain ever since.

I feel Allah has punished me for lying to my parents and for committing zina. I have stayed in touch with him over phone. He repeatedly tells me to come and stay with him. He says nothing has changed, just that he didn’t want his kids to suffer. Yet I have told him that after such betrayal, I am unable to trust him. He should give me equal amount of time as a full time husband. He says that’s no possible. So I have told him that we should break up. I don’t know whether I am doing another sin towards my husband. I am in so much pain and I feel so burdened with everything. Also I want to tell you that we both want a kid. He is completely ok if the child is raised a Muslim. As I am aging, I find myself thinking about him continuously and about how right or wrong is my decision. Though I have not spoken to him for a week, I feel my pain doesn’t go away. I  am so lost. I have started feeling suicidal. I know I am probably the worst person on this earth. But please I beg you to guide me.

Zarah

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5 Responses »

  1. Sister Zarah0404 ,

    Please note that a Muslim woman can not marry a non muslim unless he converts to Islam with real intention .This marriage is Null and Void and your relationship with him comes under the category of Zina( if he is non muslim )

    I don't understand why you are making your life so complicated by marrying a already married man and that too a non muslim .
    .

    I suggest you to leave him and repent sincerely from Allah and make your Imaan stronger before deciding about future course of action .

  2. Honey, what you are going through is not some kind of punishment from Allah. What you are going through is merely the consequences of your own bad choices - you have no one to blame for your state of mind and current situation but yourself. I mean, I'm surprised that you thought you could get involved with a married man with children of his own behind his wife and your family's back and expect your situation to be a lovely walk on roses. Are you really that unintelligent, unaware and naive?

    You need to stop blaming Allah for the pain you are going through, and start accepting accountability for your own choices. No one forced you to get involved with a married man, that was your own choice. No one forced you to lie, to be a man's second option, someone's secret, etc. This is all what YOU chose to be, not Allah.

    You need to stop viewing yourself as a victim, because you are not. You are an adult woman that made some bad choices...now what you need to do is fix the mess you have created for yourself. In my opinion, you need to come clean about your relationship to your family, his family and to his wife...and if you cannot do that, you should get a divorce and move on with your life.

    Also, if your husband is not Muslim, you don't really have a marriage to begin with, because Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslim men.

  3. Dear zarah,

    As above, your marriage is void to this man. A muslim women cannot get married to a non muslim man.

    You have been commiting zina with a married man. how would you feel if your husband was to do this behind your back? to see anouther women and secretly marry her? put yourself in the shoes of his wife.

    This man is already married. He has choose to live with his first wife and kids, for whatever reason he has given you.

    he understands how much this actions hurts you, yet he has made it clear, he will not leave his wife, nor will he spend equal time with you as a "full time husband".

    This man also cheated on his first wife, and married you behind her back. This says alot about his character.

    Had he been serious, he could have told his wife, and asked you to make this marriage public as a second wife, but it seems he wants you as a mistress,(married you and not register marriage, as im assuming you are in UK and this is not legal) so you will never legally be recognised as his wife or have any rights, and placed the condition on you not to "fight with him". what are you gaining by this?

    This marriage was also done in secret, although you said you had witnesses, i am assuming this has been hidden from family, friends. marriage is supposed to honour, and protect an women, hence something to be done publically, not in secret. this is why you are overburdened with all this sadness and guilt.


    you need to cut contact with this man. this marriage is not valid. anything done in secret is done in secret because deep down we know its worng and our actions must be hidden.

    nothing is impossible with sincere repentance and dua. repent for the wrongs, and focus on repairing your relathionship wth your parents and allah.

    ask them to help you look for a suitble spouse for you.

    if you continue down this path, yo uwill only cause yourself more heartache and grief, and will back here months/years from now

  4. As @Lindita Said Your marriage isn't valid since his a non Muslim man . May Allah bless you , please repent because it was Zina before and after the Nikha . You aren't his first priority because his kids are then his first wife. Tell your parents don't hide it and cause more Sins . Tell him our marriage isn't valid because you aren't Muslim. You either become one or leave him Marriage wasn't valid no need divorce . Tell your parents so they find you a Husband . Just because you are 40 doesn't mean you have to unviable yourself. Age doesn't give you kids Allah does . Don't give up Allah loves you . Repent make a correction

  5. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah sister Zarah,

    Others have already given good and correct advice in terms of your situation, so I won't comment on that.

    However, I'm surprised no one has pointed out the first condition of marriage for a Muslim woman - and that is the permission of the wali (Muslim father, or if he's non-Muslim or not correct state of mind, then the grandfather of the woman, then the uncle, then the brother). And the wali ("guardian"), of a new Muslim woman is the khalifa of the state, or in the case of today, that responsibility goes to the imaam.

    Our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam said:
    "Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian ("wali"), her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.
    But if the marriage is consummated then the mahr is hers because she has allowed him to be intimate with her. If they dispute, then the ruler is the guardian ("wali") of the one who has no guardian."

    Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ no. 2709. (source)

    Our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam said:
    "There is no marriage except with a wali (i.e. permission of the girl's father) and two witnesses of good character."

    Narrated by al-Bayhaqi from the hadeeth of ‘Imraan and ‘Aa’ishah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ 7557. (source)

    Note that the Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) mentioned it 3 times in order to stress the importance of the permission of the father (guardian).

    And as "Star" pointed out above, the other condition of marriage is that the man be a Muslim.
    Even in the case of a Muslim man, despite widespread misunderstanding: it's not permissible for him to marry a mushrik, until she believes, nor an unchaste woman.
    i.e. he has the right to marry a believer in Allah from the "ahlul-kitaab" (people of the book): a Christian or a Jewish woman, however, on the condition that she is "al-muhsanaat" (chaste/virgin/pious/virtuous) woman!

    (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste/virtuous women from the believers and chaste/virtuous women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time, when you have given their due Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends.

    - al-Qur'aan, surah al-Ma'idah 5, 5.

    And it should also be pointed out, that Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala mentions (one of my favourite ayah): -

    Bad/unchaste/impure women are for bad/unchaste/impure men, and bad/unchaste/impure men are for bad/unchaste/impure women.
    Good/chaste/clean women are for good/chaste/clean men and good/chaste/clean men are for good/chaste/clean women.
    Such (good people) are innocent of (each and every) bad statement which they say, for them is Forgiveness, and Rizqun Karim (generous provision i.e.Paradise).

    - al-Qur'aan, surah an-Nur 24, 26.

    Thus, I implore you dear sister to turn sincerely in repentance to Allah al-ghaffaar, seek his forgiveness and turn away from bad company. Perhaps He (ar-razaak) will provide for you a good pious spouse from places you could never have imagined?

    And may Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala al-wahid ul-qahhaar forgive us all for our shortcomings, and strengthen our imaan and love of the aakhira over the fleeting/temporary pleasures of this life.

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

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