Parents refusing him my hand on cultural grounds; What can I do to convince them?
There is no place for racism in Islam
Asalaam'walaikum,
I have an issue and do not know where to turn.
Ill start from the beginning. My family are very good alhumdulillah-I was brought up by my parents to be open-minded, outspoken, capable, ambitious. My father has always pushed me to achieve my best.
When I started secondary school, I was sent to a different school away from my brothers, as it was one of the best schools in my area, and things were good, but the older I got, the more secluded I felt from my family. I would come home later then everyone, I would miss dinner, and by the time I came home every body was occupied doing their own thing. I was very good in the sense I would always do my work and listen to my parents would hardly go out.
But as I got older, I began to relise trends in my parents behaviour. My mother and me have not always seen eye to eye, and I suppose that is due to language barrier as I speak predominately English, but she speaks mother tongue which we hardly speak at home-we would always fight over everything as she is very cultural. So anyway, long story short, I began to realise my dad always pushed me to do what he wanted and if I didn't want to he would get annoyed or make me do it anyway, for example, he wanted me to be a doctor, when I wanted to do law, he wanted to me to go to a certain sixth form when I didn't want to. But anyway I didn't really mind then, Alhumdulillah he always wanted whats best for me.
The problem is which I have realized now, is that in pursuit of getting excellent grades and studying, I lost my deen and my connection with my family. So I met someone, and he gave me company, affection, was just there for me when I needed someone. He really helped me connect back to Islam. and pretty soon, we wanted to get married. We have known each other for 6 years. I know in Islam we should look for character and piety over everything and no lie, but hes character is so good, alhumdulillah-thats what I have fallen in love with. I have known him through rich, poor, ups and downs, and throughout everything hes character shines through.
The problem is he is from a different cultural background. He told his parents before I did, at first they did not agree, but after a couple months they were happy. I told my mum, and she completely flipped out, her reasons being 'how am I going to show my face to people? etc' Its been 8 months now, and his parents want to come around to my house, so I spoke to my mum and told her to tell my dad. She again flipped, but did tell my dad. Now my dad is usually a very open minded person, but I think my mum said a few extra things to him such as 'your daughter thinks she can convince you to do whatever she wants, this is your (my dads) fault, people are going to think you educated your daughter this much to marry someone outside.'
So my dad sat me down, and basically said to me no you cannot marry him as he is from outside, it doesn't matter about his deen, we were made from different tribes for a reason people are very tribal, and theres no point us argueing because I don't want to dislike you and I don't want you do dislkike me so lets leave it there ok and that's it. He basically hasn't given me a choice, and is once again trying to control what I do. I prayed istikhara which is why I proceeded with this anyway. I honestly feel as though my parents emotionally blackmail me, my entire life they have stopped me doing anything I wanted by saying things like 'we are very weak hearted, and if you do this, who knows what will happen' for the smallest things like if I don't get good grades, or if I come home little bit late.
So basically, their reasons are his culture, and how my little sisters going to get married.. I don't know how that relates-apparently when it comes to their time, people will reject my sisters based on the fact that I have got married to someone outside??? Surely IF this is the case, then this is good riddance as this shows how narrow minded these people are anyway?
So what else can I do? Are there any articles or videos I can show my parents?? there is no local mosque I can go to, and there are no other elders in the family so I am stuck.
Jazakhallah,
Help123.
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Salaam Sister.
I am very disheartened to read your dilemma its completely unfair when traditions and culture comes in the way of what Islam says.
Allah Almighty says in the following surah:
Chapter (49) sūrat l-ḥujurāt (The Dwellings)
Sahih International: O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.
Pickthall: O mankind! Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made you nations and tribes that ye may know one another. Lo! the noblest of you, in the sight of Allah, is the best in conduct. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware.
Yusuf Ali: O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).
So what if the person you want to marry is from a different culture, marriage is to unite families and to get to know other people and their customs. Our Beloved Prophet Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him, married women from different tribes to bring the tribes closer and be united. What should matter at the end of the day is if the guy is decent and has imaan. Yes some can argue that there will be differences in culture and clashes but how are we to widen our relations if we only stick to people from our own culture.
You need to speak to your parents most likely your father as it seems you have a close bond and tell him from your heart that if you want to be married to that person then islamically you have the right to do so and that the person you love is what you are looking for and has helped you get back on track.
I have heard these backward comments where people always blackmail the families by telling them to think of their other daughters who will marry them, its just stupid and baseless. I dont see the harm in marrying someone from a different culture and it wont and shouldnt affect the other daughters. if we keep trying to please what others think then we are just going to ruin our own lives. yes people will talk so what and for how long will they talk not forever!!!
Sister tell your parents that you should do istekhara and take it from there as its your life at the end of the day and they shouldnt disagree with who you want to spend the rest of your life with unless the guys not right. They shouldnt worry what others say and many people marry from different cultures it doesnt mean they have sinned they have married to complete half their deen
inshaallah i pray your parents do come around to it and in the meantime just pray to Allah that if this person is right for you for both this world and hereafter then make it easier for you to get married to him
take care
Asalaualaikum sister Help123,
Show and Tell your parents to read this story,
JEDDAH — The love between an Islamic preacher with special needs and a Holy Qur’an teacher has turned into marriage.
The touching story began when Abdullah Banimah, who is completely paralyzed appeared on a satellite television program talking about spreading the message of Islam in several countries in the world.
When his future wife saw the program she immediately told her father about her desire to marry him because she admired him for courageously facing up to his disability and for dedicating his life to Islamic preaching.
Their dream turned true Tuesday when their friends queued along the road leading to the Al-Salam Wedding Hall in Jeddah to wish the couple a happy married life.
Abdullah had almost drowned in a swimming pool at a sports club in Jeddah. He had remained underwater for 15 minutes. This caused a great deal of damage to his brain which resulted in his paralysis.
The incident made him change his life completely by dedicating it to Islamic work.
Dhaiffallah bin Saad Al-Ghamadi, the bride’s father, said: “My daughter, who works as teacher for one of the Holy Qur’an memorization schools in Jeddah, chose Abdullah on her own. After insisting she wanted to get married to him, I bowed to her will.”
Dhaifallah said the reason for marrying Abdullah is for them to work hand-in-hand in the way of Allah.
Omar Banamh, the groom’s father, said: “I have nothing to say but to pray to Allah to crown this marriage by blessing them with pious offspring.”
He said he hoped Abdullah will see his children grow up with no disability.
Abdullah was ecstatic about his marriage.
“In the beginning I could not believe this was her desire. She really surprised me. I will never ever forget her noble stand and insistence on accepting me as her husband. I pray to Allah day and night to enable me to make her happy for the rest of my life.”
He said he will never forget, for the rest of his days, the many people who had gathered to wish him a happy marriage.”
Whew! What a story. Number of points there.
1. There do exist such people Masha Allah. The daughter, her father, her family should all be praised. Imagine yourself in that situation. Would you do that? Or would you allow your daughter to marry a crippled man? What about the extended family? She belongs to Al-Ghamdi family, which means she comes from the so-called “high society”. How difficult would it be for people to disregard social honor and societal pressure?.
This is why these people are special, masha Allah. May Allah increase their guidance and bless them with good in this life and the hereafter. These are the role models of a society. They deserve coverage in the media. People need good examples.
2. Look at the zeal they have for Islam. Look at how this man’s life changed after a tragedy. So the tragedy was the beginning really. A beginning of a journey insha Allah to achieve the eternal.
3. Despite all difficulties, if Allah wants to bless someone with something, it will come to you. Who would have thought a paralyzed man would get married in the first place? He not only got married, but got a wife who is Insha Allah better than many women.
4. Look at the noble way in which the woman approached the issue of marriage. She fell in love — a genuine liking for the man and wanted to marry him. She spoke to her father and her father approached the man’s family. This is so noble. It’s the pure path Islam has facilitated for men and women — marriage. At stark contrast is the lewd path, where men or women express their feelings to each other and fall into Haraam and illicit relationships. A slippery slope that pulls people down the pit of lust. There’s no love, purity or chastity — there’s only pain, selfishness and desires that turn human beings into animals.
Wa Alaikum as Salam,
Include source, sister :). That helps is verification. Because Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:
`Umar bin Al-Khattâb, may Allâh be pleased with him, said: ``It is sufficient lying for a man to speak of everything that he hears (meaning: without confirming it)''
(Muslim)
The link for this article is: http://www.saudigazette.com.sa/index.cfm?method=home.regcon&contentid=2010021863786
Jazakillah Khair
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ahh okay. I will but I read it from
http://blog.iloveallaah.com/2011/10/a-different-kind-of-love-story/
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Nice story.
I guess if she show this article to her parents they would put her further down as the wonderful women described in the article cannot be compared to the OP and her parents knows it. This is because, the OP took the ' lewd path ' (where men or women express their feelings to each other and fall into Haraam and illicit relationships. A slippery slope that pulls people down the pit of lust. There’s no love, purity or chastity — there’s only pain, selfishness and desires that turn human beings into animals.) for 6 long years, 6 YEARS !! her parents might aruge. In that beautiful story, the woman fell in love with that man because of his 'DEEN', everyone should be proud of it, as our Prophet said to choose the religious person so that we may prosper, but unfortunately in the OP's case, she fell in love only because of his 'CHARACTER', whereas 'deen' should be the priority or both together, basically, there is a difference but what I'm saying is that, she is at wrong and she should repent sincerely for Allah to forgive her, guide her and shower blessings on her. But she'll have to face the consequences of her deeds, possibly, family breakdown, broken heart, depression, lost of loved ones, loss of faith etc etc, This is one reason why pre-marital relationship is forbiden in Islam.
@ Help123, whatever it is, now you have to make a decision and "hope" for a happy ending which seems less likely in your case, your best course of action would be to listen and do exactly what bro Abu Abdul Bari advised, nothing less.
May Allah guide you.
Though you are right, the parents aren't even disagreeing because of deen! They are racist.
Part of our problem is that we expect our children to remain out of these relationships, but throw them into this environment everyday and expect angelic behaviour--the parents should consider at least meeting this man and seeing if he is suitable. If they have an unIslamic reason, you will just end up with children rebelling because they will say you use deen when you want and don't, when you dont want.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Parents are not to be blamed for the sins of their children, once the children are taught about Islamic morals, the parents jobs are done and if the children becomes evil, its between the children and Allah for they weren't ignorant, unless ofcourse if the children aren't taught proper Islamic morals, the parents can be blamed. So basically, its also possible that her parents seek 'compatibility' and not just the OP's personal decision which can possibly be infatuation or something else, that's why they talk about culture.
I think you are confused. I said:
We have known each other for 6 years.
That doesn't mean we were in a relationship.
It means we have known each other through means of sixth form and university as we were class mates.
Assalamualaikum,
Sister, this kind of discrimination is common among memons today, I presume your parents share the same mindset.
Your father was not correct about the creation of tribes. Allah Said:
49:13
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُمْ مِنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنْثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ
O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.
Also show them the following Hadith:
It was narrated from Abû Hurairah that the Prophet said: ``Women are married for four things: Their wealth, their nobility, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust.'' ( Nasai-Sahîh )
Whatever tribe she comes from, if the deen is good, then there is no option but agreement. Allah does not see tribes, he does not look at our faces, but what matters is the taqwa we have.
It was narrated that Abû Hurairah said: ``The Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: `Allâh does not look at your (outward) forms and your wealth, rather He looks at your hearts and your deeds.''' (Muslim)
The following hadith from Tirmidhi, which is Hasan Gharib, can also be relied upon, in sha Allah:
Abu Hâtim Al-Muzani narrated that the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry (her to) him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil ( Fitnah) in the land and discord ( Fasâd). If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil ( Fitnah) in the land and discord ( Fasâd).’’ They said: ``O Messenger of Allâh! What if there was something about him?'' He said: ``When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry him.'' (And he ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said this) three times.
If the man's character is something that trusted people vouch for, and he is actully what he portrays, then your guardianship may pass on to the next male relative (from your father). So you can approach your brother, or some other older Mahram who may agree with your relationship. But keep in mind that this is after you have tried all avenues to convince your father.
And until you get married, better abstain from being alone with him anywhere and talking to him in privet. Perform Salatul Istikhaarah before beginning anything and before talking to your father. In sha Allah, He Will open the way for you, if this man is good for you, your deen and dunya.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
W'salaam
Jazakallah for all the comments-they have bought comfort to me.
I have been communicating with my mum regarding this constantly, its just my dad. I really need to talk to him properly, not where he tells me and I listen, but where he actually listens to me with an open heart inshAllah.
Assalamu Alaykum,
Dear sister, could you please update us of how things followed up ? I'm in a similar situation right now, it's extremely difficult and I would really love to hear what happened next with you.
Thank you.
Nizar, are those your photos on your link? They are absolutely stunning.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor