Salam, everybody. I'm asking also on my sister's behalf cause we have the same problem.  I'm sorry but I'm apologizing in advance cause this might be also be considered a rant but I really need help.

Our problem is with my mother, but since our father doesn't say anything to defend us, I guess you could say we have problems with both of them. My father is always on her side. " Don't anger your mother or you'll regret it. You know how she acts, so please to learn to live with it."

She NEVER admits her problem. She INSISTS that her mother intuition is 100% correct. My mom is not the type to listen to reason. With every argument she takes advantage of how Islam favours the mother's role in the family. Mother is number 1. It's always mother, mother, mother, and then father.We talk about our problems with her and the topic always turns 180 degrees towards her and how hard she has it being a mom with our dad always at work and we're looking at each other and texting each other when she's complaining, "This isnt even our topic .." She ALWAYS uses the guilt method and ISLAM against on us. "I gave birth, took care of you, gave you everything you wanted, and this is how you treat me?" I got everything I wanted cause I barely ask for anything .. -_-

"Words from a mother's tongue may be prayers and I try so hard to not say vulgar and offensive things to ruin your future," she says. It's cause we've been rebelling against her. Talking back, defending our side of the arguments (which turns out to be right but mother never admits it), and etc. Now my mom thinks we're cold-hearted. She keeps saying that its a sin to hurt your mother's feelings.

Perfect example of such an argument was two hours ago. College doesnt start for another month but registration opened midnight which is roughly two hours ago online. We specifically told her that if we needed to get in a class that we should do it immediatly at the stroke of midnight. She told us to wait until later today to talk to a counselor for class registration but we insisted to so we did about 45 minutes later. The classes we need got FILLED quick and my sister was put on the waiting list. She told our mom if she hadn´t insisted to talk to a counselor, she would have gotten in the classes she needed.

She went berserk! She complained about us blaming her. Mother told that sister hurt her feelings for misunderstanding cause she thought we needed to talk to a person from the school when we SPECIFICALLY told her that we need to apply online ASAP. I'm the one that asked my mom to go talk to the counselor just in the event of emergency questions. When I went up to my sister's room to defend her and to explain to mother that it was my wantings to talk to a counselor, mother told me to shut up and get out of the room. In every argument, she makes excuses to make her side look innocent. She doesnt let anybody get in that might make her look the guilty one.

My mom was born to parents that was spoiled by their 6 children. My grandparents basically did nothing my mom says. Even with the 2 maids she had when she was our age back in Asia, all my grandparents did was cook and provided money. She's expecting us to do the same in this generation? She compares us to her friends and siblings' children by impling "oh her kids are so nice blahblahblah." When I compare her with OUR friends and how worse they treat their parents she says "You're comparing me? All I've done for you can´t be compared. You have to look at the good examples not the bad influences." Our mom feels under-appreciated. She keeps implying it cause she never says "I'm underappreciated" but we both know she is on how she treats us. We cook for her, massage her on a daily basis. Sometimes she makes us run back and forth to get her the right cup of water, tea, hot chocolate, or whatever she wants. "Oh its too cold, reheat it" -rushes back downstairs to warm water- We go from the other side of the house in our rooms to to bring her warm water when she's 10 foot from the dispenser and the microwave and she's on Facebook. "This glass tastes uses. I told you to use new cups for me." We use foam cups so we'd save time doing the dishes and she says to save the money and reuse cups but since she's "mom", she "deserves" to use new cups. It's like what the heck?

We have asked my parents if we could get a job and move out and they just laughed at us. "Your school isn´t far and plus you're going to a community college anyways .. We can take care of your expenses so there's no need for a 'job' and no you cant move out until you have a decent job and you're married. " What's the rule in Islam that relates and describes moving out and/or marriage?

Mother have always told me that Allah SWA has all the answers and paths for me. If anything have gone wrong it means HE is testing me and I havent found the right path yet. I believe it 100% but as of right now, I dont know what path I'm in. I feel like I'm betraying mother but at the same time I feel like she's always against my sister and I.

I have asked people about my problem but I've always left out Islam as a part of the equation cause I figured they wouldnt understand so I'm asking for help here. All of the answers I've gotten previously by asking other people for advice but they end up saying for my sister and I to move out if we dont want the treatment cause it's Mom's house and her rules if I live under it. I can't stand living in this house treated like this but I'm stuck because I have nowhere else to go.

I've asked plenty of times with other advice help locations online but I'm a devout believer and practitioner of Islam and I'm asking help for help with other fellow Muslims to get some unbias help. I dont know many Muslims around my area so I can't get religious help.

MIC

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam MIC,

I am sorry about the frustration that you are feeling towards your mother. The biggest issue that I can see here is the anger and frustration that you are feeling around all of these topics. The greatest advice I can give you is to try and detach yourself from the anger and frustration - because whilst you are angry you are in a state of weakness, and the reactions and responses that you are feeling are influencing your thoughts and emotions and making the situation worse rather than better.

The truth is that we cannot change others through being angry and frustrated with them: but we can impact our environment by being calm and away from anger. Every single time you have an angry or frustrated reaction to what your mother says or does: you lose. You lose because you have lost control of your faculties and you have been infected with a destructive emotion.

So step one for you is to practice the skill of detachment so that you can act and think clearly - outside of any emotional power that anyone has over you. This is a practice, and it takes effort and time to master. First, the next time you are in conflict: instead of focusing on what your mother is doing and saying that is making you angry, look IN - towards yourself and search inside and assess the physical impact that these angry feelings are having on your being. Become aware of your heartbeat, and your breathing, the feelings in the stomach and eyebrows and the tension in the body. Then, right there as you are in the situation - practice to let all of those tensions go, get your heartbeat back to normal, release the eyebrows and the other tensions - let the shoulders fall and bring your breathing back to how it normally is. As you practice this art, you will start to become very aware of your own emotional responses to situations and you will begin to discpline them so that the anger that you are feeling can be discplined and controlled by you. If you practice this exercise every time you interact - after around a month, you will begin to feel a liberation from anger.

Step two is to see your mother through the new perspective that you have cultivated by removing anger and frustration from your perspective. What you will see, is not this monstrous woman who prevents you from doing things: but simply a woman, who has a certain way of being and certain reactions. Once you remove anger - you will see that when you are in these dialogs with her -all that is happening is that there are two females in a room (you and her) and that actually, there is no invisible power controlling anyone, and there is no need for feeling the way that you feel, because you really are free to take whatever action you choose. Once you get to this stage, and you cultivate this perspective, you will begin to gain a sense of freedom.

Step three is to cultivate absolute responsibility in your freedom and liberation. Once you have freed yourself from anger, and you have managed to see your mother as a woman (and not as an all-powerful tyrant as you do now), you must then practice the art of being responsible with yourself and doing that which you know is right at all times. This means that if you know that you must apply online for something by a certain time: there is no dialog or argument - you simply do it. When you feel that something is unfair or unjust, there is no long, drawn out argument: you simply state. Because you are free from anger and frustration - you will be calm, and when you speak - your voice and your body will reflect this, and others will pick up on it and you are more likely to be heard. When others around you fall to anger and frustration, you will be able to see it clearly and exercise influence over it, with responsibility.

Step four, is acceptance. This will come automatically when you practice the three steps above and the day will come where all of these things that are frustrating you about your mother, will make you smile and fill with positivity - because by this stage you will have stopped fighting and trying to change what cannot be changed, and you will feel a space in yourself in which you can accept what is, and stop battling it.

If you can practice these things as I have said, and if you focus inward on self discpline and cultivating a way of being which reflects and practices calm,  free perspective and responsiblity: you will notice a massive shift in the way that you interact with your mother and in the way that you feel about your life.

When we are frustrated and angry we fight - with either ourselves, or with others. We try to change what is, and to do this is to be as a fly stuck in a lampshade, buzzing around furiously and exhausting ourselves to the detriment of our mind and body. But if we stop for a second, and look around - with the right perspective, we can stop: take a look: and find the way out.

Happiness will follow.

Peace,

Leyla

Editor, Islamic Answers