Islamic marriage advice and family advice

She broke off our engagement – now her family are going after my reputation

lonely man, losing her,

Asalaamu Alaykum

Pls I need help understanding if this is just me hurting or is this wrong.

I had a female friend that I had never met before. We spoke over the phone every single day but we were in 2 totally different cities 1400km apart.

One weekend I ended up in her city and we met for the first time. There was just something between us even though we had never seen each other, this was also when I met her mother. After seeing her I went back to my home town and told her I liked her and would she be ok with my family coming to ask for her hand. She said yes. I told my family about this. Her father wanted to meet me so I flew up to meet him. I told him my family would contact them for a date to have an engagement. This was the time she took to tell me she couldn't explain why but that she loved me.

After I left for home she started having doubts whether she could move to my city because her home was all she ever known. She asked if she could make Istikara for 3 days. That I had to believe she loved me with all her heart. I have my own businesses and I couldn't just uproot. I offered to call her family to call it off she begged me not to. Before her 3 days were up she told me she wouldn't be able to live her life without me.

We set the engagement for 3 months down the line and every now and again she would have the moving fear again. Her family was also putting pressure on me to make nikkah saying It was haraam to be engaged or even talking to a girl I was not married to over the phone. I did not see her till the engagement. We got engaged and almost immediately pressure for a wedding date was put on me. Even being engaged I could only see her a month later.

During this time we made plans. I had a job offer in Dubai willing to pay me a stupidly high amout of money and relocate the 2 of us. She told me to accept it. She kept telling me how much she loved me and that she wanted to see me so I flew up again and spent time with her and her family. On the last day I was there I noticed that she wasn't talking much. I cut it down to the fact maybe she didn't want me to leave. She kept saying the next time we saw each other could be when we got married once the Dubai job came through. Not even 3 days after I left she stopped talking to me over the phone saying she was busy helping with Ramadhaan shopping. I understood but a week and half later Ramadaan had come and I asked why she wasn't answering her calls. She told me during this month she made time only for Allah. Everytime I asked how she was doing she was never home "making time for Allah".

Then I found a cancerous mole which was still in the early stages and I told her about it. She didn't seem phased at all and my mother joked she hope that a mole didn't scare my fiance away. I carried over the joke and her silence said it all.

She blurted out that she didn't want to marry me anymore because she didn't love me in that way. She loved me as a best friend. That she felt that way since the first time she made Istikara. That was when I wanted to end things and she stopped me declaring her love. So if she didn't love me then why come this far only to tell me.

Everything about her changed. She became very cold toward me. I also had gotten ill with a very high fever and ended up in hospital. She didn't seem to care. I spoke to her mother who said that her daughter made up her mind and she would call my mother to end everything. There was a point that my heart literally slowed. During this time her mother calls mine and tells her that my fiance is no longer interested. Then asks how I am doing. My mother still angry and not seeing why it was any of their business anymore said I was fine. But I wasn't.

Her family started calling me a liar and that I'm pretending to be sick. They got very nasty. Even saying that a watch that I had paid a lot of money for was a fake. It was insured. You cannot insure a fake. They became even nastier.

So after breaking my heart they went after my reputation.
Now I'd like to know what does Islam say about such deception and after breaking my heart trying to discredit me?

I need some kind of advise because this is really hurting me.


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8 Responses »

  1. Wa 'alaikom alsalam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh.

    Brother, don't see this as a bad thing. See it as a blessing and evidence that Allah truly cares for his worshippers. You were about to marry a woman who is obviously no good and gain in-laws that are just as bad. Alhamdulilah Allah showed you the truth before you made the mistake of your life and married her.

    Give thanks to Allah and ask him for a righteous wife. Forget her and all about her and be happy.

    And may Allah cure your illness and ease your hurt and help you move on.

    • Allhumdulilah, your words hit the chord for me.

      My fiancée of one year recently ended our engagement as well 3 weeks before the nikkah.

      A sudden and abrupt change of hearts. Though I started feeling uneasy of her parents, and her dominant and aggressive nature - I had still developed feelings.

      Nonetheless, Allhumdulilah - after continuous istikhara - the situation went from bad to worse every single time istikhara was prayed. A firm sign from Allah - knower of the seen and the unseen.

      Jazakallah Khairun for contributing with your advice.

      • I'm very glad my words helped in some way. Don't lose faith in Allah, as long as you keep turning to Him, He won't turn His back on you. May seem like it sometimes, but He doesn't.

  2. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    What your mother said was completely appropriate and any mother would feel angry. I suggest that you and your family completely ignore them. If it gets worse, perhaps your father can make it clear to her father that their daughter has ended matters and so it is best to end this drama.

    On another note, I do suggest that you do not talk to girls on a daily basis either in a friendly or romantic way. Involve your family in any engagement process and if you want to get to know the girl, do so with the knowledge of elders on both sides.

    May Allah help you through this pain and move on so that you can find a pious and loving wife inn shaa Allah, Ameen!

  3. Brother,

    The only advice that i can give you is dont care what anybody thinks abut you. They can spread all kinds of lies and rumors, but you know the truth and thats good enough.

    Stay on the straight path, have good friends, keep yourself busy with knowledge and deen and forget about the rest.

    This is a great thing she left you, can you imagine if she married and you caused the same type of drama- alhamdulilah brother, you are lucky.

    Be patient, and inshallah make dua for a righteous spouse who will be with you in this life and the next in Jannah inshallah.

  4. Salam brother,
    A male and a female can both talk to each other / be intimate with each other ONLY after they are married to each other.
    If they want to know each other well before marriage and want to do so then they can do so with the presence of the female's wali like her father.
    She was not willing to marry you from the very beginning but she couldn't tell u because maybe she is too nervous to tell you or maybe she thinks you are all well qualified and well educated and so rejecting your proposal would be stupidity or maybe she couldnt tell you because she might be under the pressure of her parents.
    You are alhamdulillah very lucky to be told about her real face before marriage by allah. So instead of being depressed and worried be thankful to allah that he saved you from all the future worries! Ask for allah's help and guidance.
    And allah knows beat

  5. Assalaam ou alaikoum

    I agree completely with the first commenter, don't see this as a bad thing. You nearly married this person, Allah has saved you from her just in time. She's obviously not a good person. I think you would have been put through hell by her, and also by her family. There are some bad people on this planet, and when you had a close call like this you should be gratefull and thank Allah. I know you don't see it like that at this point, and that you just feel hurt and humiliated right now. But after a year or so you will be able to look back on it and think: 'Alhamdoelilah'. When you are in the middle of a situation it is very difficult to see clearly, but once you remove yourself from it you can see the obvious. Being in an unhappy marriage can destroy you, but alhamdoelilah all that she's done right now is bruise your ego. Stay far away from these people and let them try to destroy your reputation if they like. You should treat them like they're dead to you. You shouldn't waste one more second on them. Ignore their calls, and so should your parents. The last thing you should do is try to defend yourself or your reputation to them. They can't destroy anything but their own destiny.

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