Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife’s past and trust issue

wipe away sins purify wash

The Prophet (saw) said,“Islam wipes out all of one’s past sins.”

Assalamualaikum brothers,

I'm married for 8 months now alhamdulillah

My self and my wife aren't perfect and we aren't pious.

The thing is while we were still friends, we fell in love, but one day, while I was browsing through her phone, (mind that she always checks my phone), I found out that she had kissed cheeks and mouths with four different guys before me. This left me disgusted as I found out that she also chat dirty on web cam and talk dirty on phone. Somehow it drove me crazy and made me ask all the guys whether they have kissed her more than face and have touched her private parts or not. Somehow alhamdulillah they all never did more than that. Once she also went to a hotel with a guy because she was running away from home. The guy and my wife confirmed that they just sat a while in the room, not side by side, then he left her there. He sweared wallahi he never touched her private parts nor did he do anything to her. My wife swored to me many times she never did more than face level kisses and never hugged from the front, as in the guy never felt her body except side hugs. It disgusts me because I never did those, i belive in marriage, and because I found out not from her mouth but by mistake. Then while we were engaged, this guy from her class texted her to come and see him play football. That guy has no respect towards us as fiances. My wife also held hands during orientation of class because they were doing some sort of circle where guys and girls participate. I told her i never touched any girl since we were together. But she lose my trust. The past still can be forgiven but she knows shes engaged and hold hands because she thinks its just a game or activity.

The problem now is, i cant shake of the fact shes kissed and simple hug 4 guys, and tongue kissed which i hate to imagine.

I still accepted her because i love her and believe everyone can change. But how do i get over that she now is a new person, her body is different and new, her soul is clean as she has already repented. Anyone has similar experience or worse?


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7 Responses »

  1. Yes ive been in a similar situation.
    I used to love a girl, But we had broken contact because of her going to Uk to study.

    Anyhow she came back after 4 years and i decided to get in touch with her. Biggest mistake. Because not only did she not lose her feelings for me...i was the same...still in love with her.

    I also found out that she was in a serious relationship and used to meet the guy for those 4 years. Its obvious what transpired between the two (the girl later confirmed her physical relations as well when i asked her point blank). This was much more painful for me since i hadnt done and havent done any such physical haram with a girl.

    So i had to overcome my love for her and let her go. It was very much so that i wished i had never met her...and i guess she feels the same now.

    Anyway thats my experience.

    I hope Allah forgives us and guides us all.

  2. It seems both of you are not following basic Islamic values like hijab and lowering your gaze etc ..i suggest both of you to join some Islamic classes and follow Islam properly ..despite all good efforts if she continues relationship with other men the divorce her ..there is no reward to keep a immoral wife in nikah .

  3. As-salamualaikum warahmatillah wabarikahtu dear brother,

    I pray that Allah blesses you and your marriage, because I think what is transpiring right now is a classic example of shaytan's favorite pastime: destroying marriages. Brother, YOU married her. Don't forget that now it is and was you who have had (halal) physical relations with her as her husband and it is you who will continue to do so alone (Insha'Allah). Are you forgetting the reason why you married her? All those traits of hers that stood out from the sea of females out there in the world. Have you forgotten the promises you made her, that you will love her unconditionally, if for nothing but Allah's sake...or did you marry her for only for her beauty, wealth, status, or your lust:(

    Well have you?! My beloved brother in Islam, I want to remind you that you said yourself that YOU and your wife are not pious: "My self and my wife aren’t perfect and we aren’t pious." So you too have issues that I'm sure you'd be not only embarrassed but mortified if your wife found out and confronted you. Did you ever watch porn, masturbate to a fantasy, or have not lowered your gaze when you were supposed to? What about how you claimed you were " "friends" when you fell in love? "The thing is while we were still friends, we fell in love..."??? Um, you do know men and women (boys and girls) can NEVER be " just" friends... There's always either a crush involved or lust of some sort.

    My point is this: either let it go and give it to Allah and BE GRATEFUL that you have a wife at all, let alone one who loves you so much she would reveal such personal things openly just to try and prove her innocence and give you peace; or, you let her go and find yourself in a situation just like you put her in by Allah's will... Don't forget, you are both adults who signed a contract with Allah; remember that a marriage IS a spiritual contract as much as emotional and physical. Both of you need to become pious and follow the perfect examples of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and the many men and women who followed that perchance you too may become as perfect as you can be!!!

    My amazing brother... Don't destroy your life by forgetting that everything happens with the permission of Al Khaliq. So put your complete trust in him and get your own act together. Please read and READ and read some more of the Qur'an... And REFLECT on it. It will solve/answer all your doubts in life. Seriously.

    And Allah knows best.

  4. whats the problem with that. past is past. she was virgin at that time is nt enough?, we all make mistakes forgive her.

  5. Bro, past is past. Everyone do mistakes and can fall into error but the best among them is one who repents and recognizes his mistake. You believe that she's now a changed person an has regretted her past and is very faithful to you then there's no need to overthink about it, seek the refugee of Allah when satan whispers to u.
    For give her. Allah will make everything easy for you.
    ...And let them pardon, and let them overlook. Do you not love for Allah to pardon you? Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Quran 24: 22)

  6. Aslamualaikum

    Past is past but she must do tobah and follow the rules and regulation in islam and definately.. You must have to follow the same and u have to help her in this.. Atend some islamic seminars or claes and mahfils and better to get these arranged at ur home.. Ask mufti sahib to address on womens life in islam.

    Becuae it is clear that she is totally away from islamic values... That haplens when ignor islam saying.. This is jahalat and we are modern
    ALHAMDULLAH... Islam is perfect religion. Learn it ur self teach it to ur wife with love and politely with making some plans ans arrangments.. And teach islam to ur childrens as wel.. Make ur house a muslim house.. I gurantee u a happy and blessed life.
    May ALLAH bless u and ur family and show u right path. ameen.

  7. Make a decision and get over. Do not drag yourself and your wife in gilt trips for rest of your life.

    If you can forgive her, do it and forget what mistakes she made. If issue is beyond forgiveness for you and you can not move on in life with her, then adopt the halal way to end the relationship.

    But don't make yours and her's life miserably on an ongoing bases for the rest.

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