Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will I be forgiven by my husband for the sin of intimacy with my lover before marriage?

woman in regret, sad, depressed

Assalamu alaikum,

I am a 23 year old muslim girl who is going to get married next year with a pure muslim guy whom my parents chose for me. I was in love with a guy from my college till my engagement. (my engagement happened so suddenly in a matter of 2 days after knowing about this alliance).

Initially I cried a lot to my friends and cousins but later I changed my mind seeing my family condition. Mine is an very orthodox family with great reputation for my parents. I dont wana spoil their names by telling about my love on my prior to my engagement.

The guy whom I loved cannot bear this and he cried and fought like anything for me to not to leave him. But in the 3 years of my love life life with him I asked him many times to come and speak to my dad along with his family. But since he was also studying he couldnt ask because of job. He is somewhat convinced now and I pray to almighty to provide him with a prosperous and blessful life in both dhuniya nd aakhirah.

Now I got engaged and my fiance is a very nice person who started to love me deeply now itself. I have committed some sins during my college. I haven't had sex with my lover... but we used to kiss, hug, and touch each other intimately. I haven't lose my virginity but we have seen each other nude.

Now I wanted to turn to allah completely for forgiveness and repentance. I truly feel ashamed for my sins.

I am in a big confusion as whether to tell my fiance about this or not. I am scared that he will stop this marriage or his love for me will reduced. If this marriage is stopped... then my parents can't bear that shame. I sacrificed my love for the sake of my parents reputation and happiness. I dont want that to go in vain.

Please help me.

  • should I tell my fiance about the sins I committed?
  • does the sin I committed come under zina? (I haven't had intercourse ever)
  • What should I do to erase all my sins and to make allah forgive me?
  • Please answer asap        assalamu alaikum


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18 Responses »

  1. Asalaamu alaikum if Allah conceals a sin you do not reveal it ie. Dont talk about something that Allah covered for you. Seek forgiveness in sha Allah the slate is wiped clean and dont talk about it to anyone.

  2. Salam .You are not even legally married.So why worry.Anyways you are weak in deen .This is serious because only the correct faith and practice will lead you to a blissfull life!!!

  3. I hope this finds you in good faith.

    Don't tell your husband or if he asks, say you have a past bUT you aré still chaste. Do not go inot détait, i repeat, dô not ever go inot detail. You didn't commit Zina but you did commit a sin by showing your ahwrah (sp?) to another man. You seem remorseful, so as long as you disconnect all ties with the past guy and repent sincerely to your Rabb and thank Allah for preventing you to go further than touching with that other guy.

    You're lucky. A lot of girls here have gone all the way and would be in a lot more trouble. Your test won't end here, there will be more. But as far as I'm concerned, you'll be okay.

    I hope this gets to you in time.

    • Nanachant: say you have a past bUT you aré still chaste.

      That is like opening a can or worms. Her husband will keep asking her and will loose trust as she will tell him more and more.... many Asians when they see a girl talking to a boy (non-mahram) assume they are in a sexual relationship.

      She should not even say she hugged or kissed.

  4. Salams Nas,
    DO NOT tell him anything ever.Just do your repentance and move on. Focus on being a good wife.If he askes you about your past, do not tell him anything.You don't need to say anything. If you even hint you had a boy friend in your past, you should know that you are ruining your marriage and your husband's peace of mind.

  5. Salam. I agree with Astar101. Allah says in the Quran that on the Day of Judgment, I will say to my believers that I hid your sins from the world and I forgive you for them today. Basically, if Allah has given you the blessing of hiding your sins from the world, and then you go and confess them yourselves, you are kind of going against his will. I would strongly suggest that you keep this to yourself. This will not help your marriage in any way. I can understand the guilt you are feeling. What you should do, is finish all contact with your ex and be only for your husband. If he is such a good man as you say, it would be a wrong to him if you stay in contact with your ex. Pray to Allah to forgive your sins. The fact that you are feeling remorse is amazing. It shows you are a believer. Pray to Allah to forgive your sins and trust that HE will make sure everything turns out in your interests.
    I wish you a Happy Marriage.

    • Where in the Quran does it say this bheather?

      • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

        It is actually a hadith...

        Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) as saying:

        He who alleviates the suffering of a brother out of the sufferings of the world, Allah would alleviate his suffering from the sufferings of the Day of Resurrection, and he who finds relief for one who is hard-pressed, Allah would make things easy for him in the Hereafter, and he who conceals (the faults) of a Muslim, Allah would conceal his faults in the world and in the Hereafter. Allah is at the back of a servant so long as the servant is at the back of his brother, and he who treads the path in search of knowledge, Allah would make that path easy, leading to Paradise for him and those persons who assemble in the house among the houses of Allah (mosques) and recite the Book of Allah and they learn and teach the Qur'an (among themselves) there would descend upon them tranquility and mercy would cover them and the angels would surround them and Allah mentions them in the presence of those near Him, and he who is slow-paced in doing good deeds, his (high) lineage does not make him go ahead.

        [Sahih Muslim, Sunan ibn Majah, also collected in 40-hadith by an-Nawawi, and bulugh al-maram]

        In another hadith collection...

        Narrated Abu Huraira, that the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam said...

        "Whoever relieves a Muslim of a burden from the burdens of the world, Allah will relieve him of a burden from the burdens on the Day of Judgement. And whoever helps ease a difficulty in the world, Allah will grant him ease from a difficulty in the world and in the Hereafter. And whoever covers (the faults of) a Muslim, Allah will cover (his faults) for him in the world and the Hereafter. And Allah is engaged in helping the worshipper as long as the worshipper is engaged in helping his brother."

        [Jami' at-Tirmidhi, book of hudud and book of good manners and relations]

        Note: although some of the wording says "brother", the arabic actually mentions "mu'min" (believer) or "Muslim" - i.e. brother/sister.

        This saying of our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam should be framed and put in our homes and massaajid as constant reminders!

        Take care,
        was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

        • So far we haven't found it in the Quran as bheather said. As for this hadith though, I see it as saying cover someone else's faults not lie and hide your own sins.

          Also this hadith cannot apply to most situations. If you were a witness to murder you should not hide your brother's sins and testify that he is not guilty. Because doing so would go against the Quran:

          "O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allah , even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allah is more worthy of both. So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted."

          If I know a brother that has slept with numerous women and abused them and he is claiming to be a virgin and a nice guy, and a girl's parents ask about his character should I follow the hadith and hide his behavior? Or should I follow the Quran's 4:135 and give honest testimony?

          If he were to abuse this 7th girl in marriage, or feel little for her since she's his seventh, and ruin her life would it not be upon me since they relied on my testimony? And what if I was that brother, should I hide my sins and refuse to testify about my past because it reflects poorly on my character so that they can hand over their daughter while I struggle to change who I am?

          I think it's good to not bring up another person's sins unnecessarily. Don't introduce your sister as, this is my sister the gambler, or your brother as, my brother the womanizer. But outside of that, in any transaction such as a marriage, I think being honest about what you are offering and receiving is required.

          If there's some other religious ruling I'm missing please let me know.

  6. 1. No u don't need to tell ur husband about ur past
    2. Yes I believe it does come under zina although no sex was involved
    3. Just ask Allah for forgiveness and be sincere

  7. should I tell my fiance about the sins I committed?
    does the sin I committed come under zina? (I haven't had intercourse ever)
    What should I do to erase all my sins and to make allah forgive me?
    Please answer asap assalamu alaikum

    You should tell your parents first as to what has happened and that you're in love with this other person. You should try to get the engagement called off if a better or same marriage can be had with the other guy.

    If your fiance asks or if you have given the impression that you're a pure virgin that never fell in love with anyone else then yes, he needs to know now. It's better he knows now then if he finds out later and has that as a reason for abuse or for him to feel cheated.

    You came close to zina but are still a virgin I don't think it counts as zina. If it did it would count with any male doctor that saw you without your clothes on.

    You can ask for forgiveness.

    Outside of this it is required of you to not conceal the truth:
    "And do not mix the truth with falsehood or conceal the truth while you know [it]."

    The truth that you wish to hide is directly related to your quality as a wife. He needs to know this before getting married. How would you feel if he hid the fact that he had been with 20 other women, made them pregnant and abandoned them? Would you be happy to find out later in marriage or not at all, and then excuse him as saying that's his sin and it's between him and Allah?

    Please work with your parents and your suitor. I hope things work out for you.

  8. Salaam Sister,

    . You do not need to tell your fiance about your past life with your boyfriend. What has happened is between you and Allah. Allah has hidden your sins as a blessing for you so you have to repent now and move on and stop all contact with your ex.

    . Yes the sin you committed does come under Zina. There are different levels of zina. Even if a boy and a girl who are non mehram touch each other with the wrong intention, it will come under zina. Even looking at the opposite sex with lust comes under zina. Even talking to a non mehram with the wrong intention is zina.

    So by reading what you have described in your question, you have clearly committed zina. Although you must thank Allah that He has saved you from committing intercourse.

    . It is simple to have all your sins forgiven, including zina. Raise your hands like you do in dua, and say " O Allah please forgive me for all the major sins (including zina) and minor sins I have committed in my whole life. I return to you and repent to you and promise that I will never commit zina again. " That's it. Inshallah you will be forgiven.

    It is also recommended to learn some arabic duas from the Quran and Sunnah in regards to forgiveness. Also it is recommended to ask for forgiveness atleast 100 times every day as this is the sunnah of our Prophet (Peace be upon Him).

    Once you have repented from your sins you should make your heart and mind to not go back to the sin again.

    May Allah forgive all your sins.

  9. yes sister, never reveal any thing which Allah covered. May Allah forgive yu

  10. assalamu alaikum dear brothers and sisters!!
    thank you all for your replies. i now hav got a clear view about what to do henceforth. kindly do add me in your duas.

    i have just one there a way to delete this post? i m jus trying to erase everyhin off my past..including this post.

    • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

      Dear sister, another point you need to remember is that a marriage is not valid unless the girl agrees, and the father ("wali" (male guardian)) agrees.

      So if you are not happy for this marriage to take place because of the other person in your life, then you need to speak up, because our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam mentioned that the consent of a virgin girl is when she remains quiet (due to shyness).

      With regards to what happened in the past, if you truly regret it and fear Allah, then turn to Him in sincere repentance, because He forgives all sins, and He is as-sami' ud-duaa wal-ghafoor ur-raheem (The One Who Hears our supplications and The Forgiver and Concealer of our faults and The Most Merciful).

      And as others have mentioned, there is no need to tell your future husband, and even in the future, never reveal anything of your past to your husband, it may destroy your marriage and break him.

      wAllahu a'lam.

      take care,
      and may the Peace and Mercy of Allah be with you,
      was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  11. Sis DONT Tell your to be husband...he is a man...and we men will not forgive/forget especially if we have kept our selves away from all these fitnas...

    so dont tell him ever and after marriage keep him away from that circle of friends who know about your colorful past.

  12. salam,

    islam says to hide yours and others sins, i get tht, and islam is very right in this regard but question should be isn't his life gonna be complicated by your past and come back to haunt you and his own life something which isn't his fault?

    he is a nice guy, so don't complicate his life, let him know first because he must know what he is getting into because there is no guarantee tht your past would be buried deep and wont become a problem later on

    make some excuses tht u don't like this guy and than wait for your lover to stand on his feet and marry you.

    or at least you need to tell him after some period in marriage when you have gained his trust, but you will have to confess that otherwise it will be a lot worse if he comes to know it, it will not be any good.

    • I don't think she should say anything at all, unless there is a chance that the ex-boyfriend might show up or contact her fiance' and try to spoil things. If she's going to tell him anything it should happen BEFORE marriage, not after. She can say only that she had a boyfriend but she never had sex with him and is still a virgin. She should not say anything more than that. No details of any kind.

      Wael Editor

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